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Family, FaceBook and spying.

Parents: If you had their ID’s and passwords, would you/do you logon to your kids’ FB

  • Parents: Yes, I creep their FB pages.

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    26

Gina

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I was at dinner a couple weeks ago with a circle of very longtime friends. We hadn't made time for a get-together for a couple of years, so it was a lot of catching up.

Several times, FaceBook came up with one of the ladies. Her daughters are away in college, the younger girl just last fall. She hates not knowing what is up with them and said that she regularly checks their FB pages. Ok, that's not something I do but beyond that, one of the others kept telling her that she probably couldn't see everything, surely they would have mom blocked. To which she consistently replied, "Oh, yes I can." Finally after much skepticism and telling her she really wouldn't want to know everything, she confessed, "I have their ID and passwords."

Shock passed through the group. She explained, when they originally signed up as minors, she helped them and kept their information. They just never changed their passwords.

We were horrified, but swore not to interfere, to which I agree. This is her's to deal with.

So it's been on my mind. Is it out of line for a parent of adult children?

These are my questions: Parents, do you/would you logon to your kids' FB pages to spy? While they are minors? When they are adults? Do you creep (my daughter's word) their pages? Are you their "friends" on FB?

I have many issues with FB, but this one was new to me, so I thought would ask and include the questions about kids and parents "friending".

Poll to come.
 
I think after a time, parents should not know the password to such an account. We all develop multiple avenues of sharing information as well. While my family and I are rather close with information that floats on Facebook, I do not share everything with the Facebook crowd to begin with. They are friends with me, I am friends with them, we work some of our things together through there (including professional non-profit things), and I keep a somewhat public face (thus polite face) to it rather than let out most of my views, pictures, and so forth. The folks like to know what's up and up in our lives (sometimes of innocent gossip), and we sons and daughters sometimes do the same with them.
 
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I don't have Facebook, but even if I did, I would never log onto my daughter's page. The thought never even crossed my mind and she's been on it since she was 12 or so. We're very close and if there's something she wants to tell me, she will eventually. There's no need for me to go "creeping". I would need a major, major reason, like life and death type of stuff to do something like that. And I can't even imagine what kind of weirdo does this to their adult children. No offense, but I think your friend has some serious issues.
 
I wouldn't use FB to "spy" on my kids. Spying is done without the person's knowledge.

When they are minors, they'd know I was monitoring their online activities, but after they are adults (or even at some point before) I would stop monitoring their online activities altogether.
 
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I think after a time, parents should not know the password to such an account. We all develop multiple avenues of sharing information as well. While my family and I are rather close with information that floats on Facebook, I do not share everything with the Facebook crowd to begin with. They are friends with me, I am friends with them, we work some of our things together through there, and I keep a somewhat public face (thus polite face) to it rather than let out most of my views, pictures, and so forth. The folks like to know what's up and up in our lives (sometimes of innocent gossip), and we sons and daughters sometimes do the same with them.

I agree with all that fiddy. I wouldn't have my adult childrens' information, it's not my business. I see the value in having a centralized location, like FB, for family to catch up or keep track, but what I see going on with lots of people, their family and friends, is drama and TMI. I just don't want to be involved in that.
 
I was at dinner a couple weeks ago with a circle of very longtime friends. We hadn't made time for a get-together for a couple of years, so it was a lot of catching up.

Several times, FaceBook came up with one of the ladies. Her daughters are away in college, the younger girl just last fall. She hates not knowing what is up with them and said that she regularly checks their FB pages. Ok, that's not something I do but beyond that, one of the others kept telling her that she probably couldn't see everything, surely they would have mom blocked. To which she consistently replied, "Oh, yes I can." Finally after much skepticism and telling her she really wouldn't want to know everything, she confessed, "I have their ID and passwords."

Shock passed through the group. She explained, when they originally signed up as minors, she helped them and kept their information. They just never changed their passwords.

We were horrified, but swore not to interfere, to which I agree. This is her's to deal with.

So it's been on my mind. Is it out of line for a parent of adult children?

These are my questions: Parents, do you/would you logon to your kids' FB pages to spy? While they are minors? When they are adults? Do you creep (my daughter's word) their pages? Are you their "friends" on FB?

I have many issues with FB, but this one was new to me, so I thought would ask and include the questions about kids and parents "friending".

Poll to come.

I don't blame the mom for doing such a thing. If I were in her position, I'd also have a "I gotta do whatever I can" attitude.

But I think that the fact that she is so suspicious of them probably means there are trust issues and a trouble relationship between mother and daughter.
 
I don't have kids, but I would suspect that I would operate under the understanding that privacy is a privilege. That privilege would become available at a certain time (when their mother and I decide). The privilege is maintained so long as s/he doesn't give me a reason to suspect that there are things going on in their life that might result in things I'll be responsible for (assuming they're under 18). The same policy would apply to searching their room.

Once they leave home and they're on their own dime... I shouldn't have to access.
 
