Have any of you disowned a gay child?

[Checkerboard Strangler]

We used to be able to kick our kids out and ignore them at age 18,,,,,is that over?

I "kicked myself out" at eighteen because I had to go see the world, and I did.
But no, the parents did not "ignore me", but then again Italian and Jewish parents never ignore kids, and I had one of each, so double the guilt complexes, LOL.

 

[Andalublue]

In fact, I'd bet most gay parents expect their children will be hetero.

Since it is statistically the most likely outcome, I'd expect my kids (if I'd had any) to be straight and I'd have no preference for any particular orientation. Now, if one turned out to be a Manchester United supporter s/he'd be out the door.

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

It is getting there....we started telling the kids when the oldest was maybe 13 that at 18 if they were still here then they needed to pay rent if they were not at university, so make a plan.

Apparently around here we were about the only ones, they all reported that their friends had never heard of such a thing generally.

We still have our two adults kids at home, but they are both paying their token rent.
We didn't tell them that we're just stashing what they pay into savings for them.
But it's a great idea, definitely, and they're also buying their own food, too and paying for everything else.
Son is 22 and daughter is 24, and I suspect the daughter will be moving to Portland OR some time in the next year or so.
She's been saving up for it and she would already be there now if she could.
She's been working her tail off for the last two years with that goal in mind.

 

[Andalublue]

My daughter and her partner claim not to be gay. They just love each other. They don't find other women or men attractive. They don't have what you would call a typical lesbian lifestyle.

How interesting! Please tell me to mind my own business if you wish, but is your daughter's partner a sexual partner? Or is theirs simply a loving platonic relationship?

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

13? I started telling mine at age 8 because they were swearing up and down that they'd be living with me their entire lives.

Oh HAR!!! That's golden. My son knows just how to tweak his Mom's heart strings.
"But Mom, no one cooks like you do, how will I eat properly?" etc etc etc.

Man oh man, she eats up that baloney he cooks up.

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

Meh, not really. Perhaps not fully fleshed out, but not a poor choice of words. I recognize the fact that a person can act gay or be gay. I'm of the opinion that the sexual act itself and even the feeling can be the result of both environmental and/or genetics. For instance a person may initially be heterosexually inclined but due to some trauma resulting from the actions of the opposite sex can push a person away from wanting to be near/with that opposite sex and as a result latch onto feelings of closeness, or love, with someone of the same sex due to that person caring for them. I also recognize the fact that some people just simply like to "buck the system" and will do whatever is taboo just to piss people off and/or get attention.

Like everything else in this world, not everything is black and white. There are many shades of grey in between. No matter the reason though its up to the individual and none of my business. In this case that includes my kids.

Okay at first I was repulsed (by "decides they are") but I think I understand where you're coming from.
Sexuality is NOT binary, definitely not. It's a continuum, and while many of us might be over to one side or the other predominantly, it is still nevertheless a continuum.

But in the end, however, a person is still "born with" much of their tendencies in one or the other direction.

 

[Kal'Stang]

Oh HAR!!! That's golden. My son knows just how to tweak his Mom's heart strings.
"But Mom, no one cooks like you do, how will I eat properly?" etc etc etc.

Man oh man, she eats up that baloney he cooks up.

My wife and I came up with a solution before the kids were even born on how to make sure that one persons heart strings weren't able to be pulled. Both of us have a say in what goes on, but if one of us say "no" then even if the other initially said "yes" then the "no" would stand and the "yes" would turn into a "no". When the kids realized that they were not happy in the slightest.

 

[Kal'Stang]

Okay at first I was repulsed but I think I understand where you're coming from.
Sexuality is NOT binary, definitely not. It's a continuum, and while many of us might be over to one side or the other predominantly, it is still nevertheless a continuum.

But in the end, however, a person is still "born with" much of their tendencies in one or the other direction.

Correct.

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

My wife and I came up with a solution before the kids were even born on how to make sure that one persons heart strings weren't able to be pulled. Both of us have a say in what goes on, but if one of us say "no" then even if the other initially said "yes" then the "no" would stand and the "yes" would turn into a "no". When the kids realized that they were not happy in the slightest.

Ummmm, that's weird but you get big points if it actually works, although I wonder if you both are really actually 100% in the stick-to-it-iveness dept on the "yes turns into no" thing, but I'll take your word for it!

