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Dating a cocaine addict

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Problem is I'm crazy in love with her. I got the classic butterflies in my stomach, I dont sleep well, My appetite is a lot less, and can't stop thinking about her. Somebody once told me you can't really help who you fall in love with and I can vouch for that, its certainly true (at least for me)

Infatuation results in the same symptoms. As we have all been guilty of at some point, you may be letting the wrong head do the thinking for you.

Of course, your situation may be different, but I have seen this situation a lot. It ends every time in tears.
 
Once or twice a week is NOT an addict. Does drinking one or two nights a week make one an alcoholic? No.

There is a risk that 1.) she actually uses more often than that and isn't being totally forthcoming, or 2.) she could allow it to escalate from occasional recreation to addiction over time.

Absent of those risks, it's totally up to YOU how it affects the relationship. You either need to kick the stigma about occasional use and appreciate everything else she has to offer, or decide now that it's a deal-breaker and go find someone else. I don't recommend demanding that she stop if it really is just an occasional recreational thing that's not actually causing any tangible problems. I can see that leading to resentment towards you and she might end up sneaking it without your knowledge, which would lead to trust issues.
 
So I met this beautiful, gorgeous girl. She's a real-estate agent here in Toronto, she's hard-working and makes over $150K a year because she's really good at selling. She is in her mid 20's, I'm in my mid 40's. We hit it off as soon as we met. Call it love at first sight or whatever.

Everything is perfect, except for the fact she likes to do cocaine once or twice a week. I personally DESPISE drugs in all its forms, especially cocaine. I worked as a tarbender in the nightclub industry during the 90's and my GM was a serious addict. So I know what to look for and what the signs are of someone who does coke regularly. I also heard from 2 different sources that she is indeed a user.

So my question to you guys is, can a relationship like that ever work?? Or is it doomed to fail??
I did some research and addicts most of the time will pick their drug over their mate. Maybe not right away but in due time.

Opinions??

From your description, it seems she didn't share this with you herself, so you've already got her keeping secrets, and you having to surveille her to learn about her habits. I'd frankly be shocked it that was the extent of her baggage.

You know the drug, and you know the odds. Relationships have survived worse, but not often.

At the least, I'd get it out in the open with her.
 
We've only dated a few weeks now, I wouldnt call it a relationship just yet. But its certainly headed that way

Then you should address this while you can. This could be what determines the fate of your relationship.

Like I said, if you are truly committed to this woman, then you need to talk about it with her ASAP. Because if her habit becomes worse then the only thing you will get out of this is pain.
 
So I met this beautiful, gorgeous girl. She's a real-estate agent here in Toronto, she's hard-working and makes over $150K a year because she's really good at selling. She is in her mid 20's, I'm in my mid 40's. We hit it off as soon as we met. Call it love at first sight or whatever.

Everything is perfect, except for the fact she likes to do cocaine once or twice a week. I personally DESPISE drugs in all its forms, especially cocaine. I worked as a tarbender in the nightclub industry during the 90's and my GM was a serious addict. So I know what to look for and what the signs are of someone who does coke regularly. I also heard from 2 different sources that she is indeed a user.

So my question to you guys is, can a relationship like that ever work?? Or is it doomed to fail??
I did some research and addicts most of the time will pick their drug over their mate. Maybe not right away but in due time.

Opinions??

It's probably more than once or twice a week (based on first hand experience with colleagues in finance/real estate), and yes, I don't think the relationship will last, especially if her drug use is a problem for you.
 
So I met this beautiful, gorgeous girl. She's a real-estate agent here in Toronto, she's hard-working and makes over $150K a year because she's really good at selling. She is in her mid 20's, I'm in my mid 40's. We hit it off as soon as we met. Call it love at first sight or whatever.

Everything is perfect, except for the fact she likes to do cocaine once or twice a week. I personally DESPISE drugs in all its forms, especially cocaine. I worked as a tarbender in the nightclub industry during the 90's and my GM was a serious addict. So I know what to look for and what the signs are of someone who does coke regularly. I also heard from 2 different sources that she is indeed a user.

So my question to you guys is, can a relationship like that ever work?? Or is it doomed to fail??
I did some research and addicts most of the time will pick their drug over their mate. Maybe not right away but in due time.

Opinions??

If she's a true addict, she won't have a career very much longer because the drug will be more imporant to her. She'll pick going on benders that last 2-3 days, then recovering for a day and never going to work. Then when her nose quits working she'll start rocking it up. That's how it works. If she's not an addict, then why not get zooted and party all night with her? Cocaine is almost always a fail though. It's hard to walk the line of having a good time vs. overindulgence. Balls in your court. But, if you disapprove of drug use, I'd let her alone.
 
