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How to let a lady down easy.... On Christmas?

justabubba said:
my assumption is this is a lady you would like to remain friends with since she is a part of your local social circle

then attend the Christmas services with her and be cordial when meeting her parents. if you are able to, without sounding forced, try to share with them how wonderful their daughter is. since she is your friend, hopefully, that will not be a difficult thing to do

unless she broaches the subject about taking your platonic friendship to a different status, you are fine. you still have a good female friend and now her parents will think well of you, too. no need to destroy that good - yet platonic - friendship

continue to be a platonic friend. that doesn't change unless you let it


now, if you have an existing romantic relationship with her you are wanting to cut off because you want to move on to another woman, forget what i posted above. you're on your own. and it may be possible she will be ok with your getting some strange on the side
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In the case of getting some strange he'd have to have a death wish to tell her. I tried that once with a lady I was dating. There's nothing like a kick in the nuts to drive home a point being made. That was when I learned not to talk to my strange about getting strange from my strange. (One was from Hickory and the other lived in Boone.)
 
SDET said:
When I was wife hunting 20 years ago, I insisted on meeting the girl's parents and I'm glad I did in spite of the 500 km drive to the middle of nowhere. If she doesn't have a history of respecting her parents, she won't respect you. This chick was out and out ashamed of her parents. They were nice people, friendly and hospitable as the day is long. They happened to be illiterate and live in structure made of sticks and mud. They killed one of their chickens to make sure I had a good breakfast. Her mother told me that before she left Piaui, that daughter was a handful (me deu muito trabalho). I knew at them moment that she wasn't fit for a relationship. After that the sent me nutty emails with thousands of lines of "I hate you!". She went into full nutcase mode. She even scraped up the money to call me in the USA. Meeting her parents saved my ass!
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I'm guessing you didn't try to bang her mom.
 
Risky Thicket said:
In the case of getting some strange he'd have to have a death wish to tell her. I tried that once with a lady I was dating. There's nothing like a kick in the nuts to drive home a point being made. That was when I learned not to talk to my strange about getting strange from my strange. (One was from Hickory and the other lived in Boone.)
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But he's not dating lady #1, they're just friends, so there is nothing wrong with him mentioning to her - as a friend sharing good news - that he is falling in love with lady #2.
 
Risky Thicket said:
I'm guessing you didn't try to bang her mom.
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That's funny. All jokes aside, you overlook my 25 year old age limit. Besides that her parents had a relationship that would be the envy of many. They were dirt poor but seemed happy.

Just for laughs and giggles, I did a Google maps search of the area. It hasn't changed in the 20 years since I have been there. See the link below for street view photos.

Google Maps - Batalha - Piaui - Brasil
 
It may be cruel to say so, and I've participated in both threads by EMNofSeattle asking for relationship advice, where I provided my sincere, honest, and serious advice.

But I can't help but think, EMNofSeattle, don't you have anybody in your life with whom you might discuss this in person, like a best friend, a sister, a mother, etc., to the point that you need to ask for the advice of a bunch of strangers in an anonymous Internet message board? Why exactly do you want us to weigh in? We don't know you, and we don't know the ladies in question.

Sorry, but I frankly find it a bit weird.
 
GreatNews2night said:
But he's not dating lady #1, they're just friends, so there is nothing wrong with him mentioning to her - as a friend sharing good news - that he is falling in love with lady #2.
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Right, and to be truthful I'd handle it differently, but I'm not EM. Risky would probably casually drop the news about the California lady to Lady number one's friends. EM owes lady number one nothing. They don't have a relationship as far as I can tell. But if he wants to be a stand-up guy beyond the call of duty he can let her know that whatever she's thinking he isn't thinking.

Or he could make a move and suggest a weekend away; dinner, drinks, dancing and a king-sized bed. That should do it. She'll never speak to him again. But there is the off chance she will agree to a wild weekend. That would complicate matters.
 
I’m confused; has there been a face-to-face meeting with the “falling in love with woman’ from CA?
 
I wouldn't burn any bridges. She sounds like a keeper.

Just tell her that you aren't comfortable YET on doing the Christmas or "meet the parents" thing. Put the emphasis on "yet". That doesn't slam any doors. Just say, "Let's keep going like we're going. I like this. You're one of the best friends I got." Don't make a big deal about and don't let it become a big deal. Keep it light.

Then, go check out the babe in Cali. That may be a total bust. You really don't know yet. Everybody's cool in the internet.

It's none of the other lady friends business what you do with your "personal" life yet as there is no commitment nor assumed commitment. So I see no point in filling her in on what you're doing in that respect.

