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Should parents spy on thier kids?

Hard Truth said:
The danger is that parents being overly restrictive and disrespectful of privacy can lead to rebellion and worse behavior.
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Spying =/= being overly restrictive. Spying is only used for watching out for things that will get the child into physical danger. It's not to be used to pester the kids for piddly stuff like drinking while underage. But it should be used for major stuff like drinking and driving or to prevent things like what was shown in the two videos that are in the thread.

Kids will get into trouble. That is a fact of life. You cannot stop it no matter how hard you try. But you can do everything that you can to keep your child from getting themselves raped or killed. That is what spying is to be used for. Nothing more, nothing less. There are other things that a parent can do in order to help and/or teach a kid on how to properly go through life. And sometimes that means letting the child get into trouble as getting into trouble may very well be the very thing that will teach them most effectively.

Its funny. Everyone in here is acting like those parents that spy on their kids do so in order to act on every little indiscretion. While some parents may very well be like that not all parents are. There is a proper place for spying on ones kid. But, it is not the end all be all of parenting.
 
MisterLogical said:
Wrong on both accounts. Im 22(Well just turned 22) and children adore me, and I do deal with children. I also tend to act like a parent with most people. Not that its really intentional but I have a natural tendency to protect and care for others. So people generally just expect me to fix everything for them. You dont see children as anything but stupid brats but they do have feelings and you looking down on them is not going to make them want to listen to you. They will just see you as a butthole. That is no way to make a real connection. You should try developing better people skills.
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A parents job is not about making a connection. It is about raising a child to be productive adults and keeping those children safe. Dealing with children is not the same as raising your own children. I know the difference through personal experience that you have yet to go through.

And just so you know, most of the children around my apartment complex come to me with problems even before their own parents. The ones that don't are the trouble makers. So you're not unique with that "children adore me" or "natural tendency to protect and care for others".
 
Kal'Stang said:
A parents job is not about making a connection. It is about raising a child to be productive adults and keeping those children safe. Dealing with children is not the same as raising your own children. I know the difference through personal experience that you have yet to go through.

And just so you know, most of the children around my apartment complex come to me with problems even before their own parents. The ones that don't are the trouble makers. So you're not unique with that "children adore me" or "natural tendency to protect and care for others".
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Yes, you cant really do that if your children are going to defy you since they see you as an enemy. You dont need to be utterly despised to be a good leader, and anyone who thinks so probobly is a very poor one. If your children do not feel safe with you and do not trust you than they are not going to tell you things and when they are lost they wont look for any kind of guidance from you. If they know you trust and care about them, they will too care about and trust you.

If not they will look for guidance somewhere else. If they are lucky they will find someone kind who will listen to them and fix it for them. If they are unlucky they might just walk into the hands of a predator. A neglected child is an easy target for a predator and you acting like a dick to prove that you are a leader is not going to make anyone want to listen to you. Also why do you believe its bad to love your child?
 
MisterLogical said:
Yes, you cant really do that if your children are going to defy you since they see you as an enemy. You dont need to be utterly despised to be a good leader, and anyone who thinks so probobly is a very poor one. If your children do not feel safe with you and do not trust you than they are not going to tell you things and when they are lost they wont look for any kind of guidance from you. If they know you trust and care about them, they will too care about and trust you.

If not they will look for guidance somewhere else. If they are lucky they will find someone kind who will listen to them and fix it for them. If they are unlucky they might just walk into the hands of a predator. A neglected child is an easy target for a predator and you acting like a dick to prove that you are a leader is not going to make anyone want to listen to you. Also why do you believe its bad to love your child?
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Yes, actually you can. That's what spying is for remember? Besides, if your kids don't hate and love you then you're not doing your job right. Now if you don't know what I mean by that sentence then wait until you have children of your own and notice the difference between babysitting other peoples kids and taking care of your own kids.

One thing that never ceases to amaze me. People that don't have kids of their own love to think that they know everything there is to raising a kid. And then the moment that they do have their own kids their asking for help from people that do have kids.
 