Here's what wifey and I decided...whichever way something goes, the two of us MUST be willing to present a UNITED front either way. If there is even a hint of wavering, we excuse ourselves and go one on one in private to hash it out and then return to present that united front. I freely admit that while I have strengths in some areas, she has strengths in others, so I try to listen...doesn't always work out that way but I do try. :mrgreen:

And no, I'll be first to admit that there have been a few spectacular failures on both ends (wife or husband) where one of us was convinced the other had their back on the united front and it fell apart instead. Of course that made for unlimited glee on the part of the kids because, like a predator, they sense the chink in the armor.
But for the most part we make it work.

 

[PTF]

I have four nephews...if any of them decided to become gay they are not welcome.
As of my two sons ?
The same goes for them.
No need to go back and forth my decision is final.

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

So okay, to date NO one has come forward to say "Yes, I DID disown my gay child", but nevertheless it is still a very interesting thread, in my humble opinion.
For the record, ALL of my gay friends WERE disowned by their parents. One or two (maybe three?) have been able to reconcile and even restore a loving relationship with both parents, who finally accepted them but they are the exceptions.

I work in the film-video business which in many departments is VERY much represented by gay people to a healthy extent.
By that I simply mean you do not have to struggle to find a gay set designer, or director of photography, editor, lighting director, or anything else, they are there in the industry and the industry supports them.
So yeah, I am a straight guy who does have a lot of gay friends.

And it's really f****d up that most of them have that history, parents who basically gave them the big heave-ho when they came out as gay. That's part of the reason I started the thread.
I really DO WANT to seriously hear the other point of view, no matter whether I like what I hear or hate it.
I want to know why a parent disowns their kid due to the kid's sexual orientation.

 

[Kal'Stang]

Ummmm, that's weird but you get big points if it actually works, although I wonder if you both are really actually 100% in the stick-to-it-iveness dept on the "yes turns into no" thing, but I'll take your word for it!

Oh believe me, its working. The kids even stopped trying to separate the two of us to ask for something because when the other finds out and is against it they put the kibosh on it and its stopped. That's part of the reason that the kids were so upset when they realized what was going on. Now the kids ask us for something when we're both in the same room. And yes, we are both sticking to it 100%.

Here's what wifey and I decided...whichever way something goes, the two of us MUST be willing to present a UNITED front either way. If there is even a hint of wavering, we excuse ourselves and go one on one in private to hash it out and then return to present that united front. I freely admit that while I have strengths in some areas, she has strengths in others, so I try to listen...doesn't always work out that way but I do try. :mrgreen:

And no, I'll be first to admit that there have been a few spectacular failures on both ends (wife or husband) where one of us was convinced the other had their back on the united front and it fell apart instead. Of course that made for unlimited glee on the part of the kids because, like a predator, they sense the chink in the armor.
But for the most part we make it work.

Yeah, that's the common way that things are handled in most households. My wife and I came up with our solution specifically because of this. We both saw the holes in it.

That's not to say that we don't discuss things. We do. For the important stuff we always tell the kids that we'll discuss it among ourselves and then give them an answer. It's the unimportant things were our solution mainly comes into play. We do also have a few other rules that we set for ourselves before we had the kids. Such as I would handle any "boy problems" for any boys we had and my wife would handle any "girl problems" for any girls we had. (I readily agreed to this as I REALLY didn't want to have to deal with menstrual cycle talks. )

Suffice it to say...We pretty much planned and made several rules for ourselves on how we would handle things through out our childrens childhood...before we had the children. It's all worked great so far. And I don't see any problems with it in the foreseeable future. Doesn't mean that there won't be. But so far so good.

 

[Kal'Stang]

So okay, to date NO one has come forward to say "Yes, I DID disown my gay child", but nevertheless it is still a very interesting thread, in my humble opinion.
For the record, ALL of my gay friends WERE disowned by their parents. One or two (maybe three?) have been able to reconcile and even restore a loving relationship with both parents, who finally accepted them but they are the exceptions.

I work in the film-video business which in many departments is VERY much represented by gay people to a healthy extent.
By that I simply mean you do not have to struggle to find a gay set designer, or director of photography, editor, lighting director, or anything else, they are there in the industry and the industry supports them.
So yeah, I am a straight guy who does have a lot of gay friends.

And it's really f****d up that most of them have that history, parents who basically gave them the big heave-ho when they came out as gay. That's part of the reason I started the thread.
I really DO WANT to seriously hear the other point of view, no matter whether I like what I hear or hate it.
I want to know why a parent disowns their kid due to the kid's sexual orientation.

You got a bite just now in post 60. GL.

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

I have four nephews...if any of them decided to become gay they are not welcome.
As of my two sons ?
The same goes for them.
No need to go back and forth my decision is final.

Wait, no need for US HERE to go back and forth or no need for THEM (kids or nephews) to go back and forth?
I started the thread not for votes but to ask WHY, so this is not "going back and forth", it's a question.

Your decision is final, it's final then, okay we get that, but do us, or at least me, a favor and flesh it out by explaining the why's and how's. What made you make that decision and why.

You're the very first who at least has stepped up to say what you WOULD do, so that counts for something.
Don't just leave us with the drive-by and nothing else.

 

[PTF]

Wait, no need for US HERE to go back and forth or no need for THEM (kids or nephews) to go back and forth?
I started the thread not for votes but to ask WHY, so this is not "going back and forth", it's a question.

Your decision is final, it's final then, okay we get that, but do us, or at least me, a favor and flesh it out by explaining the why's and how's. What made you make that decision and why.

You're the very first who at least has stepped up to say what you WOULD do, so that counts for something.
Don't just leave us with the drive-by and nothing else.

Think it's a waste of time telling me this isn't the way to go. I been through this argument at TFS,Thoughts and other forums. I don't agree with this lifestyle and I'm not going to use religion as a back up with due respect but I say it's wrong.
No one is going to change my mind. This is why I say no use going back and forth. Some may see this a entertainment which will turn into a fight.
...so if you like,let's get it on.

 

[Kal'Stang]

Think it's a waste of time telling me this isn't the way to go. I been through this argument at TFS,Thoughts and other forums. I don't agree with this lifestyle and I'm not going to use religion as a back up with due respect but I say it's wrong.
No one is going to change my mind. This is why I say no use going back and forth. Some may see this a entertainment which will turn into a fight.
...so if you like,let's get it on.

Just to point out something here....Don't think Checkerboard Strangler is trying to change your mind. So far as far as I can tell he simply wants to know WHY you made the decision that you have made. If it turns into him trying to change your mind then simply end the conversation since you obviously don't want to.

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

Think it's a waste of time telling me this isn't the way to go. I been through this argument at TFS,Thoughts and other forums. I don't agree with this lifestyle and I'm not going to use religion as a back up with due respect but I say it's wrong.
No one is going to change my mind. This is why I say no use going back and forth. Some may see this a entertainment which will turn into a fight.
...so if you like,let's get it on.

How did you get "telling me this isn't the way to go" out of anything I just said?

 

[PTF]

Just to point out something here....Don't think Checkerboard Strangler is trying to change your mind. So far as far as I can tell he simply wants to know WHY you made the decision that you have made. If it turns into him trying to change your mind then simply end the conversation since you obviously don't want to.

I made my decision that's is wrong ?
Why you say ?
Two dudes making out...not nice.

 

[PTF]

How did you get "telling me this isn't the way to go" out of anything I just said?

Perhaps I should say this ... I have never disowned my sons but if any one of them along with my nephews decided to come out during Thanksgiving dinner I will.

 

[OldFatGuy]

How interesting! Please tell me to mind my own business if you wish, but is your daughter's partner a sexual partner? Or is theirs simply a loving platonic relationship?

Plato never said anything about sexual abstinence. His point was that women should also be respected and appreciated for their intellects.

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

Perhaps I should say this ... I have never disowned my sons but if any one of them along with my nephews decided to come out during Thanksgiving dinner I will.

Okay look, I did not start this thread to pick on someone who would or has made such a decision.
Yes, it IS TRUE that my own PERSONAL belief is that I could never disown my kid for being gay, but that has ZERO to do with why I started the thread.

I wanted to hear from people who HAVE disowned their kid or who WOULD disown them for being gay, in order to understand WHY they made their decision.

 

[Andalublue]

Plato never said anything about sexual abstinence. His point was that women should also be respected and appreciated for their intellects.

I'm aware of that, but platonic now doesn't really relate to Plato's thinking any more than referring to a Freudian slip relates to Sigmund's body of work. I think anyone would know what I was referring to.

 

[Andalublue]

Perhaps I should say this ... I have never disowned my sons but if any one of them along with my nephews decided to come out during Thanksgiving dinner I will.

So, on any other day of the year it would be fine?

 

[PTF]

Okay look, I did not start this thread to pick on someone who would or has made such a decision.
Yes, it IS TRUE that my own PERSONAL belief is that I could never disown my kid for being gay, but that has ZERO to do with why I started the thread.

I wanted to hear from people who HAVE disowned their kid or who WOULD disown them for being gay, in order to understand WHY they made their decision.

I understand. I'm saying I would.
Sounds like you're surprised.

 

[Tanngrisnir]

I have four nephews...if any of them decided to become gay they are not welcome.
As of my two sons ?
The same goes for them.
No need to go back and forth my decision is final.

How would they 'become' gay?