I agree with all that fiddy. I wouldn't have my adult childrens' information, it's not my business. I see the value in having a centralized location, like FB, for family to catch up or keep track, but what I see going on with lots of people, their family and friends, is drama and TMI. I just don't want to be involved in that.

That can happen a lot. Then again, I think we try to use good humor and genuine desire to catch up with people, instead of creating drama. My posts that might be TMI are perhaps like, "took a nap, and now I feel like eating a cow the size of texas." followed by a random video of goofiness.
 
On a side note... I just joined Google+ I like it much better.

I have invites if anyone wants one.
 
I wouldn't use FB to "spy" on my kids. Spying is done without the person's knowledge.

When they are minors, they'd know I was monitoring their online activities, but after they are adults (or even at some point before) I would stop monitoring their online activities altogether.

I agree, when they were new to the internet, monitoring is appropriate and they know I was going to, but I gave that up before they were adults.



I don't have Facebook, but even if I did, I would never log onto my daughter's page. The thought never even crossed my mind and she's been on it since she was 12 or so. We're very close and if there's something she wants to tell me, she will eventually. There's no need for me to go "creeping". I would need a major, major reason, like life and death type of stuff to do something like that. And I can't even imagine what kind of weirdo does this to their adult children. No offense, but I think your friend has some serious issues.

I know! I was shocked. This is someone I've always admired for their levelheadedness and wisdom. So it really floored me.

The thought would never have crossed my mind either. Even if I were privy to begin with when they started an FB, I wouldn't have logged on and I'm with you, I don't creep for the same reasons. I don't need to know everything. My parents didn't and I turned out ok.

No offense taken. I question the reasons behind it too.
 
On a side note... I just joined Google+ I like it much better.

I have invites if anyone wants one.

Hmmm....Curious. I thought they got rid of them.
 
I don't have Facebook, but even if I did, I would never log onto my daughter's page. The thought never even crossed my mind and she's been on it since she was 12 or so. We're very close and if there's something she wants to tell me, she will eventually. There's no need for me to go "creeping". I would need a major, major reason, like life and death type of stuff to do something like that. And I can't even imagine what kind of weirdo does this to their adult children. No offense, but I think your friend has some serious issues.

i've had some issues with Facebook, namely my soon to be daughter-in-law feeling the need to bitch and moan and play the drama queen about her relationship with my son. i defriended her, and explained to her that fb was not an appropriate stage for marriage counseling. she's growing up. also, a family member has a site for keeping up with the annual family camping trip, (not so ironcially called (Camp Freedom) but now feels it's entirely appropriate to post right wing whackjob bull****. also defriended.

i would never presume to use someone else's password. i did notice that my 13 yr old niece had in her profile that she was "looking for men"......and promptly warned her about that. her parents, of course, never noticed.
 
I would have absolutely no problem snooping in my kids facebooks if there was a need to, just like I have no problem going through their rooms. Having said that... Theyve never given me a reason to warrant it, facebook that is. My daughter did give me cause to do room searches for a short period of time. For the most part my children dont give me cause to do those things, so I have no need. But I wouldnt have a problem doing it if there were a need. And no... Im not talking about normal childhood stuff. I would have to have a really good reason... If I were worried seriously about their health or safety. My kids know that we will be more than happy to give them their "space" and only intervene when absolutely necessary. Theres a big difference between being nosy and being a parent.

Adult children are different in my opinion.. theyre grown, no need to spy.
 
I don't blame the mom for doing such a thing. If I were in her position, I'd also have a "I gotta do whatever I can" attitude.

But I think that the fact that she is so suspicious of them probably means there are trust issues and a trouble relationship between mother and daughter.

Even with adult children???

Well, that's the thing. I've known this family forever. Her girls are wonderful, good students, good girls. They've never been in trouble of any kind. So it flummoxes me. I can't see how trust is a problem when they, as far as I can see, have never given her trouble.

I don't have kids, but I would suspect that I would operate under the understanding that privacy is a privilege. That privilege would become available at a certain time (when their mother and I decide). The privilege is maintained so long as s/he doesn't give me a reason to suspect that there are things going on in their life that might result in things I'll be responsible for (assuming they're under 18). The same policy would apply to searching their room.

Once they leave home and they're on their own dime... I shouldn't have to access.
No, these are adult girls, away at college. Everything you said, I agree with, while they are minors and that's what I have done with mine. Privacy is respected, until there is a reason to not respect it.

That can happen a lot. Then again, I think we try to use good humor and genuine desire to catch up with people, instead of creating drama. My posts that might be TMI are perhaps like, "took a nap, and now I feel like eating a cow the size of texas." followed by a random video of goofiness.

LOL!! :)

That's great that your family have a good hold on how to use FB. It encourages me, because up to now, all I hear is FB drama from my kids about their friends and family. Well, and even some of my own family as I posted in another thread.
 
Well, that's the thing. I've known this family forever. Her girls are wonderful, good students, good girls. They've never been in trouble of any kind. So it flummoxes me. I can't see how trust is a problem when they, as far as I can see, have never given her trouble.

well, pretty much the only thing that I can say in her defense is that IT'S COLLEGE!! ;)
 
Hmmm....Curious. I thought they got rid of them.

