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Is an affair a dealbreaker

If your partner cheats, will you stay?

  • No, I'd end it

    Votes: 19 38.8%

  • Yes, I'd stay. Period.

    Votes: 3 6.1%

  • I'd stay conditionally

    Votes: 13 26.5%

  • Don't know/not sure/not in a relationship/HOT POCKETS!

    Votes: 14 28.6%
  • Total voters
    49
Jerry said:
Basically, if there's no ring of some kind on your finger, even if it's a 'friendship' ring I've seen on long-term gf's, then there are no rules. Since cheating is braking a rule to gain an advantage, if there are no rules, no act can be cheating.
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It's basically up to the couple to define terms. There is no ring on my finger, but I'm pretty sure that if I slept with another man, or if he slept with another woman, it would kill our relationship, because it would be a violation of the terms of our relationship. We aren't married, but we have both committed verbally to be monogamous.
 
I'm not sure. It wouldn't be the sex that got me upset, but the lying. That kind of violation of trust might just be too much.
 
Khayembii Communique said:
A woman cheating in a relationship is due to a failure on the man's part. That being said, it's a "dealbreaker" in the sense that the cheating itself is so disrespectful and distrustful to the point of the relationship being irreparable, no matter how long they try to drag it along and "make it work".

I've never had a girl cheat on me, but if I did I'd mark it up as a failure on my part, end the relationship and move on. I wouldn't be mad at the guy she cheated with either, unless it was one of my friends.
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that's a very "female" attitude and one that shows a complete lack of self-esteem.
my 1st wife cheated on me. was it in anyway my fault? no. well, unless i want to blame myself for choosing such a trashy woman to begin with. but i personally did nothing to "make her cheat".
 
Catz Part Deux said:
It's basically up to the couple to define terms. There is no ring on my finger, but I'm pretty sure that if I slept with another man, or if he slept with another woman, it would kill our relationship, because it would be a violation of the terms of our relationship. We aren't married, but we have both committed verbally to be monogamous.
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I sincerely doubt the average couple has the formal sit-down to define terms and conditions as you claim.

These are assumptions based on culture, 'common-sense' premises, which people typically take for granted.

And yeah, anything you choose can kill your relationship, those are your personal preferences and that's fine; but that doesn't mean your significant other broke some rule. Simply going against your preferences isn't cheating even if it makes you walk away.

So yes it's up to the couple to design the terms, but that doesn't mean they do. A lot is simply assumed, and you know what happens when you assume....
 
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Jerry said:
Basically, if there's no ring of some kind on your finger, even if it's a 'friendship' ring I've seen on long-term gf's, then there are no rules. Since cheating is braking a rule to gain an advantage, if there are no rules, no act can be cheating.
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What? Why? What makes that ring so special? It's just a ring. The rules are whatever the couple decide they are. Those rules are not made any more or less important by the presence or absence of a piece of metal.

Khayembii Communique said:
A woman cheating in a relationship is due to a failure on the man's part.
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This doesn't make any sense. So it's the man's fault that the woman is too immature to communicate her needs, and too selfish to hold up her end of the relationship?
 
MistressNomad said:
What? Why? What makes that ring so special? It's just a ring. The rules are whatever the couple decide they are. Those rules are not made any more or less important by the presence or absence of a piece of metal.
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You're assuming they made rules in the first place.

If they just decide to start dating, it's casual, no obligation, no commitment, it's just getting to know each-other. If you're seeing someone and they're also seeing other people, so what? Who are you to complain about their personal life? It's their choice. That's so arrogant of you to assume that you will be the only one. Nothing makes you special unless he thinks so. That's not something you have any right to force on him.

Now, if he's made some level of commitment to you, then there are rules. But just seeing someone a few times you met online or a friend hooked you up with, not so much. It's ok to go on dates with a few different people at the same time. That doesn't make you a slut or him a player.
 
Nothing was as important to me as my wife was for over 30 years, and consequently nothing ever hurt as much finding that she had been betraying me. It was 10 years ago and it still hurts every day.

I can't even be around people who lie, cheat, and steal, or those who condone it.
 
Jerry said:
You're assuming they made rules in the first place.

If they just decide to start dating, it's casual, no obligation, no commitment, it's just getting to know each-other. If you're seeing someone and they're also seeing other people, so what? Who are you to complain about their personal life? It's their choice. That's so arrogant of you to assume that you will be the only one. Nothing makes you special unless he thinks so. That's not something you have any right to force on him.

Now, if he's made some level of commitment to you, then there are rules. But just seeing someone a few times you met online or a friend hooked you up with, not so much. It's ok to go on dates with a few different people at the same time. That doesn't make you a slut or him a player.
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This is an issue of couples not talking about things. I agree it's an issue, and a lot of couple don't talk about things they should.

I make my stance very clear in relationships, and conversations about rules we can both agree on are mandatory with me. I'm not going to blindly guess, nor leave my partner to blindly guess, and I'm not going to make assumptions.

