Why I'm reluctant finding someone now

Herkamer63 · Apr 20, 2018

I'm 32 years old. I have never been in a relationship with another woman my whole life. Not that I have never tried asking a woman out, but rather I have bad luck or just have a bad taste in women. My more recent attempts as an adult prove very difficult.

The first girl I asked out turned out to be a psycho. She accused me of being a stalker when that never happened nor was there any signs of it. Apparently, she did the same to a bunch of other guys as well, and she had a bunch skeletons in her closet. Anyway, months passed and I found another girl I knew, and it was one of those "I don't know/maybe" ones. In the end nothing happened and that was the trend for the next 7-8 years then went on a hiatus from asking anyone.

I met girl almost 2 years ago. We're very close in age, she's in the health field like me, and we had some things in common. I really liked her. I always talked to her, but I found out she liked dating older guys and was a big flirt. So, needless to say, I felt like I got played and that was that with her. Over the past several years, I only had 1 "no" answer only because the girl had a boyfriend, and if I would have acted, there were 1 of 2 women I could have started something with and been very happy taking home to the family. I was an idiot, though, and let those opportunities slip by.

Anyway, the main reason is I'm so reluctant is because I've been hung out to dry or have been led on so many times that I've all but given up. The ones I seem to attract are free loading, opportunist single mothers and psychotic women, and I have no desire for either one, no matter what they look like or what they do. Call me shallow, but I've seen what those 2 groups do. I've tried dating sites and they're not doing it for me. I'm practically at my wits end. If anyone out there feels and/or gone through similar things, post up on here. I don't mean to sound like a downer, but it just seems like all the good women are being taken and guys like me are getting stuck with the left overs, despite our best efforts. I feel like it's getting worse, too. I hope I'm wrong.

Hawkeye10 · Apr 20, 2018

Am I to understand that you are a woman?

There are better people around, less than there used to be for sure and thus harder to meet.

Giving up is an option, it is your life after all you get to do with it what you want....but why give up?

EDIT: I am speaking as an American.

Wan · Apr 20, 2018

I think he's a guy.

Anyway, I am turning 39 this summer and I have never had a romantic relationship. Ever. I used to want to have a boyfriend really bad when I was in college. But now, I am simply content with the way things are, how my life is. I appreciate the fact that I don't have a family to support, which I very well might have to do if I ever got serious with someone. Now, I go out with my friend to restaurants, I go on internet forums anytime I want, and basically I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I have so much freedom.

So basically what I am trying to say is that it can really be a good thing, if you try to look at it from another perspective. I firmly believe that it is possible to live a happy, fulfilling life without a partner.

ElChupacabra · Apr 20, 2018

You can either become a victim to bad experiences and live with the repressed desire to bond with others romantically while isolating yourself, or learn from your mistakes and try again. Which ever you choose, just be at peace with your decision.

dirtpoorchris · Apr 20, 2018

"Life in a puddle isn't so bad if it ends after the first time" ~Real Folk Blues

justabubba · Apr 20, 2018

Herkamer63, the following advice is probably worth only what you have paid for it. besides, we bubbas are not known for our suave personalities. but here goes

stop looking for a relationship. instead, find a female friend. better yet multiple female friends
over time one of those friendships could blossom into something more. she will let you know if she is looking for more than pure friendship. trust me on that
or, one of your female friends may know just the woman she believes will be perfect for you. stop. do not seek a relationship with that girl friend's girl friend. start with building another friendship. and if it is destined to become something more, she will let you know
notice the theme. first, find a friend. second, let the friend find you as a prospective partner
be patient. you have already waited 32 years

i like to go out to play and hear live music, sail wet boats, and participate in athletic sporting events. despite what you see on these boards, i am actually an introvert. but by being engaged in fun gatherings, it has been easy to get to know a variety of wonderful women; the ones who tend to reach out to guys rather than being the object of pursuit. i am friendly with them and those who seek more than pure friendship let me know
but that is me. i now know you are a 32 year old guy who works in the medical industry and is presently frustrated by the dating scene. i don't need to know more. however, you need to identify what you enjoy doing in a social setting. and then do those things where women are likely to be present. do not allow yourself to be judgmental or someone identified as being desperate. women hate that crap. instead, be open, and casual, and friendly - never pushy.

after the great recession hit i became very involved in the launch and management of a soup kitchen. one of the benefits of that volunteerism i did not anticipate was how many like minded people i would meet. at least half of them women. wonderful people who gave of themselves to help others. being in the medical industry, it would not surprise me to learn you resonate with such people. if so, one of the activities you should consider pursuing is volunteering with one or more organizations that are helping in an arena of your interests. however, i implore you to please follow the above advice; look for friends. and hope one develops into something more. because she will let you know

and good luck with this

PleasantValley · Apr 20, 2018

If you are another woman and interested in dating women, all I can give you some hints that my two feminine lesbians friends talk about a lot.

