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Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

  • No, it's a legitimate question.

    Votes: 26 89.7%

  • Yes, the abused reasons are their own, and nothing... not even continuing... is their fault.

    Votes: 1 3.4%

  • Other.

    Votes: 2 6.9%
  • Total voters
    29
Bodhisattva said:
Close... I was the one abused by my wife. I stayed because I thought that I could help her and because we had kids. It ended when she cheated on me and as that was the last straw.

I have been out for 4 years now but she still is abusive and once attacked me, abused our children and is an emotional and psychological ruin.
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I really hope you have custody of your kids!!
 
herenow1 said:
I really hope you have custody of your kids!!
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Thanks... Shared Care close to 50/50. I would have to take her to Court again for Full Custody. After I called Child Services on her she freaked and hasn't laid a hand on them since. Since she is Borderline Personality Disorder she doesn't think that she has a problem and is getting into another marriage and has a kid with that man, who I tried to warn but would have none of it as she is so believable with her web of deceit. In a few more years the girls will be old enough to decide, legally, where they want to live (14 here) and they will be with me more, I am sure.
 
radcen said:
Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

It can apply to many scenarios, but I'll use the recent Ray/Janay Rice incident as that is still current news.

It is not uncommon for people to point out or ask why the abused person (usually the woman, but not always) stays with their abuser. I have seen several instances where the person making that point was chastised for "blaming the victim". I presume that goes on the assumption that any reason they do is justified in their own mind, and ALL the fault lies on the abuser.

Is asking the question "blaming the victim"?

I do not condone abuse in any way, shape, or form, and there is no excuse for it, but it seems to me that that is indeed a legitimate question. One can delve deeper and find out *why* they stay, and take that knowledge to encourage them to take action and escape, and that's what I think the true purpose behind asking why they stay is aimed at.
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It's not blaming the victim for bad behavior of an abuser, it's blaming a person for remaining with abusers.
 
Bodhisattva said:
Close... I was the one abused by my wife. I stayed because I thought that I could help her and because we had kids. It ended when she cheated on me and as that was the last straw.

I have been out for 4 years now but she still is abusive and once attacked me, abused our children and is an emotional and psychological ruin.
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I'm glad you are out of that situation. Please tell me she does not have custody of the children!
 
radcen said:
Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

It can apply to many scenarios, but I'll use the recent Ray/Janay Rice incident as that is still current news.

It is not uncommon for people to point out or ask why the abused person (usually the woman, but not always) stays with their abuser. I have seen several instances where the person making that point was chastised for "blaming the victim". I presume that goes on the assumption that any reason they do is justified in their own mind, and ALL the fault lies on the abuser.

Is asking the question "blaming the victim"?

I do not condone abuse in any way, shape, or form, and there is no excuse for it, but it seems to me that that is indeed a legitimate question. One can delve deeper and find out *why* they stay, and take that knowledge to encourage them to take action and escape, and that's what I think the true purpose behind asking why they stay is aimed at.
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What's wrong with blaming the victim for allowing herself to stay a victim? Sounds like a logical conclusion to me. If I bang my head against the wall, and give myself a black eye, are you blaming the victim if you tell me I'm stupid not to stop doing that?

The abused woman who continues to stay in that kind of relationship (at her own expense and, many (if not most) times at the expense of her children) is just as much in need of help as her abuser. Maybe more.

"Why do you stay with him?" is an important question to insist an abused woman reflect on. If that's blaming her? So be it.
 
I have seen a lot of women in domestic violence situations. Trying to understand why women stay is not wrong, but you have to open to hearing their reasoning. Some reasoning is more understandable than others. Mostly, I think a lot of women are scared to leave and don't see a opportunity to do so. If the man is really possessive and controlling, she may not have money of her own or a safe place to go. If she has young children, then that complicates the situation even more.

I have done volunteer work at women's organizations, and I have seen plenty women try to save money and research a safe place to go. They tended to plan for a few months before actually taking the steps to get out for good. The safest way to get out, is to leave when he isn't home, and try to make sure he will not be able to follow or find you.

That takes a lot of planning and reorganizing your life. You have to get a different phone, change numbers, find a lawyer, etc., It's super stressful, and when a child is involved, it's even more stressful and scary. Some women stay because they are afraid of leaving. Some wait till the children are older or adults to not disrupt the child's life, but that can be terrible on the kid growing up in a violent home. Some physically abusive men turn into manipulative, weak men as a they age. They may not hit as much or as hard, but they are still controlling, selfish, and emotionally abusive.

