Dealing with touch

[Amadeus]

Huh, mine's is the opposite. I've been isolated ever since I realized who I am, decided I actually like myself just as I am, however also realizing that my personality in a female's body is just not an acceptable thing to most, so I stay to myself. I got very tired of people suggesting that I should take some sort of meds (everybody has their own idea as to what I "suffer" from, but they all think meds for bipolar and or ADHD would make for an improvement).... anyway, I got tired of people thinking I should be medicated so THEY could tolerate me better. I figure if they are the one's having difficulties with my honest, straightforward, don't pull any punches attitudes, then they need to medicate themselves, not me. I like who I am and I avoid others because they don't. Screw 'em.

If I didn't take meds I'd be useless. Everyone is different, though.

 

[Summerwind]

If I didn't take meds I'd be useless. Everyone is different, though.

Well of all the descriptive words and phrases used to describe me, I don't think anyone has ever considered me useless. My energy is outstanding (hence the ADHD attribute offered by others) and getting things done has never been an issue for me.

 

[Amadeus]

Well of all the descriptive words and phrases used to describe me, I don't think anyone has ever considered me useless. My energy is outstanding (hence the ADHD attribute offered by others) and getting things done has never been an issue for me.

You seem well-adjusted. I'm a work-in-progress.

 

[Chagos]

Depends on what the touch is lining me up for. If it's gonna be a "haymaker" I'll touch the other party in return. With maximum impact.:mrgreen:

As can be seen, context is important.

Where I don't mind a handshake, my lower arm being grabbed at the same time and treated like some bloody pump handle will bug me, no matter who's doing it.

It's a handshake ferchrissake, not jiu-jitsu.

Slapping me on the back is done with equal risk to self, slapping me on the butt depends on who does it.

Probably all lies in childhood, I've been particular about it ever since, TOTALLY WITHOUT ANY PROVOCATION on my part, the midwife did the latter.

We didn't become friends.:lamo

 

[Alyssa T.]

Well of all the descriptive words and phrases used to describe me, I don't think anyone has ever considered me useless. My energy is outstanding (hence the ADHD attribute offered by others) and getting things done has never been an issue for me.

I've been called a lot of names by angry guys. The most creative one that hurt at the time, but I can laugh about now, was by this guy who I thought was really nice. He got upset and threw a tantrum because I didn't want to be suffocated by his touching and he yelled at me that all the toys in my attic were broken. That was not the best way to convince me to touch him. Nope.

 

[RAMOSS]

I've been called a lot of names by angry guys. The most creative one that hurt at the time, but I can laugh about now, was by this guy who I thought was really nice. He got upset and threw a tantrum because I didn't want to be suffocated by his touching and he yelled at me that all the toys in my attic were broken. That was not the best way to convince me to touch him. Nope.

It sounds like you are getting lots of guys who want 1) to be in control, and 2) Sex. This is very typical of younger men.

 

[Summerwind]

You seem well-adjusted. I'm a work-in-progress.

Not to argue, just being succinct and hopefully a tad humorous about reality....

I am well, ... because I refuse to be adjusted, I'm fine just as I am. I not even apologetic anymore that others can find me uncomfortable. That's their problem, let them deal with their comfort. Screw 'em.

And don't let the "screw 'em," allow you to think I'm a crabby person, I'm absolutely not, ever since I quit worrying about others' opinions of who I should be when I should be where I should be etc.... I couldn't be generally happier, more genuinely cheerful, even my optimism level is two or three octaves higher than when I was trying to fit in. My "problem" appears to be my un-edited presentation. So I will quite cheerfully and without any anger or necessarily judgement, notice things that I guess one is not supposed to notice, and my voice carries, so I guess that bothers people. I do use one little sentence often that seems to help at least with younger people, and to note younger folks really don't seem to have nearly the issues with me people my age do, is, "Not judging, just noticing," so anyway. Just saying, don't "adjust" too far, or you won't be you anymore. Also be real careful you actually respect the people who are judging you as not properly adjusted,... if you don't, then please don't listen to their assessments.

 

[Alyssa T.]

It sounds like you are getting lots of guys who want 1) to be in control, and 2) Sex. This is very typical of younger men.

Yeah, there were a few that wanted #1, at least that I could tell in the short time we were around each other. All of them wanted #2, and nearly all the time it seemed like.

 

[Summerwind]

Yeah, there were a few that wanted #1, at least that I could tell in the short time we were around each other. All of them wanted #2, and nearly all the time it seemed like.

