• This is a political forum that is non-biased/non-partisan and treats every person's position on topics equally. This debate forum is not aligned to any political party. In today's politics, many ideas are split between and even within all the political parties. Often we find ourselves agreeing on one platform but some topics break our mold. We are here to discuss them in a civil political debate. If this is your first visit to our political forums, be sure to check out the RULES. Registering for debate politics is necessary before posting. Register today to participate - it's free!

Being a Mother: Advice?

Hey-o, another blog post! 😎




I hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day! My wife and I went out for a meal last night, and we had a really good conservation about raising children (straight up until almost closing, too). We're both having these conversations more and more. Though my wife and I never really intended to ever really consider it, she and I are in that headspace where we have both come to agreement that we would like to be parents at some point in the future.

It's a crazy thing to feel, honestly. I never thought I'd be in a position like this, or rather I just couldn't ever conceive it in my head. Doesn't really feel that long ago that we were both kids ourselves, with no real direction in our lives. Time flies, doesn't it?

My wife and I do not intend to jump on this in the short-term. She and I have made it certain to one another that we want to be at least in our 30's before we decide to make the decision to be parents. It's a serious responsibility, and we just aren't there yet. Plenty of research and preparation still needs to be done on our part. I've talked to my parents about it for advice and all, and they've given me pretty good tips on parenting. Oh, they were both over the moon at the idea of getting grandkids from me.

I'd certainly make an awful mother at this stage in my life, since I just have too many other priorities and stuff to focus on, and if I want to be a good mother, I need to have the ability to prioritize a child above everything else.

I don't know if I've ever had true aversion to raising children. I think a big hesitation on my part is that being gay, I have a tendency to want to buck the heteronormative box that is expected for most women to fit in, especially when I was younger and far less confident in myself. I honestly am pretty "straight-acting" in general, so I guess I don't even really go 'too far out' on that front. I've certainly never been as far out as some of those 'childfree' people can get; often those people have a seriously strange hatred of children.

But I guess it's because I'm getting a bit older, and now that I'm married and financially independent (and stable), I guess it's forced me to think about it more and more. Plus, I've been having issues with baby fever, in the sense that for whatever reason, I'll get the desire to have a child (probably hormones and stuff).


And it doesn't help that this family that lives next to my place often has their kids playing in the neighborhood street after school lets out, and it's just so cute seeing them all play together. I can admit that I feel a sort of jealousy seeing it and hearing those cheerful shouts.


Of course, this relates to adoption only. I'm already utterly terrified of pregnancy to start with, and I shall remain so, and due to Texas' current restrictive abortion laws, including the Texas GOP's attempts to criminalize out-of-state abortion procedures, no way in hell would I ever take a chance with that in this state.


Plus, I often think about the children stuck in the foster care system, and some of the horrible things that they have to be subjected to. It must feel awful to effectively feel unwanted in a sense, and especially dealing with some of the terrible conditions that they have to endure.


Also, my wife and I would prefer adopting a child in at least the 7+ age range. The older children get in the foster care system, the less desirable they become to adoption-seeking parents (adoptive parents seem to go after mainly infants and/or very young children). It is plenty understandable, as you have less likely of a time to deal with behavioral issues for example. But I dunno, I find the idea of being a mother to some of those kids who are 7-12 or so not so bad of an idea.


I know this is kind of a ramble, but I am excited about the potential prospect of this in the future. I believe my wife and I can provide a very good quality of life for a child(ren) in need. Many of you guys here at DP are parents, so I would be open to any sort of advice any of you folks would be willing to give me. 😙👍
 
Click to expand...
I was giving my background to show that I had a lot of information to work with when I had to decide where to adopt. When I first looked into adoption, only international adoption seemed like something I could handle. I didn't want to try to find a pregnant woman, see if she chose us, wait until she gave birth, hoping it would work out, only to be left disappointed. Working with an international lawyer or orphanage gave a guarantee of results. When I first started out I thought maybe I could adopt from Korea because my next door neighbor had adopted his son from Korea. The agency I called said that Korea was "closed" as a "source' at the time, though, and only South America was open as a source for babies. (My husband and I later joined the Latin American Parents Association and some of the parents who belonged to it had an older child from Korea and a younger one from South or Central America. I don't recall if Mexico was open as a source then.)