1. Looks...in your early 30's it is all about looks, no matter what your preference. The bluejean, flannel shirt "butch" look is out with them at least.
2. Possessiveness...Both my friends met other women that got very possessive and jealous from early on. Three dates does not equal a relationship.
3. Bedroom play...(I apologize in advance for the graphic nature of this one) Linda kicked one lady out after she took her to the back room at a party we all went to at her house. It seemed this lady liked "fisting", and never mentioned it to Linda until she tried to do it to her. bad move.
4. Play it cool....desperate people look and act desperate. Sad and lonely people look and act sad and lonely. Would you want to date someone like that? No one does. Be vivarent(sp), alive, and happy. Be someone another person would enjoy being around.
5. Never lie. My on-line profile as an astronaut, brain surgeon, race car driver, ex SEAL got me nowhere.

I hope this helps, and good luck. Now this is my personal advice.
Maybe spruce up your profile to reflect the above.
The aura you have when writing your profile is sensed by everyone reading it. Say just enough to get them interested, but do not reveal your life's story. Three paragraphs max.
When replying to someone's profile never send a "Hey, how's it going" one-liner. Comment on something they wrote in their profile and never say anything sexual. Keep it light, polite and casual.

I met a wonderful woman on-line and married her.
You have to stand in line and kiss a lot of frogs before you find your Princess / Prince.
...and have casual sex with quite a lot of them too.
...and who wants to have sloppy drunken kinky sex with a stranger at another person's place? OK, stupid question...We all do.

PleasantValley · Apr 20, 2018

I am sure this is possible.
For me, though, at 52, I like the fact if I am feeling bad she can make me some soup and serve it to me.
I like having a warm tushy to cuddle up with at night.
I like having someone with a different point of view to make me stop and think about mine.
I love the fact she encourages me to be best man I can be or do the best job possible.

I hate the fact she wakes me up, sets off car alarms, and sucks the curtains off the wall when she snores.
I hate the fact she just plain refuses to argue with me. She just smiles, give a giggle and disengages. ARRGH!
I hate the fact she insists on keeping the house picked up and has trained me to put my skivvies and dirty socks in the hamper.

It is all these love / hate factors that make a beautiful relationship.
I would not be who i am now, and have what I have now without her.
I had no idea 1 + 1 could equal 6.

Crovax · Apr 20, 2018

:rofl: Certainly not in my or many other peoples experiences.

Most men are horrible at picking up the tiny signals women give and certainly if this guy hasnt developed it in 32 years its not going to be now. Ill tell you how oblivious I was. Before I met my fiance some woman had messaged me on a dating site (her profile didnt have a good pic of her) and we started chatting and she had said that she had worked in my store a while back and was into me and it was so bad she got a divorce and quit the job. I couldnt even figure out who this woman was until I was able to track down her facebook. She seemed to weird and it never went anywhere but I certainly never saw any signs of attraction.

post · Apr 20, 2018

When the internet was new, I was recently separated and found myself available for the first time in more than
twenty years. I was a single parent of a live-in early teen and resided in a rural area on the edge of major metro suburbs.

I don't know what my perspective would be if I was untrained by any women in couple relations and domesticity but I expect the
thread OP's author would be regarded as a project rather than a potential suitor by any women who paid attention long enough
to learn the details shared in the OP.

My semi-rural location and the recent advent of the internet offered a solution I began to take advantage of six weeks after my now former
wife suddenly moved out. As business partners, we continued to spend the work day hours together and even with that daily access
and the incentive of attempting to hold the business together, after trying to work it out with her, I decided my best had not been
satisfying enough to persuade her not to leave and I was unlikely to summon what I thought it would take to resume living and working
with her. I struggled with whether I lacked commitment or was capable but holding it back. We took advantage of the opportunity to talk
face to face daily and I made the painful decision to cut my losses and engage the alien to me, singles' life.