Considering how many divorces, stressed out single mothers, and all the fall out from those "great" relationships everyone thinks you should be pining for.... they're just wrong. You shouldn't ever pine for something whose overall success rate in our current reality is less than 70%. IIRC, it's around what 50% of marriages end in divorce, and considerably more "relationships," end. So remind them and yourself, that what they think you should be pining for is a pipe dream.

 

[Alyssa T.]

Considering how many divorces, stressed out single mothers, and all the fall out from those "great" relationships everyone thinks you should be pining for.... they're just wrong. You shouldn't ever pine for something whose overall success rate in our current reality is less than 70%. IIRC, it's around what 50% of marriages end in divorce, and considerably more "relationships," end. So remind them and yourself, that what they think you should be pining for is a pipe dream.

That is so true. This is so crazy. I can't believe I made this thread, and said all these things. Tonight, I'm going to be in my bed freaking out about it all, probably have my head under my pillow thinking about deleting everything.

Never expected to get this kind of a response on the topic, though. Kinda figured most people would think I was stupid, naive, or crazy, which is the common response I get around here. It has been real interesting to see so many opinions on this subject, especially those I never expected to find. It can be so hard talking about these issues, because of that pressure from the outside pushing in. That pressure to be "normal" and want the things everybody else expects me to want, when they want me to want them. Life is already complicated enough without all that stuff, too. It is easy to feel alone, but good to know that isn't true.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

Sorry, but I have to get personal for a quick second. It's good though, not bad. I just wanted to tell you how much I admire your posts here. You always sound so intelligent, strong and confident. It is great. I love it. Thank you!

Okay, back on topic. It is very important, for me, to be okay with myself. I've had to struggle with that a bit, but I am pretty strong in it now. It has helped a lot in dealing with other people, though I still find myself getting in the way of myself at times. Always a struggle, but that is okay too. I'd rather be too careful when it comes to things like touching and being touched, than to be too --- not sure how to say it. The problem really comes with lots of intimacy, and maintaining interest in touch within a relationship.

It's a beautiful world, confusing at times, but still beautiful.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

I dunno, I think being careful is over-rated -- for me anyway. When I'm being careful, I am usually also being reserved and not quite myself, even if I don't consciously realize that. For whatever reason, I'm just not fully myself with them, perhaps because I don't feel I can be. Realizing my reservedness meant something and I should listen to it and look elsewhere was a big deal to me. Maintaining interest tends to come naturally when you feel you can really be yourself.

'Tis indeed a big beautiful world. Never stop growing.

 

[RAMOSS]

Yeah, there were a few that wanted #1, at least that I could tell in the short time we were around each other. All of them wanted #2, and nearly all the time it seemed like.

The young lady who adopted me when she got kicked out of her mother's house finds a lot of both, and often, the 'want control' isn't obvious till later. The trick is finding someone who can respect 'NO', and likes you as a person, rather than a booty call. Men under 30 have much too high testosterone, and depending on the area of the country, there is social pressure to be 'macho' and controlling. ,,well everyplace, but some areas more than others.

 

[Alyssa T.]

Thank you, I appreciate that.

I dunno, I think being careful is over-rated -- for me anyway. When I'm being careful, I am usually also being reserved and not quite myself, even if I don't consciously realize that. For whatever reason, I'm just not fully myself with them, perhaps because I don't feel I can be. Realizing my reservedness meant something and I should listen to it and look elsewhere was a big deal to me. Maintaining interest tends to come naturally when you feel you can really be yourself.

'Tis indeed a big beautiful world. Never stop growing.

Sorry, I tried to write up a couple different replies, but I can mess up a post just as fast as I can mess up a relationship. Sometimes, I just don't focus very well on either! I do understand what you are saying. There have been some relationships where I really did feel I could be myself, and you are right, I did maintain interest and focus longer. Seems that way. It probably also has to do with the turbulent time of life, with young people moving around and chasing dreams. Dreams were always more important to me than relationships. That caused problems, too. I'm more settled now, so maybe things will change.

 

[Summerwind]

The young lady who adopted me when she got kicked out of her mother's house finds a lot of both, and often, the 'want control' isn't obvious till later. The trick is finding someone who can respect 'NO', and likes you as a person, rather than a booty call. Men under 30 have much too high testosterone, and depending on the area of the country, there is social pressure to be 'macho' and controlling. ,,well everyplace, but some areas more than others.

