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A skitdtish mature cat. How can i get her to warm up and not be afraid?

RetiredNSmilin

RetiredNSmilin

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I recently acquired a mature cat to be a companion for my little friend marmalade that has been with me 11 years now.
I did have a kitten for him, but as she grew, she kept running out to the jungle behind the house, and one day she never came back.
After a grieving period, we decided to get a mature cat who would not want to run and jump like our beloved Crystal did.

We got a Maine Coon who is 7 but is very skittish. I feel she was abused at some point by her behavior to other cats.
Marmalade is as mellow as they come and just wants to be her friend.
She on the other hand, hisses when he gets too close, and prefers to spend her time away in the spare bedroom.

It has gotten a bit better in that she can now lay in a box in the living room with us, and occasional will touch noses with him.

The rub is, my wife will be heading away fro about a week and I will be the one solely responsible to helping her feel better around the house.

I do not want to make things worse for her, so any advice will be treated as golden.

Thank you all.
 
They'll eventually warm up to each other. Cats can be very territorial. Honestly, best I can tell you is just to give it time. Obviously, make sure they don't kill each other in the meantime (they won't), but once each one realizes the other isn't a threat to their food or safety, they'll bond.

If you give your cats treats, a good way to let them know they're on equal footing is to treat them at the same time. That way they see the other getting a treat and realize that you are into both of them.
 
Kobie said:
They'll eventually warm up to each other. Cats can be very territorial. Honestly, best I can tell you is just to give it time. Obviously, make sure they don't kill each other in the meantime (they won't), but once each one realizes the other isn't a threat to their food or safety, they'll bond.

If you give your cats treats, a good way to let them know they're on equal footing is to treat them at the same time. That way they see the other getting a treat and realize that you are into both of them.
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I don't know about that I had a couple of cats that just never did. They were both youngish when I got them and they just never found a way to get along. After about 5 years one went outside and never came back I don't if it just ran away or got eaten.
 
Crovax said:
I don't know about that I had a couple of cats that just never did. They were both youngish when I got them and they just never found a way to get along. After about 5 years one went outside and never came back I don't if it just ran away or got eaten.
Click to expand...

Some can be standoffish, at best, but most will at least find a way to coexist. I don't like doing the outdoor cat thing, so that may have something to do with it. I had to scrape way too many barn cats' guts off the road in front of my house growing up to EVER let a cat I own go outside.
 
RetiredNSmilin said:
I recently acquired a mature cat to be a companion for my little friend marmalade that has been with me 11 years now.
I did have a kitten for him, but as she grew, she kept running out to the jungle behind the house, and one day she never came back.
After a grieving period, we decided to get a mature cat who would not want to run and jump like our beloved Crystal did.

We got a Maine Coon who is 7 but is very skittish. I feel she was abused at some point by her behavior to other cats.
Marmalade is as mellow as they come and just wants to be her friend.
She on the other hand, hisses when he gets too close, and prefers to spend her time away in the spare bedroom.

It has gotten a bit better in that she can now lay in a box in the living room with us, and occasional will touch noses with him.

The rub is, my wife will be heading away fro about a week and I will be the one solely responsible to helping her feel better around the house.

I do not want to make things worse for her, so any advice will be treated as golden.

Thank you all.
Click to expand...

If the cat decides it likes you, it will become more and more friendly. But usually a cat used to being on its own stays that way more or less. at least that is our experience. Our's will come by for a bit of scratch my back, but does not stay in the house longer than a few minutes, unless it is cold and raining.
 
Crovax said:
I don't know about that I had a couple of cats that just never did. They were both youngish when I got them and they just never found a way to get along. After about 5 years one went outside and never came back I don't if it just ran away or got eaten.
Click to expand...

Very similar story.

The family had adopted a stray, and years later got a kitten. The kitten ended up terrorizing the stray, and eventually the stray vanished. (They were both indoor/outdoor)
 
Kobie said:
They'll eventually warm up to each other. Cats can be very territorial. Honestly, best I can tell you is just to give it time. Obviously, make sure they don't kill each other in the meantime (they won't), but once each one realizes the other isn't a threat to their food or safety, they'll bond.

If you give your cats treats, a good way to let them know they're on equal footing is to treat them at the same time. That way they see the other getting a treat and realize that you are into both of them.
Click to expand...

