I have never been married so I can't relate to the ups and downs a married couple experiences - I have been told they occur. A marriage over say 40 years is a lot of time. Hopefully, you and your spouse can figure out the right roles and live happily. I think it is illuminating to hear of your unhappiness which transformed when you "let go". In the modern day, how often might that have ended in divorce?
I do think that marriages were more solid. I also think there was more abuse. Due to women's liberation we have less abuse. We also have more divorces, the majority of which have nothing to do with abuse. It seems general unhappiness may lead to infidelity and divorce. It used to be tolerated and addressed and the family stayed together.
The destruction of families is damaging to our society. And let's be honest that women equally play the role of unstable alcoholics, abusive bastards, unfit to work and laze-about-leeches.
Forgive me, I'm tipsy:
We're squared away, now, so don't worry. All those issues are far in the past and he and I have both dealt with our individual problems. . . we're candy.
but, you know - there are accepted differences between men and women and the roles that are followed through in a family/marriage/relationship. . . like nursing a baby. :shrug: no matter how much a woman would want a man to do that, a man just isn't going to be able to do that. there just are some undeniable differences leading the different genders to play separate roles.
I let go when I realized that someone just *had* to wash the dishes and do the laundry. It couldn't be the kids - they had school and their own lives to live. Couldn't be my husband, his job was ultimately demanding and that has only increased with each promotion - he was working 40 hours on average and now he works 60+ and often goes away for days at a time.
I had to do it and just get over my bitterness. Did that take away my feminism? Nope - not at all. I thought it would but it didn't. I do all the things that are necessary to keep the house and family going when he can't be here and I do things that he just doesn't have the time to do. . . which is practically everything. His end of the bargain is to stay in shape and work and bring home the bacon - which he does very well.
So, feminism in my life has been a boot in the butt - my energy and reason to do things that I don't *want* to do. I tell myself all the time "I can do this, I'm a woman - this is no big deal." - I've done all sorts of things that I use to find appalling, repulsive and scary. I've been under my house endlessly - in the attic - in the woods in the dark. There's nothing I don't know how to do or am not willing to learn and take on.
Right now I'm in month 4 of remodeling our master bath. It *needed* to be done - the old floor was water damaged and rotting out - and no one else but me had the time to do it. We couldn't afford to hire someone to do it. My husband physically can't do it (injured during his previous deployment) so I'm the only one whose around to step up to the plate and take care of business.
I'm a bit slow, I'm nervous and unsure of the quality of my work but I'm doing pretty well and learning more and more with each DIY project I take on (this is my 2nd bathroom) - I could either sit and grouse and bitch like a pansy or man up and deal with it and get it done.
That, to me, is a "woman" - can do everything and anything that needs to be done. I cook, clean, sew and stick my hands in septic tanks.