"Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

"Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

I found this interesting:

https://www.mamamia.com.au/why-married-men-cheat/

There were times during our marriage when my wife and I were not in sync. With 4 children to raise, we were both working hard, other extended family needs, sleep was at a premium. We were fortunate, those times were relatively rare. And as Paul Newman put it "Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home."

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

OldFatGuy said:

I found this interesting:

https://www.mamamia.com.au/why-married-men-cheat/

There were times during our marriage when my wife and I were not in sync. With 4 children to raise, we were both working hard, other extended family needs, sleep was at a premium. We were fortunate, those times were relatively rare. And as Paul Newman put it "Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home."

Click to expand...

Decent men and women have affairs all the time. It happens and usually both parties are to blame.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

very interesting essay ... not what I expected

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

“A man is as faithful as his options.”- Chris Rock

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

OldFatGuy said:

I found this interesting:

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As a man, I find this entirely nonsensical. This is just a failure to communicate. Find out what needs to be done to turn her on. Help her out so she's not so busy. Too many men(and some women) just think that because they're married they no longer have to put the effort in. Make time, have a date night, send the kids to sleep at a friends house.

Men don't need sex any more than women do. Your dick isn't going to fall off if you don't get it wet for a while. Rub one out if you have to, get yourself a good man cave, but don't act like this just something good men need to do. That's stupid.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Between kids, work, the nasty boss, the looming deadlines, the in-laws, and paying off the mortgage, it's very rare that both parties are in the mood to do it much at the same time. It really takes a supreme effort sometimes. Most people are just trying to survive that stage of life.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

MrWonka said:

As a man, I find this entirely nonsensical. This is just a failure to communicate. Find out what needs to be done to turn her on. Help her out so she's not so busy. Too many men(and some women) just think that because they're married they no longer have to put the effort in. Make time, have a date night, send the kids to sleep at a friends house.

Men don't need sex any more than women do. Your dick isn't going to fall off if you don't get it wet for a while. Rub one out if you have to, get yourself a good man cave, but don't act like this just something good men need to do. That's stupid.

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Agreed with this part, "decent men have affairs all the time" does not account for that lack of communication. Either person in the relationship getting to a point where they looked for sex elsewhere suggests the couple is not talking about the things that are important to them or worse being honest about them.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

OrphanSlug said:

Agreed with this part, "decent men have affairs all the time" does not account for that lack of communication. Either person in the relationship getting to a point where they looked for sex elsewhere suggests the couple is not talking about the things that are important to them or worse being honest about them.

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The author did say that some of the people she spoke with had tried for a year or ten years to figure out a solution. I hope that included actually communicating.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

I used to think adultery was something only horrible people did. I still think it is something I would never do, but I have seen too many men and women who are good, decent people stray. Sure, with proper communication and other coping mechanism there are always alternatives to adultery but humans are flawed and give in to emotions on occasion. You never really know what family dynamics are at play and unless you have all the information it is best not to judge.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

I'll agree that otherwise decent men have affairs all the time.

It doesn't justify anything. It's just a rationalization.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Amelia said:

The author did say that some of the people she spoke with had tried for a year or ten years to figure out a solution. I hope that included actually communicating.

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We hope, but if communication has failed we have other issues to contend with too.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Good article.

I see alot of comments re: 'communication.' How many times does your significant other tell you something and you dismiss it? Or dont place any real significance on it *until you hear it from others?* It's not rational and we had arguments over this very thing. "Why didnt you believe me when I told you?" "Why didnt you take it seriously when I said it?

I agree it's about communicating but it's also about listening and believing in the truth of the situation. And not all men or women are that articulate or can describe their feelings well.

So I think that an article like this is very helpful and should be shared.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Skeptic Bob said:

I used to think adultery was something only horrible people did. I still think it is something I would never do, but I have seen too many men and women who are good, decent people stray. Sure, with proper communication and other coping mechanism there are always alternatives to adultery but humans are flawed and give in to emotions on occasion. You never really know what family dynamics are at play and unless you have all the information it is best not to judge.

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You realize the adultery was most past down from religion. So how do non-religious people find a rationale for complaining or being offended by adultery?

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Heh

I got news for the author of that article.

This

"They loved their wives, they loved their children, but they couldn’t cope with the lack of intimacy, both emotional and sexual, that characterised their relationship. Sometimes they’d been trying for a year to get things right, sometimes for 10 years. They’d tried to tell their wife that they couldn’t handle the lack of sex, of affection, of connection; but often their wives had the same attitude as me: suck it up, sunshine – I’m busy."

is the most common line of bull**** spewed by men that have affairs. Now...dont get me wrong...its probably legit in SOME cases. But not most. In most...its a 'line'.

Here (in my experience) is the main reason why men have affairs. They do not and cannot connect with the concept of love. While women equate sex to love, men equate sex to conquest. Love is something women ARE while to men, love is something you DO.

