Relationship dealbreakers

Checkerboard Strangler said:

I get that whole Italian thing, being half Italian myself but I am not sure what you mean because you don't seem like the type that goes in for all the old greaseball formalities in old Palermo or Calabria, and besides, when IN Calabria, the ones who are the most effusive in their outward displays of respect MIGHT be the ones loading up to take a shot at you.
I'm sure you get my drift, what with being Calabrese and all.

Click to expand...

I'm glad you used the word effusive. It's a great word. No, I'm not speaking of that effusive Mustache Pete public display of respect, but the respect that occurs in the private relationships between members of one's family. Well mostly, anyways.

You know, defer to each other, and hold each other in high regard. Keep your family business private. And go to the ends of the world for each other. Put each other first. And I'll also add showing respect for elders. We still defer to our matriarchs and patriarchs in family matters.

The Italian half of my family turned out to be the warm ones, after my father passed away all our German-Jewish relatives sort of disappeared off the map, it is sad to say. I have an eldest brother who makes every effort to be a Messianic Jew and goes through all the motions of being Jewish but the Haas relatives sort of dropped off the map after my father was killed while the Amorosos stuck with our family and drew us even tighter into the fold. So I really identify as Italian more than anything else.

But we're really the sarcastic and half-crazy Italians. We love the family togetherness but half the time we're trash talking and making each other laugh and trying to one-up each other, so the whole serious formalities are lost on us.
For us, respect is sticking by each other when things get tough, and when others on the outside are doing us wrong.
Outside of that, we're just loud and obnoxious, and we love to cook up tasty things to eat and we're very touchy feely affectionate and musical.
After all, we are "Amorosos" which means "amorous".

Click to expand...

Oh, Italians are warm. Absolutely. And Poles are the same way. They're even less pretensions. But with all that warmness, there still is some of that undercurrent running where those outside the family and having business or other interactions with us, do have to approach us in the right way. It's hard to explain, though. But it gets noticed.

Polyamorist so cheating isn't really a thing, but otherwise it would be.

Political incompatibility, definitely. I've tried putting that aside once, never again; always the slow trickle of conflict, despite even promises not to get political, that inevitably escalates into a torrent.

Sexual incompatibility; self-explanatory. If a woman is strictly vanilla, that's an absolute no, or if she's super into kinks I can't bring myself to enjoy/tolerate, or can't enjoy/tolerate my own.

A lack of mutual interests, because sex alone can only hold things together for so long.

Inability to communicate openly and honestly; I'm not a telepath, nor should I be one (much as I might like that at times).

Irresponsibility; if you run up your credit cards without the intent to pay them off before the grace period or at least promptly, act blindly, fail to have contingencies and just generally are a reckless person, I'm not interested, neither in you or the drama your actions are inevitably going to result in.

Idiocy; obvious. Have no patience for it, it's not cute.

Addiction/substance abuse; nope.

Josie said:

What have you experienced in your relationships or observing other people's relationships that you just couldn't deal with? What are some behaviors you wouldn't put up with from a significant other - things that would make you walk away or not even get the relationship started in the first place?

I could not and would not deal with any man who is easily angered. No thank you - next.

Click to expand...

Extremes on the confidence spectrum.

It drives me nuts when a woman has little to no self confidence. I mean, for Pete's sake, have an opinion and an aspiration from time to time. It's OK to let your freak flag fly from time to time. Likewise, I don't need to be constantly reminded about how confident you are. It's life, not a game show. You don't "win" anything because you tried absolutely everything...twice.

Chomsky said:

I'm glad you used the word effusive. It's a great word. No, I'm not speaking of that effusive Mustache Pete public display of respect, but the respect that occurs in the private relationships between members of one's family. Well mostly, anyways.

You know, defer to each other, and hold each other in high regard. Keep your family business private. And go to the ends of the world for each other. Put each other first. And I'll also add showing respect for elders. We still defer to our matriarchs and patriarchs in family matters.

Oh, Italians are warm. Absolutely. And Poles are the same way. They're even less pretensions. But with all that warmness, there still is some of that undercurrent running where those outside the family and having business or other interactions with us, do have to approach us in the right way. It's hard to explain, though. But it gets noticed.

Click to expand...

Sounds like we're on the same page, I guess. Although I still have to say, my maternal grandmother was a total character.
She could coax birds from a tree and make them land on her finger, also lizards, squirrels, you name it.
She had an army of stray feral neighborhood cats that she took care of but she told them she would only feed them if they cut the birds some slack.
I kid you not, it's as if they understood her.

