Sister-in-law had a miscarriage

She was 6 weeks pregnant, they had heard the heartbeat and she had to get some procedure to have it 'flushed out' This is totally foreign territory to me and everyone i know. Most here don't get pregnant until at least their late 20s. They tell me just assure them they can try again, but i'm not convinced. That seems kind of dismissive of their loss. I know it's been thought the would-be dad doesn't matter in this, but of course he has to help her, and i know my brother was really looking forward to having kids

So yeah how should i handle this?

chromium said:

She was 6 weeks pregnant, they had heard the heartbeat and she had to get some procedure to have it 'flushed out' This is totally foreign territory to me and everyone i know. Most here don't get pregnant until at least their late 20s. They tell me just assure them they can try again, but i'm not convinced. That seems kind of dismissive of their loss. I know it's been thought the would-be dad doesn't matter in this, but of course he has to help her, and i know my brother was really looking forward to having kids

So yeah how should i handle this?

Click to expand...

Distance.

We had a miscarriage years ago and there are no words to help.

Give them space.

chromium said:

She was 6 weeks pregnant, they had heard the heartbeat and she had to get some procedure to have it 'flushed out' This is totally foreign territory to me and everyone i know. Most here don't get pregnant until at least their late 20s. They tell me just assure them they can try again, but i'm not convinced. That seems kind of dismissive of their loss. I know it's been thought the would-be dad doesn't matter in this, but of course he has to help her, and i know my brother was really looking forward to having kids

So yeah how should i handle this?

Click to expand...

I wouldn't personally tell anyone they can "try again". It minimizes/trivializes their grief. And besides you don't know if they can try again... maybe there are physical complications that are unknown...maybe there aren't.

Offer support and sympathy and keep your opinions out of it. If you want to know how to behave think of a dog...they look sad and give lots of love and have no opinions...both potential parents may be feeling a loss..maybe they aren't...just be warm, loving and supportive

that's just me but you asked so...

chromium said:

She was 6 weeks pregnant, they had heard the heartbeat and she had to get some procedure to have it 'flushed out' This is totally foreign territory to me and everyone i know. Most here don't get pregnant until at least their late 20s. They tell me just assure them they can try again, but i'm not convinced. That seems kind of dismissive of their loss. I know it's been thought the would-be dad doesn't matter in this, but of course he has to help her, and i know my brother was really looking forward to having kids

So yeah how should i handle this?

Click to expand...

Say nothing, simply make it known they can come to you for support, if it comes up or seems appropriate.

If they do that, you then sit and practice your active listening. Nothing else. If they need anything else, they'll let you know.

I agree with your inkling that the advice you've been given is dismissive. Being able to "make another one" isn't the point and it makes a lot of assumptions about their feelings that may or may not be true.

In any situation in which there is the potential of someone being in grief, letting them tell you how they feel and what they need is pretty much always the best answer.

They aren't looking for a solution or a bright side. They don't want advice; advice won't undo the thing that happened. Usually they just want to have their feelings and have that acknowledged.

chromium said:

She was 6 weeks pregnant, they had heard the heartbeat and she had to get some procedure to have it 'flushed out' This is totally foreign territory to me and everyone i know. Most here don't get pregnant until at least their late 20s. They tell me just assure them they can try again, but i'm not convinced. That seems kind of dismissive of their loss. I know it's been thought the would-be dad doesn't matter in this, but of course he has to help her, and i know my brother was really looking forward to having kids

So yeah how should i handle this?

Click to expand...

Like others have said, this isn't an "advice" kind of situation. Your brother will let you know if he (or they) need anything.

My wife kind of flipped out when she miscarried. It took her a couple years to become normal again. It's way more traumatic for women than the dude. I was actually surprised that she took it that hard.

calamity said:

My wife kind of flipped out when she miscarried. It took her a couple years to become normal again. It's way more traumatic for women than the dude. I was actually surprised that she took it that hard.

Click to expand...

You understand.

It makes the husband feel helpless.

Mine was pregnant successfully 7 months later.

I worried and suffered fear for the entire pregnancy.

I was more scared for her than me.

chromium said:

She was 6 weeks pregnant, they had heard the heartbeat and she had to get some procedure to have it 'flushed out' This is totally foreign territory to me and everyone i know. Most here don't get pregnant until at least their late 20s. They tell me just assure them they can try again, but i'm not convinced. That seems kind of dismissive of their loss. I know it's been thought the would-be dad doesn't matter in this, but of course he has to help her, and i know my brother was really looking forward to having kids

So yeah how should i handle this?

Click to expand...

Just be generally supportive if they need you to.. Don't reassure them they can try again. They might not be ready to, they might not be able to, and regardless it's a little insensitive. The dad's feelings definitely matter, but speaking from experience, he probably won't take it as hard as she will. Especially that early.

But in general, when my wife had her miscarriages, neither of us wanted to talk to anyone else about it. It was a pretty private thing.

chromium said:

She was 6 weeks pregnant, they had heard the heartbeat and she had to get some procedure to have it 'flushed out' This is totally foreign territory to me and everyone i know. Most here don't get pregnant until at least their late 20s. They tell me just assure them they can try again, but i'm not convinced. That seems kind of dismissive of their loss. I know it's been thought the would-be dad doesn't matter in this, but of course he has to help her, and i know my brother was really looking forward to having kids

So yeah how should i handle this?

Click to expand...

That depends on how your brother and sister-in-law are handling it. If they are grieving and upset, or appear to be in a state of shock, from the loss, tell them you're sorry, it's terrible that happened to them and offer your condolence. I will say, from my personal point of view, the last thing a woman who has miscarried a wanted pregnancy needs to hear is "you can try again". It is well-meaning, but this is not the time.

After expressing your condolence, give them space. Most families suffering such a loss need alone time to process what has happened.

Follow the couple's lead. If either wants to talk about the experience, listen.

I've known women who've had miscarriages who were told that this was a blessing because they baby would probably have been a "monster." Yes.

Telling any parent "You can have another" is cruelly insensitive; children aren't replaceable. Especially with "late miscarriages," mothers experience the loss of their child, but well-meaning people too often trivialize this as "just" a miscarriage.

The "Don't's" here are excellent points: Helping Someone After a Miscarriage - do's, don'ts, things to say & not say

Reach out to your brother, something like "Hey I heard that XXXX miscarried, I am so sorry, if there is anything I can do".....then dont ever talk about it again unless one of them brings it up. Your brother should tell sister in law that you reached out, and they will appreciate it.

I should've mentioned too i heard about it 3rd hand. So it was like this is not my business and i don't have any sage wisdom to give, but i have to do something or it will seem like i'm a huge asshole.

So far i left a message and sent a card "I heard about your terrible loss. If you ever want to talk, I'm here. If not i understand" So far no response

Next time i see them will be at a comedy thing, so that might be awkward and i will definitely not bring that up. Anyway, thanks for the advice