Dating, Is Full Disclosure Required?

[molten_dragon]

We've broached this issue here before. When someone who has had a sex change begins a relationship, is full disclosure required? When should it be addressed?

Yes, full disclosure is required. It should be addressed before any sexual acts take place.

Is it wrong to wait until the relationship gets moving to the next level before spilling the beans?

It would be wrong to have sex with someone without telling them. I don't think it has to be told on the first date though.

Well, I heard another one on the radio today. Should someone tell a potential partner that they once tried to commit suicide or were talked down from a rooftop? If so, when?

Yep, that needs to be disclosed too. Before marriage certainly, not sure exactly when.

How about certain medical conditions? Do we have to share with a new special someone that we once had an STD?

If it's something you had in the past but no longer do, I don't think it needs to be disclosed. Maybe if it was something serious that could reoccur, like cancer you might tell them, but I don't think you need to tell someone you were treated for an STD.

To me, the cutoff point is when the issue is something that a reasonable person would understand is going to be a dealbreaker for a lot of people (i.e. the sex change) or if it's an issue that has long-term implications for the relationship (i.e. you can't have kids, or you had a bankruptcy, or you attempted suicide in the past).

 

[calamity]

Makes me thankful I do not drink lol

I no longer do

 

[calamity]

Yes, full disclosure is required. It should be addressed before any sexual acts take place.



It would be wrong to have sex with someone without telling them. I don't think it has to be told on the first date though.



Yep, that needs to be disclosed too. Before marriage certainly, not sure exactly when.



If it's something you had in the past but no longer do, I don't think it needs to be disclosed. Maybe if it was something serious that could reoccur, like cancer you might tell them, but I don't think you need to tell someone you were treated for an STD.

To me, the cutoff point is when the issue is something that a reasonable person would understand is going to be a dealbreaker for a lot of people (i.e. the sex change) or if it's an issue that has long-term implications for the relationship (i.e. you can't have kids, or you had a bankruptcy, or you attempted suicide in the past).

I'm long past needing to worry about these things, but when I met my current wife, I suspect I shared way too much information much too soon. She reminds me of that to this day...15 years later.

The funny thing is the stuff I told her about my parents, although at first appeared to be TMI, she now concedes it was indeed important to tell her that stuff. She just wished she had listened more closely.

 

[yankintx]

I no longer do

Best thing I ever did quit alcohol, I now keep it green and natural, all legel here in Mass !!

 

[calamity]

Best thing I ever did quit alcohol, I now keep it green and natural, all legel here in Mass !!

I no longer partake. But, I traded booze for weed back in college. It helped me graduate. Later, I switched to bars for the socialization aspect. Pot messed with my speech. I had no game when baked. A few drinks had me putting on my Casanova hat.

Every once in a while I'll still have a drink or a toke, but very rare. Just not into either anymore.

 

[RAMOSS]

Best thing I ever did quit alcohol, I now keep it green and natural, all legel here in Mass !!

And you can grow up to 6 plants!

 

[whateverdude]

If they don't they're bad people

 

[beefheart]

We've broached this issue here before. When someone who has had a sex change begins a relationship, is full disclosure required? When should it be addressed? Is it wrong to wait until the relationship gets moving to the next level before spilling the beans?

Well, I heard another one on the radio today. Should someone tell a potential partner that they once tried to commit suicide or were talked down from a rooftop? If so, when?

How about certain medical conditions? Do we have to share with a new special someone that we once had an STD?

It gets kind of interesting when you think about it. Where do we draw the line? When during the relationship do we draw it?

I'm going to say, privacy trumps disclosure. But, at some point certain things must be shared. Obviously, if you are about to be married, saying, "I have a bankruptcy in my recent past," is pretty important information. Likewise, helpful would be telling new spouse that you have been married before. Another essential is sharing, "Doctors say I can't have kids."

On the other side of the fence though, I see no reason someone should be obligated to tell the future spouse that they once had a threesome or that they once used drugs. Even prior misdemeanor arrests could be kept quite, IMO. I'd even be willing to accept that a short stint in rehab or a brief visit to a psych ward following a breakdown do not necessarily need to be drudged back up, if they happened only once and long ago.

So, if someone got talked off a roof, or they took too many sleeping pills once, why bring that up during a relationship. And, if the relationship gets super serious to the point of starting a life together and maybe having kids, well, that might be a good time to reevaluate what else you want to share, if anything.

If a relationship is not built on honesty by both participants, it is doomed to fail.

 

[maquiscat]

If a relationship is not built on honesty by both participants, it is doomed to fail.

That doesn't answer the question, though. Are you limiting your self to romantic relationships? Additionally, are all things required to be disclosed immediately? The question is more geared to when it the right time and what things are required to be disclosed? For example, is it dishonest if you don't disclose your high school and/or college GPA? Is that something that needs to be disclosed? If so, when is it appropriate?

