Supporting your spouse

Do you support, and stand by, your spouse, even if they are wrong?

My husband was a cop for 17 years, and is all about respect and authority. If he and I disagree on something, he gets butthurt and says that I don't respect him and that I should support him and stand by his decision.

I tell him that I am a grown-ass woman with my own grown-ass ideas and ways of looking at things, and that this isn't the 50s. I also tell him that just because I don't agree with him, doesn't mean I don't respect him. I just disagree with him.

Current argument? Our daughter's bedroom. She's 18, and doesn't keep a perfectly tidy room, but it's OK. Much better than a lot of teenagers' rooms. The floor is clean, the shelves are clean - it's just a little sloppy, but not bad at all. He wants to be able to go in there and bounce a quarter off the bed. We disagree on this, and he says that I don't support him or respect him.

I do respect him, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree with him on everything.

Superfly said:

Do you support, and stand by, your spouse, even if they are wrong?

My husband was a cop for 17 years, and is all about respect and authority. If he and I disagree on something, he gets butthurt and says that I don't respect him and that I should support him and stand by his decision.

I tell him that I am a grown-ass woman with my own grown-ass ideas and ways of looking at things, and that this isn't the 50s. I also tell him that just because I don't agree with him, doesn't mean I don't respect him. I just disagree with him.

Current argument? Our daughter's bedroom. She's 18, and doesn't keep a perfectly tidy room, but it's OK. Much better than a lot of teenagers' rooms. The floor is clean, the shelves are clean - it's just a little sloppy, but not bad at all. He wants to be able to go in there and bounce a quarter off the bed. We disagree on this, and he says that I don't support him or respect him.

I do respect him, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree with him on everything.

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The only way disagreeing would be disrespectful is if one insults the person for the disagreement such as “you’re wrong idiot”.

Superfly said:

Do you support, and stand by, your spouse, even if they are wrong?

My husband was a cop for 17 years, and is all about respect and authority. If he and I disagree on something, he gets butthurt and says that I don't respect him and that I should support him and stand by his decision.

I tell him that I am a grown-ass woman with my own grown-ass ideas and ways of looking at things, and that this isn't the 50s. I also tell him that just because I don't agree with him, doesn't mean I don't respect him. I just disagree with him.

Current argument? Our daughter's bedroom. She's 18, and doesn't keep a perfectly tidy room, but it's OK. Much better than a lot of teenagers' rooms. The floor is clean, the shelves are clean - it's just a little sloppy, but not bad at all. He wants to be able to go in there and bounce a quarter off the bed. We disagree on this, and he says that I don't support him or respect him.

I do respect him, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree with him on everything.

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Yeah, he needs to quit conflating disagreement with disrespect. Does he think he's disrespecting you because he disagrees with you? Doubt it even crossed his mind. Smacks too much of patriarchy for my taste.

Are these new behaviors? Your post seems to indicate a long term marriage.

Superfly said:

Do you support, and stand by, your spouse, even if they are wrong?

My husband was a cop for 17 years, and is all about respect and authority. If he and I disagree on something, he gets butthurt and says that I don't respect him and that I should support him and stand by his decision.

I tell him that I am a grown-ass woman with my own grown-ass ideas and ways of looking at things, and that this isn't the 50s. I also tell him that just because I don't agree with him, doesn't mean I don't respect him. I just disagree with him.

Current argument? Our daughter's bedroom. She's 18, and doesn't keep a perfectly tidy room, but it's OK. Much better than a lot of teenagers' rooms. The floor is clean, the shelves are clean - it's just a little sloppy, but not bad at all. He wants to be able to go in there and bounce a quarter off the bed. We disagree on this, and he says that I don't support him or respect him.

I do respect him, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree with him on everything.

Click to expand...

You can respect a person without respecting their decision. Sounds like mostly internal family stuff and those things should be kept in the family.

Superfly said:

Do you support, and stand by, your spouse, even if they are wrong?

My husband was a cop for 17 years, and is all about respect and authority. If he and I disagree on something, he gets butthurt and says that I don't respect him and that I should support him and stand by his decision.

I tell him that I am a grown-ass woman with my own grown-ass ideas and ways of looking at things, and that this isn't the 50s. I also tell him that just because I don't agree with him, doesn't mean I don't respect him. I just disagree with him.

Current argument? Our daughter's bedroom. She's 18, and doesn't keep a perfectly tidy room, but it's OK. Much better than a lot of teenagers' rooms. The floor is clean, the shelves are clean - it's just a little sloppy, but not bad at all. He wants to be able to go in there and bounce a quarter off the bed. We disagree on this, and he says that I don't support him or respect him.

I do respect him, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree with him on everything.

Click to expand...

I've heard of the "Always present a united front when in public" form of support, but privately you have to pretend you don't have a dissenting opinion? **** that.

Superfly said:

Do you support, and stand by, your spouse, even if they are wrong?