I don't think a woman could be happy with an abusive men at any stage of his life, and I have heard a lot of stories from all kinds of women and have seen it for myself.

radcen said:
Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

It can apply to many scenarios, but I'll use the recent Ray/Janay Rice incident as that is still current news.

It is not uncommon for people to point out or ask why the abused person (usually the woman, but not always) stays with their abuser. I have seen several instances where the person making that point was chastised for "blaming the victim". I presume that goes on the assumption that any reason they do is justified in their own mind, and ALL the fault lies on the abuser.

Is asking the question "blaming the victim"?

I do not condone abuse in any way, shape, or form, and there is no excuse for it, but it seems to me that that is indeed a legitimate question. One can delve deeper and find out *why* they stay, and take that knowledge to encourage them to take action and escape, and that's what I think the true purpose behind asking why they stay is aimed at.
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SheWolf said:
I have seen a lot of women in domestic violence situations. Trying to understand why women stay is not wrong, but you have to open to hearing their reasoning. Some reasoning is more understandable than others. Mostly, I think a lot of women are scared to leave and don't see a opportunity to do so. If the man is really passive and controlling, she may not have money of her own or a safe place to go. If she has young children, then that complicates the situation even more.

I have done volunteer work at women's organizations, and I have seen plenty women try to save money and research a safe place to go. They tended to plan for a few months before actually taking the steps to get out for good. The safest way to get out, is to leave when he isn't home, and try to make sure he will not be able to follow or find you.

That takes a lot of planning and reorganizing your life. You have to get a different phone, change numbers, find a lawyer, etc., It's super stressful, and when a child is involved, it's even more stressful and scary. Some women stay because they are afraid of leaving. Some wait till the children are older or adults to not disrupt the child's life, but that can be terrible on the kid growing up in a violent home. Some physically abusive men turn into manipulative, weak men as a they age. They may not hit as much or as hard, but they are still controlling, selfish, and emotionally abusive.

I don't think a woman could be happy with an abusive men at any stage of his life, and I have heard a lot of stories from all kinds of women and have seen it for myself.
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Excellent post.
 
These are good points, but we also have to remember that most abusers are also very manipulative people. In the case of a smoker and why they keep smoking, they are addicted and the reason they keep smoking is mostly all due to an internal struggle. Abusers operate in cycles of manipulate outside of the person they abuse. They "lost it" on second and apologize the next. Some of them are really charming, endearing people until they snap. They go back and forth and back and forth. I think some women fall love the good side of abusers before they see the bad, and then falsely think they can control the bad side. A woman like that makes herself responsible for her abuse, and I think that that is the case with Rice's girlfriend. She was sticking up for him and acting like he was being treated unfairly by the media.

I am sure she loves him and mostly only sees the charming, endearing side of him. It doesn't mean that she likes being abused, but she thinks he can and will stop. She probably doesn't recognize him as an abuser at all.




CanadaJohn said:
In my view, it's clearly a legitimate question. It confronts the woman with a reality that many such women avoid and those around her avoid approaching. To me, it's no different than asking a smoker why he/she keeps smoking - or asking a gambler why he/she keeps gambling to excess - or asking a heavy drinker why they keep drinking to excess - or an overweight person why they keep eating to excess. In all of these cases, in my view, the person has avoided the reality of their circumstances and in effect needs a form of intervention to shock them into their own reality - you can't hope to change or mitigate a behaviour unless the person first admits to the problem.
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Luftwaffe said:
I don't.

But I know myself, my opinion won't change on this, I will never see the point as I see nothing but a woman to blame.
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Your comments in this tread seem really personal and based on personal experience.
 
You should try helping DV victims. You could learn a lot.

MaggieD said:
What's wrong with blaming the victim for allowing herself to stay a victim? Sounds like a logical conclusion to me. If I bang my head against the wall, and give myself a black eye, are you blaming the victim if you tell me I'm stupid not to stop doing that?

The abused woman who continues to stay in that kind of relationship (at her own expense and, many (if not most) times at the expense of her children) is just as much in need of help as her abuser. Maybe more.

