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Struggling with PTSD

Skeptic Bob said:
I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
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Bob, it's poor compensation to just offer my puny words, but I don't know what else to do, except to tell you that you've earned the support of many right here on DP.
I know this is an anonymous forum but I'm pretty easy to find out in the real world and I would be there to talk if you ever needed it.
The wife is a disabled vet but more importantly we know tons of vets with PTSD.

Reaching out to you in whatever way my meager words of support will allow.

SoldiersMemDay.jpg
 
Chomsky said:
This is a great post.

The pain we feel upon a loss, is directly proportional to the good the loss thing or person provided us. If we remain strongly cognizant of this, it's much easier to work through our pain and come to embrace and celebrate the good we lost as the lucky privilege it was.

Edit: Damn, just realized I necro'd the thread. Sorry, 'bout that.
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Not your fault. I linked to it. And the point you made, like Pirate’s, is a wonderful way of viewing life.
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Not your fault. I linked to it. And the point you made, like Pirate’s, is a wonderful way of viewing life.
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It's kinda' an extension of,

"Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all"

:cheers:
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
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My advice. first , not knowing what you went through, maybe you're just being a bitch. grow a pair. if its more serious. stop trying to get back to normal. accept you current situation. be aware of your thoughts, and in control of them . sometimes it helps to speak out loud , for your own ears to hear in order to change your thought process. say anything . say DOG **** !! this helps to end a thought process. maybe youll get lucky and some asshole cop will kill you. thanks for your ****ing service!!!
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrTPj_oMKyk
 
Skeptic Bob said:
Some things just don't get better with time. It has been nearly 7 ****ing years and it just keeps coming back more vicious than ever. I pretend it isn't there. That everything is normal. I do my work, go through the motions of being a father, husband, family member or friend. It fools everyone but me.

I keep going back to that place. Keep reliving the incident. I alternate between emotional numbness and crying like a baby. I know, intellectually, that I didn't have a choice. My chain of command and the therapists all said that. "You didn't have a choice". But the person I thought I was died on that day. My moral compass was shattered.

Of course I did have a choice. It was just all choices available to me were horrible and would lead to loss of life.

The only people I can talk about it in detail to are people I pay to listen. I can't tell my friends and family what happened. It would change how they see me. And I certainly can't discuss it in detail here, on a public forum. I have done the group counseling thing but all the veterans in those groups, that I have seen so far, have a different kind of PTSD. Usually from witnessing a traumatic event or being hit by an IED. The type of PTSD I have, so I'm told, is "Perpetration-Induced Traumatic Stress".

I don't know why I am posting this. Just feeling alone, I guess. I just want to go back to normal. I just want to be me again. But the odds of that happening don't look good.
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Interesting, my wife's therapist was sure that she should tell me.

Seems to have been the right call.
 
Hawkeye10 said:
Interesting, my wife's therapist was sure that she should tell me.

Seems to have been the right call.
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I’m working up to it. Last week was kind of rough as Feb 22nd was the 7 year anniversary of the incident. My family knew something was up. I don’t know if they pieced together where I was and what was going on at that time.

My mom is the one I think I am going to have the hardest time telling. I told my shrink that I am thinking about doing it at a joint counseling session. Part of the problem is there are two sides to the story and one of the sides is a happy, feel good story where I helped a lot of innocent people escape what was for all intents and purposes a war zone. My wife and mom have retold that story to countless people out of pride. My mom still has the CNN story on her DVR. But when they find out the other side of that story it is going to crush them. No mother wants to think her son had to something like that.

My dad and brother will get it. I think my wife will probably dismiss it as not that serious. But that has more to do with the culture she grew up in. She is a product of Khmer Rouge Cambodia where she lost over half her family to the atrocities. She’ll probably just view it as part of a soldier’s job.

I am aiming to tell them when I see them in July.
 
Skeptic Bob said:
I’m working up to it. Last week was kind of rough as Feb 22nd was the 7 year anniversary of the incident. My family knew something was up. I don’t know if they pieced together where I was and what was going on at that time.

My mom is the one I think I am going to have the hardest time telling. I told my shrink that I am thinking about doing it at a joint counseling session. Part of the problem is there are two sides to the story and one of the sides is a happy, feel good story where I helped a lot of innocent people escape what was for all intents and purposes a war zone. My wife and mom have retold that story to countless people out of pride. My mom still has the CNN story on her DVR. But when they find out the other side of that story it is going to crush them. No mother wants to think her son had to something like that.

My dad and brother will get it. I think my wife will probably dismiss it as not that serious. But that has more to do with the culture she grew up in. She is a product of Khmer Rouge Cambodia where she lost over half her family to the atrocities. She’ll probably just view it as part of a soldier’s job.

I am aiming to tell them when I see them in July.
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Sure, takes time, and I recommend a lot of drinking (or somethin).....so have you also been told this?

I never got told a reason, it was "My therapist said that we should do this" and I said "No problem when?" and a few weeks later the time felt right.





EDIT: "He will think different of me, and he might think I am so bad that he will not want me anymore" was sure in her head before, but it turned out fine.......your wife forged on Khmer Rouge......I dont know what to tell you man....you might be right.....be ready in case.....and maybe that would be fine IDK
 
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I am not going to tell her story here anymore than to say that she has herself convinced that well over 100 people are dead because of her, because she did not do enough to save them, which means in this case that she did not battle hard enough against the bureaucracy that did not want to listen to truth.

They visit her most nights.
 
Hawkeye10 said:
I am not going to tell her story here anymore than to say that she has herself convinced that well over 100 people are dead because of her, because she did not do enough to save them, which means in this case that she did not battle hard enough against the bureaucracy that did not want to listen to truth.

They visit her most nights.
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That is rough. The guilt of inaction can be just as bad as the guilt of action.
 
Skeptic Bob said:
That is rough. The guilt of inaction can be just as bad as the guilt of action.
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I saw you mention Veteran suicide in another thread just now and remembered this thread.
I was unaware of the acronym PITS until you mentioned it.
My Wife was aware of it. Her Father was a tank destroyer in WWII.
They had Reunions for almost 50 years.

I'll be asking the members of our Sons of the AL about PITS this week. I'm forever learning, in retirement.
Half of the Sons ARE Veterans themselves and enjoy being in the Sons. They're our Leaders.
For the good of the Sons. Honor Guard for Veterans. And so much more.
We take the 3 winter months off from meetings. Some are snowbirds.

I was in my Sons shirt last Saturday at an event. The floor supervisor came over to me and thanked me for wearing the Sons shirt.
He was 26 years Air Force and 20 more in this second career.
(My Dad was 30 years Air Force--struggled in retirement--so have I from teaching)

I'm arguing with all of my Health professionals about whether ALL Americans have some level of PTSD from their lives.
After all, Civilians and Veterans certainly take the same type of meds, whether psychotropic, opioidal and glandular.

Travel is therapeutic; it can be just the people one meets out of nowhere; but of course one would have to have the right frame of mind for it.
Depression results from a loss, whatever the loss. Once we understand our loss, we get better, one day at a time ...
 
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