That is a good idea. Give them both treats at the same time and let them see each other getting them.
Thanks.
 
Kobie said:
Some can be standoffish, at best, but most will at least find a way to coexist. I don't like doing the outdoor cat thing, so that may have something to do with it. I had to scrape way too many barn cats' guts off the road in front of my house growing up to EVER let a cat I own go outside.
Click to expand...

I feel you.
It was that way with my first house in Nebraska too.
 
we had 2 cats a while back, both neutered males....when they started fighting, and didn't stop when I yelled at them, I threw both of them into the pool.
after that, the younger and smarter cat would stop even if he was still getting beat up. He learned fast.
older and dumber cat had to go into the pool about once a year after that.
 
RetiredNSmilin said:
I recently acquired a mature cat to be a companion for my little friend marmalade that has been with me 11 years now.
I did have a kitten for him, but as she grew, she kept running out to the jungle behind the house, and one day she never came back.
After a grieving period, we decided to get a mature cat who would not want to run and jump like our beloved Crystal did.

We got a Maine Coon who is 7 but is very skittish. I feel she was abused at some point by her behavior to other cats.
Marmalade is as mellow as they come and just wants to be her friend.
She on the other hand, hisses when he gets too close, and prefers to spend her time away in the spare bedroom.

It has gotten a bit better in that she can now lay in a box in the living room with us, and occasional will touch noses with him.

The rub is, my wife will be heading away fro about a week and I will be the one solely responsible to helping her feel better around the house.

I do not want to make things worse for her, so any advice will be treated as golden.

Thank you all.
Click to expand...

Cats are very much as individual personalities as people and though of course a cat is ultimately a cat with cat instincts and characteristics, they can be very different. It sounds as if the thaw has begun if they are touching noses. I would just stay on the course you are on--don't try to force anything and allow nature to take its course. There are anti-social cats just like anti-social dogs and anti-social people who never warm up to the people they have to share space with, but those are fairly rare. I would guess your two felines may not ever be cuddle buddies--though you never know--but that they are already tolerating each other very well and could become friends.
 
I agree. My cat population tripled several months ago, sigh, and if these kitties are touching noses (before hissing and air-slapping), this is a good sign.

Three of my daughter's four are mainly well integrated now, including getting along fine with the dog. But one is a weirdo who refuses to associate with any of the others, much less with mine. She stays at the back of the house and only slips out to eat.

One of mine was damaged by anesthesia--had strokes--and since then has been solitary and strange. She has met the new solitary cat in the middle of the night at the food bowl a couple of times, and it hasn't been pretty. They aren't going to bond.
 
AlbqOwl said:
Cats are very much as individual personalities as people and though of course a cat is ultimately a cat with cat instincts and characteristics, they can be very different. It sounds as if the thaw has begun if they are touching noses. I would just stay on the course you are on--don't try to force anything and allow nature to take its course. There are anti-social cats just like anti-social dogs and anti-social people who never warm up to the people they have to share space with, but those are fairly rare. I would guess your two felines may not ever be cuddle buddies--though you never know--but that they are already tolerating each other very well and could become friends.
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Possibly, but she still is hissing from time to time.
I think while the wife is gone, I will get a third mature cat to be a cuddle buddy to marmalade. This one is not cutting it, and I do not think she ever will.

As you said, some are just plain anti-social. Marmalade is the most easy going cat there ever was. If she will not warm up to him, she will never warm up at all. I named him Marmalade because he is orange and super sweet. He would be sweeter if he would quit taking over my $230 leather office chair.

001.jpg
 
RetiredNSmilin said:
Possibly, but she still is hissing from time to time.
I think while the wife is gone, I will get a third mature cat to be a cuddle buddy to marmalade. This one is not cutting it, and I do not think she ever will.

As you said, some are just plain anti-social. Marmalade is the most easy going cat there ever was. If she will not warm up to him, she will never warm up at all. I named him Marmalade because he is orange and super sweet. He would be sweeter if he would quit taking over my $230 leather office chair.

View attachment 67211307
Click to expand...

LOL. But he is adorable and I can see that's why he merits that chair. :)
 
RetiredNSmilin said:
I recently acquired a mature cat to be a companion for my little friend marmalade that has been with me 11 years now.
I did have a kitten for him, but as she grew, she kept running out to the jungle behind the house, and one day she never came back.
After a grieving period, we decided to get a mature cat who would not want to run and jump like our beloved Crystal did.