"Why do you stay with him?" is an important question to insist an abused woman reflect on. If that's blaming her? So be it.
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radcen said:
Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

It can apply to many scenarios, but I'll use the recent Ray/Janay Rice incident as that is still current news.

It is not uncommon for people to point out or ask why the abused person (usually the woman, but not always) stays with their abuser. I have seen several instances where the person making that point was chastised for "blaming the victim". I presume that goes on the assumption that any reason they do is justified in their own mind, and ALL the fault lies on the abuser.

Is asking the question "blaming the victim"?

I do not condone abuse in any way, shape, or form, and there is no excuse for it, but it seems to me that that is indeed a legitimate question. One can delve deeper and find out *why* they stay, and take that knowledge to encourage them to take action and escape, and that's what I think the true purpose behind asking why they stay is aimed at.
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No, I do not think so.
 
SheWolf said:
These are good points, but we also have to remember that most abusers are also very manipulative people. In the case of a smoker and why they keep smoking, they are addicted and the reason they keep smoking is mostly all due to an internal struggle. Abusers operate in cycles of manipulate outside of the person they abuse. They "lost it" on second and apologize the next. Some of them are really charming, endearing people until they snap. They go back and forth and back and forth. I think some women fall love the good side of abusers before they see the bad, and then falsely think they can control the bad side. A woman like that makes herself responsible for her abuse, and I think that that is the case with Rice's girlfriend. She was sticking up for him and acting like he was being treated unfairly by the media.

I am sure she loves him and mostly only sees the charming, endearing side of him. It doesn't mean that she likes being abused, but she thinks he can and will stop. She probably doesn't recognize him as an abuser at all.
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I've known many people who were extremely charming, the "life of the party" at social gatherings, and so on... only to learn later that they were abusers behind closed doors. And I think you're right that often the abused fall for the charmer before they meet the abuser. I wonder if they believe/hope the charmer is just around the corner and will ultimately win out.
 
It's funny you said "life of the party." I knew a guy like that, and he was abusive. I have never seen a connect before... maybe you're onto something. I will have to look into this theory more. lol

radcen said:
I've known many people who were extremely charming, the "life of the party" at social gatherings, and so on... only to learn later that they were abusers behind closed doors. And I think you're right that often the abused fall for the charmer before they meet the abuser. I wonder if they believe/hope the charmer is just around the corner and will ultimately win out.
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Bodhisattva said:
Close... I was the one abused by my wife. I stayed because I thought that I could help her and because we had kids. It ended when she cheated on me and as that was the last straw.

I have been out for 4 years now but she still is abusive and once attacked me, abused our children and is an emotional and psychological ruin.
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That is kind of an odd bar.

It is OK for her to hit you but you leave when she has sex with somebody else.

I never understood people that think sex is more important than any other part of their lives.
 
SheWolf said:
It's funny you said "life of the party." I knew a guy like that, and he was abusive. I have never seen a connect before... maybe you're onto something. I will have to look into this theory more. lol
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I am sure alcohol has something to do with it as well.

If people would keep alcohol out of their lives, there would be less problems.
 
radcen said:
I've known many people who were extremely charming, the "life of the party" at social gatherings, and so on... only to learn later that they were abusers behind closed doors. And I think you're right that often the abused fall for the charmer before they meet the abuser. I wonder if they believe/hope the charmer is just around the corner and will ultimately win out.
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Yeah, I am always careful if a guy is really, really nice. When I first met my boyfriend, it took me a while to trust his niceness was a genuine and not a show. I have seen too much violence and domestic violence to trust a nice person right away.

I am still kind of waiting to see how angry he can possibly get, but he keeps telling me he is in no way explosive and that he doesn't get angry. I told my sister I was kind of afraid of men when I first stared dating and she seemed shocked, but if you spend so much time with women and children survivors of violence, rape, human trafficking, etc. it changes you.
 
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KevinKohler said:
Oh yeah, I got your point.


It clarifies the inherent weakness of the WRITTEN word, as opposed to spoken.

Inflection goes a long way. I interpret the OP as posing this question in an honest, genuine attempt at understanding, not an accusation with a question mark at the end.

Questions, REAL questions, asked in earnest, are NOT accusations.
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If you are not a psychologist, what good can you do except satisfy your curiosity? In the recent case, he knocked her out cold and could have killed her. What defense could he have used then? "She was taunting me, and I told her to shut up and she didn't?"
 
