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Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

  • No, it's a legitimate question.

    Votes: 26 89.7%

  • Yes, the abused reasons are their own, and nothing... not even continuing... is their fault.

    Votes: 1 3.4%

  • Other.

    Votes: 2 6.9%
  • Total voters
    29
radcen

radcen

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Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

It can apply to many scenarios, but I'll use the recent Ray/Janay Rice incident as that is still current news.

It is not uncommon for people to point out or ask why the abused person (usually the woman, but not always) stays with their abuser. I have seen several instances where the person making that point was chastised for "blaming the victim". I presume that goes on the assumption that any reason they do is justified in their own mind, and ALL the fault lies on the abuser.

Is asking the question "blaming the victim"?

I do not condone abuse in any way, shape, or form, and there is no excuse for it, but it seems to me that that is indeed a legitimate question. One can delve deeper and find out *why* they stay, and take that knowledge to encourage them to take action and escape, and that's what I think the true purpose behind asking why they stay is aimed at.
 
radcen said:
Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

It can apply to many scenarios, but I'll use the recent Ray/Janay Rice incident as that is still current news.

It is not uncommon for people to point out or ask why the abused person (usually the woman, but not always) stays with their abuser. I have seen several instances where the person making that point was chastised for "blaming the victim". I presume that goes on the assumption that any reason they do is justified in their own mind, and ALL the fault lies on the abuser.

Is asking the question "blaming the victim"?

I do not condone abuse in any way, shape, or form, and there is no excuse for it, but it seems to me that that is indeed a legitimate question. One can delve deeper and find out *why* they stay, and take that knowledge to encourage them to take action and escape, and that's what I think the true purpose behind asking why they stay is aimed at.
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I picked other. I think most of these spousal abuse victims have some sort of mental problems similar to stockholm syndrome and or some stay with their abusers out of fear. Its why all states should have a no-drop policy when police respond to domestic abuse and prosecute all domestic abuse calls regardless if the victim does or does not drop charges.
 
radcen said:
Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

It can apply to many scenarios, but I'll use the recent Ray/Janay Rice incident as that is still current news.

It is not uncommon for people to point out or ask why the abused person (usually the woman, but not always) stays with their abuser. I have seen several instances where the person making that point was chastised for "blaming the victim". I presume that goes on the assumption that any reason they do is justified in their own mind, and ALL the fault lies on the abuser.

Is asking the question "blaming the victim"?

I do not condone abuse in any way, shape, or form, and there is no excuse for it, but it seems to me that that is indeed a legitimate question. One can delve deeper and find out *why* they stay, and take that knowledge to encourage them to take action and escape, and that's what I think the true purpose behind asking why they stay is aimed at.
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I know myself, when I grow up these things will end in two ways.

I respect the woman when she doesn't whine about her abuse despite not doing anything about it.

She whines about her abuse and then I ask her why the hell she is staying with the guy (mostly out of being annoyed).

I'm a cold hearted PoS sometimes. Don't annoy me with reparable problems I guess.
 
It's a legitimate question to see where their heads at. I've had friends that couldn't leave due to finances, but once family let them come home, or their money was right, they left. I can understand that situation. If the woman doesn't have kids and or has a job, I can't understand it!
 
herenow1 said:
It's a legitimate question to see where their heads at. I've had friends that couldn't leave due to finances, but once family let them come home, or their money was right, they left. I can understand that situation. If the woman doesn't have kids and or has a job, I can't understand it!
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Shouldn't have had kids with an abusive husband?

I still cannot see why the woman shouldn't be blamed (and of course the husband in jail but that's a different and much clearer debate), in one situation she refuses to leave for god knows why in the other situation she had kids with an asshole for god knows why.
 
radcen said:
Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

It can apply to many scenarios, but I'll use the recent Ray/Janay Rice incident as that is still current news.

It is not uncommon for people to point out or ask why the abused person (usually the woman, but not always) stays with their abuser. I have seen several instances where the person making that point was chastised for "blaming the victim". I presume that goes on the assumption that any reason they do is justified in their own mind, and ALL the fault lies on the abuser.

Is asking the question "blaming the victim"?

I do not condone abuse in any way, shape, or form, and there is no excuse for it, but it seems to me that that is indeed a legitimate question. One can delve deeper and find out *why* they stay, and take that knowledge to encourage them to take action and escape, and that's what I think the true purpose behind asking why they stay is aimed at.
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It depends on if the questioner places the blame on the victim because they didn't leave, or if they are genuinely curious about the psychology and economics of abuse victims

Usually, it's the former

Luftwaffe said:
Shouldn't have had kids with an abusive husband?


I still cannot see why the woman shouldn't be blamed (and of course the husband in jail but that's a different and much clearer debate), in one situation she refuses to leave for god knows why in the other situation she had kids with an asshole for god knows why.
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case in point
 
Luftwaffe said:
Shouldn't have had kids with an abusive husband?