We got a Maine Coon who is 7 but is very skittish. I feel she was abused at some point by her behavior to other cats.
Marmalade is as mellow as they come and just wants to be her friend.
She on the other hand, hisses when he gets too close, and prefers to spend her time away in the spare bedroom.

It has gotten a bit better in that she can now lay in a box in the living room with us, and occasional will touch noses with him.

The rub is, my wife will be heading away fro about a week and I will be the one solely responsible to helping her feel better around the house.

I do not want to make things worse for her, so any advice will be treated as golden.

Thank you all.
Click to expand...

Time, time, time, and gentle presence...

Do not stare at kitty. That is confrontational. Ever wonder why cats love the one person who hates cats? Because they look away, in the hopes of the cat reading this as disinterest. But to a cat who is somewhat new to you, or not very trusting, avoiding eye contact is actually a sign of respect. Only humans who are already good friends are allowed to stare.

Give kitty height. Encourage her to ditch that low-dwelling box and get on top of, like, a cat tree, or padding a little box on a desk or something. High places allow cats to feel more secure without feeling like they need to have their body hidden and increases confidence. That higher, less covered position lets them see more of daily life in the house, and lets you get a little closer to them without them feeling like they need to bail.

If you don't have two litter boxes, get another one. If you have two, try three. Really. They will probably establish one box each that is "theirs." This is important to a skittish cat.

Never force affection. Just let her be until she's near enough to pet without you really having to move. They know humans give pets -- if they want them, they'll come find them.

I think stuff's going well, as far as how new kitty is getting on with older kitty. They're not killing each other. That's good, for a pair of older cats, one of whom is a bit fiesty. ;) A hiss is not outrightly aggressive. It's actually more of, "Look dude, I don't want trouble. Just stay over there." Hissing isn't a big deal. The nose-touching and lack of actual attacks is good. Even if new kitty has a hard time letting her guard down, they seem to be at least communicating their intentions to each other fairly well. Kitties making solid friends can take a very long time -- months, or even longer in some cases. For them to already have a fairly neutral relationship is actually pretty good, considering their ages.

And thank you for adopting an adult cat with a troubled past. Those animals often never find homes.
 
RetiredNSmilin said:
Possibly, but she still is hissing from time to time.
I think while the wife is gone, I will get a third mature cat to be a cuddle buddy to marmalade. This one is not cutting it, and I do not think she ever will.

As you said, some are just plain anti-social. Marmalade is the most easy going cat there ever was. If she will not warm up to him, she will never warm up at all. I named him Marmalade because he is orange and super sweet. He would be sweeter if he would quit taking over my $230 leather office chair.
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Aw, I don't think she's anti-social at all. She's very social!

She communicates. She is slowly trying to integrate into daily life by hanging out in social centers (the living room). She's trying to make friends.

That's not an anti-social cat. A real anti-social cat -- like a feral or something -- would never come out at all. You'd never see them. The food would just disappear in the night, and they'd avoid you the rest of the time.

She's been abused. It's going to take time. But that doesn't mean she'll be like this forever.

She probably won't be quite as chill as Marmalade. Marmalade has the advantage of having never known abuse, and will always be more relaxed, just like well-reared people tend to be more relaxed than people who grew up with abuse. It's no different.

I have a previously abused cat, and she still twitches at any unexpected noise. But she also follows me around everywhere, gets into bed with me, rubs up on my legs and lays in my lap. It just took time.

Don't give up on her just because she's scared.
 
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SmokeAndMirrors said:
Time, time, time, and gentle presence...

Do not stare at kitty. That is confrontational. Ever wonder why cats love the one person who hates cats? Because they look away, in the hopes of the cat reading this as disinterest. But to a cat who is somewhat new to you, or not very trusting, avoiding eye contact is actually a sign of respect. Only humans who are already good friends are allowed to stare.

Give kitty height. Encourage her to ditch that low-dwelling box and get on top of, like, a cat tree, or padding a little box on a desk or something. High places allow cats to feel more secure without feeling like they need to have their body hidden and increases confidence. That higher, less covered position lets them see more of daily life in the house, and lets you get a little closer to them without them feeling like they need to bail.

If you don't have two litter boxes, get another one. If you have two, try three. Really. They will probably establish one box each that is "theirs." This is important to a skittish cat.

Never force affection. Just let her be until she's near enough to pet without you really having to move. They know humans give pets -- if they want them, they'll come find them.

I think stuff's going well, as far as how new kitty is getting on with older kitty. They're not killing each other. That's good, for a pair of older cats, one of whom is a bit fiesty. ;) A hiss is not outrightly aggressive. It's actually more of, "Look dude, I don't want trouble. Just stay over there." Hissing isn't a big deal. The nose-touching and lack of actual attacks is good. Even if new kitty has a hard time letting her guard down, they seem to be at least communicating their intentions to each other fairly well. Kitties making solid friends can take a very long time -- months, or even longer in some cases. For them to already have a fairly neutral relationship is actually pretty good, considering their ages.

And thank you for adopting an adult cat with a troubled past. Those animals often never find homes.
Click to expand...

SmokeAndMirrors said:
Aw, I don't think she's anti-social at all. She's very social!

She communicates. She is slowly trying to integrate into daily life by hanging out in social centers (the living room). She's trying to make friends.

That's not an anti-social cat. A real anti-social cat -- like a feral or something -- would never come out at all. You'd never see them. The food would just disappear in the night, and they'd avoid you the rest of the time.

She's been abused. It's going to take time. But that doesn't mean she'll be like this forever.

She probably won't be quite as chill as Marmalade. Marmalade has the advantage of having never known abuse, and will always be more relaxed, just like well-reared people tend to be more relaxed than people who grew up with abuse. It's no different.

I have a previously abused cat, and she still twitches at any unexpected noise. But she also follows me around everywhere, gets into bed with me, rubs up on my legs and lays in my lap. It just took time.

Don't give up on her just because she's scared.
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I did everything you suggested.
1. Got a $140 Kitty tree that she loves. I put it next to a window and she likes to lay on the very top platform when the sun comes in in the morning. Today I saw her on the window sill too. They both like it, but only at separate times. Wonderful suggestion.
2. She came with her own litter box, but an extra one to make three total is a no with the wife. She said the smell of two is bad enough. We just had a cold snap blow through and marmalade poops inside now until it gets warmer.
3. Thank you for the compliment to me about adopting an adult abused kitty. I kinda feel sorry for her, and so far everything seems to be OK.
 
RetiredNSmilin said:
I recently acquired a mature cat to be a companion for my little friend marmalade that has been with me 11 years now.
I did have a kitten for him, but as she grew, she kept running out to the jungle behind the house, and one day she never came back.
After a grieving period, we decided to get a mature cat who would not want to run and jump like our beloved Crystal did.

We got a Maine Coon who is 7 but is very skittish. I feel she was abused at some point by her behavior to other cats.
Marmalade is as mellow as they come and just wants to be her friend.
She on the other hand, hisses when he gets too close, and prefers to spend her time away in the spare bedroom.

It has gotten a bit better in that she can now lay in a box in the living room with us, and occasional will touch noses with him.

The rub is, my wife will be heading away fro about a week and I will be the one solely responsible to helping her feel better around the house.

I do not want to make things worse for her, so any advice will be treated as golden.

Thank you all.
Click to expand...

Get them a pound of catnip and some zigzags, and put afroman colt 45 on repeat, those cats will get along eventually.
 
RetiredNSmilin said:
I recently acquired a mature cat to be a companion for my little friend marmalade that has been with me 11 years now.
I did have a kitten for him, but as she grew, she kept running out to the jungle behind the house, and one day she never came back.
After a grieving period, we decided to get a mature cat who would not want to run and jump like our beloved Crystal did.

We got a Maine Coon who is 7 but is very skittish. I feel she was abused at some point by her behavior to other cats.
Marmalade is as mellow as they come and just wants to be her friend.
She on the other hand, hisses when he gets too close, and prefers to spend her time away in the spare bedroom.

It has gotten a bit better in that she can now lay in a box in the living room with us, and occasional will touch noses with him.

The rub is, my wife will be heading away fro about a week and I will be the one solely responsible to helping her feel better around the house.

I do not want to make things worse for her, so any advice will be treated as golden.

Thank you all.
Click to expand...

Leave her be unless she comes to you for a pet. Don't know how long you've had her, but cats can take quite a while to warm up to each other. They'll become friends in their own time.
 
