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I have an honest question?

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herenow1

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I've always wondered what I'm about to ask, and have never asked a gay person, so I wanted to ask where I know I'll get honest responses from gay people.

I've noticed that many lesbian women date women who look a lot like men. There have been times that even I was unsure if the female was in fact female. My question is;

If you are drawn to women, why are you drawn to women who look and act like men? This is a genuine question. I guess the same could be asked for a gay male dating a very effeminate male. I guess it's hard for me to understand.
 
herenow1 said:
I've always wondered what I'm about to ask, and have never asked a gay person, so I wanted to ask where I know I'll get honest responses from gay people.

I've noticed that many lesbian women date women who look a lot like men. There have been times that even I was unsure if the female was in fact female. My question is;

If you are drawn to women, why are you drawn to women who look and act like men? This is a genuine question. I guess the same could be asked for a gay male dating a very effeminate male. I guess it's hard for me to understand.
Click to expand...

What's funny is I've noticed that and wondered myself. But not just on the female side.

My husband's boss is gay - and married to a man. This was something he only recently shared with Mr. Borrachos and nobody else in their company. My husband's boss is a very large burly and handsome men. We met his husband a few weeks ago. The husband is prettier than I am. I actually asked Mr. B's boss (who loves me and encourages me to ask questions about it) if he was attracted to "D" because he resembled a woman, and he said yes. I followed up with a question asking why he wasn't attracted to a woman who looks like a woman but instead was attracted to a man who looks like a woman, and he said "It's all about the penis, Tres".
 
U
tres borrachos said:
What's funny is I've noticed that and wondered myself. But not just on the female side.

My husband's boss is gay - and married to a man. This was something he only recently shared with Mr. Borrachos and nobody else in their company. My husband's boss is a very large burly and handsome men. We met his husband a few weeks ago. The husband is prettier than I am. I actually asked Mr. B's boss (who loves me and encourages me to ask questions about it) if he was attracted to "D" because he resembled a woman, and he said yes. I followed up with a question asking why he wasn't attracted to a woman who looks like a woman but instead was attracted to a man who looks like a woman, and he said "It's all about the penis, Tres".
Click to expand...

Lol, funny story. But yet I've heard many say that it's not even about sex and that sex only makes up a small percentage. I know that I'm attracted to men, but if he's a man but looks and acts feminine, there's no attraction. I guess I thought it would be the same line of thinking.
 
herenow1 said:
I've always wondered what I'm about to ask, and have never asked a gay person, so I wanted to ask where I know I'll get honest responses from gay people.

I've noticed that many lesbian women date women who look a lot like men. There have been times that even I was unsure if the female was in fact female. My question is;

If you are drawn to women, why are you drawn to women who look and act like men? This is a genuine question. I guess the same could be asked for a gay male dating a very effeminate male. I guess it's hard for me to understand.
Click to expand...

I can't answer from experience exactly, but...

There are certainly plenty of "lipstick lesbian" pairings, but, if you think about it, are all straight women attracted to burly guys?

I've certainly gone for the metrosexual more than once, personally. Burly's cool too -- basically I can find the appeal in different kinds of guys. I've known women who only go for the metrosexual or other kinds of guys typically seen as "effeminate."

Also, keep in mind that the "butch" lesbian is only "butch" because of what our cultural gender expectations are. In objective terms, her "butchiness" isn't anti-feminine in any real way, any more than my tendency not to wear make-up is.

And then there's the open question as to how much culture affects mate selection. If you look at hetero preferences through the years, there has been dramatic changes throughout. I remember threads discussing attractive celebrity men, and the older women and younger women have very different preferences. The older ones go for more of the classic hairy, rough-skinned Sean Connery in his hey day. Younger women are more likely to go for a guy less hair, not necessarily as "thick," and perhaps even "metro" in the way he's dressed and his hair is done.

As our culture is becoming less gender stereotyped, there's a clear move away from selecting mates based on the extremes of gender expectations within the hetero world.

Does the gender dichotomy all of us see in our culture also tend to dichotomize lesbian mate selection, the same way it does for straight people, and will that decrease as our gender expectations get less extreme? Dunno, but it's interesting, and I can tell you I notice this trend less in younger gay and lesbian couples I know, versus older ones.
 
herenow1 said:
U

Lol, funny story. But yet I've heard many say that it's not even about sex and that sex only makes up a small percentage. I know that I'm attracted to men, but if he's a man but looks and acts feminine, there's no attraction. I guess I thought it would be the same line of thinking.
Click to expand...

Me as well, herenow. I met my husband in college where he was a hockey player (Division 1 school). He also played pro for a short time after we graduated. I've always been attracted to the hockey player types but I have some friends who adore the meterosexual types so different strokes, I guess...

