My parents converted to catholicism when I was about 10 years old. They felt it was their duty to have me baptized. But in order to do that I had to first be confirmed through catechism classes. In these classes the teachers explained what catholics believe. Under duress from my parents I made sure that I said all the magic words and played along. But then came the day of my confirmation. I had to stand in front of the church and agree to follow catholicism. I didn't realize then what a sham it all was. So naturally I became devoted to the chuch. When I turned 18 i was 6 months from graduating high school. I decided to attend Wyotech for their diesel program. While away, I only ever attended church when my parents came to visit. I met a young man that really seemed to like me. Up until this point I never gave into my sexual proclivities. I don't think he did either. After a six mouth emotional roller coaster ride that a first relationship is, I finished up my remaining class and returned home to lick my wounds. Hoping that relationship has ridden me of any desires for the same sex. But once my heart had healed my eyes started catching handsome young men again. I was told devoting myself to my religon would help. Being 22 and new to my career field i gave it a shot though after a few weeks the desires returned. I was encouraged to date some women. I was told that if I had some experiences with ladies that were good I would stop feeling this way about men. After dating women with no luck, it only made me long for a relationship with a man more. Women don't love like men do. After a few rocky relationships with a couple women, I felt like I was manipulating them and using them for my own selfishness. I couldn't live with myself. So I either had to accept it or be celibate. I tried celibacy for a while, up until I met someone. It was a couple months. And I started spending more and more time worth this someone and it felt good, like it worked very well. And then we kissed. I all the sudden felt immense guilt having walked away from the church I didn't really get why. I dodged his calls. Unroll one day I listened to a voice mail from him. Where he admitted to loving me. So I had to come out. I gathered my resolve and just did it. My parents were a bit iffy about it, but nobody else really cared.
But I still had this guilt gnawing at me, causing me to lose sleep. It had to be adressed. After opening up to my partner he said it like it was the simplest thing in the world (Because it was) I just didn't want to let go of this religon I worked so hard to be part of but it became a millstone around my neck.
It's taken a couple of years to server that connection. But more and more I see religion's ugliness and hatefulness. I gave them a number of years, missed out on a lot of life and they just turned their back on me at every corner.
I can't say I'm atheist, i likely never will be. The idea of a God was far too deeply ingrained in me to likely ever let it go. But I've no connecting to religion at this point and the more I question it the weaker is frameworks are.
I don't intend this to insult religious people out there, and frankly you shouldn't be. It's all really my perspective. And you have likely never been at odds with it.
But why is it so important to indoctrinate children? If it was truth it would not need to be force fed and programed into children to the extent that it is? Right?