 

[Napoleon]

We've broached this issue here before. When someone who has had a sex change begins a relationship, is full disclosure required? When should it be addressed? Is it wrong to wait until the relationship gets moving to the next level before spilling the beans?

It should be disclosed when building a relationship with someone. To me, this is an honest and transparent and therefore right thing to do. People have the right to consider the totality of a person when making relationship commitments. Keeping information off the table that involves such a big part of a person's history and identity - particularly when it involves lifelong specialized medical care - is dishonest in my view. No one hast to like the resulting decision, maybe one that isn't based on what you or I would consider to be good reasons or weighed against compassionate considerations for the challenges trans people face, but our right to make it should be respected.

 

[calamity]

It should be disclosed when building a relationship with someone. To me, this is an honest and transparent and therefore right thing to do. People have the right to consider the totality of a person when making relationship commitments. Keeping information off the table that involves such a big part of a person's history and identity - particularly when it involves lifelong specialized medical care - is dishonest in my view. No one hast to like the resulting decision, maybe one that isn't based on what you or I would consider to be good reasons or weighed against compassionate considerations for the challenges trans people face, but our right to make it should be respected.

My thoughts on this are sort of mixed. Back in the 80's, I started dating this girl I really liked. We went out a few times, shared many long, intimate kisses and were getting very close to beginning a full-on sexual relationship. On the night I fully expected to consummate the relationship, girl tells me she has to tell me something. I'm like, "Oh, ****."

Long story short, she revealed a sexual health problem. She told me she had once had a Herpes outbreak. It happened about 2 years earlier but never came back. Clearly, moving forward could have put me at risk. But, by that point, I was pretty horny. So, I did not care what "outbreaks" she had in her past because I really wanted to go to bed with this girl--hell, she could have told me she had full blown AIDS, and I still probably would have wanted to sleep with her. So, I threw caution to the wind. Thankfully, with no ill effect.

Point is though....what would I have done had she told me that on the first date? I imagine that I would have moved in a different direction. I would have been disappointed, of course, but since nothing had yet been invested in her emotionally, I would have easily moved on to someone else. BTW, that would have been a mistake because we were together for 5 years and nothing ever surfaced. To this day, she was the best woman I was ever with that I did not marry. So, it would have been a huge loss on my part.

 

[calamity]

That doesn't answer the question, though. Are you limiting your self to romantic relationships? Additionally, are all things required to be disclosed immediately? The question is more geared to when it the right time and what things are required to be disclosed? For example, is it dishonest if you don't disclose your high school and/or college GPA? Is that something that needs to be disclosed? If so, when is it appropriate?

As mentioned in the example I gave above, TMI too soon can be a deal breaker. I am not sure where that line lies though. And, it would sure suck if being told X resulted in a hasty decision made that you may regret later, should you realize the lost opportunity.

On the flip side, not being given enough info can lead to disaster. I recall several occurrences which all stemmed from the same thing: new girlfriend not telling me how crazy her ex is. Two biggies--actually three--that I recall like yesterday almost got me killed. The third almost got me locked up. Long story short, if your ex is a violent or unbalanced stalker, please let the new person in your life know ASAP. At the very least, they'll be prepared and can keep one eye looking over their shoulder.

 

[Henrin]

As mentioned in the example I gave above, TMI too soon can be a deal breaker. I am not sure where that line lies though. And, it would sure suck if being told X resulted in a hasty decision made that you may regret later, should you realize the lost opportunity.

On the flip side, not being given enough info can lead to disaster. I recall several occurrences which all stemmed from the same thing: new girlfriend not telling me how crazy her ex is. Two biggies--actually three--that I recall like yesterday almost got me killed. The third almost got me locked up. Long story short, if your ex is a violent or unbalanced stalker, please let the new person in your life know ASAP. At the very least, they'll be prepared and can keep one eye looking over their shoulder.

It's not a TMI situation. If the person is a MTF then they are factually not a woman and such information needs to be known as soon as interest is shown by anyone. They are already acting immorally by running around deceiving people by their appearance and allowing that deception to be more than just a passing misconception by allowing it to go into romantic interest is flat out evil. Avoiding that misconception to go into the romantic sphere is very easy and only requires the transgender to inform as soon as interest is shown.

This is not about asking them for information that is not relevant to the situation, but asking them for information that is central to dating and romantic interest. Are they in fact what they present themselves as? Sorry, but demanding to know what they actually are is entirely reasonable.

 

[whateverdude]

If you don't, and someone puts you in the ICU
Expect no sympathy from me

 

[radcen]

Good point.

Things that I believe are "HUGE": Carrying communicable diseases, having spent time in prison, still married, kids, crazy ex who may stalk us or kill us, serious diagnosed mental imbalance, drug use, chronic illnesses, sex change, bisexual, etc are all things that potential partners should be made aware of before the relationship becomes more entangling.