I don't know what the average is for same sex folks and I don't know if there is any study on the pairings but in my personal observation in this area - I live in NH and we have a lot of gay couples in this area given that SSM is accepted & recognized in the bordering states and here) - most pairings I've seen of gay couples shows one whose general appearance and often times mannersisms closely resemble that of the opposite saex.
 
herenow1 said:
If you are drawn to women, why are you drawn to women who look and act like men? This is a genuine question. I guess the same could be asked for a gay male dating a very effeminate male. I guess it's hard for me to understand.
Click to expand...
Sexuality and attraction isn't simple or logical for anyone. Regardless of the gender(s) of people you might be generally attracted to, there will be individuals within that group you find extremely attractive and others you find completely repulsive. It not even about conventionally attractive or unattractive features - we've all know couples were we've wondered "What does she see in him?" (or vice versa).

The key thing to remember regarding your question is that there is nothing fundamentally different about homosexuals and heterosexuals other than the gender of people they're generally attracted to. Everything else, including everything I've mentioned above, applies just as much to them as it does to the rest of us.

That said, the pressures of social convention can obvious impact anyone who is socially unconventional in some manner and that can certainly influence how we end up acting. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the kind of things you're describing are influenced by that as much as any fundamental desire within the individuals involved.
 
tres borrachos said:
most pairings I've seen of gay couples shows one whose general appearance and often times mannersisms closely resemble that of the opposite saex.
Click to expand...

Perhaps those are just the pairings most noticed.
 
ecofarm said:
Perhaps those are just the pairings most noticed.
Click to expand...

Exactly. People don't notice all the other pairings where the female doesn't look male or the male isn't "effeminate".
 
herenow1 said:
I've always wondered what I'm about to ask, and have never asked a gay person, so I wanted to ask where I know I'll get honest responses from gay people.

I've noticed that many lesbian women date women who look a lot like men. There have been times that even I was unsure if the female was in fact female. My question is;

If you are drawn to women, why are you drawn to women who look and act like men? This is a genuine question. I guess the same could be asked for a gay male dating a very effeminate male. I guess it's hard for me to understand.
Click to expand...
this is a possibility, because they are likely bisexual, and somewhat unsure of what they want.

From experience though I don't ever recall a truely gay man dating and overly efem man, I have known more than one couple who were a" one Bi, one gay" couple Women the same, |a Bi plus a manish bull dyke"
 
That is a ridiculous question.

Men are attracted to women from the extremely feminine and docile to the extremely rugged and dominant. The same goes for woman and their men.

Guess no one noticed that.
 
1750Texan said:
That is a ridiculous question.

Men are attracted to women from the extremely feminine and docile to the extremely rugged and dominant. The same goes for woman and their men.

Guess no one noticed that.
Click to expand...

Starting off with that's a "ridiculous" question,is what discourages people from asking questions and trying to understand others who are different from them. I was once told the only dumb question("rudiculous) are the questions not asked.
 
herenow1 said:
If you are drawn to women, why are you drawn to women who look and act like men? This is a genuine question. I guess the same could be asked for a gay male dating a very effeminate male. I guess it's hard for me to understand.
Click to expand...
There's a big stigma in the gay male community over very effeminate men. Often tacky people will say things along the lines of "I'm into straight-acting guys only" or "I only date masc guys."

There are times when I'm walking down the street and see a guy and think, "Oh he's cute." Then when I get closer I realize it's a Justin Bieber lesbian. I'm not sure what's up with that phenomenon.
 
1750Texan said:
That is a ridiculous question.

Men are attracted to women from the extremely feminine and docile to the extremely rugged and dominant. The same goes for woman and their men.

Guess no one noticed that.
Click to expand...

Guess you didn't read any of the other posts in this thread.
 
Another thought on this...

I live in what is considered the most gay-friendly city in America, Minneapolis.

What's unique about the Minneapolis gay scene is how much there ISN'T a gay scene.

There's a lot of gay PEOPLE, but it's not like San Francisco, which can be a bit outrageous.

Minneapolis has been cool with gay people for a very, very long time. That was true even when I was a young child, so more than 20 years ago. Because gay people have been a non-issue for so long around here, gay people are very normalized in society.

Around here, I don't see very many gay men who are hyper-effeminate, or lesbians who are hyper-butch, and less and less as time goes on. Your average gay dude around here is a little metro, but certainly not "flamboyant," and he doesn't really stick out from his straight counterparts.

Perhaps Minneapolis is a good example of what happens when homosexuality is just not an issue. I don't see the "gay stereotypes" around here as much as I have in other places I've lived in the US.

Perhaps it's because they feel less pressure to have a visual identity, since they're very integrated and don't have much reason to defend themselves or band together. Perhaps it's the overall liberal and non-confining gender expectations of the city as a whole.
 
herenow1 said:
U

Lol, funny story. But yet I've heard many say that it's not even about sex and that sex only makes up a small percentage. I know that I'm attracted to men, but if he's a man but looks and acts feminine, there's no attraction. I guess I thought it would be the same line of thinking.
Click to expand...