She was as funny as the dickens and used to have us little kids rolling on the floor, but if you pissed her off, you got the wooden spoon, and I'm here to say, it was no joke, she was as strong as an ox.
And despite not even having more than an eighth grade education and being an immigrant from the old country, that woman could figure out stuff that most people had to go to school for.
She rigged up her own motorized meat grinding machine and made her own antenna from the clothesline when the radio couldn't pull in her favorite music - - in 1929!! She could fix broken light switches and she knew how to check and fill the oil on the old Cadillac her husband bought her.
(He had one too)

She had my mother at age fifteen, in the old country. So it was almost like they were more like sisters sometimes.
Yes, my mom was a character, too.

Grandmother and Grandfather Amoroso


My mother and father

Checkerboard Strangler said:

Sounds like we're on the same page, I guess. Although I still have to say, my maternal grandmother was a total character.
She could coax birds from a tree and make them land on her finger, also lizards, squirrels, you name it.
She had an army of stray feral neighborhood cats that she took care of but she told them she would only feed them if they cut the birds some slack.
I kid you not, it's as if they understood her.

She was as funny as the dickens and used to have us little kids rolling on the floor, but if you pissed her off, you got the wooden spoon, and I'm here to say, it was no joke, she was as strong as an ox.
And despite not even having more than an eighth grade education and being an immigrant from the old country, that woman could figure out stuff that most people had to go to school for.
She rigged up her own motorized meat grinding machine and made her own antenna from the clothesline when the radio couldn't pull in her favorite music - - in 1929!! She could fix broken light switches and she knew how to check and fill the oil on the old Cadillac her husband bought her.
(He had one too)

She had my mother at age fifteen, in the old country. So it was almost like they were more like sisters sometimes.
Yes, my mom was a character, too.

Grandmother and Grandfather Amoroso
View attachment 67246593

My mother and father
View attachment 67246594

Click to expand...

Wow. Thanks for sharing all this. I just love the dignity often seen in the pictures of our older generations. Look at them, and then look how we kinda' fell apart in the sixties in that regard. We looked like bums! How did they ever put up with us?

Well, after reflecting on these last few posts, trying to form the right words, I really think much of what I'm referring to as "respect" is in the terms of familial interaction. Yeah, both sides of my family are still hierarchal and deferring to matriarchs & patriarchs. Only a very few are left from the old country. But even today in a matter involving us siblings, I'll defer to my Mom if she were to get involved. Similar to my old country born uncle. In other words, if they weighed-in on an important opinion involving us as family, I'd give way to their judgment. But I'm also not simply following them blindly. They've shown excellent judgment and impartiality since we were in the cradle. But it's not just their judgment I'm responding to, but their position of authority of to interject their judgment as to right & wrong. It's both facets, at play.

Here's another respect example: There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that would get me to complain about my wife to anyone but her. Not to my brothers, not to my Mom, not to my friends, not to associates and co-workers. It's an unwritten rule between us. Never had to even be discussed. It just is. I once worked with a couple of guys that complained about their wives all day long, every day. I was blown away. They disrespected the **** out of their wives firstly, buy telling us everything about them. And just as badly, the complaining guys looked like cheap **** because they were complaining about their women! I mean, how can I look these guys in the eyes and feel good about them, when they're complaining about their wives? See what I mean?

Anyway. It's hard to explain, but easy to feel. If that makes sense?

Josie said:

I had to look up "Popeye cigarettes". I remember candy cigarettes, but I don't remember Popeye being on the box. You'd think he'd be the face of "candy smoking pipes".

Click to expand...

Popeyes were the best because one end was dyed red to simulate a lit cigarette. The other brands were just sugar sticks. Gotta go with the quality!

Skeptic Bob said:

Being overcontrolling.

Click to expand...

So no leash in bed for you?

Relationship dealbreakers

Click to expand...

cheating is the big one for me. i have dated some cheaters. never again.

luckily, i'm married now, and it is my goal to stay that way.

Most forms of murder.

Attempting to murder me.

For me, it's personality/character types that would be "deal breakers." The sort of women with whom I'd enter into a relationship aren't going to exhibit any behaviors that I'd find unacceptable, and the women who would aren't women whom I'd date, at least not once I see character traits that I find unacceptable.

