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For men only

Would you tell your wife you cheated on her

  • I would tell her and risk divorce

    Votes: 19 76.0%

  • I would not tell her and risk her life

    Votes: 6 24.0%
  • Total voters
    25
Removable Mind said:
Now this a situation I disagree with. A couple having difficult times...the last thing either needs to do...even in the heat of an argument...head to a bar and then do something really, really, really stupid.

That is an avoidable way of dealing with anger.

That behavior is just not acceptable...regardless. If couples can't get along...get help...or end the relationship. But drinking or cheating at problems at home... never end up good.
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I couldn't agree with you more but I'm talking about real life, not what we'd like to see. Young people (others, too, sometimes) often don't see or consider the options you mentioned.
 
MoSurveyor said:
I couldn't agree with you more but I'm talking about real life, not what we'd like to see. Young people (others, too, sometimes) often don't see or consider the options you mentioned.
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I'm not saying people don't make mistakes. But it is a "real expectation" that when people marry... to be obligated and maintain some allegiance to the other person. If that isn't the expectation...then why form that kind of bond?

And by the way, I'm no saint...by a long shot. My experiences in my younger days were filled with a lot of mistakes that were a product from simply being selfish and irresponsible. But they were costly lessons along the way.

But eventually I did see the light...and it was more than just the train at the end of the tunnel. It was reality.

When someone cheats...and they just can't bear the "guilt, shame, and remorse"...don't dump that hurt and pain on the person being cheated on. If the relationship is no longer valuable to one or the other...then man or woman up and terminate the relationship as peacefully and respectfully as possible.

But it is a fatal mistake to use a confessions to make things better or to clear the air. It only hurts innocent people. Let the cheater suffer "inside" by their mistakes.

If there is a health or well being situation that arises that was caused by infidelity...then offer "the necessary information" ..."at the appropriate time"...and be prepared to deal with the consequences.
 
Removable Mind said:
I'm not saying people don't make mistakes. But it is a "real expectation" that when people marry... to be obligated and maintain some allegiance to the other person. If that isn't the expectation...then why form that kind of bond?

And by the way, I'm no saint...by a long shot. My experiences in my younger days were filled with a lot of mistakes that were a product from simply being selfish and irresponsible. But they were costly lessons along the way.

But eventually I did see the light...and it was more than just the train at the end of the tunnel. It was reality.

When someone cheats...and they just can't bear the "guilt, shame, and remorse"...don't dump that hurt and pain on the person being cheated on. If the relationship is no longer valuable to one or the other...then man or woman up and terminate the relationship as peacefully and respectfully as possible.

But it is a fatal mistake to use a confessions to make things better or to clear the air. It only hurts innocent people. Let the cheater suffer "inside" by their mistakes.

If there is a health or well being situation that arises that was caused by infidelity...then offer "the necessary information" ..."at the appropriate time"...and be prepared to deal with the consequences.
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I agree completely. Cheating and then telling on yourself is sort of sick: sadistic with a streak of masochism. I never understood it. All you do is hurt the person you are telling, who then takes out his/her pain by making life miserable for the confessor. Either don't cheat, or stfu if you do.
 
Removable Mind said:
I'm not saying people don't make mistakes. But it is a "real expectation" that when people marry... to be obligated and maintain some allegiance to the other person. If that isn't the expectation...then why form that kind of bond?

And by the way, I'm no saint...by a long shot. My experiences in my younger days were filled with a lot of mistakes that were a product from simply being selfish and irresponsible. But they were costly lessons along the way.

But eventually I did see the light...and it was more than just the train at the end of the tunnel. It was reality.

When someone cheats...and they just can't bear the "guilt, shame, and remorse"...don't dump that hurt and pain on the person being cheated on. If the relationship is no longer valuable to one or the other...then man or woman up and terminate the relationship as peacefully and respectfully as possible.

But it is a fatal mistake to use a confessions to make things better or to clear the air. It only hurts innocent people. Let the cheater suffer "inside" by their mistakes.

If there is a health or well being situation that arises that was caused by infidelity...then offer "the necessary information" ..."at the appropriate time"...and be prepared to deal with the consequences.
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I guess we'll have to agree to disagree then. If I make a mistake I expect and later realize it's a mistake then I confess I've made a mistake. If my marriage/relationship can't survive it then so be it but, to me, not telling is continuing to live a lie.
 
MoSurveyor said:
I guess we'll have to agree to disagree then. If I make a mistake I expect and later realize it's a mistake then I confess I've made a mistake. If my marriage/relationship can't survive it then so be it but, to me, not telling is continuing to live a lie.
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Just curious...if in our debate...we're sticking to the scenario laid out in the OP...and I assume we are.

The question that I have...foregoing your own feelings of "can't live a lie"....then:

How could your spouse benefit from your confession...unless you know for sure it was absolutely necessary in order to prevent a life threatening or serious medical problem?

If I put somebody's life at risk...and I know it to be a fact, then I will provide what information is necessary when necessary...and expect unpleasant consequences.

Under most all other circumstances of cheating...

I personally wouldn't punish somebody else for my sins, so-to-speak. For me to make that kind of confession would be incredibly selfish and disrespecting the emotional well being of my victim.

I'm always willing to make amends for any negative behaviors I've committed against others EXCEPT WHERE TO SO would case harm. And making amends doesn't mean "spilling one's guts". It means acknowledging a wrong in a caring, respectful way that also avoids disclosing the types of details of that wrong that would undoubtedly cause harm to the person you make amends to.
 
Removable Mind said:
Just curious...if in our debate...we're sticking to the scenario laid out in the OP...and I assume we are.

