So many act like a person announcing they are gay makes the person having some hero status. CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING GAY! 3 cheers!
To the contrary, if a person announced "I never loved or wanted my wife, I have always loved another woman" no one cheers - and if this was for years most would seriously condemn the person as a betrayer and liar. In the instant of someone coming out, it takes no more courage than it takes courage if he were to "come out" publicly he had been cheating on his wife for over a decade - and likely would face far worse repercussions as NO ONE would congratulate his courage for "coming out" with that confession.
You don't know what he felt for his wife and his children. There's a good chance he DID and still does love his wife, but more similar to how you love your siblings or parents.
And the courage comes in frankly because of reactions like yours. If he came out younger, he might lose his family and friends and church and community, so he marries because that's what he's told by EVERYONE and EVERYTHING he believes he should do. Be straight, be right with God and the church and get married, have a family, pray, and it will be OK. That's what he's told his whole life. And he does it, thinks it can work, wants more than anything for it to work, and it just doesn't.
So the option then is another no-win choice. Keep up the lie or come out and face the consequences, which include lots of people condemning him like you are. So there's no good option at any point.
Candidly, It would make more sense and be less of an offense if he announced he is bisexual and his desire for another man has finally gotten to him, that this is not acceptable to his wife, so... That would not be as rotten and wouldn't be publicly as humiliating to her nor crushing of her ego. But that would seriously dent his victimhood/hero status because bisexuals are not as accepted as homosexuals are in our society.
That's just piling another lie on top of previous ones.
While in this instance they may well be political repercussions, normally at least in any urban setting any negative repercussions of "coming out" are offset by exceptionally supporting social networking and a far greater sense of community than among heterosexuals. There are no specific "this is a heterosexual bar or club," no collective celebrating heterosexuality, no heterosexual support centers, and no perks for victimhood status.
I don't know how you can make those claims. You're doing it from a position of your family that accepted their child's sexuality, and then assuming an "urban" environment that accepts gay people, so they come out to open arms all around. When that happens it makes all the difference in the world and it's commendable on your part, but it's FAR, FAR, FAR from universal. Just look at homeless children stats - something like
40% of homeless teens are LGBT, and most of those because they were rejected by family or physically shoved out, many were abused by family.
In religious communities in the vast majority of cases, the entire community is the collective celebrating heterosexuality, and shunning anyone who is not heterosexual. Many churches "accept" being gay, so long as the person is celibate and lives alone and without intimate relationships for the rest of his or her life. So they grow up religious and are told what's the right thing to do, and coming out means, essentially, rejecting all that they believed or were told is the TRUTH.
Understand, I have stated many times I have an adult child who is SSM married. In the past we held gay rights meetings in our home. But I don't buy into this being gay makes a person heroic, erases their betrayals and misdeeds nor makes the person special in any way. They are just people, subject to the same ethical code of conduct including in relationships and marriage as everyone else.
I agree with that, but you can't ignore the role society plays in imposing huge pressure on gay people to engage in the unethical conduct you're condemning.