Right, it depends. A past sex change is huge. On the flip side...

I once got serious with a lady and she wanted to meet because she had some uber important topic she wanted to tell me. We were 4-5 months into the relationship, and it was serious. It needed to be told in person. We made a special date just for this. Ok. I was a bit concerned.

She had breast augmentation surgery years before. Fake boobs.

:neutral:

:shrug:

My reaction was pretty much, "Ok." My unspoken reaction was: 1) I had already figured that out and didn't care (they were actually very nice and natural looking). 2) Where's the big announcement / revelation?

 

[Henrin]

Right, it depends. A past sex change is huge. On the flip side...

I once got serious with a lady and she wanted to meet because she had some uber important topic she wanted to tell me. We were 4-5 months into the relationship, and it was serious. It needed to be told in person. We made a special date just for this. Ok. I was a bit concerned.

She had breast augmentation surgery years before. Fake boobs.

:neutral:

:shrug:

My reaction was pretty much, "Ok." My unspoken reaction was: 1) I had already figured that out and didn't care (they were actually very nice and natural looking). 2) Where's the big announcement / revelation?

Comparing fake boobs to a person not even being the sex they are presenting themselves as is stupid. A woman with fake boobs is still a woman and if the implants are removed she likely still will have boobs. Sorry, but the comparison sucks.

 

[calamity]

Right, it depends. A past sex change is huge. On the flip side...

I once got serious with a lady and she wanted to meet because she had some uber important topic she wanted to tell me. We were 4-5 months into the relationship, and it was serious. It needed to be told in person. We made a special date just for this. Ok. I was a bit concerned.

She had breast augmentation surgery years before. Fake boobs.

:neutral:

:shrug:

My reaction was pretty much, "Ok." My unspoken reaction was: 1) I had already figured that out and didn't care (they were actually very nice and natural looking). 2) Where's the big announcement / revelation?

I once dated someone who had fake hair, boobs, teeth and eyes. She bleached her hair, had a boob job, wore veneers, and colored contact lenses. The mystery to me was what the hell she really looked like. I found it rather intriguing.

 

[radcen]

Comparing fake boobs to a person not even being the sex they are presenting themselves as is stupid. A woman with fake boobs is still a woman and if the implants are removed she likely still will have boobs. Sorry, but the comparison sucks.

The point of the thread is about disclosure in general, and what should be required or expected and what should not be. She felt it was necessary. I thought her disclosure was nice in a 'let's be truthful' way, but unimportant.

 

[radcen]

I once dated someone who had fake hair, boobs, teeth and eyes. She bleached her hair, had a boob job, wore veneers, and colored contact lenses. The mystery to me was what the hell she really looked like. I found it rather intriguing.

None of those individually would be a deal-breaker to me. All combined, however, would make me question her self-esteem, which is a far deeper and potentially serious issue. I would wonder, "Does she really hate herself that bad?"

As far as the fake boobs go, I prefer real boobs. I'd rather have small real boobs than bigger fake boobs. And I don't like the fake ones where it looks like they inserted half a cantaloupe in her chest. But, like I said, hers were actually very nice and tastefully done. That being said, even the cantaloupe boobs wouldn't be a deal-breaker by it self, though I would not be impressed, either.

 

[Henrin]

The point of the thread is about disclosure in general, and what should be required or expected and what should not be. She felt it was necessary. I thought her disclosure was nice in a 'let's be truthful' way, but unimportant.

I think it is necessary for a woman disclose they have fake boobs, but on grand scheme of things it is simply not comparable to issues that could exist with transgenders.

 

[radcen]

I think it is necessary for a woman disclose they have fake boobs, but on grand scheme of things it is simply not comparable to issues that could exist with transgenders.

Eventually, I agree she should should own up to it, but like you say it's not a huge deal. It's kinda like getting a tattoo on your butt, in a way. It's not in the realm of a sex change or a still-active STD, etc.

 

[MaggieD]

We've broached this issue here before. When someone who has had a sex change begins a relationship, is full disclosure required? When should it be addressed? Is it wrong to wait until the relationship gets moving to the next level before spilling the beans?

Well, I heard another one on the radio today. Should someone tell a potential partner that they once tried to commit suicide or were talked down from a rooftop? If so, when?

How about certain medical conditions? Do we have to share with a new special someone that we once had an STD?

It gets kind of interesting when you think about it. Where do we draw the line? When during the relationship do we draw it?

I'm going to say, privacy trumps disclosure. But, at some point certain things must be shared. Obviously, if you are about to be married, saying, "I have a bankruptcy in my recent past," is pretty important information. Likewise, helpful would be telling new spouse that you have been married before. Another essential is sharing, "Doctors say I can't have kids."