If Cali turns out to be love at first sight and you just got to have that, you can explain it later if you have to. Just remembers, keep your words honest. But be selective what words you put out there. You can only be judged on what you say. Not what you don't say.

Good luck.

Baby steps.
 
Josie said:
“Hey girl - I really like this other girl but if it doesn’t work out then you’re next in line.” :roll: :2sick1:
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That may sound absurd to you, but such a thing will fly more often than you think. It's at least honest and no trickery is involved.
 
EMNofSeattle said:
So here's the set up,

There's a lady I'm friends with from Church, who I'm certain likes me, we went out for coffee once and talked a little in person, and so she asked If I wanted to join her for a Christmas service at the Church, which is good and well but then after some more talking (over facebook PMs) she indicates she wants me to meet her parents. Now this bothers me for a few reasons but the biggest is that I never really suspected this lady was interested in me relationship wise, and while this has been going on I've met a different lady who lives in California that I'm flying down to see in a couple weeks, lady number 2 I've spent maybe totally 20 hours on the phone/facetime with and I feel we connect in every single way, and so since I feel connected to lady number 2, I really know I need to make it clear to #1 that I'm not interested in further then friends. I'm not somebody who can play the field especially if things are serious. (see my previous thread "online dating woes")

So my question is, I've made the decision in my mind I need to tell the first lady I'm not interested in her further then regular friends (I've been friends with this lady now for a year and we're in the same social circle) Is there a best way to word a rejection that's respectful?

I've never had to reject a lady before And I want some advice on this.
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Unless you've indicated there's more than a passing interest, I don't see the need to tell either anything at this point. Lady #1 is making overtures. Lady #2 you knowing nothing about.
 
Helpful hint on the one you get serious about: Keep your eyes peeled for debt collection letters and the like. If she can't handle her finances or at least be realistic enough to have someone do it for her, she will inject unwanted chaos into anyone's life that she partners up with.

You can also do a courthouse record search on her.
 
GreatNews2night said:
It may be cruel to say so, and I've participated in both threads by EMNofSeattle asking for relationship advice, where I provided my sincere, honest, and serious advice.

But I can't help but think, EMNofSeattle, don't you have anybody in your life with whom you might discuss this in person, like a best friend, a sister, a mother, etc., to the point that you need to ask for the advice of a bunch of strangers in an anonymous Internet message board? Why exactly do you want us to weigh in? We don't know you, and we don't know the ladies in question.

Sorry, but I frankly find it a bit weird.
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Isnt this why the board here exists?

But ok since you asked, imagine three circles, my family, my “secular friends” and my “church friends”

No one in my family besides my self and a grandmother are religious, and my attempts to get advice from them are unprofitable because they’re either really old or think the key to happiness are the type of relationship I’m not interested in. I love them but I’m the square peg in the round hole.

My friends from work and school tend to be single and perpetually single and have no relationship desires, I don’t consider them good sources of advice.

Obviously this isn’t something I wish to share with anyone in the church circle.

Besides I feel advice on a topic like this is useful for other people. Why do people call radio talk shows for advice?
 
EMNofSeattle said:
Isnt this why the board here exists?

But ok since you asked, imagine three circles, my family, my “secular friends” and my “church friends”

No one in my family besides my self and a grandmother are religious, and my attempts to get advice from them are unprofitable because they’re either really old or think the key to happiness are the type of relationship I’m not interested in. I love them but I’m the square peg in the round hole.

My friends from work and school tend to be single and perpetually single and have no relationship desires, I don’t consider them good sources of advice.

Obviously this isn’t something I wish to share with anyone in the church circle.

Besides I feel advice on a topic like this is useful for other people. Why do people call radio talk shows for advice?
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I think that your brainstorming for ideas on a message board is quite reasonable. Don't forget to do that courthouse record search on her.
 
Risky Thicket said:
That's good advice, in my opinion, Josie.

It appears to me that the lady is a bit fragile, coffee and a 20-minute convo and she wants him to meet her parents is a massive red flag. She is likely a very nice person and credits to EM for being perceptive and concerned.

The lady is jumping to conclusions and/or trying to force something that isn't there. If that is the case subtle hints won't work. Maybe the "I'd like to meet your parents but I don't want to give them the wrong impression. I'm kinda involved with a lady in California" might work. And to add, I would do it by text or email in an effort to let her save face.

Meeting the parents requests usually made me run away faster than lightening. That crap scares the hell out of most men. There is a place for it but not, not, not, until the relationship is waaaaaaaaay on down the road.

It is EM's problem because he wants to do that right thing but it is not EM's fault.
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OTOH, it could just be a friendly gesture. Due to a sudden serious illness, my Christmas plans were cancelled. By choice I elected to spend Christmas alone. I've had several offers, which I declined. Most people think no one should be alone on Christmas.
 
