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Transcript of Trump Putin Meeting
President Putin: Donald, you did a really good job at the NATO summit. Our plans to destroy NATO are coming along just fine.
President Redneck: I really told them, didn’t I. Yeah, I really told them what’s what. I’m the most stable genius ever and I showed them my superior intelligence. I’ve got more brains than any five of them put together. They were bowing down before me, groveling on the floor, kissing my ass, licking my boots, telling me how much they adore me, shrinking in fear……………..
President Putin: OK, Donald, OK. You did a good job with NATO but your Senate voted 97-2 to support NATO. How could you let this happen? You’ve been in charge almost two years. Two years!!! Do we have to start releasing some of our kompromat to get you to control Congress? Do you want to go to jail,
Donald? We’ve got very nasty Russian people in your American jails, Donald. Or maybe we will poison you so that you die an extremely slow and excruciatingly painful death?
President Redneck: No Sir. No Sir. Please don’t do that. I’ll do anything. I can’t take pain. No pain. Please, please.
President Putin: Then you are going to have to make an example out of a few Senate members. Murder them and have their bodies dumped on the Capital steps for the whole world to see. Like I do. It’s very effective. The Senate will then snap into line and do anything you ask of them.
President Redneck: OK, I’ll call Michael Cohen and have him arrange it.
President Putin: NO YOU F***ING IMBECILE, YOU CAN’T CALL COHEN. EVER. Repeat after me, I can never call Michael Cohen.
President Redneck: But, we have attorney client privilege and he knows how to arrange these things and he said he will take a bullet for me, and …………
President Putin: SHUT UP. SHUT UP YOU DAMN MORON. (Putin takes a number of deep breaths.) Now, repeat after me, I can never call Michael Cohen.
President Redneck: I can never call Michael Cohen. I can never call Michael Cohen. I can……
President Putin: OK, Donald, listen carefully, all you need to do is keep your mouth shut, the murders will be conducted by Brian Benczkowski. He is a pro and can pull this off without a hitch.
President Redneck: Who?
President Putin: WHO? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHO? Benczkowski, you frigging idiot. You just nominated him to head the FBI’s Criminal Division. We’ve been working together on this for years, you moron. Can’t you remember anything? Listen you fool, Benczkowski has all the tools and expertise needed to commit the murders and pin the whole thing on Hillary Clinton.
President Redneck: Oh. OK. That sounds good. I hate Hillary Clinton. Really good. Really good. You are so smart……..Never call Michael Cohen. Keep my mouth shut. Never call Michael Cohen. Keep my mouth shut…………(President Redneck blathers for a while; Putin slams back some vodka.)
President Redneck: ……………..But, after the Senators are murdered, do I get to be President-for-Life? And when I want to quit, Don Jr.?
President Putin: Not yet Donald. One step at a time. We’ve got lots of other work for you to do first. You still haven’t done anything about that SOB Mueller. Now he has indicted 12 of my best GRU agents. How could you let that happen? I thought you had that under control. When are you going to fire Mueller?
President Redneck: I hate Mueller. I hate him. I hate him. He put my friend Paul Manafort in jail and took all the files from my fixer Michael Cohen. I wish he hadn’t done that because………
President Putin: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I’m talking about Mueller and the 12 Russian Military personnel indictments, you idiot.
President Redneck: Oh those. Well, they are just fake news. Hannity said so. Don’t worry about them.
President Putin: THEY ARE NOT FAKE NEWS YOU BLATHERING IDIOT! Twelve of my GRU agents were identified by name and location. They show a direct connection to me. This does not look good for me on the world stage. How could you let this happen?
President Redneck: My advisors said that I couldn’t fire Mueller. The advisors said……..
President Putin: I’M YOU ADVISOR, YOU FREAKING MORON!! I GIVE THE ORDERS, NOT YOUR ADVISORS…. Give me your hand.
President Redneck: (gives Putin his hand) OUCH! What was that?
President Putin: Just a tiny pinprick, a non-lethal sample of the poison we will use on you if you don’t get rid of Mueller.
President Redneck. OOOOWWW! My hand feels like it’s on fire. AAAAAAGGGGG! It’s running up my arm. AAAAHHHHH STOP THIS. STOP THIS. I’LL DO ANYTHING. ANYTHING. PLEA…… (President Redneck passes out. Putin makes sure the implant behind President Redneck’s ear is still in place. Putin sits down and waits for President Redneck to wake up.)