SheWolf said:
These are good points, but we also have to remember that most abusers are also very manipulative people. In the case of a smoker and why they keep smoking, they are addicted and the reason they keep smoking is mostly all due to an internal struggle. Abusers operate in cycles of manipulate outside of the person they abuse. They "lost it" on second and apologize the next. Some of them are really charming, endearing people until they snap. They go back and forth and back and forth. I think some women fall love the good side of abusers before they see the bad, and then falsely think they can control the bad side. A woman like that makes herself responsible for her abuse, and I think that that is the case with Rice's girlfriend. She was sticking up for him and acting like he was being treated unfairly by the media.

I am sure she loves him and mostly only sees the charming, endearing side of him. It doesn't mean that she likes being abused, but she thinks he can and will stop. She probably doesn't recognize him as an abuser at all.
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In the Rice case, many people have speculated that she likes the money he has. If that is the reason she stays with him, she has problems other than being abused. No self worth?
 
leoborn said:
In the Rice case, many people have speculated that she likes the money he has. If that is the reason she stays with him, she has problems other than being abused. No self worth?
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From birth, our society teaches girls that they are worth more as part of a couple.
 
radcen said:
Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

It can apply to many scenarios, but I'll use the recent Ray/Janay Rice incident as that is still current news.

It is not uncommon for people to point out or ask why the abused person (usually the woman, but not always) stays with their abuser. I have seen several instances where the person making that point was chastised for "blaming the victim". I presume that goes on the assumption that any reason they do is justified in their own mind, and ALL the fault lies on the abuser.

Is asking the question "blaming the victim"?

I do not condone abuse in any way, shape, or form, and there is no excuse for it, but it seems to me that that is indeed a legitimate question. One can delve deeper and find out *why* they stay, and take that knowledge to encourage them to take action and escape, and that's what I think the true purpose behind asking why they stay is aimed at.
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Abuse messes with people's heads and self confidence which takes away their independence and belief in themselves and their ability to make it on their own

It's not a free choice for the abused as they are manipulated to a great extent
 
tacomancer said:
Abuse messes with people's heads and self confidence which takes away their independence and belief in themselves and their ability to make it on their own

It's not a free choice for the abused as they are manipulated to a great extent
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And many girls are still brought up to defer to men and male decision-making. Esp. in religious families.

They dont learn to ask for what they want or need, not to mention that mothers are generally expected to sacrifice their own personal needs for those of their families.
 
Lursa said:
And many girls are still brought up to defer to men and male decision-making. Esp. in religious families.

They dont learn to ask for what they want or need, not to mention that mothers are generally expected to sacrifice their own personal needs for those of their families.
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This is mostly the form I have seen in people I know. The woman thinks she has some sort of social duty to the home and ends up being a shadow of her former self as a result of the indoctrination. It's sad because they end up thinking they deserve it. Those men also often operate as a bit of a father figure as well.

The saddest thing is I have seen a few leave to fall right in the same pattern with the next guy.
 
Lursa said:
From birth, our society teaches girls that they are worth more as part of a couple.
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Hell of a choice! Take a chance on getting abused or killed so you can be part of a couple to satisfy society? :screwy: If a man is able to walk, he should never have an excuse to slug a woman to shut her up. It's bullying.
 
leoborn said:
In the Rice case, many people have speculated that she likes the money he has. If that is the reason she stays with him, she has problems other than being abused. No self worth?
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Not defending her decision to stay with him, but she was with him since high school... before the money even started trickling in.
 
SheWolf said:
Yeah, I am always careful if a guy is really, really nice. When I first met my boyfriend, it took me a while to trust his niceness was a genuine and not a show. I have seen too much violence and domestic violence to trust a nice person right away.

I am still kind of waiting to see how angry he can possibly get, but he keeps telling me he is in no way explosive and that he doesn't get angry. I told my sister I was kind of afraid of men when I first stared dating and she seemed shocked, but if you spend so much time with women and children survivors of violence, rape, human trafficking, etc. it changes you.[/b ]
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Don't forget just watching the news and hearing about it can make you paranoid too.My town is pretty safe but just in the past two weeks there have been two attempted abductions in two different parking lots....both within 5 miles of my house. I have found myself rushing to put my groceries in my car and being super suspicious of guys waiting in their car with it running. Thank goodness the majority of men are not evil!!!
 
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