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Advice. Should I or shouldn’t I?

MaggieD

MaggieD

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Tom’s second niece, Sandy, was raised by Tom’s sister. Sandy’s grandmother. She’s had nothing but problems because of really bad choices. I equate a lot of them to her having a mom and dad (biological) who were using cocaine and let his mom, Sandy’s grandparents, raise her. Sandy has had two babies. One her grandma adopted to raise. He is is eight years old. The other they arranged an adoption with a family friend.

She’s a mess. Has yet to prove herself. Lost her license to drunk driving for a few years. Trouble holding a job. Piercings. Is fighting alcohol addiction. And picks guys who are horrendous. Anyway, she’s decided over the last six months that she’s gay. She and her girlfriend are getting married on October 13, Friday. I offered to take them to dinner. Congrated them and plan on giving them a wedding card and monetary gift.taking them out to dinner later.

Her grandmother told me she isn’t going. It’s in the face of her Catholic religion. Her grandad, who also raised her, won’t even talk to her though she shows up at family gatherings. Both grandma and grandpa who raised her and adopted one of her children, are very active in the church.

First, I really care about this gal. I think she’s 26, smart as a whip and running out of time. I blame her addiction problems on the Aderol and other drugs she took all thru her childhood.

My question is this. I am tempted to butt in. To tell her grandma the right thing to do is to, at the very least, send them a card and a gift.

Your thoughts?

I’m off the board for an hour or so...
 
MaggieD said:
Tom’s second niece, Sandy, was raised by Tom’s sister. Sandy’s grandmother. She’s had nothing but problems because of really bad choices. I equate a lot of them to her having a mom and dad (biological) who were using cocaine and let his mom, Sandy’s grandparents, raise her. Sandy has had two babies. One her grandma adopted to raise. He is is eight years old. The other they arranged an adoption with a family friend.

She’s a mess. Has yet to prove herself. Lost her license to drunk driving for a few years. Trouble holding a job. Piercings. Is fighting alcohol addiction. And picks guys who are horrendous. Anyway, she’s decided over the last six months that she’s gay. She and her girlfriend are getting married on October 13, Friday. I offered to take them to dinner. Congrated them and plan on giving them a wedding card and monetary gift.taking them out to dinner later.

Her grandmother told me she isn’t going. It’s in the face of her Catholic religion. Her grandad, who also raised her, won’t even talk to her though she shows up at family gatherings. Both grandma and grandpa who raised her and adopted one of her children, are very active in the church.

First, I really care about this gal. I think she’s 26, smart as a whip and running out of time. I blame her addiction problems on the Aderol and other drugs she took all thru her childhood.

My question is this. I am tempted to butt in. To tell her grandma the right thing to do is to, at the very least, send them a card and a gift.

Your thoughts?

I’m off the board for an hour or so...
Click to expand...

I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot poll.
 
I'd let grandma make her own decisions. It's not my place to tell anyone else how to live unless what they're doing effects me personally.
 
MaggieD said:
Tom’s second niece, Sandy, was raised by Tom’s sister. Sandy’s grandmother. She’s had nothing but problems because of really bad choices. I equate a lot of them to her having a mom and dad (biological) who were using cocaine and let his mom, Sandy’s grandparents, raise her. Sandy has had two babies. One her grandma adopted to raise. He is is eight years old. The other they arranged an adoption with a family friend.

She’s a mess. Has yet to prove herself. Lost her license to drunk driving for a few years. Trouble holding a job. Piercings. Is fighting alcohol addiction. And picks guys who are horrendous. Anyway, she’s decided over the last six months that she’s gay. She and her girlfriend are getting married on October 13, Friday. I offered to take them to dinner. Congrated them and plan on giving them a wedding card and monetary gift.taking them out to dinner later.

Her grandmother told me she isn’t going. It’s in the face of her Catholic religion. Her grandad, who also raised her, won’t even talk to her though she shows up at family gatherings. Both grandma and grandpa who raised her and adopted one of her children, are very active in the church.

First, I really care about this gal. I think she’s 26, smart as a whip and running out of time. I blame her addiction problems on the Aderol and other drugs she took all thru her childhood.

My question is this. I am tempted to butt in. To tell her grandma the right thing to do is to, at the very least, send them a card and a gift.

Your thoughts?

I’m off the board for an hour or so...
Click to expand...

I wouldn't. Quite honestly, if they can't even show some compassion to their own family, what hope does an outsider have for teaching them that? If their granddaughter's smiling face isn't enough to make them rethink, what would be?

I've been through this with my own disgustingly bigoted family. It makes no difference. They'll either grow a heart or they won't.
 
Risky Thicket said:
I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot poll.
Click to expand...

Lutherf said:
I'd let grandma make her own decisions. It's not my place to tell anyone else how to live unless what they're doing effects me personally.
Click to expand...

SmokeAndMirrors said:
I wouldn't. Quite honestly, if they can't even show some compassion to their own family, what hope does an outsider have for teaching them that? If their granddaughter's smiling face isn't enough to make them rethink, what would be?

I've been through this with my own disgustingly bigoted family. It makes no difference. They'll either grow a heart or they won't.
Click to expand...

Goshin said:
:yt


.....
Click to expand...

Well, as far as I, concerned, this thread is closed. Four of the posters I respect very much agree. Maggie.Shall.Zip.It.

Thank you all.
 
Are they going to disown her and stop talking to her over this, or are they having a rough time with it atm?

I feel bad for the girl. It does sound like she needs support in her life. I have read when people are disowned in these situations, it can be really bad for everybody involved. I hope the marriage is strong and healthy, because I hate to see anybody suffer with nobody to turn to.