EMNofSeattle said:
I get that, I don't wish to string her along further and I've made up my mind I'm not going to, I'm more just trying to think how to word it.
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Are you stringing her along? A couple cups of coffee and some convo among friends is not stringing her along.
 
If you decide to take my advice on the record search, you should look for both criminal and civil court records.
 
EMNofSeattle said:
Isnt this why the board here exists?

But ok since you asked, imagine three circles, my family, my “secular friends” and my “church friends”

No one in my family besides my self and a grandmother are religious, and my attempts to get advice from them are unprofitable because they’re either really old or think the key to happiness are the type of relationship I’m not interested in. I love them but I’m the square peg in the round hole.

My friends from work and school tend to be single and perpetually single and have no relationship desires, I don’t consider them good sources of advice.

Obviously this isn’t something I wish to share with anyone in the church circle.

Besides I feel advice on a topic like this is useful for other people. Why do people call radio talk shows for advice?
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OK, fair enough, you make some good points.

I changed my mind regarding my advice. If you want to signal to lady #1 that you are not interested in her romantically, maybe the best way is indeed what someone else said, casually mention in front of one of her friends that you're falling in love with lady #2.

All the advice other people here gave you, to play the game and keep lady #1 in waiting, I think if I read you correctly, does not apply, because apparently you do want to keep her as a friend but YOU are not interested in a romantic relationship with her; you just want to let her down gently which is commendable.

So, the question is, how to break the news to her gently? Casually mentioning to common friends that you're seeing someone in California should do it.
 
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Are you SURE you want a serious relationship and are not just fooling yourself? In other posts you seem to favor long distance relationships. You can make them look serious when they really are not. I wonder if your disinterest in the local person stems from her being accessible on a daily basis.
 
SDET said:
Are you SURE you want a serious relationship and are not just fooling yourself? In other posts you seem to favor long distance relationships. You can make them look serious when they really are not. I wonder if your disinterest in the local person stems from her being accessible on a daily basis.
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Interesting insight!
 
EMNofSeattle said:
So here's the set up,

There's a lady I'm friends with from Church, who I'm certain likes me, we went out for coffee once and talked a little in person, and so she asked If I wanted to join her for a Christmas service at the Church, which is good and well but then after some more talking (over facebook PMs) she indicates she wants me to meet her parents. Now this bothers me for a few reasons but the biggest is that I never really suspected this lady was interested in me relationship wise, and while this has been going on I've met a different lady who lives in California that I'm flying down to see in a couple weeks, lady number 2 I've spent maybe totally 20 hours on the phone/facetime with and I feel we connect in every single way, and so since I feel connected to lady number 2, I really know I need to make it clear to #1 that I'm not interested in further then friends. I'm not somebody who can play the field especially if things are serious. (see my previous thread "online dating woes")

So my question is, I've made the decision in my mind I need to tell the first lady I'm not interested in her further then regular friends (I've been friends with this lady now for a year and we're in the same social circle) Is there a best way to word a rejection that's respectful?

I've never had to reject a lady before And I want some advice on this.
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I swear I didn't read all of the comments on this thread but that movie Meet the Parents came to mind big time. Be careful nothing good ever came out of a competition.
 
EMNofSeattle said:
So here's the set up,

There's a lady I'm friends with from Church, who I'm certain likes me, we went out for coffee once and talked a little in person, and so she asked If I wanted to join her for a Christmas service at the Church, which is good and well but then after some more talking (over facebook PMs) she indicates she wants me to meet her parents. Now this bothers me for a few reasons but the biggest is that I never really suspected this lady was interested in me relationship wise, and while this has been going on I've met a different lady who lives in California that I'm flying down to see in a couple weeks, lady number 2 I've spent maybe totally 20 hours on the phone/facetime with and I feel we connect in every single way, and so since I feel connected to lady number 2, I really know I need to make it clear to #1 that I'm not interested in further then friends. I'm not somebody who can play the field especially if things are serious. (see my previous thread "online dating woes")

So my question is, I've made the decision in my mind I need to tell the first lady I'm not interested in her further then regular friends (I've been friends with this lady now for a year and we're in the same social circle) Is there a best way to word a rejection that's respectful?

I've never had to reject a lady before And I want some advice on this.
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Invite her to meet the lady you like should she visit you. Talk a lot about the lady you feel good with.
 
Robertinfremont said:
Invite her to meet the lady you like should she visit you. Talk a lot about the lady you feel good with.
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That's overdoing it. No need to be cruel and to make lady #1 jealous. It's sufficient to casually make lady #1 aware that the OP is romantically interested in lady #2.
 
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