They've been letting people sign up in waves. Right now it shows I can invite people.

I have the link in my main page, looks like below.

invitegplus.jpg


I don't think I have to send the email to a gmail account, I think any account will do. If you have a junkmail account, send me that in a PM and I'll send you the invite.

I'd tell you more about it, but I don't want to hijack the thread.
 
i've had some issues with Facebook, namely my soon to be daughter-in-law feeling the need to bitch and moan and play the drama queen about her relationship with my son. i defriended her, and explained to her that fb was not an appropriate stage for marriage counseling. she's growing up. also, a family member has a site for keeping up with the annual family camping trip, (not so ironcially called (Camp Freedom) but now feels it's entirely appropriate to post right wing whackjob bull****. also defriended.

i would never presume to use someone else's password. i did notice that my 13 yr old niece had in her profile that she was "looking for men"......and promptly warned her about that. her parents, of course, never noticed.

That is what I'm talking about. Hashing out private issues or bashing a family member in public. There is no need for that, whatsoever. It's another form of bullying.

Good on you! You did the right thing there.


I would have absolutely no problem snooping in my kids facebooks if there was a need to, just like I have no problem going through their rooms. Having said that... Theyve never given me a reason to warrant it, facebook that is. My daughter did give me cause to do room searches for a short period of time. For the most part my children dont give me cause to do those things, so I have no need. But I wouldnt have a problem doing it if there were a need. And no... Im not talking about normal childhood stuff. I would have to have a really good reason... If I were worried seriously about their health or safety. My kids know that we will be more than happy to give them their "space" and only intervene when absolutely necessary. Theres a big difference between being nosy and being a parent.

Adult children are different in my opinion.. theyre grown, no need to spy.

I agree. Those are the principles I've operated on.
 
My daughter has face book, she got it when she was 14, she will be 15 in nov.
I set it up for her and she knows I have all her pass words, she knows I can go on it and she is NOT allowed to change them.
She also just got a cell phone last year even though I didnt really want her to have one yet and I also have the passwords to that to, which she is NOT allowed to change.

That being said I have rarely gone on her page to monitor her activity, she knows I can and we are close so I havent had much need. Now mind you I HAVE been on it and HAVE gone through her phone but again not often and sometimes its been with or without her knowledge. I even post pics for her etc.

Now in my case my daughter is a minor and she knows phones and facebook are to be open to me at all times. Thats just how it works she is a monir and she is mine but she is also a VERY OBNOXIOUSLY GOOD KID lol so I dont have many worries.

I would NOT do this to an adult child, even under my roof, the relationship should be good enough to share stuff that is important and for them to understand that by time they are 18.
 
well, pretty much the only thing that I can say in her defense is that IT'S COLLEGE!! ;)

Yes, but they are adults! As long as their grades are good and they aren't being arrested for underage drinking or something, they should be off limits. Or, I think so anyway. :)
 
No, these are adult girls, away at college. Everything you said, I agree with, while they are minors and that's what I have done with mine. Privacy is respected, until there is a reason to not respect it.

With kids at college, I don't think I would invade their privacy like that. The only thing I can think of is if I thought they were endangering themselves. Other than that... I see no reason to "creep".

This is one of the reasons I canceled my Facebook account. My 81 year old grandmother kept trying to friend me. I love my grandma, but Facebook is where I hang out with friends. It's awkward when my grandma shows up and says, "Sup bitches!!".
 
I'm okay with monitoring minor children, especially if they're 13 or younger. Mine are 4 and 2, and whatever the Facebook of the day is when they're old enough to use a computer will likely permit younger kids. It'll just be a fact of our social lives by then.

If they get to the teenage stage and your best source of honest intelligence is hacking their social media accounts, you're ****ed.

If they get to the adult stage and you're STILL hacking their social media accounts, you're just plain ****ed up.
 
My daughter has face book, she got it when she was 14, she will be 15 in nov.
I set it up for her and she knows I have all her pass words, she knows I can go on it and she is NOT allowed to change them.
She also just got a cell phone last year even though I didnt really want her to have one yet and I also have the passwords to that to, which she is NOT allowed to change.

That being said I have rarely gone on her page to monitor her activity, she knows I can and we are close so I havent had much need. Now mind you I HAVE been on it and HAVE gone through her phone but again not often and sometimes its been with or without her knowledge. I even post pics for her etc.

Now in my case my daughter is a minor and she knows phones and facebook are to be open to me at all times. Thats just how it works she is a monir and she is mine but she is also a VERY OBNOXIOUSLY GOOD KID lol so I dont have many worries.

I would NOT do this to an adult child, even under my roof, the relationship should be good enough to share stuff that is important and for them to understand that by time they are 18.

Mine expected that I might go looking, or, hear about anything untoward from our friends and neighbors (small town life is like that).

As far as I know, there are no reasons to assume she is having trouble with this girls and they are adults anyway. So, I say hands off.
 
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