I do this having never been married, and with no intent of ever getting married.

This is simply the fact that people tend to handle their relationships immaturely. It has nothing to do with the piece of metal. The piece of metal is just a stand-in for the conversation they should have had ages ago.
 
MistressNomad said:
This is an issue of couples not talking about things. I agree it's an issue, and a lot of couple don't talk about things they should.

I make my stance very clear in relationships, and conversations about rules we can both agree on are mandatory with me. I'm not going to blindly guess, nor leave my partner to blindly guess, and I'm not going to make assumptions.

I do this having never been married, and with no intent of ever getting married.

This is simply the fact that people tend to handle their relationships immaturely. It has nothing to do with the piece of metal. The piece of metal is just a stand-in for the conversation they should have had ages ago.
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I completely agree.

What gets me is when they don't communicate and then one finds out the other is seeing other people and accuses them of cheating.

Well, no, if there was no clear obligation to be monogamous or any level of real commitment, then it's not cheating.
 
Councilman said:
Nothing was as important to me as my wife was for over 30 years, and consequently nothing ever hurt as much finding that she had been betraying me. It was 10 years ago and it still hurts every day.

I can't even be around people who lie, cheat, and steal, or those who condone it.
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I'm really sorry that you experienced it. Being cheated on hurts to an unbelievable degree, and on some level, it still hurts me, too. I think the thing that makes me angriest is that the cheater (my ex-husband) has gone blithely on, leaving a wide swath of destruction in his path, while I've had to completely rebuild my entire life out of ruins, and had to learn how to trust all over again (not easy, not at all).

I've let go of a lot of my feelings about him, but I will never forgive him for what he did.
 
Khayembii Communique said:
A woman cheating in a relationship is due to a failure on the man's part. .
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Pardon me, but horse-****. There are women (just as there are men) who are simply cheaters-by-nature, and there is nothing you can do to prevent them from cheating. Period. If you believe otherwise, you must never have encountered one. I'd find this remarkable if you're over 30.
 
Really depends on the circumstances, to be honest. If I hadn't banged my wife in a year, I wouldn't blame her for going out and getting some.

I don't think she'd take the same perspective, though.
 
Jerry said:
It's imposable to cheat on a bf or gf, because there's no presumption of monogamy, no commitment or intent to commit in the first place. Their sex life is their business, so they're not even obligated to tell you. It would be polite, yes, but they're not required.
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Clearly you and I do not view relationships the same way. You don't see a commitment until there's a legal agreement and a ring. I see one when we agree to one. I've always had a presumption of monogamy, as have my partners. It's an extra step to agree otherwise. You must have been out of the dating pool for a while, and perhaps were never that far into it. Most relationships are monogamous.
 
BDBoop said:
If a partner cheats, should the relationship/marriage end (in your estimation.)
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Oops. Mis-voted.

I would get out of that relationship immediately. She can keep the house, the dog, the DVD, and the car. I can always start over again, and do so without the load on my time and energy that she would be.
 
I'm out 99.9%.

The 0.1% if right after she brings her back home.
 
Prior to our marriage 42 1/2 years ago, I told my bride-to-be that I would be faithful to her for forever. However, I told her that if Jacqlyn Smith or Farrah Faucett ever laid down in front of me and begged me to be unfaithful, I might have to renege on my vow. As you can imagine, I have been faithful for the entire time. ;)
 
samsmart said:
Oops. Mis-voted.

I would get out of that relationship immediately. She can keep the house, the dog, the DVD, and the car. I can always start over again, and do so without the load on my time and energy that she would be.
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Surely you jest. I lost the dogs. I still cry, sometimes. He could have everything else, though.
 
Tucker Case said:
Really depends on the circumstances, to be honest. If I hadn't banged my wife in a year, I wouldn't blame her for going out and getting some.

I don't think she'd take the same perspective, though.
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I went 16 months without any - I managed and so did he without turning into wretched vow violating beasts of compulsion.

But that's just us - a lot of military families don't fair as well.
 
BDBoop said:
Surely you jest. I lost the dogs. I still cry, sometimes. He could have everything else, though.
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No jest. It just means she gets to pay their veternary bills.
 
MaggieD said:
I don't agree, if you mean to place blame on the noncheating spouse. Commitment is commitment. Don't want to be married? Get a divorce....get in counselling...blaming your partner is a coward's way out.
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Uh huh, I hear ya....that's the conventional wisdom isn't it? With 50% divorce rates, I think people need to start looking at alternative views, instead of the **** they watch on TV. A commitment goes both ways, and lots of people become uncommitted in different ways that aren't stereotypical. There are no one way committments in marriage.
 