President Putin: Donald, you did a really good job at the NATO summit. Our plans to destroy NATO are coming along just fine.
President Redneck: I really told them, didn’t I. Yeah, I really told them what’s what. I’m the most stable genius ever and I showed them my superior intelligence. I’ve got more brains than any five of them put together. They were bowing down before me, groveling on the floor, kissing my ass, licking my boots, telling me how much they adore me, shrinking in fear……………..
President Putin: OK, Donald, OK. You did a good job with NATO but your Senate voted 97-2 to support NATO. How could you let this happen? You’ve been in charge almost two years. Two years!!! Do we have to start releasing some of our kompromat to get you to control Congress? Do you want to go to jail,
Donald? We’ve got very nasty Russian people in your American jails, Donald. Or maybe we will poison you so that you die an extremely slow and excruciatingly painful death?
President Redneck: No Sir. No Sir. Please don’t do that. I’ll do anything. I can’t take pain. No pain. Please, please.
President Putin: Then you are going to have to make an example out of a few Senate members. Murder them and have their bodies dumped on the Capital steps for the whole world to see. Like I do. It’s very effective. The Senate will then snap into line and do anything you ask of them.
President Redneck: OK, I’ll call Michael Cohen and have him arrange it.
President Putin: NO YOU F***ING IMBECILE, YOU CAN’T CALL COHEN. EVER. Repeat after me, I can never call Michael Cohen.
President Redneck: But, we have attorney client privilege and he knows how to arrange these things and he said he will take a bullet for me, and …………
President Putin: SHUT UP. SHUT UP YOU DAMN MORON. (Putin takes a number of deep breaths.) Now, repeat after me, I can never call Michael Cohen.
President Redneck: I can never call Michael Cohen. I can never call Michael Cohen. I can……
President Putin: OK, Donald, listen carefully, all you need to do is keep your mouth shut, the murders will be conducted by Brian Benczkowski. He is a pro and can pull this off without a hitch.
President Redneck: Who?
President Putin: WHO? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHO? Benczkowski, you frigging idiot. You just nominated him to head the FBI’s Criminal Division. We’ve been working together on this for years, you moron. Can’t you remember anything? Listen you fool, Benczkowski has all the tools and expertise needed to commit the murders and pin the whole thing on Hillary Clinton.
President Redneck: Oh. OK. That sounds good. I hate Hillary Clinton. Really good. Really good. You are so smart……..Never call Michael Cohen. Keep my mouth shut. Never call Michael Cohen. Keep my mouth shut…………(President Redneck blathers for a while; Putin slams back some vodka.)
President Redneck: ……………..But, after the Senators are murdered, do I get to be President-for-Life? And when I want to quit, Don Jr.?
President Putin: Not yet Donald. One step at a time. We’ve got lots of other work for you to do first. You still haven’t done anything about that SOB Mueller. Now he has indicted 12 of my best GRU agents. How could you let that happen? I thought you had that under control. When are you going to fire Mueller?
President Redneck: I hate Mueller. I hate him. I hate him. He put my friend Paul Manafort in jail and took all the files from my fixer Michael Cohen. I wish he hadn’t done that because………
President Putin: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I’m talking about Mueller and the 12 Russian Military personnel indictments, you idiot.
President Redneck: Oh those. Well, they are just fake news. Hannity said so. Don’t worry about them.
President Putin: THEY ARE NOT FAKE NEWS YOU BLATHERING IDIOT! Twelve of my GRU agents were identified by name and location. They show a direct connection to me. This does not look good for me on the world stage. How could you let this happen?
President Redneck: My advisors said that I couldn’t fire Mueller. The advisors said……..
President Putin: I’M YOU ADVISOR, YOU FREAKING MORON!! I GIVE THE ORDERS, NOT YOUR ADVISORS…. Give me your hand.
President Redneck: (gives Putin his hand) OUCH! What was that?
President Putin: Just a tiny pinprick, a non-lethal sample of the poison we will use on you if you don’t get rid of Mueller.
President Redneck. OOOOWWW! My hand feels like it’s on fire. AAAAAAGGGGG! It’s running up my arm. AAAAHHHHH STOP THIS. STOP THIS. I’LL DO ANYTHING. ANYTHING. PLEA…… (President Redneck passes out. Putin makes sure the implant behind President Redneck’s ear is still in place. Putin sits down and waits for President Redneck to wake up.)
