A wife attempts to publicly shame her successful husband into minimum wage tasks

Babies and toddlers have a whole lot of needs. Dads have a vested interest in those needs being met. So why is meeting them considered “helping” their mother?

We’re going to have a hard time achieving gender equity at home if we continue to frame child care as a mother’s load, which fathers can lighten should they choose.

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nota bene said:

I'm wondering whether you read/listened to what you linked. Where does the "wage-nagging" come from? The "shaming for not doing domestic tasks"?

Where your hostility is coming from, I'm not sure, but I am absolutely certain that helping take care of your own children isn't "minimum-wage work."

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SDET said:

The above comes from watching what American women do to their husbands. Many expect their husbands to bring home a GOOD six-figure salary AND help with the housework.

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nota bene said:

I'm wondering whether you read/listened to what you linked. Where does the "wage-nagging" come from? The "shaming for not doing domestic tasks"?

Where your hostility is coming from, I'm not sure, but I am absolutely certain that helping take care of your own children isn't "minimum-wage work."

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SDET said:

The above comes from watching what American women do to their husbands. Many expect their husbands to bring home a GOOD six-figure salary AND help with the housework.

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• When your girl-/boyfriend arrives home each day and expects that you'd have "dinner and slippers" ready, that should tell you something.
• When your girl-/boyfriend lets dirty dishes and/or trash pile up and you are the one who has to deal with it, that should tell you something.

Xelor said:

Yes, the woman is in a messed-up situation/marriage and she needs to do something, but publicly shaming her husband isn't it. That reflects just as poorly on her as it does on him for it ensures we all now know: he's probably a jerk and she's definitely an idiot. How can our knowing those things be a good thing for either of them? By my reckoning, it's not.


Frankly, IMO, they belong together. Hell. Their being married likely has saved at least someone from having to put up with him or her. I mean, really. Knowing what you now know, would you wed either of them? As my kinfolks say, they're both so pathetic I wouldn't screw either of 'em with your "willy."

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Xelor said:

I don't much are to comment on other people's relationships and how they conduct them.

I will say that things like the apportionment of tasks strikes me as one of those things that each party to a couple should have figured out and decided s/he could "live with" before saying "I do."

• When your girl-/boyfriend arrives home each day and expects that you'd have "dinner and slippers" ready, that should tell you something.
• When your girl-/boyfriend lets dirty dishes and/or trash pile up and you are the one who has to deal with it, that should tell you something.

Those are but two examples, and the point is there are signs; there's "writing on the wall," as it were. It's one's obligation to one self, assuming one has any self-respect, to read and heed the "writing on the wall."

Though the situation differs, my thoughts about this matter are no different than the core thoughts I expressed just yesterday in a different thread. When "stuff's" staring one in the face, one is well advised not to disregard it. When one's better judgment says "this isn't a good idea," listen.

Yes, the woman is in a messed-up situation/marriage and she needs to do something, but publicly shaming her husband isn't it. That reflects just as poorly on her as it does on him for it ensures we all now know: he's probably a jerk and she's definitely an idiot. How can our knowing those things be a good thing for either of them? By my reckoning, it's not.


Frankly, IMO, they belong together. Hell. Their being married likely has saved at least someone from having to put up with him or her. I mean, really. Knowing what you now know, would you wed either of them? As my kinfolks say, they're both so pathetic I wouldn't screw either of 'em with your "willy."

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Ikari said:

Well I think that in the letter, she says that he's a great husband and father, but she just needed some help on some other tasks from time to time. In the video, it seems like they worked through it as well, so I don't know if anyone was a "jerk" per say. I do think that perhaps we're too quick to post things on the internet, and usually when that's done we're only getting one side of the story. And in this case, it was a "story" that was really nothing of the public's business. In this case, things seemed to work out, but I could see how even a good dad/husband who would most certainly work with his wife and communicate may be put on the defensive by their dirty laundry being shared all over the internet. There could be some backlash, perhaps some additional stress in his work place because everyone sees this stuff. So probably it was best to just talk, and she said in the video when they sat down and talked about it they both realized things the other was experiencing that they did not realize.

There's a lot of necessity for communication in a relationship, spreading personal family affairs all over the internet may not be the best way to solve it. Seems like it worked out here, so that's good. But if the communication did work, it would seem that it would likely have been best to have tried that first before turning to the internet.

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Ikari said:

Well I think that in the letter, she says that he's a great husband and father, but she just needed some help on some other tasks from time to time. In the video, it seems like they worked through it as well, so I don't know if anyone was a "jerk" per say. I do think that perhaps we're too quick to post things on the internet, and usually when that's done we're only getting one side of the story. And in this case, it was a "story" that was really nothing of the public's business. In this case, things seemed to work out, but I could see how even a good dad/husband who would most certainly work with his wife and communicate may be put on the defensive by their dirty laundry being shared all over the internet. There could be some backlash, perhaps some additional stress in his work place because everyone sees this stuff. So probably it was best to just talk, and she said in the video when they sat down and talked about it they both realized things the other was experiencing that they did not realize.

There's a lot of necessity for communication in a relationship, spreading personal family affairs all over the internet may not be the best way to solve it. Seems like it worked out here, so that's good. But if the communication did work, it would seem that it would likely have been best to have tried that first before turning to the internet.

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Ikari said:

Well I think that in the letter, she says that he's a great husband and father, but she just needed some help on some other tasks from time to time. In the video, it seems like they worked through it as well, so I don't know if anyone was a "jerk" per say. I do think that perhaps we're too quick to post things on the internet, and usually when that's done we're only getting one side of the story. And in this case, it was a "story" that was really nothing of the public's business.

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Ikari said:

In this case, things seemed to work out, but I could see how even a good dad/husband who would most certainly work with his wife and communicate may be put on the defensive by their dirty laundry being shared all over the internet. There could be some backlash, perhaps some additional stress in his work place because everyone sees this stuff. So probably it was best to just talk, and she said in the video when they sat down and talked about it they both realized things the other was experiencing that they did not realize.

There's a lot of necessity for communication in a relationship, spreading personal family affairs all over the internet may not be the best way to solve it. Seems like it worked out here, so that's good. But if the communication did work, it would seem that it would likely have been best to have tried that first before turning to the internet.

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Hawkeye10 said:

There are lots of women out there who have had no choice but to get used to their men being retired long before planned....usually for good reason.

My wife is one....plus I spent ten years as a stay at home dad....because that is what made sense, wife a workaholic, was a soldier, oft deployed.

Plus I was a feminist once upon a time, hanging out with dyke radicals (That's what they called themselves, dont be giving me ****).

I never got into the toxic masculinity that shamed all who do not bring home the bacon.

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Superfly said:

And? Why is it the woman's job to make sure everything is perfect for Ward Cleaver when he comes home from the office? Most women work outside the home, take care of the kids, cook, clean and do laundry. Why is it expected of her to do all this (and work) while the man comes home, props up his feet and turns on the game?

Why is it OK to distract her from her career? She has just as much right to build her career as he does, and should equally expect help from him when he gets home. Most women like myself would appreciate any help. My husband is old-school. His mother never worked outside the home, so he expects me to do everything, while he does nothing. Every now and then he surprises me, and does the dishes, or washes a load of clothes, but for the most part, he does nothing unless I get frustrated and ask him to, and by that point, it usually turns into an argument.

Marriage is a partnership - in all ways. You partner to raise the kids, you partner financially on the bills, and the you should partner to help each other with everything else as well.

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Ikari said:

Well I think that in the letter, she says that he's a great husband and father, but she just needed some help on some other tasks from time to time. In the video, it seems like they worked through it as well, so I don't know if anyone was a "jerk" per say. I do think that perhaps we're too quick to post things on the internet, and usually when that's done we're only getting one side of the story. And in this case, it was a "story" that was really nothing of the public's business. In this case, things seemed to work out, but I could see how even a good dad/husband who would most certainly work with his wife and communicate may be put on the defensive by their dirty laundry being shared all over the internet. There could be some backlash, perhaps some additional stress in his work place because everyone sees this stuff. So probably it was best to just talk, and she said in the video when they sat down and talked about it they both realized things the other was experiencing that they did not realize.

There's a lot of necessity for communication in a relationship, spreading personal family affairs all over the internet may not be the best way to solve it. Seems like it worked out here, so that's good. But if the communication did work, it would seem that it would likely have been best to have tried that first before turning to the internet.

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SDET said:

Your premise falls apart when women "marry up". A woman looks for a man who earns more than she does, which according to the market means that he is working harder and/or smarter. Then she wants every thing to be equal. There's a word for that: predatory. And yes wage nagging is a thing.

Obviously, hiring outside help is not an option for two reasons: 1) In many cases the wife's career doesn't bring in enough money to hire outside help. 2) She might have to drive a used car instead of a luxury car and that just won't do.

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SDET said:

My one problem with mom's viral letter begging her husband for more help - Chicago Tribune

What if those fathers choose not to? If Mizz Erlach wants help, I suggest that she visit Care dot com and find someone. Distracting a breadwinner from building a career is just plain stupid. Remember that women generally don't marry down. How many female attorneys or physicians do you see married to plumbers, auto mechanics or roofers? It borders on abuse to "wage nag" a husband to do put in whatever effort is needed to advance in his career, then publicly shame him for not doing domestic tasks.

When women start being willing to "marry down", then maybe discussing "gender equality" at home can be a reasonable discussion.




How much do you want do bet that her husband will divorce her right after the kids turn 18?

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SDET said:

Your premise falls apart when women "marry up". A woman looks for a man who earns more than she does, which according to the market means that he is working harder and/or smarter. Then she wants every thing to be equal. There's a word for that: predatory. And yes wage nagging is a thing.

Obviously, hiring outside help is not an option for two reasons: 1) In many cases the wife's career doesn't bring in enough money to hire outside help. 2) She might have to drive a used car instead of a luxury car and that just won't do.

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nota bene said:

As I recall, she did have the talk with her hubs before putting the "open letter" on the 'Net, and she says in the video that their conversation was fruitful and eye-opening for both of them.

You can and should talk about the important issues before marrying and come to an understanding. But here's the thing: What has worked for just the two of you is pretty likely not to work when you have a helpless third who needs attention 24/7.

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Superfly said:

Yeah, what SDET doesn't understand is that people change. When my husband and I got together, he had his own place, and I had mine. We both had laundry, houses to clean, kids to raise, etc. When we got together, we combined the household chores. He never had issue with doing anything at all. Then he got sick and had to have surgery. While he was recuperating, of course I did everything. Once he got better, he realized how cool it was that I was doing everything, so he just let me continue. I usually don't have a problem doing it, because I just like the way I clean better. But when I'm busy, with lots of things going on, and I come home to no clean towels or a sink full of dishes, I get pissed.

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Superfly said:

Yeah, what SDET doesn't understand is that people change. When my husband and I got together, he had his own place, and I had mine. We both had laundry, houses to clean, kids to raise, etc. When we got together, we combined the household chores. He never had issue with doing anything at all. Then he got sick and had to have surgery. While he was recuperating, of course I did everything. Once he got better, he realized how cool it was that I was doing everything, so he just let me continue. I usually don't have a problem doing it, because I just like the way I clean better. But when I'm busy, with lots of things going on, and I come home to no clean towels or a sink full of dishes, I get pissed.

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SDET said:

The above comes from watching what American women do to their husbands. Many expect their husbands to bring home a GOOD six-figure salary AND help with the housework.

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