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Struggling with PTSD

Skeptic Bob

Skeptic Bob

DP Veteran
Joined
Oct 6, 2014
Messages
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Location
Texas
Gender
Male
Political Leaning
Libertarian - Left
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
Click to expand...

I am here if you need to talk. I accept checks... just joking.

If you need/want to talk we are here for you. I can only imagine how difficult it must be and not feeling like you can talk to your family must be tough.

What helps? Do you do activities? Sports? Painting?

Writing in a journal and then burning the page can be releasing...
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
Click to expand...

Can't even imagine what it's like, but I think you need to forgive yourself. Yeah, you had a choice, but those choices, as you said, were limited with no 'good' one. You're only human.
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
Click to expand...

I dunno what you went through but I want to offer one piece of advice.

Never ever let the dark feelings take over and win. Get busy with a hobby, go out for a coffee to be around people, talk to trusted friends, go to military group counseling sessions, etc. etc. etc.

I have had episodes of PTSD since when I was 13 years old. ( I can PM the details and what I did to get through it all) The anxiety attacks and depression can be extremely unhealthy if you do not take action.

Once you learn to like yourself again, it's all fair winds.
 
I can see you admire Carl Sagan, so I'll assume you're a freethinking type of person.

Your life is valuable and rare. It took the universe 13.8 billion years to bring you to this point. Years of stars living and dying and chemical and biological evolution led to you. The cosmos has gone out of it's way to make you, so you owe it the courtesy of loving yourself and seeking help until you find the kind that works for you.

"Even on your hardest days, never forget you are made of star stuff" - Carl Sagan
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
Click to expand...

I can offer you my sympathy and my recognition that this is a real and very difficult issue for you to deal with.

I don't feel qualified to offer advice, but I am willing to point out things I've learned through my own life experiences.

1. Guilt is often a primary factor in traumatic situations. One has to recognize this, then find a way to both accept the guilt/responsibility as well as a way to forgive themselves somehow.

2. Solitude is not the answer. One should never assume they are alone, or that they can't count on help. I see you fear to involve you family and friends...but ask yourself this. If you knew someone close to you or in your family who was going through something and needed help, would you not want to be there and try to help? If so, then why assume the worst? Give some other trusted person or persons a chance to offer informed support. One should never try to go it alone.

3. Seek methods of healing, which can include charitable works (restitution), hobbies (to relax and alleviate stressors), and "Lifelines" i.e. contacts willing to respond immediately to a need for comfort and companionship whenever one feels a fit of fear/despair coming on.

Meanwhile, recognize that what one is going through is not due to any character flaw, or makes one less of a person for reacting as they do. People are never alone. :)

Good luck.
 
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Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
Click to expand...

For whatever little it's worth, I'm just a short PM away.

May you sleep soundly tonight, and feel how loved you really are.
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
Click to expand...

In my case, it has dulled with time but I wasn’t as heavily impacted as some. Everyone is different. All I can say is to keep trying to keep things in perspective, and understand you are sharing this earth with many others who share your plight.

And keep up with the proper therapy.
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
Click to expand...


I want to say that you are not alone. This **** is not easy. But, you can definitely get to a different and better place.
I have a diagnosis of PTSD as well. Have you tried EMDR therapy? I have found it very helpful at relieving a lot of the flashbacks and anxiety.

FWIW, we found out a few months ago that my son was sexually groped by a youth pastor that he deeply loved and trusted. He has also found EMDR therapy to be helpful in the past month or so. I would be happy to listen to anything you want to talk about, without judging, as I have done with my son.

peace and blessings to you.
 
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Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
Click to expand...

I certainly have no answers, but I suggest maybe finding a support group or something where you can talk about it with people who know exactly what you are talking about.
 
We're here, I'm here for you. You're not alone.
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
Click to expand...

Let me offer a sage piece of wisdom I was given. For good or ill we are the accumulation of our experiences, it is the part of our essential make up, while we may not control what happens to us, we can control how we react to what happens. Life happens, change happens. Pain and joy are two sides of the same coin, you cannot have one with out the other. To know pain is to know joy, the deeper your pain the deeper your joy. The fact you have regrets simply says you are a good person. We all have them, some more so than others. Life and regrets go hand in hand, we all make mistakes, we all do things we wish fervently we didn't, the trick is to learn to embrace them and learn from them no matter how bad they are.

If your moral compass had indeed shattered, you wouldn't think about your incident, you wouldn't have even noticed it. Doesn't mean you weren't scarred and badly, but your compass my friend, at least from your post seems to be just fine. Believe me, I have been around people with no moral compass, they know no pain of conscious.

Embrace the history of your pain, so you may better embrace the joy of your life as it is now. To know joy is why life is worth living.
 
Skeptic Bob said:
I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
Click to expand...

My advice to you is to stop expecting somebody to fix it. They cannot, because they don't really understand it.

