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Should parents spy on thier kids?

Winchester said:
IMO it's an important part of growing up and learning to be independent to at times not have one's parents know what they are doing. Give them the tools (common sense) and let them be as much as possible.
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I agree...and reality (facts/statistics) say crime is down...we lived in a bubble...maybe that was a good thing for most of us
 
Dittohead not! said:
Of course, it depends on how old and how mature the kids are. Little ones need to be watched constantly, 24/7. Older ones can be gradually left on their own, but parents still have to know what they're up to. You don't wait until they're 18, then suddenly turn them loose. Neither do you give them a chance to make life altering decisions before they're ready.
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I'm not so sure about that...my family had a lot going on when I was growing up...the last thing I wanted to do was cause my parents more worry so I was careful not to do that...I had no curfew and came and went as I pleased...so did my girlfriends...we chose guys to hang around with who had the same freedom...I often would phone my mum at 2 or 3 to say I was staying over at a friends...I was...I didn't lie

when I got to university and saw these kids who had been coddled go wild I was horrified...like wtf...this was the time to settle down and work...these other youngun's were drinking and partying non stop...I was way beyond that by then...I felt like their mum and often did mother kids my own age
 
MisterLogical said:
What I mean by this is putting cameras on their computers, stuff to hack and monitor their emails, search their bags regularly and interrogate them about who they are texting on the cellphone since it has an area code from the city next door? I think it is bad since it can make them paranoid and unable to express themselves. I think people should all have an outlet somewhere. No I do not think the outlet should be murdering people but I think if you restrain a person too much that might very well be the road they lead down. A lot of parents are stupidly judgmental and do not understand that a child is not going to necessarily be a clone of you, or your robot. So a lot of times that child is not free to do things which they believe will displease mom and dad. I believe we should watch children but I dont think we should be suffocating them. I know parents say its to protect them since that 1 in a thousands kid is doing something stupid. However is having 999 psychos really worth it?
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I say no to spying and yes to watching and monitoring your children. A camera in their room monitoring them 24/7 without their knowledge is wrong. Checking up on them when your parental instincts lead you to believe they are lying or deceiving you is not. The computer is more dangerous than a gun to most children today. I don't think you should monitor every minute they are on the web or phone. I think you should randomly check on these devises and if suspicious get to the bottom of it. I would get professional help if necessary to track down a suspicion. Don't overlook the good responsible child. They are where your biggest surprise or nightmare may come from.
 
Winchester said:
Fine line between parent and friend. It's a kinda I know it when I see it line. But it is gratifying once they become adults and you can switch roles and they actually respect you and thank you for what you sacrificed for them. Never completely stop being a parent but it's nice when you can be their friend too.
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Yes, it's absolutely gratifying to see them become successful adults functioning in society. And you know they have matured when they start thanking you for said "sacrifices", support, love and often forgiveness. No, you never stop being a parent. Just wait till the grandkids come along. They might as well be your own. You know all those times you were on edge when the kids first got their license? You get to do that all over again when the grandkids start driving. You know all those heart to heart talks you had with your kids? You find yourself doing it all over again with the grandkids hoping they make good life choices. And if you are lucky to live long enough to be blessed with great grandkids, it starts all over again. :)
 
_Sal said:
I'm not so sure about that...my family had a lot going on when I was growing up...the last thing I wanted to do was cause my parents more worry so I was careful not to do that...I had no curfew and came and went as I pleased...so did my girlfriends...we chose guys to hang around with who had the same freedom...I often would phone my mum at 2 or 3 to say I was staying over at a friends...I was...I didn't lie

when I got to university and saw these kids who had been coddled go wild I was horrified...like wtf...this was the time to settle down and work...these other youngun's were drinking and partying non stop...I was way beyond that by then...I felt like their mum and often did mother kids my own age
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You must have been far more responsible than most teens. Congrats on not getting pregnant or in an alcohol induced car wreck at an early age.
 
Dittohead not! said:
You must have been far more responsible than most teens. Congrats on not getting pregnant or in an alcohol induced car wreck at an early age.
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I seriously don't know how that happened but all of my friends were...male and female and we all looked out for one another...many of us male and female worked together doing kitchen work at the hospital...two kids had super rich parents so if it was a big party we landed at their house...we drank ourselves silly and all took care of each other