I'm 55 and go through a month here or there where I'm somewhat idle and get into the dating scene, sort of window shopping as it were, and honestly even at my age men want two things, sex and control for the most part. I don't think it's as much testosterone as it is social conditioning and acceptance that a man is somehow entitled to think about sex every 16 seconds or whateverthe**** that is, and be the one who "wears the pants."

 

[Alyssa T.]

okay, sorry. That was too much. I can't post that.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

Sorry, I tried to write up a couple different replies, but I can mess up a post just as fast as I can mess up a relationship. Sometimes, I just don't focus very well on either! I do understand what you are saying. There have been some relationships where I really did feel I could be myself, and you are right, I did maintain interest and focus longer. Seems that way. It probably also has to do with the turbulent time of life, with young people moving around and chasing dreams. Dreams were always more important to me than relationships. That caused problems, too. I'm more settled now, so maybe things will change.

Well, if I'm getting a good read on your meaning here, I'm inclined to say it is unlikely that will change completely. Once a dreamer, always a dreamer. But that's not a problem -- there's nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't mean you can't have stable, long-term relationships.

You just need to shift who you're looking for, or allowing into your life.

There are many, many people -- a majority -- who feel threatened by people they can't predict or control. Those kinds of people, you will struggle with.

But there are also many -- concentrated in certain dating pools -- who take great enjoyment from watching their partner live up to everything they were meant to be, and don't feel threatened by change.

My life changed dramatically when I started dating only the latter type of people. For a very long time, these conversations focused on what was supposedly wrong with me and why I couldn't maintain a relationship with someone who, on paper, seemed pretty cool.

There was nothing wrong with me. I'm just not a good pick for someone who's insecure. I'm perfectly good at maintaining relationships with people who aren't trying to control me or cut off pieces of who I am.

It came down to our definitions of commitment being different. Mine means I'll bury a body for you, run across the city at 2am to be with you when you need me, keep your secrets, and nurture your talents.

But it doesn't mean I'll give up my dreams or stifle the breadth of my feelings and experiences for you. And to many people, it does. Those people and I just aren't compatible.

 

[Summerwind]

okay, sorry. That was too much. I can't post that.

I managed to read it before you deleted it. You should have left it. It was well presented honest and straightforward. That's never "too much." Relax. Nothing you've posted on this thread is too much. It's been a great conversation for all involved. You should be proud to have brought a relatively new topic to this old forum.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

okay, sorry. That was too much. I can't post that.

Unfortunately I missed what you posted. I do hope you re-consider posting it again.

You can post what you like. We could use some more realness here, and people who get weird about it says more about them than it does about you.

 

[Alyssa T.]

I managed to read it before you deleted it. You should have left it. It was well presented honest and straightforward. That's never "too much." Relax. Nothing you've posted on this thread is too much. It's been a great conversation for all involved. You should be proud to have brought a relatively new topic to this old forum.

Unfortunately I missed what you posted. I do hope you re-consider posting it again.

You can post what you like. We could use some more realness here, and people who get weird about it says more about them than it does about you.

Thank you both for that, but I get so self conscious about these things. It hasn't been easy, but I am sure everybody feels that way about dealing with life, pressures, and relationships. I just get scared sometimes. I try not to be rude to people, and I figured some guys would get mad at my comment about control. Already feel like guys here think I am an idiot, but that is pretty normal. I was always pretty quiet growing up, always dreaming about other things, losing interest in what is going on around me, and getting called some pretty ugly names for it. I should be old enough now to not let it bother me, but when discussing such personal things it is hard to let go.

Hopefully some day I can put a lot of that baggage behind me, and seriously not care what they say. Maybe. Until then, I continue to obsess about things. It's no fun. No way.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

Thank you both for that, but I get so self conscious about these things. It hasn't been easy, but I am sure everybody feels that way about dealing with life, pressures, and relationships. I just get scared sometimes. I try not to be rude to people, and I figured some guys would get mad at my comment about control. Already feel like guys here think I am an idiot, but that is pretty normal. I was always pretty quiet growing up, always dreaming about other things, losing interest in what is going on around me, and getting called some pretty ugly names for it. I should be old enough now to not let it bother me, but when discussing such personal things it is hard to let go.

Hopefully some day I can put a lot of that baggage behind me, and seriously not care what they say. Maybe. Until then, I continue to obsess about things. It's no fun. No way.

Why does it matter what they think?

If they think you're an idiot because you have a critical opinion of men who are controlling, why should that bother you? It's a sign of a pretty messed up mind for people to need to control everyone and try to degrade those they can't. That's their problem, not yours. Maybe they shouldn't be so unpleasant.