Then, I guess, it is a question of what you mean by attraction. I have had a lot of homosexual male friends that in an As Friends way I was very well "attracted" to. I would not have thought about bedding them, however. But otherwise they were very close to me. This is not your question, but an aspect of the answer you gave tres.
 
herenow1 said:
I've always wondered what I'm about to ask, and have never asked a gay person, so I wanted to ask where I know I'll get honest responses from gay people.

I've noticed that many lesbian women date women who look a lot like men. There have been times that even I was unsure if the female was in fact female. My question is;

If you are drawn to women, why are you drawn to women who look and act like men? This is a genuine question. I guess the same could be asked for a gay male dating a very effeminate male. I guess it's hard for me to understand.
Click to expand...

I believe there have been lots of scientific studies and research projects on the issue of attraction along the human spectrum and it has been concluded, without equivocation, the precise reason is "damned if I know". Conclusion being, one person is attracted sexually to another person for no particular discernible reason - they just are - and they most often can't explain it themselves. One of life's many wonderful mysteries.

I will waive my usual fee for this analysis.
 
I have a niece that is a lesbian. She is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen in my life - she dates women that are also very beautiful. She does not like the "butch" look.

So, I guess like most everything else, it takes all kinds, and no group can be categorized into any certain stereotype - although I have also noticed a lot of pretty women that seem to be with masculine appearing women as well. :thinking
 
tres borrachos said:
What's funny is I've noticed that and wondered myself. But not just on the female side.

My husband's boss is gay - and married to a man. This was something he only recently shared with Mr. Borrachos and nobody else in their company. My husband's boss is a very large burly and handsome men. We met his husband a few weeks ago. The husband is prettier than I am. I actually asked Mr. B's boss (who loves me and encourages me to ask questions about it) if he was attracted to "D" because he resembled a woman, and he said yes. I followed up with a question asking why he wasn't attracted to a woman who looks like a woman but instead was attracted to a man who looks like a woman, and he said "It's all about the penis, Tres".
Click to expand...


Yet, Mr B's spouse is all attracted to a big burly man. So, that isn't the case all the time. Gets confusing, doesn't it?
 
Because those mannerisms are often secondary to other qualities we find attractive. It's not as pronounced as the stereotypes, unless you start veering into drag queen.
 
herenow1 said:
I've always wondered what I'm about to ask, and have never asked a gay person, so I wanted to ask where I know I'll get honest responses from gay people.

I've noticed that many lesbian women date women who look a lot like men. There have been times that even I was unsure if the female was in fact female. My question is;

If you are drawn to women, why are you drawn to women who look and act like men? This is a genuine question. I guess the same could be asked for a gay male dating a very effeminate male. I guess it's hard for me to understand.
Click to expand...

It is difficult to understand. It's hard for some of us to understand. There are heterosexual women that are attracted to somewhat effeminate men. And there are heterosexual men who are attracted to more masculine women. What ever trips your trigger really.

My husband doesn't really come off as effeminate to me. Though many people think that he is effeminate. I haven't noticed. It isn't linked to our roles in bed.

I personal like to be needed. He fulfills that. So those traits he has are the ones I look for. But there is the masculine side of him, he doesn't like to express those feelings. But he feels safe with me.

It's really complicated. I wasn't really attracted to him because he wore cute shirts and liked lady ga ga. It's his personality. He blurts things out sometimes without thinking than his ears turn bright red. There are these endearing traits that he has, I have seen them in women and in men about equally.

Like I said, I personally don't see him as effeminate. On a relationship level he is very masculine. Meaning that he has difficulty sharing his feelings, he wants to be strong but sometimes needs permission not to be. When we fight*it's very much like men and not at all like women.

He tendsto be a little more best in the way he dresses, he likes fashionable things, he isn't afraid to appreciate beauty.

Perhaps it's an eye of the beholder thing. perhaps because people see male and female roles they imprint that into relationships of people of the same sex. There are a lot of guys that are less masculine than me. Lots of his that are more masculine than me. Perhaps you would see men as being more effeminate when paired with a man that is more masculine.

That being said there are people out there that blur the lines. Maybe they like them because they play by their own rules.
 
brothern said:
There's a big stigma in the gay male community over very effeminate men. Often tacky people will say things along the lines of "I'm into straight-acting guys only" or "I only date masc guys."
Click to expand...
I never really got that. To act straight to me is to prefer women. It's strange.

There are times when I'm walking down the street and see a guy and think, "Oh he's cute." Then when I get closer I realize it's a Justin Bieber lesbian. I'm not sure what's up with that phenomenon.
Click to expand...
Yeah, just today I bought a sandwich from a Justin beiber. I was fooled at first, I thought she was just a teenaged boy, but sure enough, she was female.
 
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