MisterLogical said:
What I mean by this is putting cameras on their computers, stuff to hack and monitor their emails, search their bags regularly and interrogate them about who they are texting on the cellphone since it has an area code from the city next door? I think it is bad since it can make them paranoid and unable to express themselves. I think people should all have an outlet somewhere. No I do not think the outlet should be murdering people but I think if you restrain a person too much that might very well be the road they lead down. A lot of parents are stupidly judgmental and do not understand that a child is not going to necessarily be a clone of you, or your robot. So a lot of times that child is not free to do things which they believe will displease mom and dad. I believe we should watch children but I dont think we should be suffocating them. I know parents say its to protect them since that 1 in a thousands kid is doing something stupid. However is having 999 psychos really worth it?
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In this day and age, you should "spy".....within reason. I mean you don't barge into his room and announce, "room inspection!" like as if he's in a
correctional facility. :lol:

Inspections can be done subtly - like while he's away, and you happen to be cleaning his room and changing his bed.

Until you are confident enough that you can trust your child...it's only sensible to monitor his access online and to be aware of his whereabouts at all times, and the company he keeps. No need to do it on the sly either.
Lay it gently out on the table, and explain why. Of course there'll be some resistance - what kid wouldn't?
You'll have to gently explain why. Finding the balance how to be diplomatic with your child - you know him well enough to know how to talk to him - is the key. Keep the communication line open between the two of you.
Just to explain....we're learning from training provided to foster parents - we deal with very troubled kids.

It's a matter of building trust. Your child should know what it means to be trustworthy.
 
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tosca1 said:
In this day and age, you should "spy".....within reason. I mean you don't barge into his room and announce, "room inspection!" like as if he's in a
correctional facility. :lol:

Inspections can be done subtly - like while he's away, and you happen to be cleaning his room and changing his bed.

Until you are confident enough that you can trust your child...it's only sensible to monitor his access online and to be aware of his whereabouts at all times, and the company he keeps. No need to do it on the sly either.
Lay it gently out on the table, and explain why. Of course there'll be some resistance - what kid wouldn't?
You'll have to gently explain why. Finding the balance how to be diplomatic with your child - you know him well enough to know how to talk to him - is the key. Keep the communication line open between the two of you.
Just to explain....we're learning from training provided to foster parents - we deal with very troubled kids.

It's a matter of building trust. Your child should know what it means to be trustworthy.
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So why dont you trust your children? If you really dont trust someone enough to spy on them I think yo might just have trust issues. So you should try helping yourself and not punishing your kids for your problems.
 
MisterLogical said:
What I mean by this is putting cameras on their computers, stuff to hack and monitor their emails, search their bags regularly and interrogate them about who they are texting on the cellphone since it has an area code from the city next door? I think it is bad since it can make them paranoid and unable to express themselves. I think people should all have an outlet somewhere. No I do not think the outlet should be murdering people but I think if you restrain a person too much that might very well be the road they lead down. A lot of parents are stupidly judgmental and do not understand that a child is not going to necessarily be a clone of you, or your robot. So a lot of times that child is not free to do things which they believe will displease mom and dad. I believe we should watch children but I dont think we should be suffocating them. I know parents say its to protect them since that 1 in a thousands kid is doing something stupid. However is having 999 psychos really worth it?
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it is called common sense.
setting standards of behavior is not a bad thing.

having standards of internet and phone usage is not a bad thing.
knowing who your kids are hanging out with and where they are going and what they are doing is not a bad thing.

not knowing any of that stuff is a bad thing and why kids end up on milk cartons.
 
MisterLogical said:
So why dont you trust your children? If you really dont trust someone enough to spy on them I think yo might just have trust issues. So you should try helping yourself and not punishing your kids for your problems.
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or maybe they are being a responsible parents. yeah that could be one right there.
 
MisterLogical said:
So why dont you trust your children? If you really dont trust someone enough to spy on them I think yo might just have trust issues. So you should try helping yourself and not punishing your kids for your problems.
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Do you trust your 6 year old not to get lured or tricked into a stranger's car that you can let her go places unsupervised, like a 15 year old?

Are you willing to take the risk to find out if she can be trusted to keep her wits about her in varying scenarios?



You should read my post again. I think you didn't understand what I was saying.
 