I struggled for a long time to understand what the hell people meant when they said "Just ignore what people say." It's not that easy, is it!

People of very high empathy pick up EVERYTHING people say and think about them. It's hard to ignore. And I will never be able to simply not pick up on it. Most people don't seem to get that.

But it has stopped mattering to me.

The root of the problem is not feeling completely certain that you are acceptable as you are. That if you don't occupy the biggest, most common part of the bellcurve, there is something wrong with you, and you should do whatever you can to move closer to the big homogeneous mass. So, when you intuit that someone has a critical opinion of you, you take that as confirmation that there really is something wrong with you.

But what if there's something wrong with them? It could just as easily be that, couldn't it? After all, people in dark places tend to project an awful lot.

Or it could just mean they're not compatible with you. So? Lots of people aren't.

The breadth of human normal is vast. You are almost certainly somewhere in that normal. And where ever you are in that wide range is just as legitimate as if you were right in the middle. Not being "common" doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

It's easy to write those words, but hard to fully understand and accept that reality. I still have lapses, especially on certain subjects. Doing so, however, I think you might find that other people's opinions or expectations matter a lot less to you. The people you want in your life won't have those things anyway. They'll like you for exactly who you are, and show it by encouraging you to become ever-more you, not less.

And as for picking up on everyone's feelings? Well, just helps you narrow down who you don't want to be around, doesn't it. Saves you lots of time and effort. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[RAMOSS]

I'm 55 and go through a month here or there where I'm somewhat idle and get into the dating scene, sort of window shopping as it were, and honestly even at my age men want two things, sex and control for the most part. I don't think it's as much testosterone as it is social conditioning and acceptance that a man is somehow entitled to think about sex every 16 seconds or whateverthe**** that is, and be the one who "wears the pants."

I can't get into the whole control thing myself. While I am a very dominate personality (social conditioning).. I also don't feel upset of people don't want go 'buckle down' to me.. in other words, I can accept 'no' for an answer. Of course, my immediate family has awesome women in it, who are much more motivated and intelligent than most other people.

 

[Alyssa T.]

Why does it matter what they think?

If they think you're an idiot because you have a critical opinion of men who are controlling, why should that bother you? It's a sign of a pretty messed up mind for people to need to control everyone and try to degrade those they can't. That's their problem, not yours. Maybe they shouldn't be so unpleasant.

I struggled for a long time to understand what the hell people meant when they said "Just ignore what people say." It's not that easy, is it!

People of very high empathy pick up EVERYTHING people say and think about them. It's hard to ignore. And I will never be able to simply not pick up on it. Most people don't seem to get that.

But it has stopped mattering to me.

The root of the problem is not feeling completely certain that you are acceptable as you are. That if you don't occupy the biggest, most common part of the bellcurve, there is something wrong with you, and you should do whatever you can to move closer to the big homogeneous mass. So, when you intuit that someone has a critical opinion of you, you take that as confirmation that there really is something wrong with you.

But what if there's something wrong with them? It could just as easily be that, couldn't it? After all, people in dark places tend to project an awful lot.

Or it could just mean they're not compatible with you. So? Lots of people aren't.

The breadth of human normal is vast. You are almost certainly somewhere in that normal. And where ever you are in that wide range is just as legitimate as if you were right in the middle. Not being "common" doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

It's easy to write those words, but hard to fully understand and accept that reality. I still have lapses, especially on certain subjects. Doing so, however, I think you might find that other people's opinions or expectations matter a lot less to you. The people you want in your life won't have those things anyway. They'll like you for exactly who you are, and show it by encouraging you to become ever-more you, not less.

And as for picking up on everyone's feelings? Well, just helps you narrow down who you don't want to be around, doesn't it. Saves you lots of time and effort. Nothing wrong with that.

You are so right. I shouldn't let it bother me. Like a lot of things. I feel like, well, I am really a strong person. It just doesn't come across that way. Just like all the comments about me being too nice, or naive, or too stupid to understand, or not having any intellectual integrity, or only capable of being emotional and thinking with my heart and not my brain. I am worried now that somebody will say that I am also a whore, even though I never said anything about sex. The truth in a post doesn't seem to matter when there are all these guys who disregard what is posted and just say whatever they think is being posted. Dealing with people face-to-face is just so much easier for me, I guess.