On the most popular internet dating site in 1996, most participants did not post images in their profiles. Answers to the site's questionnaire,
age, height, weight, and location influenced the decision of who to send PMs expressing interest. I preferred to delay the leap to the
first phone call until trading a few PMs to get a sense of communication, expression, and personality.

They really were nearly blind initial encounters and an entirely new frontier for me. I soon became a friend and confidante of one of the
first women I met in person through the online site. She suggested this book, which is probably regarded as ancient today.
https://www.amazon.com/Men-Mars-Women-Venus-Understanding/dp/0060574216

I experienced the year that followed as an adventure. My best advice is not to separate what you tend to compartmentalize your life
as, from living. You can and must make living feel delicious (real), up, down, exhilarating, excruciatingly disappointing (painful).

Live this example, even for the few minutes it takes to watch and listen.:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWrnSRvED_M

I read two longish posts in this thread by people who are existing, not living. Laugh, cry, love, bleed, rinse, repeat...much better than
the alternative and I can vouch for the notion you have nothing to loose. You can always return to merely existing.

I had not a single date during high school. I have never lived when I did not force myself into really living.

In the year that followed, I met at least 15 women in person from that dating site. Several times I introduced some of those women to each
other. The online community was small enough then that sharing the experience and hearing them gossip about my male rivals on the
site was the first thing we had in common to discuss. Every woman I communicated with was either tech savvy via employment or had
a geeky teen age son who configured at home internet access.

I lived through several potentially serious relationships and the woman I enjoyed being with most suddenly broke my heart. I met
her the first time in person after a month of PMs and phone calls. She became comfortable enough to invite me to our first in person
meeting at a hotel 300 miles away she was spending a week at, for work related training. I arrived at her hotel room door at 3:00am
and she invited me in, wearing clunky eyeglasses, hoping to diminish her attractiveness. Six weeks later she suddenly told me goodbye,
confessing that she could not introduce me to her younger sister, let alone to her parents, due to our 14 years age difference.
She hugged me so hard as she said goodbye and told me I had become her best friend. Five years later we were still trading emails
and occasional phone calls.

The disappointment was awful but our time together was so intense. It all made me feel so alive. I gained the confidence and experience to
narrow women I would consider meeting to single, childless, tight age range, and living in one city I had always hoped to one day live in.

cuban smokes · Apr 20, 2018

You certainly won't benefit from kicking yourself over past perceived failures so, just nip that one in the bud now.
The older one becomes left overs (your term) are the norm so, get used to that.
Don't bother with any 'dating' sites.
When you find out you are with, "free loading, opportunist single mothers and psychotic women" then leave, QUICKLY.
Believe me, none of that is a positive & winding up being 'daddy' to a kid that aint yours typically is gonna suck.

You are going to have to look at the dating scene in a different manner, come to terms with the realities of your situation, and move forward.
You need a more casual approach yet you need to find out as much as possible about your dating partner, in as little amount of time as possible.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, as the ole saying goes; you just need to be vigilant so, you can find the right catch.

tecoyah · Apr 20, 2018

I have a few recommendations based on three marriages, 50 years of "study" on the female phenom, Phsycology training and experience and a very active and adventurous life.

1) Stop trying so hard and instead relax while working on yourself (the most important person in this).

2) Do not place women in categories as you are probably wrong.

3) Understand going in that women DO NOT think like you and never will.

4) Practice and perfect the art of silent agreement even if you do not...a woman WILL win any argument in one way or another. If you try to fight this reality so you think you won the next few weeks will make it clear you did not.

5) The woman in your mind upon meeting IS NOT the woman you will know next month.

6) Good Freakin' Luck.

X Factor · Apr 20, 2018

Dude, maybe it's you. What do you bring to the table besides whining?

Quag · Apr 20, 2018

I admittedly know very little about women. Any guy who claims he does is either a liar or a politician (I know redundant)
My only advice is to try and find someone crazy enough to want to be with you but not so crazy you dont dont to be with them.

Bucky · Apr 20, 2018

When you evaluate things:

1. It it better to be alone than with someone you do not like or know will make your life worse. Being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship is bad advice.

2. The best strategy is probably making friends with a lot of women and seeing which relationship will blossom. Don't' be afraid to let your feelings known and take a chance. If a woman cannot be friends with you after making your feelings known, than that friendship wasn't probably that strong to begin with.