I hope the family stays a family.
 
SheWolf said:
Are they going to disown her and stop talking to her over this, or are they having a rough time with it atm?

I feel bad for the girl. It does sound like she needs support in her life. I have read when people are disowned in these situations, it can be really bad for everybody involved. I hope the marriage is strong and healthy, because I hate to see anybody suffer with nobody to turn to.

I hope the family stays a family.
Click to expand...

Well, they’ve been invited over to their “mom and dad’s”, but dad, really grandad, doesn’t speak to either of them. I hope the very same thing you do.
 
MaggieD said:
Tom’s second niece, Sandy, was raised by Tom’s sister. Sandy’s grandmother. She’s had nothing but problems because of really bad choices. I equate a lot of them to her having a mom and dad (biological) who were using cocaine and let his mom, Sandy’s grandparents, raise her. Sandy has had two babies. One her grandma adopted to raise. He is is eight years old. The other they arranged an adoption with a family friend.

She’s a mess. Has yet to prove herself. Lost her license to drunk driving for a few years. Trouble holding a job. Piercings. Is fighting alcohol addiction. And picks guys who are horrendous. Anyway, she’s decided over the last six months that she’s gay. She and her girlfriend are getting married on October 13, Friday. I offered to take them to dinner. Congrated them and plan on giving them a wedding card and monetary gift.taking them out to dinner later.

Her grandmother told me she isn’t going. It’s in the face of her Catholic religion. Her grandad, who also raised her, won’t even talk to her though she shows up at family gatherings. Both grandma and grandpa who raised her and adopted one of her children, are very active in the church.

First, I really care about this gal. I think she’s 26, smart as a whip and running out of time. I blame her addiction problems on the Aderol and other drugs she took all thru her childhood.

My question is this. I am tempted to butt in. To tell her grandma the right thing to do is to, at the very least, send them a card and a gift.

Your thoughts?

I’m off the board for an hour or so...
Click to expand...

IMO, you go to the wedding, give them a gift, whatever. But, I certainly would not try to convince grandma and grandpa to get onboard. Odds are they would just ruin the moment. Or send a card with a nasty-gram attached.
 
Be her friend. Leave the rest of her family out of it. When her marriage fails, don't tell I told you so, but do tell her how an adult relationship should work.
 
MaggieD said:
Well, they’ve been invited over to their “mom and dad’s”, but dad, really grandad, doesn’t speak to either of them. I hope the very same thing you do.
Click to expand...

I might stand back and see how it goes, and if the girl needs them or they are disowning her, I might say something and let them know she needs them. I would hope they wouldn't completely stop caring for the girl.
 
MaggieD said:
Tom’s second niece, Sandy, was raised by Tom’s sister. Sandy’s grandmother. She’s had nothing but problems because of really bad choices. I equate a lot of them to her having a mom and dad (biological) who were using cocaine and let his mom, Sandy’s grandparents, raise her. Sandy has had two babies. One her grandma adopted to raise. He is is eight years old. The other they arranged an adoption with a family friend.

She’s a mess. Has yet to prove herself. Lost her license to drunk driving for a few years. Trouble holding a job. Piercings. Is fighting alcohol addiction. And picks guys who are horrendous. Anyway, she’s decided over the last six months that she’s gay. She and her girlfriend are getting married on October 13, Friday. I offered to take them to dinner. Congrated them and plan on giving them a wedding card and monetary gift.taking them out to dinner later.

Her grandmother told me she isn’t going. It’s in the face of her Catholic religion. Her grandad, who also raised her, won’t even talk to her though she shows up at family gatherings. Both grandma and grandpa who raised her and adopted one of her children, are very active in the church.

First, I really care about this gal. I think she’s 26, smart as a whip and running out of time. I blame her addiction problems on the Aderol and other drugs she took all thru her childhood.

My question is this. I am tempted to butt in. To tell her grandma the right thing to do is to, at the very least, send them a card and a gift.

Your thoughts?

I’m off the board for an hour or so...
Click to expand...

Although I agree with you that at least sending a card would be the proper thing to do , sometimes, doing something like that merely raises resentments. I would consider that 'being a busy body'. I would be there for Sandy.. but since you and Tom are no longer together, I would say away from family business as much as possible.
 
RAMOSS said:
Although I agree with you that at least sending a card would be the proper thing to do , sometimes, doing something like that merely raises resentments. I would consider that 'being a busy body'. I would be there for Sandy.. but since you and Tom are no longer together, I would say away from family business as much as possible.
Click to expand...

Also an excellent point. Thank you very much.
 
Right. Well, me? I'd get involved with gramma. :lol: I would be polite about it, but let them know that she is an adult and can make her own decisions, and that she, as her grandmother/mother by proxy, should love her no matter what.

Just because she does something that gramma doesn't agree with because of the church, doesn't mean that she can't still care for her or be by her. Tell gramma if she doesn't believe in gay marriage, to not marry a woman.

Then remind her what Pope Francis says. While he doesn't agree with gay marriage, he said the following regarding it:

Francis stressed that the Church “must be more welcoming, charitable, compassionate and merciful to all people,” including those who are victims of abuse, tragedy and violence, and all those who find it hard to follow Church doctrine to the letter, reported Reuters. But Pope Francis also stressed the “true meaning of the couple and of human sexuality in God’s plan” is marriage between one man and one woman. Francis said the person "who falls or errs must be understood and loved. The Church must search out these persons, welcome and accompany them, for a Church with closed doors betrays herself and her mission, and, instead of being a bridge, becomes a roadblock.”
 
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