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Would you STOP being friends with someone if they revealed

americanwoman said:
This. I would be hurt that they didn't feel like they could share something like that with me, especially if I revealed intimate things about my life.
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Well, maybe they just weren't ready to come out yet, until that point. Coming out of the closet is not easy (at least for most people).

It took me a few years to come out to my friends and family.
 
My response, "OK you felt the need to tell me this why? On second thought I don't care." If we are friends its for good reason. I am very selective of my friends, I can count on one hand the number of friends I have.
 
HowardBThiname said:
It might damage our friendship on some level. Not because I care if anyone is gay or transgender, but if we've been "pretty good friends" for "at least 5 years," I might feel as though he/she didn't think enough of me to tell me before this. I would hope my good friends know me well enough to share things like that, so I might feel a bit left out of the loop. Also, if my friend had been deceptive up to this point, it might damage a bit of my trust in our relationship.

Now, if we're just getting to be friends and he/she tells me -- it would make no difference at all. Or if he/she said that he/she just found out for themselves, then it'd be fine. I just don't like thinking someone purposefully lied to me for years.
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americanwoman said:
This. I would be hurt that they didn't feel like they could share something like that with me, especially if I revealed intimate things about my life.
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I hear what you're sayin'. I've had a pang of that feeling about a different situation with a friend of mine.

But there are a lot of reasons that don't have anything to do with you personally why people keep stuff like that. Including just not knowing. Seriously. Not everyone is done questioning at 15, or 20, or even 30. Sometimes there's a lot of internalized homophobia or trauma to work through before they can get any clear sense of attraction. Some gay people even spend years thinking they're just a bit asexual before coming to terms with it. Some gay people don't mind sex with the opposite sex, but don't ever get the butterflies, and spend years not understanding why that is. For some people, a lifetime of compulsory heterosexuality makes it difficult to develop an independent identity. I've know quite a few people like that.

As I mentioned in my own post, sometimes trans people do that because every time they've told anyone, they got run out of town. After a certain number of serious, life-jeopardizing betrayals, it stops mattering how nice an individual person is. There's still a gut reaction to not tell, because they've been wrong to trust so many times before.

And that's a goddamn shame. But it's not anything against you personally.
 
americanwoman said:
This. I would be hurt that they didn't feel like they could share something like that with me, especially if I revealed intimate things about my life.
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We all have secrets, even from our spouses. Sometimes they step out of the closet.
 
TheGoverness said:
Well, maybe they just weren't ready to come out yet, until that point. Coming out of the closet is not easy (at least for most people).

It took me a few years to come out to my friends and family.
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You're still quite young though, I could understand more if I was your age but I am older and most of my friends are around my age. If it's someone I am very close to and per the OP we've been close friends over 5 years, I'd definitely question why they felt they couldn't open up to me more and would feel a little hurt that they didn't.

To add, no way would I stop being friends with this person but I just don't think I couldn't help feeling like they feel like they don't trust me or something to open up with me.
 
MaggieD said:
No. If it was a guy, I would have no thoughts about it at all. If it was a gal I would have no thoughts at all about it. Only if a gal friend expressed a sexual interest in me. If a guy did the same thing, my reaction would be different. We’d have very meaningful conversations about, “Just how gay are you?” But if he began to give me creepy-crawlies, I’d distance myself from him as well.
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i could be wrong but im guessing he meant what if straight guy was attracted to yo but you weren't would you then begin to distance yourself.
He can correct me if i am wrong.
 
Dragonfly said:
Slightly different take on the "would you be friends with a transgender" thread.

Suppose one of your friends, somebody you'd been pretty good friends with for at least 5 years or more, "came out" to you.

Maybe they came out as gay, and you had no idea they were gay.
Maybe they came out as transgender, and you had had no idea because their transition happened before you knew them at all.

Whatever it is, it's something that takes you completely by surprise.
Up until they told you, you were just assuming something else was the case.

Again, this is a person you've know for years, and been good friends with for quite some time.

Also, this is purely a gender/sexual identity/sexual attraction question.
This is not having a friend tell you they've raped multiple women/children/animals kinda thing.


Five minutes before they say: " ___________." , you've been good friends with them for years.