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I've only dated her for a few weeks now so I cant say for sure, but my guess is she's more of a weekend social user. We went house hunting for 12 days in a row, and she only missed one day (a saturday).

Problem is I'm crazy in love with her. I got the classic butterflies in my stomach, I dont sleep well, My appetite is a lot less, and can't stop thinking about her. Somebody once told me you can't really help who you fall in love with and I can vouch for that, its certainly true (at least for me)



That's infatuation talking. It wears off in a few months. You will not know if you have a real basis for a lasting relationship until AFTER the new-shiny wears off and you can think straight again.


Best break off now. The longer you wait the more enmeshed you get, the harder it can be to break free.


It's a pretty road right now but it will turn ugly and rough eventually, almost guaranteed.


GTFO before her addiction has a chance to ruin your life. All I can say.



NOTHING you feel right now is going to be worth the pain you'll have later.
 
Ex-cop. Live in an area afloat in meth. Seen a-plenty.

1. Most addicts don't quit and stay quit.

2. Addictions usually get worse, not better.

3. Eventually functional addicts become nonfunctional addicts, all too often.

4. Yes they will probably choose their drug over you, even after decades of marriage.

5. In the long term addiction affects cognition in fundamental ways, and tends to bring their worst traits out and destroy most of the good.

6. Eventually most reach a point where NOTHING matters except their next fix... not their spouse, not their children, not their life.


Which drug doesn't really matter. I've seen similar patterns with alcohol, prescription painkillers, crack, meth... weed seems to be less of a problem than most things but once they pass "wake n bake" stage it can get bad too.


I knew a wonderful woman, a devoted wife and mother, who turned into a monster. When hubby confronted her about her addiction she tried to kill him. She lost everything.

I knew a man who was a devoted and doting grandpa... now his grandkids are lucky if he bothers to make it to their birthday or notice they exist once in a while.

Knew people who seemed fine upstanding folk who eventually ended up in prison for robbery, trying to feed that addiction.


IMHO, do not walk, RUN far far away
I read somewhere that the success rate for people completing rehab and staying off drugs is aboot 5%.

Is that accurate??
 
So I met this beautiful, gorgeous girl. She's a real-estate agent here in Toronto, she's hard-working and makes over $150K a year because she's really good at selling. She is in her mid 20's, I'm in my mid 40's. We hit it off as soon as we met. Call it love at first sight or whatever.

Everything is perfect, except for the fact she likes to do cocaine once or twice a week. I personally DESPISE drugs in all its forms, especially cocaine. I worked as a tarbender in the nightclub industry during the 90's and my GM was a serious addict. So I know what to look for and what the signs are of someone who does coke regularly. I also heard from 2 different sources that she is indeed a user.

So my question to you guys is, can a relationship like that ever work?? Or is it doomed to fail??
I did some research and addicts most of the time will pick their drug over their mate. Maybe not right away but in due time.

Opinions??

Leave her or help her
 
I read somewhere that the success rate for people completing rehab and staying off drugs is aboot 5%.

Is that accurate??

They gotta want it. If life sucks for them without drugs they are going to get high. The thing that stops them is jail. If they go to jail that will generally scare people from the straight world sober.
 
I read somewhere that the success rate for people completing rehab and staying off drugs is aboot 5%.

Is that accurate??


I haven't looked up the stats but it sounds about right.

I've seen LOTS of people go to Rehab. It's damn near a joke. Offhand I can't think of more than two that stayed clean long-term.

Well, I know some alcoholics that did AA and stayed clean. I've known/known-of dozens of people addicted to hard drugs that went to Rehab... most were back on within a year.


5% is probably about right. Especially if someone pushes them into it, rather than it being something they do on their own.


Now you're probably thinking she might be in the 5%, 'cuz your love will see her though. Don't. That's a fantasy. They have to do it themself, for their own reasons, to have a chance.



Now I'mma tell you something that won't be a popular viewpoint. Is she religious? About the only people I've ever seen get clean and stay that way were or become very devoutly religious and drew strength from that. I don't have any stats on this, just 50 years of life experience and what I've seen.

Otherwise, the odds are very much not in your favor.


My crystal ball is in the shop, only God knows the future... but I've seen so many train wrecks that I can usually call them early and I'm rarely wrong. This sounds like a train wreck to me.


Good luck to ya whatever you decide.
 
I haven't looked up the stats but it sounds about right.