MistressNomad said:
The typical model of strict, life-long monogamy is also not realistically something that is a part of natural human relationships.
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to be clear. the natural human relationship in the sense of what we did when we were wild is tribal rape. bend over the couch and take it, or I will beat you with my fist/club. Before or after I kill your children by the other male in front of you.

life-long monogamy is the form best suited to a civilized human nature.




as for a spouse that cheats - it legitimizes ending a marriage. but it doesn't have to, and it generally is better if it does not.
 
Aunt Spiker said:
I went 16 months without any - I managed and so did he without turning into wretched vow violating beasts of compulsion.

But that's just us - a lot of military families don't fair as well.
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had a buddy with a great bumper sticker: "Sexually Deprived for Your Freedom"



but yeah, that and a list of other stresses means military divorce rates are quite high, and military rates of infidelity are higher.
 
cpwill said:
to be clear. the natural human relationship in the sense of what we did when we were wild is tribal rape. bend over the couch and take it, or I will beat you with my fist/club. Before or after I kill your children by the other male in front of you.

life-long monogamy is the form best suited to a civilized human nature.
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Not really. Rape happened (and still does), but it is taboo in all higher primates. Not just us. This is not an outgrowth of modern civilization - it's part of being an intelligent social mammal, and specifically a primate.

The average human relationship does tend towards monogamy, but historically it's not life-long. And this was even back in the times when humans only lived 30 or 40 years. The average highly compatible human relationship that remains functional (in other words, dead marriages where the couple are just roommates doesn't cut it) is, and has always been, around 7-10 years. That is the amount of time it takes for a child to become semi-independent within a tribe. There is a reason why our relationships tend to be that long.

And in the modern era, where humans live twice as long, an expectation of life-long monogamy becomes even more unrealistic, reflected by our divorce rates and infidelity rates. The infidelity rates, mind you, have remained fairly consistent over time. And divorce rates only increased because it became legal and acceptable, NOT because there was an increase in broken marriages.

There are exceptions to every rule, and with nearly 7 billion people on the planet they aren't extremely hard to find. But they are rare.
 
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MistressNomad said:
Not really. Rape happened (and still does), but it is taboo in all higher primates. Not just us. This is not an outgrowth of modern civilization - it's part of being an intelligent social mammal, and specifically a primate.

The average human relationship does tend towards monogamy, but historically it's not life-long. And this was even back in the times when humans only lived 30 or 40 years. The average highly compatible human relationship that remains functional (in other words, dead marriages where the couple are just roommates doesn't cut it) is, and has always been, around 7-10 years. That is the amount of time it takes for a child to become semi-independent within a tribe. There is a reason why our relationships tend to be that long.

And in the modern era, where humans live twice as long, an expectation of life-long monogamy becomes even more unrealistic, reflected by our divorce rates and infidelity rates. The infidelity rates, mind you, have remained fairly consistent over time. And divorce rates only increased because it became legal and acceptable, NOT because there was an increase in broken marriages.

There are exceptions to every rule, and with nearly 7 billion people on the planet they aren't extremely hard to find. But they are rare.
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true monogamy is one of the ways civilized man has attempted to elevate himself above the lesser animals.
of course, the liberal agenda hopes to regress mankind at all levels, which is why monogamy is more and more
being portrayed as "unrealistic" through social media and scholastic venues. funny how the liberal atheist rants
and raves about atheist evolution over the manifestation beliefs of the creationist; yet does everything in his power
to stagnate the evolution of society through regressing civilized behavior.
 
that's a very "female" attitude and one that shows a complete lack of self-esteem.
my 1st wife cheated on me. was it in anyway my fault? no. well, unless i want to blame myself for choosing such a trashy woman to begin with. but i personally did nothing to "make her cheat".
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A girl cheats when she's no longer interested in the relationship. You failed to keep her attracted.

This doesn't make any sense. So it's the man's fault that the woman is too immature to communicate her needs, and too selfish to hold up her end of the relationship?
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Women aren't "too immature" to do that; that's just how they are. Guys tend to communicate incredibly straightforward and logically, when women don't. It's the man's fault for failing to learn to deal with women.

Pardon me, but horse-****. There are women (just as there are men) who are simply cheaters-by-nature, and there is nothing you can do to prevent them from cheating. Period.
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I don't think so. There are people that tend to cheat more often, sure, but they're not "cheaters by nature".

If you believe otherwise, you must never have encountered one. I'd find this remarkable if you're over 30.
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I've experienced plenty of crazy **** from women. I've dated serial cheaters. I've never been cheated on.

true monogamy is one of the ways civilized man has attempted to elevate himself above the lesser animals.
of course, the liberal agenda hopes to regress mankind at all levels, which is why monogamy is more and more
being portrayed as "unrealistic" through social media and scholastic venues. funny how the liberal atheist rants
and raves about atheist evolution over the manifestation beliefs of the creationist; yet does everything in his power
to stagnate the evolution of society through regressing civilized behavior.
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Wow, it has nothing to do with a "liberal agenda". People just realize that marriage is a dinosaur institution that deserves to be done away with.
 
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