I still cannot see why the woman shouldn't be blamed (and of course the husband in jail but that's a different and much clearer debate), in one situation she refuses to leave for god knows why in the other situation she had kids with an asshole for god knows why.
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Sometimes the abuse starts off small( push or a shove) or after the kid(s) is born. Some men don't handle coming in second place well. Btw, have you ever had a friend or know of someone who's been hit by their SO?
 
herenow1 said:
Sometimes the abuse starts off small( push or a shove) or after the kid(s) is born. Some men don't handle coming in second place well. Btw, have you ever had a friend or know of someone who's been hit by their SO?
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better yet, family.
 
Asking a question =/= blame.
 
radcen said:
Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

It can apply to many scenarios, but I'll use the recent Ray/Janay Rice incident as that is still current news.

It is not uncommon for people to point out or ask why the abused person (usually the woman, but not always) stays with their abuser. I have seen several instances where the person making that point was chastised for "blaming the victim". I presume that goes on the assumption that any reason they do is justified in their own mind, and ALL the fault lies on the abuser.

Is asking the question "blaming the victim"?

I do not condone abuse in any way, shape, or form, and there is no excuse for it, but it seems to me that that is indeed a legitimate question. One can delve deeper and find out *why* they stay, and take that knowledge to encourage them to take action and escape, and that's what I think the true purpose behind asking why they stay is aimed at.
Click to expand...

In my view, it's clearly a legitimate question. It confronts the woman with a reality that many such women avoid and those around her avoid approaching. To me, it's no different than asking a smoker why he/she keeps smoking - or asking a gambler why he/she keeps gambling to excess - or asking a heavy drinker why they keep drinking to excess - or an overweight person why they keep eating to excess. In all of these cases, in my view, the person has avoided the reality of their circumstances and in effect needs a form of intervention to shock them into their own reality - you can't hope to change or mitigate a behaviour unless the person first admits to the problem.
 
sangha said:
"How could anyone make such a ridiculous claim?"
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While posed as a question, with a question mark the end, that is more of a statement, rather than a question.
 
KevinKohler said:
While posed as a question, with a question mark the end, that is more of a statement, rather than a question.
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And "Why would a woman stay with a man who is abusing them?" can also be more of a statement. I'm glad you can recognize that statements can be posed as questions.

That was *my* point
 
Luftwaffe said:
Shouldn't have had kids with an abusive husband?

I still cannot see why the woman shouldn't be blamed (and of course the husband in jail but that's a different and much clearer debate), in one situation she refuses to leave for god knows why in the other situation she had kids with an asshole for god knows why.
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There are many reasons and until you experience something like that you have no idea what you are talking about...
 
Bodhisattva said:
There are many reasons and until you experience something like that you have no idea what you are talking about...
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I don't.

But I know myself, my opinion won't change on this, I will never see the point as I see nothing but a woman to blame.
 
sangha said:
And "Why would a woman stay with a man who is abusing them?" can also be more of a statement. I'm glad you can recognize that statements can be posed as questions.

That was *my* point
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Oh yeah, I got your point.


It clarifies the inherent weakness of the WRITTEN word, as opposed to spoken.

Inflection goes a long way. I interpret the OP as posing this question in an honest, genuine attempt at understanding, not an accusation with a question mark at the end.

Questions, REAL questions, asked in earnest, are NOT accusations.
 
herenow1 said:
Sometimes the abuse starts off small( push or a shove) or after the kid(s) is born. Some men don't handle coming in second place well. Btw, have you ever had a friend or know of someone who's been hit by their SO?
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... and it happens to me almost just as often as it happens to women.
 
Luftwaffe said:
I don't.

But I know myself, my opinion won't change on this, I will never see the point as I see nothing but a woman to blame.
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Opinions change with experience... that is something that experience teaches you.
 
radcen said:
Is asking the question "blaming the victim"?

I do not condone abuse in any way, shape, or form, and there is no excuse for it, but it seems to me that that is indeed a legitimate question. One can delve deeper and find out *why* they stay, and take that knowledge to encourage them to take action and escape, and that's what I think the true purpose behind asking why they stay is aimed at.
Click to expand...

No, it isn't blaming the victim. It's a legitimate question, and in some cases may even prompt the victim to ask the same of herself (or himself). Some people never even consider that what they are doing may be kind of screwed up, especially if they came from a childhood home where abuse was commonplace.
 
Bodhisattva said:
Yes... maybe not as many men stay with the abuser but it is close...
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Gotcha. Didn't you say you saw your mom get beat as well? If so... Time to break that cycle!
 
herenow1 said:
Gotcha. Didn't you say you saw your mom get beat as well? If so... Time to break that cycle!
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Close... I was the one abused by my wife. I stayed because I thought that I could help her and because we had kids. It ended when she cheated on me and as that was the last straw.

I have been out for 4 years now but she still is abusive and once attacked me, abused our children and is an emotional and psychological ruin.
 
Luftwaffe said:
I won't change in this regard. Too arrogant to do so.
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That is the interesting thing about experience... you don't know what will change you and what wont. Enjoy the ride...
 
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