Which is kinda funny, because I get so bored with dealing with people face-to-face, too. Even though I do a lot of organizing, volunteering, and generally working in the community. Yep, strange. No worries, though. It is just the dealing with personal topics that make me feel vulnerable. I was seriously scared, not uneasy or whatever, straight scared to bring up this topic. That doesn't make any sense at all, I know, but it is true. Maybe because I would have to face my own issues with this topic, and that scares me more than being called a whore by somebody I don't even know. Wow, it really does.

Guess I am just scared of myself. Probably because I am the one person I can't tune out or get away from. Other people can disappear, even if their hurtful words linger a bit.

Like, okay, last night in that group. There were a bunch of women sitting around, talking about boundaries for just about any relationship with people in our lives. From work, to family and friends, to children, etc. And then we talk about touch, the crazy topic burning a hole in my brain for the past week or so, as if it was always going to come up and my mind was already wrestling with it. Here they go, talking, saying all these great or powerful things, and what does Alyssa add to the group? Nope. Nothing. Scared to even face myself in front of these ladies who just bravely did that very thing in front of me. I was so mad at myself. I am a very good organizer, who has stood up in front of dozens or people and led events. I am not scared of a handful of women, or a room full of countless faces, but I am too scared to face myself at times.

It doesn't make any sense. Like this long rambling post. I should delete all of this. All of it.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

You are so right. I shouldn't let it bother me. Like a lot of things. I feel like, well, I am really a strong person. It just doesn't come across that way. Just like all the comments about me being too nice, or naive, or too stupid to understand, or not having any intellectual integrity, or only capable of being emotional and thinking with my heart and not my brain. I am worried now that somebody will say that I am also a whore, even though I never said anything about sex. The truth in a post doesn't seem to matter when there are all these guys who disregard what is posted and just say whatever they think is being posted. Dealing with people face-to-face is just so much easier for me, I guess.

Which is kinda funny, because I get so bored with dealing with people face-to-face, too. Even though I do a lot of organizing, volunteering, and generally working in the community. Yep, strange. No worries, though. It is just the dealing with personal topics that make me feel vulnerable. I was seriously scared, not uneasy or whatever, straight scared to bring up this topic. That doesn't make any sense at all, I know, but it is true. Maybe because I would have to face my own issues with this topic, and that scares me more than being called a whore by somebody I don't even know. Wow, it really does.

Guess I am just scared of myself. Probably because I am the one person I can't tune out or get away from. Other people can disappear, even if their hurtful words linger a bit.

Like, okay, last night in that group. There were a bunch of women sitting around, talking about boundaries for just about any relationship with people in our lives. From work, to family and friends, to children, etc. And then we talk about touch, the crazy topic burning a hole in my brain for the past week or so, as if it was always going to come up and my mind was already wrestling with it. Here they go, talking, saying all these great or powerful things, and what does Alyssa add to the group? Nope. Nothing. Scared to even face myself in front of these ladies who just bravely did that very thing in front of me. I was so mad at myself. I am a very good organizer, who has stood up in front of dozens or people and led events. I am not scared of a handful of women, or a room full of countless faces, but I am too scared to face myself at times.

It doesn't make any sense. Like this long rambling post. I should delete all of this. All of it.

Please don't.

Many people who struggle to accept themselves are very strong. If you keep healing from wounds people leave, well, that's strength. But ideally, you wouldn't have to be strong as often.

What motivation would someone have for calling you stupid or a whore for talking about touch? I mean that as a serious question. Why would someone do that?

The only reason I can think of is that they are so insecure and threatened by the subject themselves that they need to shut down any discussion of it, especially from a woman, who threatens them most of all.

Does that sound like someone of sound enough mind for you to care anything about their opinion?

It doesn't to me. That sounds like someone who should probably be in therapy for their mental problems and tendency towards abusive behavior, actually.

But it's not about learning to ignore those people. I can't, entirely. I'll always pick up on it.

It's about being secure enough in yourself that it just stops mattering. Actually believing you are perfectly fine the way you are. Being able to articulate it, seek people who mesh well with it, and enjoy it.

What's to be scared of about yourself? You seem pretty interesting to me. Why be too critical? I don't see anything wrong with you.

It makes sense just fine to me. And you're invited to share your thoughts more on this subject of this thread as well.

 

[Alyssa T.]

Please don't.

Many people who struggle to accept themselves are very strong. If you keep healing from wounds people leave, well, that's strength. But ideally, you wouldn't have to be strong as often.

What motivation would someone have for calling you stupid or a whore for talking about touch? I mean that as a serious question. Why would someone do that?