My husband was a cop for 17 years, and is all about respect and authority. If he and I disagree on something, he gets butthurt and says that I don't respect him and that I should support him and stand by his decision.

I tell him that I am a grown-ass woman with my own grown-ass ideas and ways of looking at things, and that this isn't the 50s. I also tell him that just because I don't agree with him, doesn't mean I don't respect him. I just disagree with him.

Current argument? Our daughter's bedroom. She's 18, and doesn't keep a perfectly tidy room, but it's OK. Much better than a lot of teenagers' rooms. The floor is clean, the shelves are clean - it's just a little sloppy, but not bad at all. He wants to be able to go in there and bounce a quarter off the bed. We disagree on this, and he says that I don't support him or respect him.

I do respect him, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree with him on everything.

Click to expand...

Your daughter, she is 18, she is a grown-ass woman as well. Do either of you respect that or is it one of those, "my house , my rules" kind of situations? Becaue if you did respect her then you should be telling him to take it up with her, not you.

Superfly said:

Do you support, and stand by, your spouse, even if they are wrong?

My husband was a cop for 17 years, and is all about respect and authority. If he and I disagree on something, he gets butthurt and says that I don't respect him and that I should support him and stand by his decision.

I tell him that I am a grown-ass woman with my own grown-ass ideas and ways of looking at things, and that this isn't the 50s. I also tell him that just because I don't agree with him, doesn't mean I don't respect him. I just disagree with him.

Current argument? Our daughter's bedroom. She's 18, and doesn't keep a perfectly tidy room, but it's OK. Much better than a lot of teenagers' rooms. The floor is clean, the shelves are clean - it's just a little sloppy, but not bad at all. He wants to be able to go in there and bounce a quarter off the bed. We disagree on this, and he says that I don't support him or respect him.

I do respect him, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree with him on everything.

Click to expand...

Bounce a quarter off the bed? Just a guess - is your hubby ex-military?

You are correct that disagreeing is not the same as disrespecting.

Been there done that. Tell hubby a home is not a Marine barracks.

Praxas said:

The only way disagreeing would be disrespectful is if one insults the person for the disagreement such as “you’re wrong idiot”.

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No, I don't do that. Would not do that.

Winchester said:

Yeah, he needs to quit conflating disagreement with disrespect. Does he think he's disrespecting you because he disagrees with you? Doubt it even crossed his mind. Smacks too much of patriarchy for my taste.

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It does to me, too, Win. He is a little older than me, though - I think you and I have talked about this. He's from a different generation than we are, plus he went into the military at 17 years old. Much of his formative youth was spent learning about respect and authority regardless of the situation. Don't get me wrong, he was taught respect and authority at home, but respect and authority at home are totally different from respect and authority in the military. :lol:

Rexedgar said:

Are these new behaviors? Your post seems to indicate a long term marriage.

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No, not new at all. It just came up this morning, and I wanted to ask others' opinions, and if they, or their spouses, felt the same way.

I'm thinking it's mostly a military thing with him, but I could be wrong.

Spartacus FPV said:

I've heard of the "Always present a united front when in public" form of support, but privately you have to pretend you don't have a dissenting opinion? **** that.

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See -- when I am wrong, I will admit it, and that's one of the issues we have. I don't always present a united front with him. If he is wrong, I tell him that I don't agree. I guess I shouldn't do this, but he was talking about her room being messy (and I am a pretty tidy person, so if I don't think it's messy, it's not messy) and I disagreed with him.

soylentgreen said:

Your daughter, she is 18, she is a grown-ass woman as well. Do either of you respect that or is it one of those, "my house , my rules" kind of situations? Becaue if you did respect her then you should be telling him to take it up with her, not you.

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I respect her wishes to do whatever she wants. I was a teenager with a messy room once. Most of us were. But out of respect for him, I also try to keep things on an even keel. Like if her dirty clothes are spilling over into the living room when she opens the door, there's a problem. But if it's not bad, then I disagree with him about it, and it causes a rift.

lurchadams said:

Bounce a quarter off the bed? Just a guess - is your hubby ex-military?

You are correct that disagreeing is not the same as disrespecting.

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Yes. Retired Army.

Rogue Valley said:

Been there done that. Tell hubby a home is not a Marine barracks.

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:lol: Think I'll use that the next time. She is a good kid. She is. The room is, for the most part, passable. DEFINITELY passable for a teenager's room, and I have experience in this, because she is the 5th teenager I've raised. He should know this too, because out of all of our kids (his, mine and ours), she seems to have the best head on her shoulders. He just is anal about a few things, and that is one of them.

See, Hubby and I are often like oil and water. He is all about respect and authority, and I am all about "question authority." I would have been one of the hippies who put a daisy in his rifle if I'd lived during the 60s.