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ludin said:
it is called common sense.
setting standards of behavior is not a bad thing.

having standards of internet and phone usage is not a bad thing.
knowing who your kids are hanging out with and where they are going and what they are doing is not a bad thing.

not knowing any of that stuff is a bad thing and why kids end up on milk cartons.
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I agree with that, but if you are so concerned with such things why do you need to hack thier stuff? Why not just block it? That what child block is meant for isnt it? Do you really need to break trust and hack them?

tosca1 said:
Do you trust your 6 year old not to get lured or tricked into a stranger's car that you can let her go places unsupervised, like a 15 year old?

Are you willing to take the risk to find out if she can be trusted to keep her wits about her in varying scenarios?



You should read my post again. I think you didn't understand what I was saying.
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Your example is irrelevant since it has nothing to do with spying on your kids computer or reading his text. It has to do with you actually WATCHING YOUR CHILD. If you dont even check where your 6 year old is going when they go out you are a ****ty parent. You going through your child's email does not really change that. So you know learn to actually raise a kid before you come in with this BS that your 6 year old got kidnapped since you did not read his emails. No, your kid got kidnapped since you did not supervise them when they went outside, which just means your **** as a parent. Sorry to tell you buddy. While you are busy reading through those emails in the house, they are probobly wondering off your front lawn walking into traffic because you are not smart enough to just you know ACTUALLY ****ING WATCH THEM! Its going to be scary if you do have children. You going to randomly be searching their room and forget about the fact you actually have a kid to begin with. Than when they go missing who will you have to blame? You for not having very goo priorities.
 
MisterLogical said:
I agree with that, but if you are so concerned with such things why do you need to hack thier stuff? Why not just block it? That what child block is meant for isnt it? Do you really need to break trust and hack them?



Your example is irrelevant since it has nothing to do with spying on your kids computer or reading his text. It has to do with you actually WATCHING YOUR CHILD. If you dont even check where your 6 year old is going when they go out you are a ****ty parent. You going through your child's email does not really change that. So you know learn to actually raise a kid before you come in with this BS that your 6 year old got kidnapped since you did not read his emails. No, your kid got kidnapped since you did not supervise them when they went outside, which just means your **** as a parent. Sorry to tell you buddy. While you are busy reading through those emails in the house, they are probobly wondering off your front lawn walking into traffic because you are not smart enough to just you know ACTUALLY ****ING WATCH THEM! Its going to be scary if you do have children. You going to randomly be searching their room and forget about the fact you actually have a kid to begin with. Than when they go missing who will you have to blame? You for not having very goo priorities.
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Some of us don't have the privilege of living in the same state as our children. Life happens.

Besides, parents can't be there all the time even in the best of circumstances.
 
Kal'Stang said:
Spying =/= being overly restrictive. Spying is only used for watching out for things that will get the child into physical danger. It's not to be used to pester the kids for piddly stuff like drinking while underage. But it should be used for major stuff like drinking and driving or to prevent things like what was shown in the two videos that are in the thread.

Kids will get into trouble. That is a fact of life. You cannot stop it no matter how hard you try. But you can do everything that you can to keep your child from getting themselves raped or killed. That is what spying is to be used for. Nothing more, nothing less. There are other things that a parent can do in order to help and/or teach a kid on how to properly go through life. And sometimes that means letting the child get into trouble as getting into trouble may very well be the very thing that will teach them most effectively.

Its funny. Everyone in here is acting like those parents that spy on their kids do so in order to act on every little indiscretion. While some parents may very well be like that not all parents are. There is a proper place for spying on ones kid. But, it is not the end all be all of parenting.
Click to expand...

I don't think of it about any little indiscretion.

It is impossible to confront the child without betraying their trust if your only means to this information is spying.
 
MisterLogical said:
I agree with that, but if you are so concerned with such things why do you need to hack thier stuff? Why not just block it? That what child block is meant for isnt it? Do you really need to break trust and hack them?

