- Joined
- Sep 9, 2005
- Messages
- 34,963
- Reaction score
- 12,360
- Location
- Pennsylvania
- Gender
- Male
- Political Leaning
- Progressive
My biggest fear is trying to think of my biggest fear.
So I don't consider the issue.
So I don't consider the issue.
Loneliness. I just can't handle it for some reason. I suspect due to a childhood of having the opportunity to feel esteem.
every other fear, ive managed to surface the triggers into my conscious and remove the emotion from them (free association is a wonderful thing ), but loneliness is one ive never been able to conquer or even put reason to.
The idea of dying doesnt even really scare me all that much. But loneliness ... its the worst feeling ive ever experienced.
For me the experience was constant since childhood. As far back as I can remember in every situation, I was acutely aware of how others felt towards me. My entire life has revolved around it now that I look back. I honestly think the need to be with someone was just something I was born with and beyond my ability to change. I will probably keep trying though, I constantly search for and remove weakness from myself. I despise any weakness I find, but even that is so that I am better armored socially. I think it is what it is for me.I had never known loneliness until I lost my husband. I had always been with someone, either parents, my kids, or a husband, and I lived with my best friend from school when I was just out of high school. The loneliness has been the most difficult thing I think I have ever dealt with, besides losses. At first, I was too emotionally charged to really face the loneliness rationally. After awhile, the loneliness really set in at the level of reality. It frankly scared the hell out of me for months. Not because I didn't feel safe, but just because it was an entirely new experience. It was the realization that whatever happens to me, I have to deal with it solo, that scared me for awhile. I have now reached the point that I am comfortable with it, and there are times when I really enjoy it. This is the first time in my life that my life is truly peaceful and calm. Although I tend to be a sort of nervous type, I am really pretty cool and collected in my mind, and in my manner. I think that the silence around here bothered me for a long time, but I've come to terms with it now. I was telling my mom just a few days ago, that I can't remember what it is like to have emotional upheaval in my house. I haven't heard a raised voice in a long time. Sometimes, the peace can be spooky, until you get used to it.
A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears.My biggest fear is trying to think of my biggest fear.
So I don't consider the issue.