I was directed to this volunteer group (LAPA) and I went to a volunteer's house. There was a dining room table covered with sheets of information about many different sources. The trick was to match who you were to what the source wanted. It could have been a television quiz game show. Some sources (remember a source is an orphanage or a lawyer who is brokering a legal, sanctioned adoption) wanted only married couples still in their 20's. Some sources wanted only married couples over 30. Some wanted a married couple, but neither partner could have been divorced. Some wanted a married couple and each could have been divorced once, but no people with two divorces would be considered. Some wanted only practicing Catholics. Some demanded a physical exam.

In return the source might offer a newborn baby; giving you a choice of sex; offering a child under 2; having a very short waiting period; etc.

So you had to match up your desires with what the source wanted from a couple (or an individual).

I knew I wanted a girl and I wanted a baby who had just been born. The reason I wanted a baby who had just been born is that I did not want my child to have suffered separation anxiety or to have failed to form the first bonds of love that a baby must form.

If you want to learn more about this bonding I recommend Selma Fraiberg's Every Child's Birthright: In Defense of Mothering. It explains how the very earliest days a baby spends are crucial to its forming bonds of love that it to the human family.

Since this baby's mother relinquished her, I was sent the photo and asked if I wanted her, which of course, I did. She weighed a little over 6 pounds and had black spiky hair that stood up from her head. She looked like a newborn. To me she was glorious. My husband was in Switzerland on business. I arranged to meet him in Colombia.

(to be continued)
 
TheGoverness said:
Of course, this relates to adoption only. I'm already utterly terrified of pregnancy to start with, and I shall remain so, and due to Texas' current restrictive abortion laws, including the Texas GOP's attempts to criminalize out-of-state abortion procedures, no way in hell would I ever take a chance with that in this state.


Plus, I often think about the children stuck in the foster care system, and some of the horrible things that they have to be subjected to. It must feel awful to effectively feel unwanted in a sense, and especially dealing with some of the terrible conditions that they have to endure.


Also, my wife and I would prefer adopting a child in at least the 7+ age range. The older children get in the foster care system, the less desirable they become to adoption-seeking parents (adoptive parents seem to go after mainly infants and/or very young children). It is plenty understandable, as you have less likely of a time to deal with behavioral issues for example. But I dunno, I find the idea of being a mother to some of those kids who are 7-12 or so not so bad of an idea.
Click to expand...

I admire you for wanting to adopt from foster care rather than to go the newborn adoption route. There are more than a half million or even more children languishing and waiting for forever homes. Many of them age out and never find a home. Most kids 7 and older come with some serious problems. Please learn about it before diving in, and please do not think love can wash away their problems caused from abandonment, neglect, physical abuse, among a whole host of different problems including FAS. (fetal alcohol syndrome) Some of these kids besides suffering an initial abandonment from their own parents or parent, have been put in a foster to adopt program only to suffer another rejection with the foster to adopt family returns them back to foster care because the kid was just too difficult to handle. Read, read, research it all, and good luck to you. I sincerely hope your dream of parenthood comes true for you and your partner. You both sound like you would make the best of parents.
 
Folks have done real well with the nurturing advice so I can't really add there.

On the practical side see how your state is set up for 529 educational accounts to help for college or trade school.
Get a will drawn up, buy a 20 year term life insurance for both of you.
Keep a lot of books in the house and let the kids see you reading. Help them to become proficient readers.
Being foster kids they may have had a tough row to hoe in education, find out where they are lacking and find tutors for that skill if unable to do it yourself.
Get them their own library card.
Teach them how to cook a few simple things. Biscuits and gravy. Pancakes. Stew.
When grocery shopping let them pick out something to cook for dinner from scratch. A weekend dinner works best for time.
 