Your example is irrelevant since it has nothing to do with spying on your kids computer or reading his text. It has to do with you actually WATCHING YOUR CHILD. If you dont even check where your 6 year old is going when they go out you are a ****ty parent. You going through your child's email does not really change that. So you know learn to actually raise a kid before you come in with this BS that your 6 year old got kidnapped since you did not read his emails. No, your kid got kidnapped since you did not supervise them when they went outside, which just means your **** as a parent. Sorry to tell you buddy. While you are busy reading through those emails in the house, they are probobly wondering off your front lawn walking into traffic because you are not smart enough to just you know ACTUALLY ****ING WATCH THEM! Its going to be scary if you do have children. You going to randomly be searching their room and forget about the fact you actually have a kid to begin with. Than when they go missing who will you have to blame? You for not having very goo priorities.
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What hacking are you talking about? Did I say anything about hacking?


FYI, as a foster parent I see some kids with no cell phones, and no access to the computer at all! NONE! Not my rules but the agency's - because it depends on whether you can trust the child not to go into porn sites, or other sites, or use their cell phones in ways that are dangerous to them. They've had history. It makes sense.

Trust is earned.

Going through someone's personal possession is considered "spying." Does it sits well with you to have your partner rifling through your stuffs in your brief case or wallet? So when you check out the kids' personal stuffs when you clean their rooms - that, already, is an invasion of privacy.
But it's necessary.
 
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Jerry said:
Some of us don't have the privilege of living in the same state as our children. Life happens.

Besides, parents can't be there all the time even in the best of circumstances.
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If that is the case, your example can be thrown out the window. Since Most parents live in the same house or at least same city as the child. Why exactly are you not in that state if you have custody of the child? How can you actually take care of them if that is the case? If you say "Its okay if we dont live in the same state" That is not most parents, and a lot of parents who agree/Have done this are not actually in different states. The idea that you somehow have custody but are not ever really with the child is bizarre. If you are not in the state who exactly is taking care of them? Since it cant be you.
 
MisterLogical said:
If that is the case, your example can be thrown out the window.
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What example? Of computers? Distance is irrelevant when it comes to the internet.

MisterLogical said:
Why exactly are you not in that state if you have custody of the child?
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The judge gave her custody because I deployed.

MisterLogical said:
How can you actually take care of them if that is the case?
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I can't. It sucks. I see a therapist and take medication for it.

MisterLogical said:
If you say "Its okay if we dont live in the same state" That is not most parents...
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Yeah, but I'm not talking about most parents.

MisterLogical said:
The idea that you somehow have custody...
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Well, I don't, so...

I do what I can, and that means, in part, monitoring use of online devices.

MisterLogical said:
If you are not in the state who exactly is taking care of them? Since it cant be you.
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Their mother, and her new husband.
 
Jerry said:
What example? Of computers? Distance is irrelevant when it comes to the internet.


The judge gave her custody because I deployed.


I can't. It sucks. I see a therapist and take medication for it.


Yeah, but I'm not talking about most parents.


Well, I don't, so...

I do what I can, and that means, in part, monitoring use of online devices.


Their mother, and her new husband.
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Your example does not count since its saying anyone who is for some reason is not in state can do it. However that is not most parents. Clearly if internet access is all you have with the kid, that is the only way to connect to them. However even if that case, I dont understand how you spying on their emails from across the world is really making any kind of difference when you cant actually be there to stop it if something did happen. If they were going to walk to a dude who lived down the block isnt it moms job to take care of the kid at that point? What can you possibly do when you are half way across the world? This is not meant to be cruel, but if the child is currently with the mother and the mother is literally right there with her, who do you think has more of a responsibility to worry about the kid right now? You are working and are unfortunately away from your kid at this point. You can not do anything when you are deployed.
 
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MisterLogical said:
Your example does not count since its saying anyone who is for some reason is not in state can do it. However that is not most parents. Clearly if internet access is all you have with the kid, that is the only way to connect to them. However even if that case, I dont understand how you spying on their emails from across the world is really making any kind of difference when you cant actually be there to stop it if something did happen.
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As if I can't can't call their mother....or 911...

You do understand this is 2015 right?
 
Kal'Stang said:
A parents job is not about making a connection....
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Actually it is. Without a strong, loving connection an infant will die or suffer from emotional, mental and physical problems. The hormones released during nursing or other activities that involve giving a child attention and affectionate touch are essential for health. Maintaining that connection gives children the confidence needed to face the world. Denying children the emotional nurturing that they need leads to the classic symptoms experienced by people with 'daddy' or 'mommy' issues.
 
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