California Gubernatorial Primary: A sad candidate lineup.

We received the Voter Information Guide in the mail and finally started going through our candidates. The fun begins with the lineup of candidates for Governor:

Michael Shellenberger, Democratic:

Has his heart in all the right places, zero experience.

Nickolas Wildstar, libertarian:

Wants to protect us from regulation. The deregulation platform is code for "I will be hostile to environmental protection policies," so...no.

Desmond Silveira, no party preference:

"Endorsed by American Solidarity Party, which stands for sanctity and dignity of human life, social justice, environmental stewardship an peace."

Go back to Burning Man, hippie. Also, no experience.

Travis Allen, John Cox, Yvonne Giarard, Travis Allen, Republican:

Nope! Sorry, but if you're donning the Republican label in this era, you're out. Saying you're a Republican in this age is making a statement, and that statement is "I like Trump and everything that he and the GOP are doing today." Don't like it? Tough.

J Bribesca, Democratic:

"I'm running for governor to make California better."

Thank God. I was about to vote for the guy whose mission statement was "I'm running to make California worse." Also, no experience.

Johnny Wattenburg, no party preference:

Entire mission statement: "Why not?" Well, Johnny, I can think of at least one reason.

Kinyemi Agbede, Democratic:

Entire mission statement" "California strong!"

Agbede smash! Zero experience, but did you really need me to tell you that?

Josh Jones, Green: "Corruption. Unaffordability. Waste. This has become normal. I will change it."

This city is afraid of me...I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll look down and whisper "No." Also, no experience.

Christopher Carlson, Green:
"Teach your children calculus,
And keep the planet safe,
Or feathered stones and empty bowls,
Will also be their fate."

"Safe" and "fate" don't rhyme, asshole.

Zoltan Istvan, Libertarian:

This guy looks like a Zoltan. Also, wasn't Zoltan the bad guy in the original Battlestar Galactica? I'm too lazy to look it up, so I'll just assume he is.



His official candidate picture has too much negative space on the left, so...no. His experience: "A shortlisted potential running mate of Presidential candidate Governor Gary Johnson." You just know that to this day, Gary Johnson answers his phone, hears silence broken by the occasional sound of hearing, followed by a *click.*

Peter Y. Liu, Republican:

Peter doesn't have a mission statement of any kind (seriously, there is literally not text at all for describing him or his positions), but he does have this kickass candidate pic:



If it was just his hat running for governor I think I could be persuaded to vote for it.

Gloria Estela La Riva, Peace and Freedom:

Zero experience, zero policy, all nag champa.

Robert Newman, Republican:

Pro: God, life, U.S. Constitution, Parental Rights, Property Rights," etc. Newman didn't submit a candidate pic. Nothing says, "I have my head in the game" than forgetting to submit a candidate pic. I have concluded that he is in life actually a brain in a vat of formaldehyde.

Delaine Eastin, Democratic:

Eastin has a small but respectable amount of experience as a State Superintendent of Public Instruction and has a long list of policy positions highlighting education, environmentalism, healthcare and numerous other progressivist positions. She seems good enough at first glance, though I wish she hadn't begun her candidate description with, "Delaine Eastin is the only woman elected State Superintendent of Public Instruction." This sounds too much like "Mine is the only vagina ever to be State Superintendent." Maybe that will fly with other people, but I find identity politics that are based in gender to be a major eye-roll for me.

Amanda, Renteria, Democratic:

Renteria has a small yet respectable amount of experience working as the Chief of Operations in the California DOJ. It's not elected-office experience, but it's better than nothing. She seems to have a more focused set of goals than Eastin, primarily focusing on justice-related issues.

I see the choice as coming down to Renteria vs. Eastin, but my wife and I both agree that we want Brown to run again. Thoughts?

Cardinal said:

Delaine Eastin, Democratic:

Eastin has a small but respectable amount of experience as a State Superintendent of Public Instruction and has a long list of policy positions highlighting education, environmentalism, healthcare and numerous other progressivist positions. She seems good enough at first glance, though I wish she hadn't begun her candidate description with, "Delaine Eastin is the only woman elected State Superintendent of Public Instruction." This sounds too much like "Mine is the only vagina ever to be State Superintendent." Maybe that will fly with other people, but I find identity politics that are based in gender to be a major eye-roll for me.

Amanda, Renteria, Democratic:

Renteria has a small yet respectable amount of experience working as the Chief of Operations in the California DOJ. It's not elected-office experience, but it's better than nothing. She seems to have a more focused set of goals than Eastin, primarily focusing on justice-related issues.

I see the choice as coming down to Renteria vs. Eastin, but my wife and I both agree that we want Brown to run again. Thoughts?

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Those are the only two candidates who have any chance of getting the official DNC stamp of Approval tattooed on their lower back. My guess is that it will be whichever one is the prettiest and in this case that would be Renteria.

What about Villaraigosa, Newsom, and Chiang? Aren't they the three most likely to win?

Anagram said:

What about Villaraigosa, Newsom, and Chiang? Aren't they the three most likely to win?

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You're right. They're listed but they don't have their own candidate descriptions. I don't know what to say about that, except that it's more than a little odd to exclude the three front runners from that section of the guide.