You are normal right now. What you want is to go back to before. But you cannot unsee what you have seen. You cannot undo what you have done. You cannot trick your brain away from it.

Stop trying. Part of PTSD is a re-wiring of the brain. This can range from enduring numbness to hyper sensitivity; and there is no undoing it. This is why the best thing that anybody with PTSD can do is to find peace by personally coping. Talking about the incident or incidents over and over to people only helps you to relive it over and over. You only need to have lived it once. Contrary to popular belief, "talking about it" does not always help. You know the event. You have sorted through it, I'm sure. Now you have to cope and only you know how to do that. You need to figure out the triggers, the symptoms at its worse, and how to attack it. No psychologist or psychiatrist can help you by instructing you how to breathe.

Believing that friends and family will look at you differently is also normal. But in most cases, family and friends see the difference when the troop returns. If letting them in on it concerns you, then don't. But the lonely feelings you get off and on are largely due to a created alienation within yourself. There are parts of you that you keep from them, thus parts of you that are alone even when you are with them.

This is the business. You have to be stronger than your memory of the event(s).
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
Click to expand...

I think just talking about it even here, helps- so if you need to do that (without going into details) feel free to do so. I do hope you can find someone to talk to other than the professionals. Perhaps you could find a support group or something?

Everyone has problems. I deal with mine through writing. Perhaps you might want to just write down your feelings (you dont have to reveal these writings to others if you dont want to- there's ways to encrypt it on your PC) and it might help too. Just a suggestion. Hang in there.
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
Click to expand...

Chief, Been there, got the tee shirt.

Its different for all of us; I cant say I know what exactly you had to deal with, but I know from personal experience that it sticks to you and its hard to scrape off.....its been 9 years since I left Iraq and hung up the boots, but will still catch you when you least expect it.

I'm a PM away if you want.
 
MSgt said:
My advice to you is to stop expecting somebody to fix it. They cannot, because they don't really understand it.

You are normal right now. What you want is to go back to before. But you cannot unsee what you have seen. You cannot undo what you have done. You cannot trick your brain away from it.

Stop trying. Part of PTSD is a re-wiring of the brain. This can range from enduring numbness to hyper sensitivity; and there is no undoing it. This is why the best thing that anybody with PTSD can do is to find peace by personally coping. Talking about the incident or incidents over and over to people only helps you to relive it over and over. You only need to have lived it once. Contrary to popular belief, "talking about it" does not always help. You know the event. You have sorted through it, I'm sure. Now you have to cope and only you know how to do that. You need to figure out the triggers, the symptoms at its worse, and how to attack it. No psychologist or psychiatrist can help you by instructing you how to breathe.

Believing that friends and family will look at you differently is also normal. But in most cases, family and friends see the difference when the troop returns. If letting them in on it concerns you, then don't. But the lonely feelings you get off and on are largely due to a created alienation within yourself. There are parts of you that you keep from them, thus parts of you that are alone even when you are with them.

This is the business. You have to be stronger than your memory of the event(s).
Click to expand...

This is super true, which is why I mentioned EMDR. There is a lot of evidence that EMDR reprograms the brain's response to specific trauma.

I have heard it explained like this: when you experience trauma, that traumatic memory is filed by your brain in the same place that your fight/flight response occurs. When something happens that reminds your brain in a particular way of the trauma (smell, feeling, something you see, etc), your brain turns on the fight/flight response which is what most of us experience as anxiety in many different parts of our body. EMDR removes those trauma memories and refiles them somewhere else.

That's exactly what it felt like for me when I went through that therapy.

The downside of EMDR is that you literally have to relive the trauma inside your head with a therapist in order for it to occur. So it can be very difficult and stressful.

MSGt is correct, though. Your brain has been reprogrammed by the trauma to kick on fight/flight whenever it senses that something which matches your prior trauma may occur.

It's a lifesaving response, it's how we keep from dying, but for people with PTSD, it's wicked difficult and inconvenient.
 
Your moral compass wasn't shattered, because most days I agree with the things you say. And my moral compas isn't shattered. I've done some bad things in my life, and when I reflect on them, I feel guilt, certainly. What's worse, some of my mistakes WERE choices...I had options, unlike you. I let my best friend die, because I didn't truly listen. I wasn't there for him, and I wasn't what he needed me to be. I could have been, but I chose not to be. I've done all kinds of bad ****. I think back on my life, and wrecking ball I've been to others in my life, and I am shamed. But that's who and what I am.

You're you, now. You're not who you were. Who you were did some bad things. By choice, or not, isn't really relevant. Why? Because you have morality, and morality doesn't give a **** about so called choices. Morality only cares about the act itself, and the tragic results that followed. So, you're compass works just fine, it's your opinion of yourself that's broken. Think about that. Old you did some bad ****, that is killing new you. To my mind, that makes new you a pretty good person. You need to accept yourself, warts and all. It's never going to go away, but would you want it to? Truly? I think not.