On the other side of the fence though, I see no reason someone should be obligated to tell the future spouse that they once had a threesome or that they once used drugs. Even prior misdemeanor arrests could be kept quite, IMO. I'd even be willing to accept that a short stint in rehab or a brief visit to a psych ward following a breakdown do not necessarily need to be drudged back up, if they happened only once and long ago.

So, if someone got talked off a roof, or they took too many sleeping pills once, why bring that up during a relationship. And, if the relationship gets super serious to the point of starting a life together and maybe having kids, well, that might be a good time to reevaluate what else you want to share, if anything.

Sex change right up front, imo. Someone who's "had" an STD? No reason to tell anyone unless it's herpes. As we all know, herpes is forever. Personal details like a suicide attempt? Much later in a relationship... move-in or engaged or marriage discussions. but I think it should be shared. A threesome? Nah. Experimentation with homosexuality? Nah.

I guess I pretty much agree with you. BUT if a question is asked, for God's sake, don't lie. Been married before? How many times? Any kids? Every question either deserves an honest answer or deserves "Yeah, that's a little too personal for me."

My questions were always... Been married? How many times? When were you divorced? How many kids? How old? What do you do for a living? How long ya' been doing that? Where do you live? What kind of car do you drive?

I'll see if I can find the questionnaire I gave them and post it up.






Kidding!!!

 

[calamity]

The point of the thread is about disclosure in general, and what should be required or expected and what should not be. She felt it was necessary. I thought her disclosure was nice in a 'let's be truthful' way, but unimportant.

Correct, the thread is about disclosure in general. I did not take into account that some people are obsessed with that one issue. Had I thought about it, I would have clearly stated in the OP that, since this one issue has already been repeatedly hashed over in here, we should primarily explore the other disclosure issues. I thought people would get that without me having to spell it out. My bad.

 

[calamity]

Sex change right up front, imo. Someone who's "had" an STD? No reason to tell anyone unless it's herpes. As we all know, herpes is forever. Personal details like a suicide attempt? Much later in a relationship... move-in or engaged or marriage discussions. but I think it should be shared. A threesome? Nah. Experimentation with homosexuality? Nah.

I guess I pretty much agree with you. BUT if a question is asked, for God's sake, don't lie. Been married before? How many times? Any kids? Every question either deserves an honest answer or deserves "Yeah, that's a little too personal for me."

My questions were always... Been married? How many times? When were you divorced? How many kids? How old? What do you do for a living? How long ya' been doing that? Where do you live? What kind of car do you drive?

I'll see if I can find the questionnaire I gave them and post it up.






Kidding!!!

IMO, the biggest is being married. That should be revealed immediately, assuming the person does not wear a ring. And, even if there is a ring, it still needs to be said. I say that is number one. The biggest and most important disclosure that must be made.

Next, and this is maybe less obvious, sharing any threats. "My ex has been stalking me for the past six months. In fact, that's him right over there." Gotta tell someone about that pretty quick. If it's real bad, it should be said during the first drink.

IMO, sharing sex change info, assuming full surgery is complete, is not required until much later in the game. Pre-op, sooner. Obviously. Full surgery sex change, IMO, is kind of like hysterectomy. It needs to be shared, but not until things get serious. Pre-op, that should be shared before anything happens at all sexually.

Financial disclosures are a whole ball of wax that need to be discerned in a separate post perhaps. But, for the most part, not lying about wealth would be key. And, that includes not pretending to be rich by wearing fancy clothes you bought with a maxed out credit card, showing up in rented or even leased cars that are way outside your budget, and other superficial financial trickery. You should bring up financial problems you are facing reasonably early in a relationship as well, but you can keep the details vague. "I have some debts" or, "My child support and alimony payments leave me pretty strapped." That sort of thing. IMO, that should be shared maybe after a month or so into a growing long term relationship.

 

[radcen]

Sex change right up front, imo. Someone who's "had" an STD? No reason to tell anyone unless it's herpes. As we all know, herpes is forever. Personal details like a suicide attempt? Much later in a relationship... move-in or engaged or marriage discussions. but I think it should be shared. A threesome? Nah. Experimentation with homosexuality? Nah.

I guess I pretty much agree with you. BUT if a question is asked, for God's sake, don't lie. Been married before? How many times? Any kids? Every question either deserves an honest answer or deserves "Yeah, that's a little too personal for me."

My questions were always... Been married? How many times? When were you divorced? How many kids? How old? What do you do for a living? How long ya' been doing that? Where do you live? What kind of car do you drive?

I'll see if I can find the questionnaire I gave them and post it up.

Kidding!!!

Being married I obviously don't date anymore, but when I did between marriages one question I would ask early on was, "Have you ever cheated on someone?"

That was important to me. Only got one affirmative answer, btw.