Superfly said:

I respect her wishes to do whatever she wants. I was a teenager with a messy room once. Most of us were. But out of respect for him, I also try to keep things on an even keel. Like if her dirty clothes are spilling over into the living room when she opens the door, there's a problem. But if it's not bad, then I disagree with him about it, and it causes a rift.

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Clean bedrooms wasn't a battle we ever wanted to fight. :lol: We pretty much granted the kids that as their personal space and left them to it with the exception of no computers/electronics (much easier pre-smart phone days).

Of course you can disagree respectfully. I can understand not wanting to disagree in front of your young children but your kid is an adult.

Based solely on your side of the story I would say you are in the right on this.

Winchester said:

Clean bedrooms wasn't a battle we ever wanted to fight. :lol: We pretty much granted the kids that as their personal space and left them to it with the exception of no computers/electronics (much easier pre-smart phone days).

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Right. Well we used electronics and gadgets as punishment for them, when they needed it. No phone, or iPad, or anything.

Skeptic Bob said:

Of course you can disagree respectfully. I can understand not wanting to disagree in front of your young children but your kid is an adult.

Based solely on your side of the story I would say you are in the right on this.

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Yeah, that's what I keep telling him, but he doesn't see it. :lol: If I am wrong, I'll admit it. I don't believe I am wrong here.

I sympathize. Men are kind of like that. He's definitely got some challenges given the age difference, the generation, the military..he's got his work cut out for him.

I'll tell you this, most men don't have a lot of role models with regards to how to be a husband. I mean, it's mostly in private, so they simply don't get exposed to good (or bad!) role models, and experience from peers is one of the ways we learn that stuff. We mostly get it from work, which is the absolute worst example to follow! That, and their own parents. That's often the only experience they have with it. Most men, even if they have been married for years, are literally ignorant noobs about how to be a good spouse.

My former boss as a workaholic, entrepreneur, fearless, a micro-manager, super intense. I worked out of his house for a few weeks during a business transition and got to hang around his family and see them all interact. It sticks with me today as a real eye opener, he was so kind to his wife, just sweet and loving, I was shocked. I was literally like "You can be that way to a wife!?!" His wife loved it, maybe not all women would, but he deferred to her a lot, without question. She wasn't wearing the pants, he simply didn't argue down her opinions or choices on a lot of things the way...ahem, some of us may naturally want to do. And at work, he was 100% the opposite, you couldn't say anything without being challenged. I'm nowhere near that way, but it's helped me to remember that it's OK to be sweet to a wife just because, and "correct" is often entirely missing the point of home life. (There is no manual or code of what makes a good family for a reason).

So I would say you're absolutely right, and you sound fairly level-headed about it (you're not asking to be a princess, but just for partnership), and you can sway him to your side I bet with a little time. I don't know how to make that transition, I think it depends on you and him on which approach will be best, so I'll stay out of that. My guess would be that the less you seem to be "correcting his bad behavior", and instead making it a "how can we grow together into an ever better relationship", may be good. Kill him with sweetness, he doesn't have defenses for that I bet

The corollary to this is sometimes that when you do get your way, they will hold it over you later if things aren't perfect. Have to teach them not to do that either...I'm particularly bad about that one still.

Superfly said:

Do you support, and stand by, your spouse, even if they are wrong?

My husband was a cop for 17 years, and is all about respect and authority. If he and I disagree on something, he gets butthurt and says that I don't respect him and that I should support him and stand by his decision.

I tell him that I am a grown-ass woman with my own grown-ass ideas and ways of looking at things, and that this isn't the 50s. I also tell him that just because I don't agree with him, doesn't mean I don't respect him. I just disagree with him.

Current argument? Our daughter's bedroom. She's 18, and doesn't keep a perfectly tidy room, but it's OK. Much better than a lot of teenagers' rooms. The floor is clean, the shelves are clean - it's just a little sloppy, but not bad at all. He wants to be able to go in there and bounce a quarter off the bed. We disagree on this, and he says that I don't support him or respect him.

I do respect him, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree with him on everything.

Click to expand...

I agree with you, but you seem to have run into a very ingrained trait your husband has. I am pretty anti-authoritarian, so I'll shut up now.

After a little levity :

Superfly said:

Right. Well we used electronics and gadgets as punishment for them, when they needed it. No phone, or iPad, or anything.

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We let them use the computer whenever they wanted, but it was out in the open. No way I was going to let them have unmonitored unfettered access locked in their rooms.

<alt>doxygen said:

I agree with you, but you seem to have run into a very ingrained trait your husband has. I am pretty anti-authoritarian, so I'll shut up now.

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Me too. But my problem is I don't shut up. He starts pulling his military tough guy stuff, and I start pulling the, "You are not the boss of me" stuff and it goes downhill.

And yes, this is something he's had ingrained from years in the Army, so I do see his point. I just don't agree with it.

That being said, disagreeing with it doesn't make me disrespect him. Just disagree with him. He just cant distinguish between the two.