MaggieD said:
Leave her be unless she comes to you for a pet. Don't know how long you've had her, but cats can take quite a while to warm up to each other. They'll become friends in their own time.
Click to expand...

Yes, that is what I am doing. She seems quite happy to stay in the kitty room while Marmalade is always near me.
She will decide when she feels safe enough to come out.
Right now the times she does come out, she walks real slow and calculated with each step.
I go in the kitty room and pet her a lot so she knows I will not harm her in any way.
 
RetiredNSmilin said:
Yes, that is what I am doing. She seems quite happy to stay in the kitty room while Marmalade is always near me.
She will decide when she feels safe enough to come out.
Right now the times she does come out, she walks real slow and calculated with each step.
I go in the kitty room and pet her a lot so she knows I will not harm her in any way.
Click to expand...

Our youngest kitty just joined us (feral) maybe six weeks ago. She's fine with Bob-Bob, our female cat. They play all night long. But Shorty Pants, our 8-year-old male, wants nothing to do with her, so she gives him a wide berth. They're better together than they were, though, so I think it's just a matter of time

I understand about her walking really slow. Our newbie does that around Shorty as well. Must be cat talk. Ha!
 
MaggieD said:
Our youngest kitty just joined us (feral) maybe six weeks ago. She's fine with Bob-Bob, our female cat. They play all night long. But Shorty Pants, our 8-year-old male, wants nothing to do with her, so she gives him a wide berth. They're better together than they were, though, so I think it's just a matter of time

I understand about her walking really slow. Our newbie does that around Shorty as well. Must be cat talk. Ha!
Click to expand...

I guess that slow creep is cat talk. It is like she is in slow motion.
Tomorrow I plan to go to the kitty room and pet her some more, about twice as much as I have been.
Everything in its due time.
 
PROGRESS !!!

Today she came out creeped around for a bit, then hopped up on the coffee table, and walked over and across my lap.
I think i hit in her issue. She does not like MEN.
yesterday I lady friend of mine came to visit, and she came out as soon as she heard her voice.
Went right up to her and purred.
So, like a few members here, she just hates MEN in general, no matter how nice they are, or behave.
At best she gives men an arrogant dismissal.
Of course, this also sums up most cats in general.
At most they give us humans an arrogant dismissal.
 
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RetiredNSmilin said:
PROGRESS !!!

Today she came out creeped around for a bit, then hopped up on the coffee table, and walked over and across my lap.
I think i hit in her issue. She does not like MEN.
yesterday I lady friend of mine came to visit, and she came out as soon as she heard her voice.
Went right up to her and purred.
So, like a few members here, she just hates MEN in general, no matter how nice they are, or behave.
At best she gives men an arrogant dismissal.
Of course, this also sums up most cats in general.
At most they give us humans an arrogant dismissal.
Click to expand...

How does the feeding go with this cat?

Both my cats are social with me because I control the food.

I have never really had a stand offish cat as they all want to be fed.

I have two right now. Sometimes the get along and sometimes they don't. That is between, but maybe that is enough for them?

I think we push our ideas too much on them. Maybe your first cat doesn't want a playmate.
 
RetiredNSmilin said:
Yes, that is what I am doing. She seems quite happy to stay in the kitty room while Marmalade is always near me.
She will decide when she feels safe enough to come out.
Right now the times she does come out, she walks real slow and calculated with each step.
I go in the kitty room and pet her a lot so she knows I will not harm her in any way.
Click to expand...

I think you are doing it just right. When our female Siamese kept finding boy friends and produced a variety of mixed breed kittens--this was before people routinely had their cats spayed or neutered and we always found good homes for all--we decided she might as well have pure bred Siamese kittens that we could sell. So she was about 2-1/2 years old when we brought the 8-wk-old Siamese tom home. And she immediately seemed intended to dispatch him to cat heaven. Since we didn't know for sure her intentions we didn't take a chance. I put a harness and leash or her to restrain her until she finally stopped hissing and striking at the little one who definitely wanted to be friends.

The next thing I knew she had her last litter of mixed breed kittens and was nursing our big lug of a tom kitten right along with them. They became the best of friends and made a lot of beautiful kittens together until I figured she had had enough and had them both fixed.

Sometimes it just takes time.
 
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