I thought life was so rough in those days

looking back...my god even with all of the crap...idyllic

recently a guy from my town where i grew up started a group on FB called "if you grew up in __________you will remember when
I have reconnected with kids I went to kindergarten with
this summer did lunch with some people whom I hadn't seen in 45 years

life was better than I thought

I am grateful
 
_Sal said:
I'm not so sure about that...my family had a lot going on when I was growing up...the last thing I wanted to do was cause my parents more worry so I was careful not to do that...I had no curfew and came and went as I pleased...so did my girlfriends...we chose guys to hang around with who had the same freedom...I often would phone my mum at 2 or 3 to say I was staying over at a friends...I was...I didn't lie

when I got to university and saw these kids who had been coddled go wild I was horrified...like wtf...this was the time to settle down and work...these other youngun's were drinking and partying non stop...I was way beyond that by then...I felt like their mum and often did mother kids my own age
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Well Sal if I was your mother, we would have had several heart to heart talks. You call me at 2-3 in the morning to decide to let me know you are staying with friends would be a no starter. When you returned home your ass would have been grass and I would have been the lawnmower. Cheer!s
 
Доверяй, но проверяй


"Trust, but verify"
 
MisterLogical said:
So is your argument that we should only if the child has 0 common sense? I saved my friends from a pedophile when I was younger since I knew it was a trick. Not everyone is a complete retard, and if your children are I think its a reflection on your ****ty parenting.
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Even adults make mistakes; with kids its twofold. I dont care how much you teach your kids about common sense, they are still kids and will make bad decisions, its why they are kids and not adults. Believing that there are kids that wont make bad decisions is foolish and a parental noob mistake.
 
FreedomFromAll said:
Even adults make mistakes; with kids its twofold. I dont care how much you teach your kids about common sense, they are still kids and will make bad decisions, its why they are kids and not adults. Believing that there are kids that wont make bad decisions is foolish and a parental noob mistake.
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Even when its been proven false already? You are going to blindly stick to that?
 
MisterLogical said:
What I mean by this is putting cameras on their computers, stuff to hack and monitor their emails, search their bags regularly and interrogate them about who they are texting on the cellphone since it has an area code from the city next door? I think it is bad since it can make them paranoid and unable to express themselves. I think people should all have an outlet somewhere. No I do not think the outlet should be murdering people but I think if you restrain a person too much that might very well be the road they lead down. A lot of parents are stupidly judgmental and do not understand that a child is not going to necessarily be a clone of you, or your robot. So a lot of times that child is not free to do things which they believe will displease mom and dad. I believe we should watch children but I dont think we should be suffocating them. I know parents say its to protect them since that 1 in a thousands kid is doing something stupid. However is having 999 psychos really worth it?
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I'm one of those people who thinks she knows what she'd do even though I've never had children.

It's my job as a parent to keep my kids safe. Cell phones, social platforms and Internet connections are risky business for young people. I would monitor all of it. And bite my lip to try to only step in when I saw my child making a serious mistake. If my child was being bullied on the Internet, I would unplug him/her. Lousy grades? Unplug.

I'm pretty sire I would be a benovalent dictator, but a dictator nonetheless.
 
I remember as a kid I didnt like most of the rules that I was forced to follow. I even resented my parents for what I thought was too controlling and mean. Then I grew up and learned why they were like that. The only thing that I do different with my kids is tell them the rationale behind the rules. It greatly helps if they understand why the rules exist. Instead of my kids thinking that I am a asshole or too controlling they have learned that I am filling in for what they dont know yet. In doing so they learn from it.

Again though the OP seems to still look at this from a childs point of view.
 
MisterLogical said:
What I mean by this is putting cameras on their computers, stuff to hack and monitor their emails, search their bags regularly and interrogate them about who they are texting on the cellphone since it has an area code from the city next door? I think it is bad since it can make them paranoid and unable to express themselves. I think people should all have an outlet somewhere. No I do not think the outlet should be murdering people but I think if you restrain a person too much that might very well be the road they lead down. A lot of parents are stupidly judgmental and do not understand that a child is not going to necessarily be a clone of you, or your robot. So a lot of times that child is not free to do things which they believe will displease mom and dad. I believe we should watch children but I dont think we should be suffocating them. I know parents say its to protect them since that 1 in a thousands kid is doing something stupid. However is having 999 psychos really worth it?
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There's a delicate line between keeping an atmosphere of trust and looking out for problems.

I "spy" on my kids, but it's not really spying since I'm open about it. So is the ex, and we go about it the same way. We each own the device we're monitoring and we just make that known from the beginning. She owns their laptops and has some software on it. The kids know, and they know that we know that they can get around it if they realy wanted to; and maybe they've gotten away with it a few times we'll never know about.

Likewise I own their smart phone and have software on it, and maybe they've broken the rules a few time that I don't know about.

My goal isn't to know and control their every action. The goal is to present a reasonable degree of prevention from big problems.

I'm already saving to buy them a car, which I will technically own so that the GPS tag I install remains legal :)

The day will come when they buy these things for themselves and grow out of the nest, but that day is not today.
 