Hawkeye10 said:

Most forms of murder.

Attempting to murder me.

Click to expand...

well, there's that, for sure.

First and foremost, no man is good enough for me to deny my God
Secondly, mutual love for animals. I went on a date with a guy who was nice enough to give him a chance. When he brought me home and met my rather large pups, he asked why I had not just one, but 3 useless mutts. He hadn't even seen my cats yet. So off he went.
Another problem is not accepting my family, both sides. No man is good enough for me to deny my family.
Alcohol abuse and chauvinism and lack of respect for people in general.
My husband and I found each other, and are now married for over 20 years.

Cheating, addiction, abuse and unchristian.

Checkerboard Strangler said:

Goddamn, I not only have to tip my hat to her, but to you as well.
Apparently you must be quite the stud-muffin, or something about you is so compelling that she has managed to stick with quitting the hardest addiction of them all.

So not only hats off to her, but hats off to you too. Whatever you brought into the relationship, it must have been pretty damn good

Click to expand...

Thanks, but the all credit goes to her. If she used my presence as motivation, that's great, but she's the one that kicked it. I never pressed her about it, guilt tripped her or anything. I think she it was something she really wanted for herself. She told me during the Christmas holidays back in 1998 that she was going to quit on her birthday - mid January. And she did it. This coming birthday it will be 20 years.

I never got hooked on those things, even though I was dumb enough to dabble with them in HS. I was lucky. Very lucky.

Any woman that disrespects her parents is unworthy of a long term relationship. She will treat you the way she treats her parents.

Quag said:

When I was much younger I would offer popeye cigarettes to girls in bars. Those who accepted them seemed to have a sense of humour, those who looked at me like I was crazy were ones I knew I wouldn't get along with. So I guess lack of sense of humour or being overly serious would also be a deal breaker.
Of course my wife has an excellent sense of humour, after all she married me

Click to expand...

To me lack of sense of humor = lack of intelligence. That's the big deal-breaker for me - a person who is unable to challenge me.

Any number of things could make a relationship fail but my automatic no-negotiation deal brakers are:

• Poor personal hygiene,
• Poor social manners,
• Drug abuse,
• Obesity,
• Inability to maintain an income,
• Needy.

lurchadams said:

To me lack of sense of humor = lack of intelligence. That's the big deal-breaker for me - a person who is unable to challenge me.

Click to expand...

Well, some people are just dry and vanilla, and just don't have quirky personalities. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, if that's what you like. But I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone like that. My girlfriend and I click so well because we're always screwing around and making sarcastic jokes. Having a sense of humor is a great thing.

TheGoverness said:

Well, some people are just dry and vanilla, and just don't have quirky personalities. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, if that's what you like. But I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone like that. My girlfriend and I click so well because we're always screwing around and making sarcastic jokes. Having a sense of humor is a great thing.

Click to expand...

And that's the way it should be, Miss Gov! People that can't grasp humor or who are unable to laugh at themselves I have no time for.

Ranting on and on about what bastards her exs were.

lurchadams said:

That's the big deal-breaker for me - a person who is unable to challenge me.

Click to expand...

You break out the MMA gear before or after a glass of wine?

Bodhisattva said:

You break out the MMA gear before or after a glass of wine?

Click to expand...

Some men prefer women that challenge them mentally (that's me) some prefer women who are mentally challenged.

You now know which one I am.

lurchadams said:

Some men prefer women that challenge them mentally (that's me) some prefer women who are mentally challenged.

You now know which one I am.

Click to expand...

As a mentally challenged guy that seeks like minded women I only know which one you are because you told me in your previous sentence... wait, which one are you again?

Josie said:

What have you experienced in your relationships or observing other people's relationships that you just couldn't deal with? What are some behaviors you wouldn't put up with from a significant other - things that would make you walk away or not even get the relationship started in the first place?

I could not and would not deal with any man who is easily angered. No thank you - next.

Click to expand...

Phones at a restaurant. Walking in front. Wild clothing. Tattoos. Smoking. Yelling at or slapping children. Dirty car. Too much make up. Too long fingernails. Bad teeth. Chipped nail polish. Dirty feet. Spare tire. Aggressive behavior, political or otherwise. Bad relationship with parents. Ugly druggie friends. Overboard with religion. Overboard about no religion. Estranged from one or more members of the family.

Just to name a few.

Halitosis.