The question that I have...foregoing your own feelings of "can't live a lie"....then:

How could your spouse benefit from your confession...unless you know for sure it was absolutely necessary in order to prevent a life threatening or serious medical problem?
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Do you honestly believe you could "carry your guilt and suffer for it" without your wife knowing there was something wrong? If so, then you must not be as close as my wife and I are or you're a much better actor than I am. Regardless of how much you wouldn't want your mistake to effect your relationship it sure as hell would. Better to tell her the truth and get it out in the open then to let her imagination run wild and worry about nothing.

Removable Mind said:
I'm always willing to make amends for any negative behaviors I've committed against others EXCEPT WHERE TO SO would case harm. And making amends doesn't mean "spilling one's guts". It means acknowledging a wrong in a caring, respectful way that also avoids disclosing the types of details of that wrong that would undoubtedly cause harm to the person you make amends to.
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I didn't say I would go into any detail about it, that would be cruel. A simple "I screwed up" would suffice. If she wants more detail she'll ask.
 
I am aware that I am the unabtanium, the unubtainable delight to the point of giving headaches to women that do seem interested to be with me, and yet find me cold with their approaches. I am a happy married man and that changes one's attitudes towards these now old games. Thus cheating is out of the question but if I ever would do so say in a parallel universe where I am some kinda Don Juan, then I'd take her to countries where such policies are not in place yet. Or how about a general check that test included?
 
MoSurveyor said:
Do you honestly believe you could "carry your guilt and suffer for it" without your wife knowing there was something wrong? If so, then you must not be as close as my wife and I are or you're a much better actor than I am. Regardless of how much you wouldn't want your mistake to effect your relationship it sure as hell would. Better to tell her the truth and get it out in the open then to let her imagination run wild and worry about nothing.

I didn't say I would go into any detail about it, that would be cruel. A simple "I screwed up" would suffice. If she wants more detail she'll ask.
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Are we seriously talking about the same scenario that the OP stated?

Unless you have engaged in an extramarital affair that infected your wife with an STD...,which she would come to know sooner or later...and you can't live with the guilt of your actions, then I say...quietly, peacefully and respectively tell the spouse that you no longer feel the relationship is working out...and excuse yourself from the marriage. And take your dirty laundry with you. It serves no meaningful purpose to leave it with the spouse. She only gains your pain...and for what...unless she is at physical risk because of your actions.
 
Removable Mind said:
Are we seriously talking about the same scenario that the OP stated?

Unless you have engaged in an extramarital affair that infected your wife with an STD...,which she would come to know sooner or later...and you can't live with the guilt of your actions, then I say...quietly, peacefully and respectively tell the spouse that you no longer feel the relationship is working out...and excuse yourself from the marriage. And take your dirty laundry with you. It serves no meaningful purpose to leave it with the spouse. She only gains your pain...and for what...unless she is at physical risk because of your actions.
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I'm not talking about an affair, I'm talking about a one-shot (no pun intended) mistake. If it's an affair then, yes, you should break up but a one-off mistake doesn't have to kill a marriage. Many couples have gotten through worse things.

The thing is, if I actually did such a thing it wouldn't be guilt from the act but guilt from keeping a secret - any secret. We just don't do that with each other because we found out long ago that secrets get in the way of our relationship. I'm sure many couples don't work that way but we do. Honesty between us is very important to both of us.
 
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Peter King said:
then on top of being dishonest, your silence would make you inhumane.
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I see it totally opposite.

What is the "honesty" really buying? It's clearing a guilty conscience is all.

BTW: This presumes protected sex. Anyone cheating while having unprotected sex is an idiot. Odds are pretty high he/she will catch something and pass it on.
 
calamity said:
I see it totally opposite.

What is the "honesty" really buying? It's clearing a guilty conscience is all.

BTW: This presumes protected sex. Anyone cheating while having unprotected sex is an idiot. Odds are pretty high he/she will catch something and pass it on.
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yes, and most drunk men who cheat on their wives with a total stranger will always insist on using protecting :roll: dream on.
 
Peter King said:
yes, and most drunk men who cheat on their wives with a total stranger will always insist on using protecting :roll: dream on.
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Odds are they will get caught when they pass the chlamydia or gonorrhea on to their mates. Anyone who is still having sex with their mates is a fool to have unprotected sex with anyone else. IMO, anyone having unprotected sex with multiple partners is an idiot.

I figure those guys don't really care about their mates anyway. So, if they confess, it's purely to ease their consciences.
 
There was only one time I was ever tempted to cheat on my wife when I was married. I got to know a brilliant and beautiful landscape architect, and every time I saw her we were just so locked in on each other that the word "chemistry" doesn't even begin to describe it. One time she suggested we have a drink, and although I was tempted to say "yes", I hesitated for a bit and said "no". I just couldn't cross that line that I know had such a temptation to ruin my marriage.

Of course, if I had known then what I know now I just might have said "yes", but that's another story. What counts is that I cannot really answer the question because I cannot see myself doing it.
 
Peter King said:
then on top of being dishonest, your silence would make you inhumane.
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Why? It's only inhumane...if a spouse has a sexual experience in which they get an STD...and that leads to the other spouse getting it. Now that is a necessary reason to break the silence.

Otherwise, the partner who cheats and feels guilty, shameful, etc...too bad...there's absolutely ZERO reason to dump one's indiscretions on the other. Talk to a therapists or spiritual leader...or anybody but the other spouse...IF YOU WANT TO KEEP A MARRIAGE. The unknowing spouse will be harmed over a senseless confession by a guilty spouse...and that is way more inhumane.
 
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