The worst thing that will happen is that she says no... than again you could be charged with sexual harrassment perhaps....

Bucky · Apr 20, 2018

That was a bit harsh. The guy poured his heart out and posted some real personal information.

Bucky · Apr 20, 2018

FYI if you try the online route, I wouldn't recommend Tinder. The site is filled with bots the type of women you are lamenting about.

I would consider one of the paid service sites. Maybe try it out. Perhaps they gave you a 30-day free trial.

Winchester · Apr 20, 2018

I'm so far removed from the dating scene IDK if what I say will help.

Don't waste time pursuing relationships that in your gut you know aren't going to work out in the long run. If you're interested in dating someone ask, if they say no, that's fine, it's gotta work for both parties. Hard not to take rejection personally, but the sooner you learn it's really okay the better off you'll be in the long run.

PoS · Apr 20, 2018

Sounds like you got a fear of rejection and disappointment, but finding the right woman is like playing sports, you won't score a win unless you keep playing.

Tim the plumber · Apr 20, 2018

Maybe you should PM Herkamer.

For the both of you here is my never failed chat up technique, which was developed after many years of drought;-

Assuming a social situation, bar or whatever...

You decied which person you are most attracted to in the way of being able to see yourself married to. They have to be single and looking relaxed at being there in general etc.

You observe them, trying not to stare but being aware of their actions, when they take a drink, when they are talking and laughing etc, if they catch you looking you look a little embarassed and look away smiling a little in a "you caught me" sort of thing..

Then assuming the other party looks like they are enjoying your attention you visably pluck up the corrage and go to talk to them.

"er..Errr.... Hello, er.. my name is ________" The er's are the most vital part. "Hi Babe, get your coat" will keep you pure for ever. Try to work in a hand shake at this point. Hand shake is extremely good, it shows respect in a mutual way, it breaks the touching barrier without breaking any rule or threatening them in any way.

"Er, I had to come and just say.... you look __________" insert a massively complimentary word there; sectacular, fantasic, wonderful, mesmerizing what ever you can, trying to keep it relavent.

Then you ask questions about them. You sort of get thier life story.

This is generally reasonably boring. So you will have to try hard not to glaze over. Ity is probably even more boring for the other person as they know all this already.

At the point where you feel yourself glazing over you concentrate real harda nd 3/4 through the sentence you just kiss the her (him in your case). A simple quick kiss. Then you say, "I had to, oops, you wre saying _____" this shows you were taking notice after all. They will splutter on and finish the sentence but that generally ends with the 2 of you in the full on snog.

The rules of this for girls and lads are the same. Nobdy like the "want to F-k" line. We are all romantic. We all need the other party to do the correct dance.

The objective of this first meeting is to get the other person's phone number with a view to you calling them to arrange the next meeting.

Use this wisely, It's powerful, and don't undervalue any of the positive results.

Good hunting.

Bucky · Apr 20, 2018

There is also a myth that being in a relationship/married is better than being alone. That is not true. Being in a relationship many times puts you in a worse overall situation. Kids often times makes the situation much worse.

I know people that rushed into marriage and had kids. That will screw over your life for 10-20 years, which is roughly 20-25% of your life.

If you aren't interested in dating sites, perhaps you should join social clubs or groups that you are interested in. Don't go expecting you will find someone to date, just find like-minded people that you can share your hobby/interest with.

Superfly · Apr 20, 2018

Never gonna win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket.

PleasantValley · Apr 21, 2018

This should be made a STICKY.

Quag · Apr 21, 2018

Well it is the secret to happiness

jet57 · Apr 28, 2018

I would say that you're trying to hard. Hang out in places that interest you, there you will find women with whom you can relaxed conversations with knowing that you both already have something in common. Go to coffee, don't date. Hang out together, don't date. Be a friend who listens and is empathetic. The rest will come later if the sparks generate.

Why I'm reluctant finding someone now

Herkamer63

Hawkeye10

Buttermilk Man

Wan

ElChupacabra

Me cago en las cabras!

dirtpoorchris

King of Videos

justabubba

long standing member

PleasantValley

PleasantValley

Crovax

post

Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop

cuban smokes

tecoyah

Illusionary

X Factor

Anti-Socialist

Quag

Bucky

Bucky

Bucky

Winchester

PoS

Minister of Love

Tim the plumber

Bucky

Superfly

Salty, defiant, and completely non-compliant.

PleasantValley

Quag

jet57