I've seen LOTS of people go to Rehab. It's damn near a joke
Tell me aboot it. I used to watch that Dr. Drew show called 'Celebrity Rehab' and most of the show's cast is now dead or broke from doing so much drugs. Rehab clearly doesnt work, I think its probably a waste of time and money
 
So I met this beautiful, gorgeous girl. She's a real-estate agent here in Toronto, she's hard-working and makes over $150K a year because she's really good at selling. She is in her mid 20's, I'm in my mid 40's. We hit it off as soon as we met. Call it love at first sight or whatever.

Everything is perfect, except for the fact she likes to do cocaine once or twice a week. I personally DESPISE drugs in all its forms, especially cocaine. I worked as a tarbender in the nightclub industry during the 90's and my GM was a serious addict. So I know what to look for and what the signs are of someone who does coke regularly. I also heard from 2 different sources that she is indeed a user.

So my question to you guys is, can a relationship like that ever work?? Or is it doomed to fail??
I did some research and addicts most of the time will pick their drug over their mate. Maybe not right away but in due time.

Opinions??

Don't get caught with too much of her cocaine on you.
On the other hand, I have known people that took various drugs cocaine among them that had no real problem, when it was no longer chic to take it.

On the other hand, I have seen people go down with alcohol irretrievably
 
I was personally addicted to cocaine in the '70s. I think everyone in town was. It's a really big waste of money if you aren't willing to deal. I wasn't.

Passing the mirror was a favorite party pastime. You snort a couple of lines, it hits you, and you are euphoric for roughly 20 minutes. That's it. Then what? The mirror comes around and you do it again. Rinse and repeat.

You get a cute little glass bottle and a small spoon. Now you're Hip! You buy fluffy powder in slick magazine paper that folds a certain way to protect the contents.

If you are like me, your habitually problematic sinuses get to be much worse. So one day while you are complaining about them to a Biker, he says that you wouldn't have that problem if you shot up. Plus, the blast will be even more euphoric!

50 cent shots that ring your ears and make you taste it in your throat are awesome, until they aren't. They become 1 dollar shots ($100), and the high still doesn't last over a half hour max. What kind of a fool is willing to blow a Benjamin for a half-hour high? Repeatably, until out of money?

The people that I knew in South 'O' were connected. They were importing pink rocks from Bolivia. I could score mine from the uncut batch! Yipee!

At that point I started to see a problem. I moved to Dallas Texas in 1978. I planned to kick. My roomie and I did a lot of drugs, but the cocaine he scored was about 95% manitol (the cut) and the rest cocaine. It was street garbage. It was easy to pass on, fortunately for me :)

I have never done any since I left Omaha. But one needs to want to stop, and that decision is impossible when it's around.


Your new girlfriend is going to do cocaine. That is her decision. What will be yours?
 
So I met this beautiful, gorgeous girl. She's a real-estate agent here in Toronto, she's hard-working and makes over $150K a year because she's really good at selling. She is in her mid 20's, I'm in my mid 40's. We hit it off as soon as we met. Call it love at first sight or whatever.

Everything is perfect, except for the fact she likes to do cocaine once or twice a week. I personally DESPISE drugs in all its forms, especially cocaine. I worked as a tarbender in the nightclub industry during the 90's and my GM was a serious addict. So I know what to look for and what the signs are of someone who does coke regularly. I also heard from 2 different sources that she is indeed a user.

So my question to you guys is, can a relationship like that ever work?? Or is it doomed to fail??
I did some research and addicts most of the time will pick their drug over their mate. Maybe not right away but in due time.

Opinions??

In the US I would move on simply because there would be no future with someone who could render my house the property of the government because of their habits. Beyond that, it is up to you. I would at least be keeping an eye open for someone closer to my age. Those 20 years will be a detriment to the relationship at some point even if her habits are not.
 
So I met this beautiful, gorgeous girl. She's a real-estate agent here in Toronto, she's hard-working and makes over $150K a year because she's really good at selling. She is in her mid 20's, I'm in my mid 40's. We hit it off as soon as we met. Call it love at first sight or whatever.

Everything is perfect, except for the fact she likes to do cocaine once or twice a week. I personally DESPISE drugs in all its forms, especially cocaine. I worked as a tarbender in the nightclub industry during the 90's and my GM was a serious addict. So I know what to look for and what the signs are of someone who does coke regularly. I also heard from 2 different sources that she is indeed a user.

So my question to you guys is, can a relationship like that ever work?? Or is it doomed to fail??
I did some research and addicts most of the time will pick their drug over their mate. Maybe not right away but in due time.

Opinions??

My wife says addicts don't take mates, they take hostages.
 
So I met this beautiful, gorgeous girl. She's a real-estate agent here in Toronto, she's hard-working and makes over $150K a year because she's really good at selling. She is in her mid 20's, I'm in my mid 40's. We hit it off as soon as we met. Call it love at first sight or whatever.