"You may not know this about me, but I'm gay." Would you end the friendship?
"You may not know this about me, but 15 years ago I transitioned from ______ to __________. My birth name was ______." Would you end the friendship?
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no it wouldnt matter at all :shrug:
and unfortunately their burden in todays society to choose how they deal with it. Hopefully once they made their reveal and they saw i didnt care i could help and be a crutch for them IF needed
 
MaggieD said:
Wouldn’t make a hill of beans difference to me unless the gay person expressed a sexual interest in me. I would then distance myself. It wouldn’t be because they were gay. It would be because I would not be interested in reciprocating the feelings.
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That happened to me. One of my best friends came out to me as gay in high school (way back in the 70s) and let me know he was interested in me. I wasn't interested in that, and it did strain our friendship, but we remained friendly through high school. We started hanging out in different circles and lost touch after graduation, though that was mainly because my family moved out of state.

Several years later I was on our high school's website and saw an email address listed for him, so I reached out to him. His partner, whom he'd met in high school responded and told me Jeff had died a few months earlier from bone cancer. I missed the opportunity to reconnect with my friend, but I did find out he'd lived a very happy life with many friends, and enjoyed some success in the local theater scene. After his death, his friends threw a huge party/memorial for him to celebrate his life and contributions. I wish I could have been there.
 
HowardBThiname said:
It might damage our friendship on some level. Not because I care if anyone is gay or transgender, but if we've been "pretty good friends" for "at least 5 years," I might feel as though he/she didn't think enough of me to tell me before this. I would hope my good friends know me well enough to share things like that, so I might feel a bit left out of the loop. Also, if my friend had been deceptive up to this point, it might damage a bit of my trust in our relationship.

Now, if we're just getting to be friends and he/she tells me -- it would make no difference at all. Or if he/she said that he/she just found out for themselves, then it'd be fine. I just don't like thinking someone purposefully lied to me for years.
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that seems kind of selfish and overly sensitive to me.

I mean i guess i could stretch the imagination really hard and maybe come up with some scenario that i might judge as deceptive and deceitful with bad intentions

but in general. this person keeping their business to themselves in todays world is 100% perfectly legit and the fears that they have to live though are justifiable based on society.It would be totally logical for them to not tell anybody before THEY were ready and i could never switch it around and make the matter about myself.
 
SmokeAndMirrors said:
I hear what you're sayin'. I've had a pang of that feeling about a different situation with a friend of mine.

But there are a lot of reasons that don't have anything to do with you personally why people keep stuff like that. Including just not knowing. Seriously. Not everyone is done questioning at 15, or 20, or even 30. Sometimes there's a lot of internalized homophobia or trauma to work through before they can get any clear sense of attraction. Some gay people even spend years thinking they're just a bit asexual before coming to terms with it. Some gay people don't mind sex with the opposite sex, but don't ever get the butterflies, and spend years not understanding why that is. For some people, a lifetime of compulsory heterosexuality makes it difficult to develop an independent identity. I've know quite a few people like that.

As I mentioned in my own post, sometimes trans people do that because every time they've told anyone, they got run out of town. After a certain number of serious, life-jeopardizing betrayals, it stops mattering how nice an individual person is. There's still a gut reaction to not tell, because they've been wrong to trust so many times before.

And that's a goddamn shame. But it's not anything against you personally.
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agreed 100% and i could never make it to be.
 
Moon said:
That happened to me. One of my best friends came out to me as gay in high school (way back in the 70s) and let me know he was interested in me. I wasn't interested in that, and it did strain our friendship, but we remained friendly through high school. We started hanging out in different circles and lost touch after graduation, though that was mainly because my family moved out of state.

Several years later I was on our high school's website and saw an email address listed for him, so I reached out to him. His partner, whom he'd met in high school responded and told me Jeff had died a few months earlier from bone cancer. I missed the opportunity to reconnect with my friend, but I did find out he'd lived a very happy life with many friends, and enjoyed some success in the local theater scene. After his death, his friends threw a huge party/memorial for him to celebrate his life and contributions. I wish I could have been there.
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That’s a sad,story. I’m glad, at least, you found he had lived a very happy life. Many don’t.
 
americanwoman said:
True but would you not feel hurt if your wife suddenly told you her secret was that she was born a man?
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Hurt no, betrayed yes, because that is what that is betrayal in many ways an ultimate betrayal, and thus worthy of rage and wrath and reprisal. That is a secret you don't keep between spouses. There are secrets between spouses but those secrets should not be foundational breaking secrets kept for good reason. That is not the friend situation because a friend is different in many respects than a marriage one of the aspects is you are not locked into the relationship and therefor in many respects there are less expectations. Marriage is essentially at its heart a partnership, and therefor requires more disclosure than normal. A secret of a friend will most likely have FAR less impact on your life than same said secret with a spouse.
 
americanwoman said:
You're still quite young though, I could understand more if I was your age but I am older and most of my friends are around my age. If it's someone I am very close to and per the OP we've been close friends over 5 years, I'd definitely question why they felt they couldn't open up to me more and would feel a little hurt that they didn't.

To add, no way would I stop being friends with this person but I just don't think I couldn't help feeling like they feel like they don't trust me or something to open up with me.
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Well, maybe it's not you. Maybe it's because they haven't come to terms with who they were until just then. It does take a while to get out of that phase of denial and confusion.
 
TheGoverness said:
Well, maybe it's not you. Maybe it's because they haven't come to terms with who they were until just then. It does take a while to get out of that phase of denial and confusion.
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Fair enough, I can't say I can fully understand where some people are coming from and the reasons why they might not open up about it.
 
americanwoman said:
Fair enough, I can't say I can fully understand where some people are coming from and the reasons why they might not open up about it.
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Well, hey, it's not your fault. It can be difficult trying to understand another person's perspective. Happens to everyone.
 
I tend to pick friends with good morals, so I find it unlikely that I would ever be in a situation where a person I had been friends with for so long came out to me as gay. Of course, if my friend was gay but non-practicing, I don't think it would matter. However, if I did have a friend who came out to me as gay I would distance myself from that person. The same goes for transgenders, although you can normally spot those from from a distance.
 
graeme104 said:
I tend to pick friends with good morals, so I find it unlikely that I would ever be in a situation where a person I had been friends with for so long came out to me as gay.
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Being gay does not mean that you don't have "good morals". That's ridiculous.


Of course, if my friend was gay but non-practicing, I don't think it would matter.
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"Non-practicing"? It's not a religion.


However, if I did have a friend who came out to me as gay I would distance myself from that person. The same goes for transgenders, although you can normally spot those from from a distance.
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Why? Too icky for you?
 
celticwar17 said:
I'm not sure why it would make a difference... I think most people know someone who is gay. I grew up with a gay nephew almost my whole life(he's 5 years younger than me). Wouldn't make a difference.

Only people that would care are probably ACTUAL homophobes, which are getting rarer and rarer by the day...
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I found that even in Texas, at least among the younger generation, it doesn't matter as much. It's more among the older folks that the prejudice remains.
 
TheGoverness said:
Well, hey, it's not your fault. It can be difficult trying to understand another person's perspective. Happens to everyone.
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It is difficult to imagine how someone has to define their sexuality to people around them. I guess sometimes I might take it for granted the fact that I don't have to do that.
 
TheGoverness said:
Being gay does not mean that you don't have "good morals". That's ridiculous.




"Non-practicing"? It's not a religion.




Why? Too icky for you?
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As a christian, I consider homosexuality to be immoral.

People who are gay are born that way. Nobody chooses to be gay. By "non-practicing" I thought it would be clear that I meant those who were born gay but did not give in to the temptations.

No, because people who are transgender normally have something deeply wrong with them. And acting on gay temptations is also immoral and someone who does so clearly has no regard for morals or decency. Would you stay with a friend who told you he or she slept around with several women/men? Would you stay with a friend who told you he/she was a thief?
 
TheGoverness said:
I'm not nineteen just yet, but in about 6 days I will be. :)
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Ah, 19. I wish I remembered back then, but it was so long ago, I almost forgot.
 
thegoverness said:
being gay does not mean that you don't have "good morals". That's ridiculous.




"non-practicing"? It's not a religion.




Why? Too icky for you?
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dftt ;)
 
To the op, wouldn't matter.
 
graeme104 said:
As a christian, I consider homosexuality to be immoral.

People who are gay are born that way. Nobody chooses to be gay. By "non-practicing" I thought it would be clear that I meant those who were born gay but did not give in to the temptations.
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Ugh. You sound like my mother.

No, because people who are transgender normally have something deeply wrong with them. And acting on gay temptations is also immoral and someone who does so clearly has no regard for morals or decency. Would you stay with a friend who told you he or she slept around with several women/men? Would you stay with a friend who told you he/she was a thief?
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Stupid Christian sophistry aside, is not "immoral" to be gay. It is not "immoral" to be open about our sexualites. Same goes for trans people, or bisexual people, etc.

I am gay and morals are not askew. I try my best to be a decent human being. I don't "shove" my sexuality on others. For the most part, I keep my sexuality to myself. I'm not as comfortable with expressing it as much as others do.

A gay person is not being "indecent" by being gay. It's not comparable to a thief, or even being promiscuous (which isn't even necessarily a bad thing). It has no affect on you whatsoever, unless you make it that way. And it's certainly not something I'd ever ruin a friendship over.

None of my friends that I've come out to are uncomfortable about my gayness. They are just fine with the way I am. I think the real problem here, is people that have your kind of mindset. It's not us.
 
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