Since our earliest ages we condition men to abandon connection to feelings and love. Where a little girl is raised to love and to nurture, a little boy is taugh shut up, stop crying, grow up, be a man. When mothers cry over loss and pain, fathers be tough...impervious...dont show pain...pain is weakness. When a young woman has her heart broken, her friends rally around her and nurture her. if a young man has his heart broken and goes and cries about it to his friends, they will attack him using the most effective forms of attack we have...they attack the wounded hearts manhood. They emasculate him....primarily because they themselves dont know how to deal with things like feelings and emotion. Finally...when we marry...women fall in love. Men fall in control. Feelings? What are you...insane? We dont discuss 'feelings'. We want love...but we dont know what it is. We marry...but dont know how to nurture and develop a loving relationship. And we drift apart emotionally...more because we dont know any better than out of intent. SO affairs? Well...they are just sex anyway.

There are always exceptions in both genders. But for the most part...THAT is why men have affairs. They never develop the deep sustaining life connecting, life affirming levels of love. It is also why women have affairs...because they are married to people that dont know how to express love, connection, feeling, and emotion. And so when they find someone that says "hey loved their wives, they loved their children, but they couldn’t cope with the lack of intimacy, both emotional and sexual, that characterised their relationship. Sometimes they’d been trying for a year to get things right, sometimes for 10 years. They’d tried to tell their wife that they couldn’t handle the lack of sex, of affection, of connection; but often their wives had the same attitude as me: suck it up, sunshine – I’m busy." well...they understand.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

OldFatGuy said:

I found this interesting:

https://www.mamamia.com.au/why-married-men-cheat/

There were times during our marriage when my wife and I were not in sync. With 4 children to raise, we were both working hard, other extended family needs, sleep was at a premium. We were fortunate, those times were relatively rare. And as Paul Newman put it "Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home."

Click to expand...

For a lot of men it is "Why would I pass up steak that is throwing herself at me when all I have had for years is a rare hamburger at home?". Women very often refuse to put much if any effort into being good in bed, they need to expect their men to look elsewhere rather than suffer because of them.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Bucky said:

Decent men and women have affairs all the time. It happens and usually both parties are to blame.

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I believe the essayist is pointing out both parties are blameless.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Amelia said:

very interesting essay ... not what I expected

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Same here. Which is why I posted it.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

MrWonka said:

As a man, I find this entirely nonsensical. This is just a failure to communicate. Find out what needs to be done to turn her on. Help her out so she's not so busy. Too many men(and some women) just think that because they're married they no longer have to put the effort in. Make time, have a date night, send the kids to sleep at a friends house.

Men don't need sex any more than women do. Your dick isn't going to fall off if you don't get it wet for a while. Rub one out if you have to, get yourself a good man cave, but don't act like this just something good men need to do. That's stupid.

Click to expand...

Of course. But you seem to have glossed over that it was she who decided to stray, not her husband, well at least she doesn't mention if her husband did or not.

I didn't post this to argue anything. Just be fair.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

American said:

You realize the adultery was most past down from religion. So how do non-religious people find a rationale for complaining or being offended by adultery?

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Non-religious people still make promises to each other. They can still be upset about broken promise.


Non-religious people still want the person they love and value to love and value them back.


Non-religious people still have egos and pride and want to believe they are enough for their spouse and can be hurt when their spouse says they want something other than them.




Furthermore, it can be argued that religion's rules about adultery were shaped by the jealousies of people. So "chicken or egg".

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

ataraxia said:

Between kids, work, the nasty boss, the looming deadlines, the in-laws, and paying off the mortgage, it's very rare that both parties are in the mood to do it much at the same time. It really takes a supreme effort sometimes. Most people are just trying to survive that stage of life.

Click to expand...

I recall a very late, late night shower together when:

a knocking on the door

"I got a peeee!"

"Use the other bathroom."

"I gotta use this one."

"Use the other one and go back to sleep."

"grumble, grumble something in a fading voice"

For a moment I wanted to kill that kid, the mood was ruined, but at least we were clean and laughing. We both needed the laughs.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

OldFatGuy said:

I found this interesting:

https://www.mamamia.com.au/why-married-men-cheat/

There were times during our marriage when my wife and I were not in sync. With 4 children to raise, we were both working hard, other extended family needs, sleep was at a premium. We were fortunate, those times were relatively rare. And as Paul Newman put it "Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home."

Click to expand...

unfortunately, that steak is in the freezer

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Hawkeye10 said:

For a lot of men it is "Why would I pass up steak that is throwing herself at me when all I have had for years is a rare hamburger at home?". Women very often refuse to put much if any effort into being good in bed, they need to expect their men to look elsewhere rather than suffer because of them.

Click to expand...

Sometimes, it is the male who is insufficient. Slam, bam, thank you ma'am. Maybe more often than not.

"He never satisfied me."

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

justabubba said:

unfortunately, that steak is in the freezer

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You are a wisea$$. :rofl

Excellent.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

OldFatGuy said:

Sometimes, it is the male who is insufficient. Slam, bam, thank you ma'am. Maybe more often than not.

"He never satisfied me."

Click to expand...

Sometimes the women want their men to take charge in the bedroom, but they are not capable.

These tend to be the same men who treat their wives like their mommies.

Women tend to tire of that.

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

OldFatGuy said:

Sometimes, it is the male who is insufficient. Slam, bam, thank you ma'am. Maybe more often than not.

"He never satisfied me."

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When we got undressed, she looked at me and said, “who are you gonna satisfy with that?” Not missing a beat, I replied, “me!”