Everything is perfect, except for the fact she likes to do cocaine once or twice a week. I personally DESPISE drugs in all its forms, especially cocaine. I worked as a tarbender in the nightclub industry during the 90's and my GM was a serious addict. So I know what to look for and what the signs are of someone who does coke regularly. I also heard from 2 different sources that she is indeed a user.

So my question to you guys is, can a relationship like that ever work?? Or is it doomed to fail??
I did some research and addicts most of the time will pick their drug over their mate. Maybe not right away but in due time.

Opinions??

People who do coke are fun to be around for a couple of hours or so but when they're still having fun at 3am and you're not it gets pretty damned annoying. Sorry, bro, but I have to recommend NO on this one.
 
A user isn't an addict, but every addict was a user.

I'm going with Rick James on this one, Cocaine is a hell of a drug so the risk of her going off the rails are higher than if it were something else.

Its risky, she had really better be worth it. If you're not going to leave her, keep your head on a swivel for red flags... especially if shes frequently short on money despite her income or if things of yours start to disappear.
 
We've only dated a few weeks now, I wouldnt call it a relationship just yet. But its certainly headed that way

If you're house hunting for 12 days straight, it's a relationship.
 
So I met this beautiful, gorgeous girl. She's a real-estate agent here in Toronto, she's hard-working and makes over $150K a year because she's really good at selling. She is in her mid 20's, I'm in my mid 40's. We hit it off as soon as we met. Call it love at first sight or whatever.

Everything is perfect, except for the fact she likes to do cocaine once or twice a week. I personally DESPISE drugs in all its forms, especially cocaine. I worked as a tarbender in the nightclub industry during the 90's and my GM was a serious addict. So I know what to look for and what the signs are of someone who does coke regularly. I also heard from 2 different sources that she is indeed a user.

So my question to you guys is, can a relationship like that ever work?? Or is it doomed to fail??
I did some research and addicts most of the time will pick their drug over their mate. Maybe not right away but in due time.

Opinions??

A hard rain is gonna fall before she comes around. Been around too many addicts in my life to say anything different to you.
 
Now I'mma tell you something that won't be a popular viewpoint. Is she religious? About the only people I've ever seen get clean and stay that way were or become very devoutly religious and drew strength from that. I don't have any stats on this, just 50 years of life experience and what I've seen
We havent talked much about religion.
She does have a spiritual side to her, she owns lots of books on Law of Attraction and Eckhard Tolle (as do I)
 
We havent talked much about religion.
She does have a spiritual side to her, she owns lots of books on Law of Attraction and Eckhard Tolle (as do I)


No offense, but I haven't seen the modern sorta-spiritual-in-a-nonspecific-way being much use in battling addiction. Just my experience, YMMV.


Your call. I've done the knight-in-shiny-armor rides to rescue damsel-in-distress. Problem is a lotta D.I.D's don't really WANT to be rescued if you force it on them they resent it and soon find some more distress to get into.

You end up with dented rusty armor, lots of wounds and no damsel.


Usually.
 
My wife says addicts don't take mates, they take hostages.


HOLEY HANNAH that's a remarkably sharp and accurate way of putting it.


QFT.


Consider that phrase stolen.
 
So I met this beautiful, gorgeous girl. She's a real-estate agent here in Toronto, she's hard-working and makes over $150K a year because she's really good at selling. She is in her mid 20's, I'm in my mid 40's. We hit it off as soon as we met. Call it love at first sight or whatever.

Everything is perfect, except for the fact she likes to do cocaine once or twice a week. I personally DESPISE drugs in all its forms, especially cocaine. I worked as a tarbender in the nightclub industry during the 90's and my GM was a serious addict. So I know what to look for and what the signs are of someone who does coke regularly. I also heard from 2 different sources that she is indeed a user.

So my question to you guys is, can a relationship like that ever work?? Or is it doomed to fail??
I did some research and addicts most of the time will pick their drug over their mate. Maybe not right away but in due time.

Opinions??
If you don't like it now it will gnaw at you more as time progresses and you will resent it even more.
 
No offense, but I haven't seen the modern sorta-spiritual-in-a-nonspecific-way being much use in battling addiction. Just my experience, YMMV.


Your call. I've done the knight-in-shiny-armor rides to rescue damsel-in-distress. Problem is a lotta D.I.D's don't really WANT to be rescued if you force it on them they resent it and soon find some more distress to get into.

You end up with dented rusty armor, lots of wounds and no damsel.


Usually
I hear ya, bro.

I think I'm just gonna keep dating her and see where it goes.
If it doesnt work out, it doesnt work out.

Probably the best strategy is not to be judgemental and try not to make it an issue
 
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