Also, I don't care what you did. Lie, steel, murder. Trust me when I tell you, there are people in your life that will here the tale, and love you just as much or more after. They may see you differently, but why shouldn't they? You're not old you anymore.
 
I still occasionally experience anxiety attacks. Hang in there. Keep up the professional counseling. Sometimes there are no good choices, and the best we can do is implement the least bad choice. We do the very best we can do in impossible situations.

Consider a DP blog. Post only what and when you want. I would wager there are many here at DP who have personal experience with PTSD and could suggest helpful therapies and programs.
 
Thank you all for the suggestions and support. It means a lot to me.
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Thank you all for the suggestions and support. It means a lot to me.
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Above all, Bob, forgive yourself.

This is something I say a lot to people I work with who have often been through hell. You did whatever you needed to do to survive, and you did in fact survive. And, thank all that is sacred for that.

If you would have done otherwise, based on your comments, the chances are good that you would not have made it.

So, forgive yourself. I'm glad you survived, and you should be, too.

As long as you are surviving, you have the opportunity to heal and have many present and future joys.
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
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First of all, you are NOT alone. Soldiers have been affected by PTSD long before that label existed.

I should have realized something was wrong after my first tour in Vietnam when, in Germany, I decided to volunteer for another tour. There was no reason for doing so, except I just didn't feel right PLAYING Army in Germany when I could be doing the real thing. A couple of years after I got out, I was walking along the street in downtown Portland OR, going to my dumbass office job, when a car backfired near me. Next thing I knew, I was 20 feet down the street prone between a mailbox and a parked car...my heart thumping in my chest. There were other instances, but like you I don't like to talk about it all that much.

Back then, we didn't have the resources you have today. Nobody knew...or really cared...about it. Two things saved my ass: 1. The love of a good woman. Don't shut your family out...please don't. 2. After being out 8 years, I went back INTO the Army. I put my efforts into helping the youngsters prepare for and deal with what was going to affect them by being leader and mentor.

Don't get me wrong...I'm not suggesting you re-enter the hell. It worked for me. It may be the worse thing you could do. I'm asking you to not give up. You won't ever get back to who you were before, but you can become someone you can live with. Don't give up.
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
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I'm so sorry to hear this. If you ever want an impartial ear who won't charge, or judge you, PM me anytime.
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
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As clichéd as this sounds, it's the best advice I can give; hang in Bob. It gets better with time, although never 100%. 7 years is a long time to deal with what you're going through, but it will get easier. You gotta believe it, want it, use it as your mantra.

Also, absolutely avoid anything that leads you to ruminate over it. I agree with what Teddy Roosevelt said; "get action", meaning, get busy doing things that leave you no time to think about the event. For me this means anything outdoors, away from 4 walls, away from situations where I might dwell on what happened to me that caused PTSD. I go hiking in the mountains, look for wildlife, canoeing on rivers, and biking long distances. These things tire me out to the point of exhaustion sometimes, but they also help me to only focus on what's absolutely at hand, no past, no future.

My advice probably sounds corny, idk. But it's worked for me so far, even though I still run into rough patches. So I'd reiterate, hang in, don't let any event you had no control over beat you.
 
PirateMk1 said:
Let me offer a sage piece of wisdom I was given. For good or ill we are the accumulation of our experiences, it is the part of our essential make up, while we may not control what happens to us, we can control how we react to what happens. Life happens, change happens. Pain and joy are two sides of the same coin, you cannot have one with out the other. To know pain is to know joy, the deeper your pain the deeper your joy. The fact you have regrets simply says you are a good person. We all have them, some more so than others. Life and regrets go hand in hand, we all make mistakes, we all do things we wish fervently we didn't, the trick is to learn to embrace them and learn from them no matter how bad they are.

If your moral compass had indeed shattered, you wouldn't think about your incident, you wouldn't have even noticed it. Doesn't mean you weren't scarred and badly, but your compass my friend, at least from your post seems to be just fine. Believe me, I have been around people with no moral compass, they know no pain of conscious.

Embrace the history of your pain, so you may better embrace the joy of your life as it is now. To know joy is why life is worth living.
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This is a great post.

The pain we feel upon a loss, is directly proportional to the good the loss thing or person provided us. If we remain strongly cognizant of this, it's much easier to work through our pain and come to embrace and celebrate the good we lost as the lucky privilege it was.

Edit: Damn, just realized I necro'd the thread. Sorry, 'bout that.
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
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The time that things sneak up on me the most is when I am trying to go to sleep. My situation doesn't sound near as bad as yours. That sounds like it just sucks. Have you thought about a dog? I don't have any other advice for you but I can feel for ya. Sorry bud.
 
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