TheGoverness said:
Hey-o, another blog post! 😎




I hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day! My wife and I went out for a meal last night, and we had a really good conservation about raising children (straight up until almost closing, too). We're both having these conversations more and more. Though my wife and I never really intended to ever really consider it, she and I are in that headspace where we have both come to agreement that we would like to be parents at some point in the future.

It's a crazy thing to feel, honestly. I never thought I'd be in a position like this, or rather I just couldn't ever conceive it in my head. Doesn't really feel that long ago that we were both kids ourselves, with no real direction in our lives. Time flies, doesn't it?

My wife and I do not intend to jump on this in the short-term. She and I have made it certain to one another that we want to be at least in our 30's before we decide to make the decision to be parents. It's a serious responsibility, and we just aren't there yet. Plenty of research and preparation still needs to be done on our part. I've talked to my parents about it for advice and all, and they've given me pretty good tips on parenting. Oh, they were both over the moon at the idea of getting grandkids from me.
Click to expand...
Not a mother, but I live with one. We have two adult daughters. Here are a couple of things that I feel I learned that I think are important.

There are a million ways for parents to screw up their children. Everyone will experience at least one. Give yourself some grace, it is a hard job that puts you on the schedule for 24/7/365/18, everyone makes mistakes.
Remember that you are going to be parents of adults way longer than you are parents of children, and even longer than you are a parent of a baby. At those times when it seems too much, trust that you will soon get something from your child that will make you forget the hard stuff.
Remember that your child is not doing something just to piss you off, nothing changes your attitude about a child crying on an airline faster than having a child.
When there is conflict between you and your child, remember that you are the adult in that dynamic.

Finally, it was the hardest job I ever had...and the best.
 
My daughter's best friend is gay and she is getting married in August. She and her partner plan to have a child by next year. They have not decided if either one or both will have babies. They will both be 30 this August. My daughter is having a baby in August and they want to have a child who would be around the same age so they can grow up together. My daughter's best friend is like my other daughter and she still stops by once in a while, runs to the refrigerator to get something and comes and sits down to talk to the wife and I. They have been best friends since both she and my daughter were 10 years old. We have already offered to help watch the baby/babies if asked. Good luck.

I am editing this to add:

I can't imagine my life without my daughter. As I pointed out last year when I joined this site, we tried for 10 years to have a child. When we finally did, both my wife and daughter almost died in childbirth with the end result that we could only have one child. I can't explain what it is like to be a parent. It is a gift that I cherish each day. While you and I do not agree on most things, do your research but I am positive you will see so many blessings from having a child.
 
Str8shooter said:
My daughter's best friend is gay and she is getting married in August. She and her partner plan to have a child by next year. They have not decided if either one or both will have babies. They will both be 30 this August. My daughter is having a baby in August and they want to have a child who would be around the same age so they can grow up together. My daughter's best friend is like my other daughter and she still stops by once in a while, runs to the refrigerator to get something and comes and sits down to talk to the wife and I. They have been best friends since both she and my daughter were 10 years old. We have already offered to help watch the baby/babies if asked. Good luck.

I am editing this to add:

I can't imagine my life without my daughter. As I pointed out last year when I joined this site, we tried for 10 years to have a child. When we finally did, both my wife and daughter almost died in childbirth with the end result that we could only have one child. I can't explain what it is like to be a parent. It is a gift that I cherish each day. While you and I do not agree on most things, do your research but I am positive you will see so many blessings from having a child.
Click to expand...
The only thing I'd say to your daughter is that life will be way easier if they don't have two babies at the same time. Especially for first time parents, the ability to 'hand off' and have a moment for yourself is quite valuable. My wife and I waited to have kids, and when she got pregnant and found out it was a single fetus (we didn't peak-and I encourage all pregnant couples to be surprised at birth) she said to her OB...'Shut, I was hoping it was twins'. The OB said, 'Nothing wrong with twins, but drop down on your knees and thank God you are only having one at a time.'
 
mrjurrs said:
The only thing I'd say to your daughter is that life will be way easier if they don't have two babies at the same time. Especially for first time parents, the ability to 'hand off' and have a moment for yourself is quite valuable. My wife and I waited to have kids, and when she got pregnant and found out it was a single fetus (we didn't peak-and I encourage all pregnant couples to be surprised at birth) she said to her OB...'Shut, I was hoping it was twins'. The OB said, 'Nothing wrong with twins, but drop down on your knees and thank God you are only having one at a time.'
Click to expand...
The young lady that I referenced is not my daughter. She is "like my daughter." Her father passed away one week before this young lady met my daughter. They were trying out for a softball team. Both were extremely good. Anyway, she sat down next to my daughter and said, "I don't have a best friend. Would you be my best friend?" They have been best friends ever since. My daughter is having twins.
 
Str8shooter said:
The young lady that I referenced is not my daughter. She is "like my daughter." Her father passed away one week before this young lady met my daughter. They were trying out for a softball team. Both were extremely good. Anyway, she sat down next to my daughter and said, "I don't have a best friend. Would you be my best friend?" They have been best friends ever since. My daughter is having twins.
Click to expand...
Good luck, extra work coming on the grandparent end...
 
You'll try really hard not to repeat the mistakes your parents made. But you'll end up making some mistakes of your own along the way. As others have said, don't be hard on yourself. Children are incredibly resilient. And forgiving, so long as they know you love them. (And it helps if sometimes you acknowledge you were wrong, or tired....also, apologizing every once in a while isn't a bad idea.)

Be consistent. It's a lot easier said than done, by which I mean you won't always be able to achieve this. But, on the whole, if you can manage a fairly good rate, it seems to help kids. They need to know what to expect. (Well, don't we all?)

Re bending rules: it takes a while to figure out whether you can bend a rule with a child. For our oldest and youngest, yeah, we could, and neither one expected to have a similar break the next time around. However, for the middle kid, every time we bent a rule, it became a norm, and she expected it again and again. Nothing wrong with that, it's just who she was. So, we realized we couldn't do it very often for her. (Turns out she was extremely ADD, and, as most of us know, these kids really need and thrive with consistency.)

Take time out for yourself. I cannot emphasize this enough. For you as an individual, and also for the two of you (if you're a couple). Hard to do, but try to carve out time wherever and whenever you can, even if for only 20-30 minutes. For instance: sometimes wait in the car, by yourself, instead of inside with the other parents. Those moments of solitude can be very soothing.

Take photos. Be sure they're not dependent upon being inside a device - you don't want to lose them. You have no idea how much you'll enjoy them years and years later.

"These are the best years of your life." Words my grandmother wrote us shortly before her death. At the time we were covered over - or so we thought - with jobs, house, kids, kids' activities, our social lives (such as they were) etc and looked forward to when the kids were all in school, when they were in high school, when they went to college, when they left home....But my grandmother was right. Those hectic years were the best years of our lives. (Well, until the grandkids...)

Anyway, take a deep breath. You and the kids will survive. Relax and enjoy these years.
 
Str8shooter said:
My daughter's best friend is gay and she is getting married in August. She and her partner plan to have a child by next year. They have not decided if either one or both will have babies. They will both be 30 this August. My daughter is having a baby in August and they want to have a child who would be around the same age so they can grow up together. My daughter's best friend is like my other daughter and she still stops by once in a while, runs to the refrigerator to get something and comes and sits down to talk to the wife and I. They have been best friends since both she and my daughter were 10 years old. We have already offered to help watch the baby/babies if asked. Good luck.

I am editing this to add:

I can't imagine my life without my daughter. As I pointed out last year when I joined this site, we tried for 10 years to have a child. When we finally did, both my wife and daughter almost died in childbirth with the end result that we could only have one child. I can't explain what it is like to be a parent. It is a gift that I cherish each day. While you and I do not agree on most things, do your research but I am positive you will see so many blessings from having a child.
Click to expand...

I very much appreciate your comment, man! Best of luck to both, and I hope it brings all of you joy! 👍🏼
 
My Wife is far more the expert than I, but love them, listen to them, and keep them busy.
Read to them often, talk about college, like it is just a fact of life like going to high school,
and make a plan of how you will pay for it.
They may complain, but Music, Art, literature, plays, as well as things like boy or girl scouts.
Your goal is to have functioning adults that you would enjoy being around.
 
Set very clear boundaries that both you and your wife agree on totally, and enforce them to the letter, both of you, and without equivocation. That clarity will help the child understand that whenever the occasion arises to discipline them - and it will - it is their own doing, and not you or your wife's. The feedback will make every tumble a teachable moment.

And apologize when you're wrong. Sincerely and profusely. Learning that lesson by example will make your kids great adults. And isn't that what every parent wants to raise?
 
The best thing you can do for your child is to love your mate and always have a united front with raising him/her...
 
I started telling the story of how my husband and I came to adopt our daughter in Posts 44 through46 and I said I would be back to continue the story. I am not sure how fascinating my saga is, but I wanted to keep my word.

The last thing I typed was that my husband and I received word that the paper signed by the mother of the baby chosen for us had passed the 30 day mark and that we were invited to Colombia to continue the adoption process. We had been jumping through hoops for years here in the united States getting all kinds of tests done and recommendations written and a homestudy done by a social worker which involved not only lengthy interviews and an inspection of our home and the room planned for the baby but testing of our water, and so forth. We had had educational certificates and marital certificates submitted and financial forms and psychological forms. Towards the end we had to be fingerprinted every six weeks for the FBI. I guess they thought we might have gotten in trouble during the six week interval between sessions.

When we got to Colombia there was a lot more to go through as we first had to adopt the baby, then had to have her examined by a doctor approved by the American Embassy and apply to have her (now legally our daughter) get a Colombian passport and a visa from the United States Embassy allowing her to enter the United States. This took two trips to Colombia, one to do all the things necessary to get to approve the adoption, the second to do the things necessary to allow our new child to get out of Colombia and into the United States!

And I was interested in bonding with the baby. As I have said she was with a woman that was called a "foster mother", but she the foster mother (a lovely woman named Cristina) had very little time for each baby given that she was caring for four newborns at once. Imagine having quadruplets! Our daughter was used to being left alone and did not cry when put down and left. Other babies who belonged to couples living with us (we lived with two or three other couples and their babies on each of our two trips) were not as docile as our daughter. The Colombians said that my daughter wasn't "spoiled" like some of the other babies who expected to be picked up.

I, on the other hand, wanted to bond with my baby. I felt that she had already lost time bonding with her birth mother. She had not been able to cuddle for her earliest weeks with her mother. She had been thrown out into "foster care" where she had to compete for minimal care. She was fed quickly, put down quickly, not given long periods of time in someone's arms to be cuddled and held close. I wanted her to form the early bond of love that are what make a child love a parent. I believe that it is those bonds of love that make make a child want to please a parent and that, ultimately, allow the parent to socialize and civilize the child by making demands on that love. I am afraid I may be out of space and should take another break.
 
@TheGoverness, adopting an older child from the foster care system is one of the most self-sacrificial things you can do for someone who is vulnerable and in trouble. If ya'll do that, many, many, kudos to you.

We have a couple of friends who have adopted children from the foster care system.... you should be aware upfront about how difficult it can be, and the trials. Without wanting to squash your desire to help children in this position, I would heartily recommend sitting and talking to some foster parents who have worked with the older kids before. Babies are adorable and everyone loves them. Little kids playing happily on your front lawn because they feel loved and safe are heartwarming and fun and cute. Every child in the foster care system is there because something has gone very, wrong, and many of them are deeply wounded. If you don't know this going in, you may have expectations that get hurt when this hurt child, deliberately hurts you (not saying physically attacked, though that did kind of happen with one couple we know), because they can't control their emotions, or because they can't feel safe, loved, and home, regardless of how much you try to make them know they are.