FreedomFromAll said:
I remember as a kid I didnt like most of the rules that I was forced to follow. ...
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On that note, I only have one rule: "don't do stupid ****", which is followed up by ongoing discussion of what is/is-not "stupid ****" as things come up in life. The goal is to get them to think things through, not simply obay so as not to be punished.

And yes, they get to say the word when they recite the rule.
 
Riveroaks said:
If a parent needs to spy on their kids then they have already failed as a parent.
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Though, I think that quite true, I would remind that quality control helps.
 
Winchester said:
No, it wouldn't be worth it. Chances of daughter running off with a stranger from the internet - virtually nil. Chances of completely ruing trust and your relationship with your child were they to find out - much greater than nil. Monitoring a child and their activities is not the same thing as spying. One is done with their full knowledge, the other isn't. Spying is destructive, monitoring is good parenting.
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I would rather ruin a trust and relationship with my child than have anything happen to my child. I am a parent first. Never a friend. My job is to raise my kids to be productive members of society and keep them safe. I will use whatever means is at my disposal to do so.

IMO parents try to be friends with their children at the cost of good parenting. What use is friendship if they're dead and you knew that you had the means to prevent it?

As for the chances of a daughter running off with a stranger from the internet....they have whole taskforces dedicated to seeking out online predators because it happens far more than "virtually nil". The Red Sox's winning the Super Bowl is "virtually nil". Online predators going after children is a daily occurrence. Learn the facts before you say something.

1 in 25 youths received an online sexual solicitation in which the solicitor tried to make offline contact
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The U.S. Department of Justice NSOPW ~ Raising Awareness about Sexual Abuse
 
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FreedomFromAll said:
Of course kids think that us parents should not spy on them. Some will even think that their parents are not capable of doing it.

But we do and it is called parenting.

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And here's the one that they did with boys doing the same stupid crap.

 
vesper said:
Well Sal if I was your mother, we would have had several heart to heart talks. You call me at 2-3 in the morning to decide to let me know you are staying with friends would be a no starter. When you returned home your ass would have been grass and I would have been the lawnmower. Cheer!s
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well each must parent as they feel best...

it sounds like you have never experienced that type of life style:
- small town,
- a no gun culture,
- friends families all were familiar with each other,
my girlfriend and I (still friends five decades later) were always together, ate at each other's place, slept at each other's place, if I was out with other friends she might be hanging with my mum,
- we could safely walk the streets, parents didn't drive us anywhere,
- we all went to school together,
- we all worked and paid our own way...and come to think of it...I don't remember anyone getting pregnant that I knew
- many of us went to the same university later

come to think of it...I doubt any generation after mine will ever experience that type of freedom, and that is a shame
 
Kal'Stang said:
I would rather ruin a trust and relationship with my child than have anything happen to my child. I am a parent first. Never a friend. My job is to raise my kids to be productive members of society and keep them safe. I will use whatever means is at my disposal to do so.

IMO parents try to be friends with their children at the cost of good parenting. What use is friendship if they're dead and you knew that you had the means to prevent it?

As for the chances of a daughter running off with a stranger from the internet....they have whole taskforces dedicated to seeking out online predators because it happens far more than "virtually nil". The Red Sox's winning the Super Bowl is "virtually nil". Online predators going after children is a daily occurrence. Learn the facts before you say something.



The U.S. Department of Justice NSOPW ~ Raising Awareness about Sexual Abuse
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Is spying really the right answer or is having frank discussions with your kids re sexual predators and teaching them what to look for and how to protect themselves. 1/25 receiving an online solicitation =/= to a child running off with an internet stranger nor does it warrant "spying" just to be sure.

I'm also not quite sure where your coming from as you seem to equate not spying on your kids as somehow being a less than ideal parent... you seem to equate not spying as friendship.

But to each their own when it comes to parenting.
 
I've known fathers who put key loggers on their kids laptops. And monitored cell phone use. On the other hand. I've seen 3 year old Hispanic kids walking down the street all by their lonesome. And I regularly see infants left in running cars. So, it's like everything else, there are those who do and there are those who don't.

I think placing kids on the defensive is a big mistake. And so for the most part I've always treated my kids like adults. But, different personalities, mitigating circumstances, I'm flexible. Carpe Diem! To the victor go the spoils. And I'm gonna win no matter the cost.
 
betuadollar said:
I've known fathers who put key loggers on their kids laptops. And monitored cell phone use. On the other hand. I've seen 3 year old Hispanic kids walking down the street all by their lonesome. And I regularly see infants left in running cars. So, it's like everything else, there are those who do and there are those who don't.

I think placing kids on the defensive is a big mistake. And so for the most part I've always treated my kids like adults. But, different personalities, mitigating circumstances, I'm flexible. Carpe Diem! To the victor go the spoils. And I'm gonna win no matter the cost.
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Carpe noctis, you filthy day-walker :)
 
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