The only reason I can think of is that they are so insecure and threatened by the subject themselves that they need to shut down any discussion of it, especially from a woman, who threatens them most of all.

Does that sound like someone of sound enough mind for you to care anything about their opinion?

It doesn't to me. That sounds like someone who should probably be in therapy for their mental problems and tendency towards abusive behavior, actually.

But it's not about learning to ignore those people. I can't, entirely. I'll always pick up on it.

It's about being secure enough in yourself that it just stops mattering. Actually believing you are perfectly fine the way you are. Being able to articulate it, seek people who mesh well with it, and enjoy it.

What's to be scared of about yourself? You seem pretty interesting to me. Why be too critical? I don't see anything wrong with you.

It makes sense just fine to me. And you're invited to share your thoughts more on this subject of this thread as well.

You are so smart. Thank you. Thanks for all the things you have said in this thread, it all means so much.

There was some thunder, and it got real dark here. I thought we were going to get a big storm, and still might, so I went outside to find my boy cat. He hates being in the house, except when it rains. While petting him I was thinking why isn't petting people the same? Why isn't it that easy if you love somebody like I love my cats? It's love, or a strong affection after all. What makes it different between enjoying closeness with my cat and another human being?

The only thing that could be different must be inside me. That hurts.

Which is why I always hated it when people would get upset with me for being so "cold." I'm not cold. I burn with passion on the inside, like roiling magma in my veins, heart and belly, but on the outside I don't show any of that. I think it freaks people out. Maybe it makes them insecure? Maybe I need to come with a warning label. Maybe that will keep people from getting angry at me and saying stupid things like I must be "broken."

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

You are so smart. Thank you. Thanks for all the things you have said in this thread, it all means so much.

There was some thunder, and it got real dark here. I thought we were going to get a big storm, and still might, so I went outside to find my boy cat. He hates being in the house, except when it rains. While petting him I was thinking why isn't petting people the same? Why isn't it that easy if you love somebody like I love my cats? It's love, or a strong affection after all. What makes it different between enjoying closeness with my cat and another human being?

The only thing that could be different must be inside me. That hurts.

Which is why I always hated it when people would get upset with me for being so "cold." I'm not cold. I burn with passion on the inside, like roiling magma in my veins, heart and belly, but on the outside I don't show any of that. I think it freaks people out. Maybe it makes them insecure? Maybe I need to come with a warning label. Maybe that will keep people from getting angry at me and saying stupid things like must be "broken."

Nah. I've just been tossed around a lot.

You don't need to come with a warning label, because there's nothing wrong with being that way. I can't tell you how many times I've said similar things about myself. I look back on it and wonder how I could be so self-depricating. Over what? Sure, I'm human and flawed and all that, but I'm really a pretty nice and interesting person who's never really done anything terrible to anyone. Why should I come with a warning label?

You need to find new people.

Not everyone in this world detests thing different or striving or passionate. Just find other people who share that. Some people absolutely adore it -- take great pleasure in watching it. Want you to be what you are and give only so much as you give willingly. You're not a lone alien in the world. Perhaps certain places in society just aren't right for you. And why must they be? There's lots of different sorts of places for you to try, and the reason so many different subcultures exist is because people are different and have different needs. One of them -- or several! -- will be right for you.

I am someone who doesn't come at change gradually. When I hit this point in my life, the point where I realized I was ok, it slammed into place like hammer. Like the lights suddenly turned on all at once.

When I went to my partner-at-the-time and tried to express what I'd need from the relationship to continue it and for it to be nurturing to me, he told me no, and that I was just being "utopian." So I left.

I wasn't. He was just trying to discourage me, in the hopes I would stay and accept a relationship that didn't nurture me, and where I couldn't be myself, believing that life didn't have anything else to offer. He was possessive and insecure, yes, but more importantly, he was also wrong. There's nothing utopian about looking for people who share the same needs as you and like you for who you are without being threatened by letting you be that.

Once I had narrowed my focus, it took no time at all to find exactly the sorts of people I wanted to be around, friends and lovers both. I haven't been able to wipe the smile off my face ever since. Utopian my ass.

However, I warn you: In order to meet people who will love you for what you are and share your needs, you will have to walk into it knowing exactly what they are, being honest about it, and being quite vulnerable. If you don't show them, they won't see.

But my experience is that people respond much better to that than you would think. In fact, I can't think of any strongly negative reactions I've ever gotten at all. Narrow down your sites, select carefully, and take a risk. And don't worry about anybody else.