Again, if you do this, I think that's amazing. I just also want to make sure your eyes are open to what you're getting into. :)
 
cpwill said:
Every child in the foster care system is there because something has gone very, wrong, and many of them are deeply wounded. If you don't know this going in, you may have expectations that get hurt when this hurt child, deliberately hurts you (not saying physically attacked, though that did kind of happen with one couple we know), because they can't control their emotions, or because they can't feel safe, loved, and home, regardless of how much you try to make them know they are.
Click to expand...
I found this post to be incredibly insightful.
 
cpwill said:
@TheGoverness, adopting an older child from the foster care system is one of the most self-sacrificial things you can do for someone who is vulnerable and in trouble. If ya'll do that, many, many, kudos to you.

We have a couple of friends who have adopted children from the foster care system.... you should be aware upfront about how difficult it can be, and the trials. Without wanting to squash your desire to help children in this position, I would heartily recommend sitting and talking to some foster parents who have worked with the older kids before. Babies are adorable and everyone loves them. Little kids playing happily on your front lawn because they feel loved and safe are heartwarming and fun and cute. Every child in the foster care system is there because something has gone very, wrong, and many of them are deeply wounded. If you don't know this going in, you may have expectations that get hurt when this hurt child, deliberately hurts you (not saying physically attacked, though that did kind of happen with one couple we know), because they can't control their emotions, or because they can't feel safe, loved, and home, regardless of how much you try to make them know they are.

Again, if you do this, I think that's amazing. I just also want to make sure your eyes are open to what you're getting into. :)
Click to expand...

Thank you for your words, @cpwill, truly. I will definitely keep this in mind.
 
NewfieMom said:
I started telling the story of how my husband and I came to adopt our daughter in Posts 44 through46 and I said I would be back to continue the story. I am not sure how fascinating my saga is, but I wanted to keep my word.

The last thing I typed was that my husband and I received word that the paper signed by the mother of the baby chosen for us had passed the 30 day mark and that we were invited to Colombia to continue the adoption process. We had been jumping through hoops for years here in the united States getting all kinds of tests done and recommendations written and a homestudy done by a social worker which involved not only lengthy interviews and an inspection of our home and the room planned for the baby but testing of our water, and so forth. We had had educational certificates and marital certificates submitted and financial forms and psychological forms. Towards the end we had to be fingerprinted every six weeks for the FBI. I guess they thought we might have gotten in trouble during the six week interval between sessions.

When we got to Colombia there was a lot more to go through as we first had to adopt the baby, then had to have her examined by a doctor approved by the American Embassy and apply to have her (now legally our daughter) get a Colombian passport and a visa from the United States Embassy allowing her to enter the United States. This took two trips to Colombia, one to do all the things necessary to get to approve the adoption, the second to do the things necessary to allow our new child to get out of Colombia and into the United States!

And I was interested in bonding with the baby. As I have said she was with a woman that was called a "foster mother", but she the foster mother (a lovely woman named Cristina) had very little time for each baby given that she was caring for four newborns at once. Imagine having quadruplets! Our daughter was used to being left alone and did not cry when put down and left. Other babies who belonged to couples living with us (we lived with two or three other couples and their babies on each of our two trips) were not as docile as our daughter. The Colombians said that my daughter wasn't "spoiled" like some of the other babies who expected to be picked up.

I, on the other hand, wanted to bond with my baby. I felt that she had already lost time bonding with her birth mother. She had not been able to cuddle for her earliest weeks with her mother. She had been thrown out into "foster care" where she had to compete for minimal care. She was fed quickly, put down quickly, not given long periods of time in someone's arms to be cuddled and held close. I wanted her to form the early bond of love that are what make a child love a parent. I believe that it is those bonds of love that make make a child want to please a parent and that, ultimately, allow the parent to socialize and civilize the child by making demands on that love. I am afraid I may be out of space and should take another break.
Click to expand...

I do very much appreciate your story, @NewfieMom. I commend you for your the efforts you went through in adopting. I have put Every Child's Birthright on my list.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom