• This is a political forum that is non-biased/non-partisan and treats every person's position on topics equally. This debate forum is not aligned to any political party. In today's politics, many ideas are split between and even within all the political parties. Often we find ourselves agreeing on one platform but some topics break our mold. We are here to discuss them in a civil political debate. If this is your first visit to our political forums, be sure to check out the RULES. Registering for debate politics is necessary before posting. Register today to participate - it's free!

Spending the Night with Person of Opposite Sex: how far is too far?

blackjack50

blackjack50

Banned
DP Veteran
Joined
Sep 14, 2011
Messages
26,629
Reaction score
6,661
Location
Florida
Gender
Undisclosed
Political Leaning
Conservative
So I have this friend. For lack of a better word...he is lonely. He works hard. He plays hard. He has been busting his ass the past few years advancing his career. Well about a year or so ago he started dating around. Looking for a relationship actively. So he has the WORST luck of any human I have met. Which brings me to last night.

He met this girl at the dog park. She was real nice. Me and my girlfriend both liked her. But. The last my girlfriend had heard, and my friend, this woman had a boyfriend. Well last night she invited him out to walk their dogs together. Now. They don't live real close, but it is like biking distance. Nothing big. I thought it was weird. They aren't that close. If it were my girlfriend and him...it would be one thing. I know him. He knows me. We are friends. We hang out. And there is that implicit trust amongst friends. Right? Well. He does NOT know the boyfriend.

So they finish their walk, and she invited him to go out for drinks. No mention of a boyfriend. There isn't even pictures of him on her Facebook, no mention of relationship status, and no other signs. Right? Well. They go out and get a little bit tipsy and she passes out at his place. After mentioning her boyfriend. She got a call from him as well apparently. Male voice, didn't leave the room, had a normal phone conversation ended with I love you.

So he texted me at about 5am to relate all this. So I'm left wondering? Is this a normal game for young women under 30? At any rate it is stupid. Would you feel comfortable if your partner spent the night with someone with the opposite sex after drinking? How far is too far? And like he was telling me...he is running screaming because even if she is dumping her boyfriend...that kind of move would show no integrity if that is the case.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
blackjack50 said:
So I have this friend. For lack of a better word...he is lonely. He works hard. He plays hard. He has been busting his ass the past few years advancing his career. Well about a year or so ago he started dating around. Looking for a relationship actively. So he has the WORST luck of any human I have met. Which brings me to last night.

He met this girl at the dog park. She was real nice. Me and my girlfriend both liked her. But. The last my girlfriend had heard, and my friend, this woman had a boyfriend. Well last night she invited him out to walk their dogs together. Now. They don't live real close, but it is like biking distance. Nothing big. I thought it was weird. They aren't that close. If it were my girlfriend and him...it would be one thing. I know him. He knows me. We are friends. We hang out. And there is that implicit trust amongst friends. Right? Well. He does NOT know the boyfriend.

So they finish their walk, and she invited him to go out for drinks. No mention of a boyfriend. There isn't even pictures of him on her Facebook, no mention of relationship status, and no other signs. Right? Well. They go out and get a little bit tipsy and she passes out at his place. After mentioning her boyfriend. She got a call from him as well apparently. Male voice, didn't leave the room, had a normal phone conversation ended with I love you.

So he texted me at about 5am to relate all this. So I'm left wondering? Is this a normal game for young women under 30? At any rate it is stupid. Would you feel comfortable if your partner spent the night with someone with the opposite sex after drinking? How far is too far? And like he was telling me...he is running screaming because even if she is dumping her boyfriend...that kind of move would show no integrity if that is the case.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

As a poly person, I would say your friend is making the right move. Open relationships and polys are fine, but they have to be based upon openness and honesty. Now if I want to paint this girl in the best light, she simply didn't make it clear to your friend about how her open relationship worked. She may have thought she was saying something, but he never caught it. Sadly, it is more likely that she simply never said anything. This lack of honesty is not poly. As to your other questions:

Would you feel comfortable if your partner spent the night with someone with the opposite sex after drinking?
Click to expand...

After drinking, no. Judgement is impaired. Now by drinking I don't mean a glass or two of wine with dinner. Sans being drunk, however, I am alright with any of my spouses spending the night with someone.

How far is too far?
Click to expand...

This is way too subjective for there to be any one answer. Different people have different limits.
 
blackjack50 said:
So I have this friend. For lack of a better word...he is lonely. He works hard. He plays hard. He has been busting his ass the past few years advancing his career. Well about a year or so ago he started dating around. Looking for a relationship actively. So he has the WORST luck of any human I have met. Which brings me to last night.

He met this girl at the dog park. She was real nice. Me and my girlfriend both liked her. But. The last my girlfriend had heard, and my friend, this woman had a boyfriend. Well last night she invited him out to walk their dogs together. Now. They don't live real close, but it is like biking distance. Nothing big. I thought it was weird. They aren't that close. If it were my girlfriend and him...it would be one thing. I know him. He knows me. We are friends. We hang out. And there is that implicit trust amongst friends. Right? Well. He does NOT know the boyfriend.

So they finish their walk, and she invited him to go out for drinks. No mention of a boyfriend. There isn't even pictures of him on her Facebook, no mention of relationship status, and no other signs. Right? Well. They go out and get a little bit tipsy and she passes out at his place. After mentioning her boyfriend. She got a call from him as well apparently. Male voice, didn't leave the room, had a normal phone conversation ended with I love you.

So he texted me at about 5am to relate all this. So I'm left wondering? Is this a normal game for young women under 30? At any rate it is stupid. Would you feel comfortable if your partner spent the night with someone with the opposite sex after drinking? How far is too far? And like he was telling me...he is running screaming because even if she is dumping her boyfriend...that kind of move would show no integrity if that is the case.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

I wouldn't feel okay with that.
 
She's using both guys one way or the other and it's foolish to get involved with cheaters. It just exceedingly unlikely to end well for your friend. Either her bf finds out and seeks revenge, she cheats on him too in no time, or even she screams rape. Never a good idea for a girl you just met to end up passed out at your place
 
blackjack50 said:
So I have this friend. For lack of a better word...he is lonely. He works hard. He plays hard. He has been busting his ass the past few years advancing his career. Well about a year or so ago he started dating around. Looking for a relationship actively. So he has the WORST luck of any human I have met. Which brings me to last night.

He met this girl at the dog park. She was real nice. Me and my girlfriend both liked her. But. The last my girlfriend had heard, and my friend, this woman had a boyfriend. Well last night she invited him out to walk their dogs together. Now. They don't live real close, but it is like biking distance. Nothing big. I thought it was weird. They aren't that close. If it were my girlfriend and him...it would be one thing. I know him. He knows me. We are friends. We hang out. And there is that implicit trust amongst friends. Right? Well. He does NOT know the boyfriend.

So they finish their walk, and she invited him to go out for drinks. No mention of a boyfriend. There isn't even pictures of him on her Facebook, no mention of relationship status, and no other signs. Right? Well. They go out and get a little bit tipsy and she passes out at his place. After mentioning her boyfriend. She got a call from him as well apparently. Male voice, didn't leave the room, had a normal phone conversation ended with I love you.

So he texted me at about 5am to relate all this. So I'm left wondering? Is this a normal game for young women under 30? At any rate it is stupid. Would you feel comfortable if your partner spent the night with someone with the opposite sex after drinking? How far is too far? And like he was telling me...he is running screaming because even if she is dumping her boyfriend...that kind of move would show no integrity if that is the case.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...



IMO your analysis is spot on. Just no. In brief avoid.
 
blackjack50 said:
So I have this friend. For lack of a better word...he is lonely. He works hard. He plays hard. He has been busting his ass the past few years advancing his career. Well about a year or so ago he started dating around. Looking for a relationship actively. So he has the WORST luck of any human I have met. Which brings me to last night.

He met this girl at the dog park. She was real nice. Me and my girlfriend both liked her. But. The last my girlfriend had heard, and my friend, this woman had a boyfriend. Well last night she invited him out to walk their dogs together. Now. They don't live real close, but it is like biking distance. Nothing big. I thought it was weird. They aren't that close. If it were my girlfriend and him...it would be one thing. I know him. He knows me. We are friends. We hang out. And there is that implicit trust amongst friends. Right? Well. He does NOT know the boyfriend.

So they finish their walk, and she invited him to go out for drinks. No mention of a boyfriend. There isn't even pictures of him on her Facebook, no mention of relationship status, and no other signs. Right? Well. They go out and get a little bit tipsy and she passes out at his place. After mentioning her boyfriend. She got a call from him as well apparently. Male voice, didn't leave the room, had a normal phone conversation ended with I love you.

So he texted me at about 5am to relate all this. So I'm left wondering? Is this a normal game for young women under 30? At any rate it is stupid. Would you feel comfortable if your partner spent the night with someone with the opposite sex after drinking? How far is too far? And like he was telling me...he is running screaming because even if she is dumping her boyfriend...that kind of move would show no integrity if that is the case.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

Sounds like a Spanish language novella.

If it makes him feel good, he should continue. However, he needs to be aware of the Human Resource staffing considerations in this.

When a person is in a relationship, has a back up, and dumps the primary for the secondary, she has created an opening in her staffing chart.

He needs to accept that his reporting line may be more direct when she changes the relationship definitions, but also that another dotted line will soon appear as an incoming trainee specialist.
 
blackjack50 said:
So I have this friend. For lack of a better word...he is lonely. He works hard. He plays hard. He has been busting his ass the past few years advancing his career. Well about a year or so ago he started dating around. Looking for a relationship actively. So he has the WORST luck of any human I have met. Which brings me to last night.

He met this girl at the dog park. She was real nice. Me and my girlfriend both liked her. But. The last my girlfriend had heard, and my friend, this woman had a boyfriend. Well last night she invited him out to walk their dogs together. Now. They don't live real close, but it is like biking distance. Nothing big. I thought it was weird. They aren't that close. If it were my girlfriend and him...it would be one thing. I know him. He knows me. We are friends. We hang out. And there is that implicit trust amongst friends. Right? Well. He does NOT know the boyfriend.

So they finish their walk, and she invited him to go out for drinks. No mention of a boyfriend. There isn't even pictures of him on her Facebook, no mention of relationship status, and no other signs. Right? Well. They go out and get a little bit tipsy and she passes out at his place. After mentioning her boyfriend. She got a call from him as well apparently. Male voice, didn't leave the room, had a normal phone conversation ended with I love you.

So he texted me at about 5am to relate all this. So I'm left wondering? Is this a normal game for young women under 30? At any rate it is stupid. Would you feel comfortable if your partner spent the night with someone with the opposite sex after drinking? How far is too far? And like he was telling me...he is running screaming because even if she is dumping her boyfriend...that kind of move would show no integrity if that is the case.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

No. I'm 27, I've moved around a lot and been in many crowds, and that is clear flirting behavior. Like you said, this might be ok with an established friend who's reasonably close and she's already been forthcoming with the boyfriend thing. But a new girl, who didn't mention him at all? Nah. That's game-playing. "Relatively new girl who lives too far for a quick walk getting drunk with you and inviting herself to your place" still means the same damn thing it's always meant.

Running is definitely the right idea here, if what he wants is a (sane) relationship. At best, she's inconsiderate of other's feelings, and at worst she's a player. Neither is good.

As far as my comfort level? Well, I'm poly, so things are a bit different, but this would STILL bother me even so. Obviously I don't have a problem with my partner seeing other people, but not saying anything to either them nor me would feel kind of disrespectful. A vital part of relationships, poly or not, is being honest about the situation and allowing other people to make an informed decision about whether they consent to that situation. I wouldn't be happy.

By the odds, it's unlikely she's poly, so that just makes it that much worse. If it would piss me off, it would REALLY piss off a monogamist.

Male, female, poly, mono, leftie, rightie, young, older, straight, gay, and stuff in between, it seems that for once on DP, we all agree: this girl's full of nonsense.
 
Lol, this is the first I've heard of this euphemism "poly". Is this another term designed to make one feel better about one's promiscuous behavior? That's what it sounds like to me. :shrug:
 
countryboy said:
Lol, this is the first I've heard of this euphemism "poly". Is this another term designed to make one feel better about one's promiscuous behavior? That's what it sounds like to me. :shrug:
Click to expand...

*sigh* Well, it's been around for decades. Where ya been?

No. Amongst those of us who have better things to do than worry about what pearl-clutchers think of how we live, we have no problems just calling a slut a slut, including ourselves if it fits the bill.

Polyamory is a relationship style, not a disgnation of how many people you ****. I've known poly people who don't even have sex, for one reason or another. Some poly people are single, or only have one partner, for one reason or another. Dating more people is an option, not an obligation.

If they just wanna **** people, they just **** people and call it exactly that. No need for pretence amongst those of us with better things to do than worry about what pearl-clutchers think about how we live.

Now, can we get back to the OP?
 
SmokeAndMirrors said:
*sigh* Well, it's been around for decades. Where ya been?

No. Amongst those of us who have better things to do than worry about what pearl-clutchers think of how we live, we have no problems just calling a slut a slut, including ourselves if it fits the bill.

Polyamory is a relationship style, not a disgnation of how many people you ****. I've known poly people who don't even have sex, for one reason or another. Some poly people are single, or only have one partner, for one reason or another. Dating more people is an option, not an obligation.

If they just wanna **** people, they just **** people and call it exactly that. No need for pretence amongst those of us with better things to do than worry about what pearl-clutchers think about how we live.

Now, can we get back to the OP?
Click to expand...

Whatever justification you need. :shrug: Doesn't change the reality of what it is. ;)
 
blackjack50 said:
So I have this friend. For lack of a better word...he is lonely. He works hard. He plays hard. He has been busting his ass the past few years advancing his career. Well about a year or so ago he started dating around. Looking for a relationship actively. So he has the WORST luck of any human I have met. Which brings me to last night.

He met this girl at the dog park. She was real nice. Me and my girlfriend both liked her. But. The last my girlfriend had heard, and my friend, this woman had a boyfriend. Well last night she invited him out to walk their dogs together. Now. They don't live real close, but it is like biking distance. Nothing big. I thought it was weird. They aren't that close. If it were my girlfriend and him...it would be one thing. I know him. He knows me. We are friends. We hang out. And there is that implicit trust amongst friends. Right? Well. He does NOT know the boyfriend.

So they finish their walk, and she invited him to go out for drinks. No mention of a boyfriend. There isn't even pictures of him on her Facebook, no mention of relationship status, and no other signs. Right? Well. They go out and get a little bit tipsy and she passes out at his place. After mentioning her boyfriend. She got a call from him as well apparently. Male voice, didn't leave the room, had a normal phone conversation ended with I love you.

So he texted me at about 5am to relate all this. So I'm left wondering? Is this a normal game for young women under 30? At any rate it is stupid. Would you feel comfortable if your partner spent the night with someone with the opposite sex after drinking? How far is too far? And like he was telling me...he is running screaming because even if she is dumping her boyfriend...that kind of move would show no integrity if that is the case.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

Probably normal for twenty-somethings in today's world. My guess is the boyfriend is far more serious about the girl than she is about him. Not uncommon.

If I was your buddy, I'd probably avoid this chick. But, knowing guys, he probably won't....and, I might not have either, especially if she is hot.
 
countryboy said:
Whatever justification you need. :shrug: Doesn't change the reality of what it is. ;)
Click to expand...

I'll go tell my asexual friends that some rando on the internet says they're sleeping around. I'm sure they'll be fascinated. :roll:

You know, you could try maybe doing something in your own life that would interest you and you might spend less time obsessing over everyone else's.
 
Last edited:
SmokeAndMirrors said:
I'll go tell my asexual friends that some rando on the internet says they're sleeping around. I'm sure they'll be fascinated. :roll:

You know, you could try maybe doing something in your own life that would interest you and you might spend less time obsessing over everyone else's.
Click to expand...

Making a simple observation, is not synonymous with "obsession". ;)

Sorry, I just find it interesting, the lengths to which libs will go to rationalize what is clearly amoral behavior, by any standard.
 
countryboy said:
Making a simple observation, is not synonymous with "obsession". ;)

Sorry, I just find it interesting, the lengths to which libs will go to rationalize what is clearly amoral behavior, by any standard.
Click to expand...

Well, yeah, it is. You're so obsessed with who other people might be ****ing that you're inserting sex even in places it doesn't exist. Really, the pearl-clutchers are the most sex-obsessed people I've ever met in my life. It's kind of creepy.
 
SmokeAndMirrors said:
Well, yeah, it is. You're so obsessed with who other people might be ****ing that you're inserting sex even in places it doesn't exist. Really, the pearl-clutchers are the most sex-obsessed people I've ever met in my life. It's kind of creepy.
Click to expand...

I have no idea what a "pearl clutcher" is, but I suspect it's some sort of pejorative for, "not a left wing whack job". Again, no amount of ad hominem, or, deflection, or cutsie made up terms, will make the idea of "poly", somehow moral behavior. Get over it.
 
countryboy said:
Whatever justification you need. :shrug: Doesn't change the reality of what it is. ;)
Click to expand...

Correct. The reality of what it is doesn't change simply because you feel it is immoral or amoral or what ever word you'd like to ascribe to it. I myself am in a quad marriage. Two husbands and two wives. Sexual relations do not exist between all the potential combinations. I am sexual with both wives, and one wife is sexual with both husbands. The other husband is only sexual with one wife, and the same with the other wife. We all love each other and are spouses. While I do have playmates outside the marriage (spouses have veto power), there are plenty of other poly units that are closed, and hold no sexual relationship outside the unit. Poly is about the intimate relationships you have not about the physical ones you have.
 
blackjack50 said:
So I have this friend. For lack of a better word...he is lonely. He works hard. He plays hard. He has been busting his ass the past few years advancing his career. Well about a year or so ago he started dating around. Looking for a relationship actively. So he has the WORST luck of any human I have met. Which brings me to last night.

He met this girl at the dog park. She was real nice. Me and my girlfriend both liked her. But. The last my girlfriend had heard, and my friend, this woman had a boyfriend. Well last night she invited him out to walk their dogs together. Now. They don't live real close, but it is like biking distance. Nothing big. I thought it was weird. They aren't that close. If it were my girlfriend and him...it would be one thing. I know him. He knows me. We are friends. We hang out. And there is that implicit trust amongst friends. Right? Well. He does NOT know the boyfriend.

So they finish their walk, and she invited him to go out for drinks. No mention of a boyfriend. There isn't even pictures of him on her Facebook, no mention of relationship status, and no other signs. Right? Well. They go out and get a little bit tipsy and she passes out at his place. After mentioning her boyfriend. She got a call from him as well apparently. Male voice, didn't leave the room, had a normal phone conversation ended with I love you.

So he texted me at about 5am to relate all this. So I'm left wondering? Is this a normal game for young women under 30? At any rate it is stupid. Would you feel comfortable if your partner spent the night with someone with the opposite sex after drinking? How far is too far? And like he was telling me...he is running screaming because even if she is dumping her boyfriend...that kind of move would show no integrity if that is the case.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

Nope.
 
countryboy said:
I have no idea what a "pearl clutcher" is, but I suspect it's some sort of pejorative for, "not a left wing whack job". Again, no amount of ad hominem, or, deflection, or cutsie made up terms, will make the idea of "poly", somehow moral behavior. Get over it.
Click to expand...

I had to look it up.

Urban Dictionary: pearl clutcher
 
maquiscat said:
Correct. The reality of what it is doesn't change simply because you feel it is immoral or amoral or what ever word you'd like to ascribe to it. I myself am in a quad marriage. Two husbands and two wives. Sexual relations do not exist between all the potential combinations. I am sexual with both wives, and one wife is sexual with both husbands. The other husband is only sexual with one wife, and the same with the other wife. We all love each other and are spouses. While I do have playmates outside the marriage (spouses have veto power), there are plenty of other poly units that are closed, and hold no sexual relationship outside the unit. Poly is about the intimate relationships you have not about the physical ones you have.
Click to expand...

What.ever.floats.your.boat.
 
countryboy said:
I have no idea what a "pearl clutcher" is, but I suspect it's some sort of pejorative for, "not a left wing whack job". Again, no amount of ad hominem, or, deflection, or cutsie made up terms, will make the idea of "poly", somehow moral behavior. Get over it.
Click to expand...

Oh no, someone who's creeping on other people thinks I'm amoral!
 
maquiscat said:
As a poly person, I would say your friend is making the right move. Open relationships and polys are fine, but they have to be based upon openness and honesty. Now if I want to paint this girl in the best light, she simply didn't make it clear to your friend about how her open relationship worked. She may have thought she was saying something, but he never caught it. Sadly, it is more likely that she simply never said anything. This lack of honesty is not poly. As to your other questions:



After drinking, no. Judgement is impaired. Now by drinking I don't mean a glass or two of wine with dinner. Sans being drunk, however, I am alright with any of my spouses spending the night with someone.



This is way too subjective for there to be any one answer. Different people have different limits.
Click to expand...

She isn't in an open relationship. She is in a closed one. And she is lying to the "boyfriend." She cheated. Cheating is wrong.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom