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10 Things Every Intersectional Feminist Should Ask on a First Date

ecofarm said:
Intellectualism is not inane.
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No, of course not. And when looking for a long term relationship, some things need to be realized before too long. But the discussion was first date. On a first date, I am not discussing politics, religion, abortion or war. And if the date insists, there won't be a second. I don't go there with folks I have just met. Maybe as a life long atheist, I have found to keep some things to myself until I feel out my companions. I currently have a dear friend who now refers to me as her little heathen friend. But we became good friends before I told her about the heathen part. Sometimes it's best for someone to discover who you are before you tell them who you are.
 
trblmkr said:
No, of course not. And when looking for a long term relationship, some things need to be realized before too long. But the discussion was first date. On a first date, I am not discussing politics, religion, abortion or war. And if the date insists, there won't be a second. I don't go there with folks I have just met. Maybe as a life long atheist, I have found to keep some things to myself until I feel out my companions. I currently have a dear friend who now refers to me as her little heathen friend. But we became good friends before I told her about the heathen part. Sometimes it's best for someone to discover who you are before you tell them who you are.
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I want to know up front and first if the person is a bigoted asshole.
 
trblmkr said:
I would hope so as well. I do my best not be bigoted, but I frequently will answer to asshole.
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Same here. I believe the questions in the OP link are very revealing and informative, as well as being intellectual endeavors.
 
ecofarm said:
Same here. I believe the questions in the OP link are very revealing and informative, as well as being intellectual endeavors.
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They also come out naturally, over time. In a single meet-up--the first meet-up, it's ridiculous.

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk
 
ecofarm said:
So true.

Great article. I only disagree with one part, Israel-Palestine, the premise (such discussions are not for this subforum, so I'll leave it at that).
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Hahaha...yup. You're not getting a second date. This article is a great list of "what can a person do to self-identify as bat**** crazy so no one wastes their time with you" questions. Anyone who thinks this is a good idea is a person that is a radical.
 
Fiddytree said:
They also come out naturally, over time. In a single meet-up--the first meet-up, it's ridiculous.
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Not to me. I expect intellectual caliber up front or no thanks. I'm not really interested in anything else. I don't care what music or sports someone likes.
 
...I don't make a point of discussing the single point of contention that makes me despise the mindset behind intersectional feminism, largely because it relates to a personal issue of mine, but point ten is infuriating enough that I think it's worth talking about.

10. Does your allyship include disabled folks?

As an able-bodied woman, again, I will stay in my lane, but intersectionality has to include a solid platform for disabled people — and not just the visible disabilities. If you have disabled family or friends, please make the effort to listen and learn about their lives and their experiences. Disabled folks are subject to shaming and violence because humans are awful and lack empathy. Be mindful of others who mock disabled people; that kind of cruelty is inexcusable.

On a date with someone who uses ableist slurs? Walk away.
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At age 8, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, a strain of Autism characterized by average or better verbal communication skills. I was reading on a 12th grade level in the third grade, enrolled in Georgia's Gifted program since kindergarten, and an honor roll student every year that I had been in school. I was also in the bottom percentile for social skills, and had the emotional development of a 2-year-old. I was also diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, but that's just icing on the cake of mental issues I had.

What I always find so abhorrent about the social justice mindset is perfectly embodied by the first dozen words: "as an able-bodied woman, again, I will stay in my lane." I have striven for more than a decade to improve my social skills as best I can, to better understand others and to be able to build relationships with others. I was born with a genetic inability to empathize with others and to understand their problems. Understanding inflections in voices and facial expressions was a struggle, and properly displaying them myself was even more difficult. To this very day, the muscles in the left corner of my mouth are slightly underdeveloped because I became firmly attached to the phrase "lopsided grin" in a children's book. I will mimic other people's facial expressions on occasion when trying to better understand their mindsets, athough I've mostly gotten that under control. Being able to interact with other people face-to-face has been a struggle, but I have come a great distance since I was first measured up by a psychologist.

As someone who has striven with all of their willpower and intellect to empathize with & understand others, and to make myself understood, I find it disgusting when anyone claims to be unable to make the smallest effort with their natural-born gifts to understand another's life events. To tell me that I can't understand someone else who has had different experiences than I have is a confession of your own lack of empathy, in my eyes. As a functional adult that can attend college, earn a paycheck & feed himself, I don't need an ally, but I spit upon the offer from anyone who says they can't truly understand me, that my brain structure has put me beyond the realm of true comprehension. I don't want your pity, and I neither want nor need your condescending platitudes about giving me my ability to speak, so you can **** right out of my life, you mental invalid.
 
Jesse Booth said:
...I don't make a point of discussing the single point of contention that makes me despise the mindset behind intersectional feminism, largely because it relates to a personal issue of mine, but point ten is infuriating enough that I think it's worth talking about.



At age 8, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, a strain of Autism characterized by average or better verbal communication skills. I was reading on a 12th grade level in the third grade, enrolled in Georgia's Gifted program since kindergarten, and an honor roll student every year that I had been in school. I was also in the bottom percentile for social skills, and had the emotional development of a 2-year-old. I was also diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, but that's just icing on the cake of mental issues I had.

What I always find so abhorrent about the social justice mindset is perfectly embodied by the first dozen words: "as an able-bodied woman, again, I will stay in my lane." I have striven for more than a decade to improve my social skills as best I can, to better understand others and to be able to build relationships with others. I was born with a genetic inability to empathize with others and to understand their problems. Understanding inflections in voices and facial expressions was a struggle, and properly displaying them myself was even more difficult. To this very day, the muscles in the left corner of my mouth are slightly underdeveloped because I became firmly attached to the phrase "lopsided grin" in a children's book. I will mimic other people's facial expressions on occasion when trying to better understand their mindsets, athough I've mostly gotten that under control. Being able to interact with other people face-to-face has been a struggle, but I have come a great distance since I was first measured up by a psychologist.

As someone who has striven with all of their willpower and intellect to empathize with & understand others, and to make myself understood, I find it disgusting when anyone claims to be unable to make the smallest effort with their natural-born gifts to understand another's life events. To tell me that I can't understand someone else who has had different experiences than I have is a confession of your own lack of empathy, in my eyes. As a functional adult that can attend college, earn a paycheck & feed himself, I don't need an ally, but I spit upon the offer from anyone who says they can't truly understand me, that my brain structure has put me beyond the realm of true comprehension. I don't want your pity, and I neither want nor need your condescending platitudes about giving me my ability to speak, so you can **** right out of my life, you mental invalid.
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****, Jesse. That was beautiful.

I'd like this post 1000 times if I could.
 
Josie said:
https://everydayfeminism.com/2017/12/intersectional-feminist-first-date/

Sounds like a super fun first date. "Allyship"? "cishet"? What the world?
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Everdayfeminism.com is a complete joke even to most feminists, just FYI.

But, yeah, no. I mean, I'm likely to pay some attention to how he tends to regard women, how he treats any service people we encounter, etc. I need a baseline of "doesn't believe little women belong in the kitchen, cares about what I say equally." But I can deduce that within 5 minutes.

If I'm on a date, I'm looking for a romantic partner, not a political campaign partner.

Truth is, I wouldn't even be friends with someone like that. There's a difference between being politically active and being a sanctimonious political puritan. I've actually ruled people out after looking at their dating profile and seeing crap like this.
 
Jesse Booth said:
...I don't make a point of discussing the single point of contention that makes me despise the mindset behind intersectional feminism, largely because it relates to a personal issue of mine, but point ten is infuriating enough that I think it's worth talking about.



At age 8, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, a strain of Autism characterized by average or better verbal communication skills. I was reading on a 12th grade level in the third grade, enrolled in Georgia's Gifted program since kindergarten, and an honor roll student every year that I had been in school. I was also in the bottom percentile for social skills, and had the emotional development of a 2-year-old. I was also diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, but that's just icing on the cake of mental issues I had.

What I always find so abhorrent about the social justice mindset is perfectly embodied by the first dozen words: "as an able-bodied woman, again, I will stay in my lane." I have striven for more than a decade to improve my social skills as best I can, to better understand others and to be able to build relationships with others. I was born with a genetic inability to empathize with others and to understand their problems. Understanding inflections in voices and facial expressions was a struggle, and properly displaying them myself was even more difficult. To this very day, the muscles in the left corner of my mouth are slightly underdeveloped because I became firmly attached to the phrase "lopsided grin" in a children's book. I will mimic other people's facial expressions on occasion when trying to better understand their mindsets, athough I've mostly gotten that under control. Being able to interact with other people face-to-face has been a struggle, but I have come a great distance since I was first measured up by a psychologist.

As someone who has striven with all of their willpower and intellect to empathize with & understand others, and to make myself understood, I find it disgusting when anyone claims to be unable to make the smallest effort with their natural-born gifts to understand another's life events. To tell me that I can't understand someone else who has had different experiences than I have is a confession of your own lack of empathy, in my eyes. As a functional adult that can attend college, earn a paycheck & feed himself, I don't need an ally, but I spit upon the offer from anyone who says they can't truly understand me, that my brain structure has put me beyond the realm of true comprehension. I don't want your pity, and I neither want nor need your condescending platitudes about giving me my ability to speak, so you can **** right out of my life, you mental invalid.
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Jesse,

I understand what you're saying, here, especially in the context of how hard you have worked to come to what understanding you can of other people.

But I think people primarily say this in respect -- as much for completely "typical" people as for the disabled or otherwise minority.

The best thing you can say to someone who has recently experienced a major death, for example, is "I can't imagine what you must be going through." It is validating of the depth of the loss -- a loss so deep that even the person themselves sometimes doesn't know what they're feeling. In saying you don't know how someone feels, you are inviting them to tell you -- an invitation many people deeply want. You're giving them space to speak for themselves, rather than claiming to be able to speak for them.

I can tell you I felt a twinge of resentment when someone told me, "I know exactly how you feel" after I lost my dad. It was well-intended, from someone who had also lost her dad, and I decided to react graciously rather than contesting. But my instant mental reaction was, "NO YOU ****ING DON'T!"

And to some extent, I was right. The circumstances were different. I'm a different person. She couldn't possibly know exactly how I felt.

Even as someone with exceptional empathetic ability, I don't know exactly how anyone feels, or how someone like you would feel, and I never could. I may be able to model a pretty decent mental approximation, but I'm not you.

Perhaps allistic people have given you the false impression that we just understand each other perfectly all the time. We don't. Even for the most intuitively gifted of us, misunderstandings still happen. And even when we do understand each other, sometimes we still react incorrectly anyways.

So, although I understand the way that ruffles your feathers (much in the same way being told someone understood how I felt after my father's death ruffled mine), this is something that is said in a genuine effort not to step on your toes -- to invite you to speak for yourself, rather than to speak for you. Not out of laziness.
 
SmokeAndMirrors said:
snip
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I can get why that attitude of deferment and politeness is quite helpful in times of duress, but the duration of my existence does not fall under that category - at least not in my book, although some of the moderators on here might disagree! :lol:

The problem with a lot of this "allyship" thing from my perspective is that it always seems to put my "struggle," and worse yet, their lack of said "struggle," at the forefront of who I am as an individual. I've always believed that highlighting one's differences is painfully counterproductive in building rapport and understanding. Maybe that's just how I was raised, and maybe that's incorrect. Either way, I can't say I've developed a single strong friendship in my life with someone who was afraid of "ruffling my feathers." A common interest paired with strong disagreement in a few areas seems to be the common thread, and calling each other retards & other slurs is general practice. It's possible that my personality just doesn't mesh well with the kinds of people that appreciate and offer sensitivity - the closest I've come to having a friend like that is a Star Wars nerd who doesn't like to argue about politics or religion, and we've beaten each other nearly senseless with nerf swords before. :shrug:

...I kinda regret going on that little rant now - I've mentioned my disorder to several posters in PMs before, but I really hope nobody starts going easy on me in arguments on here. Getting my ass verbally kicked around has done a lot to spur personal development, and I don't want any pity parties over this.
 
Jesse Booth said:
I can get why that attitude of deferment and politeness is quite helpful in times of duress, but the duration of my existence does not fall under that category - at least not in my book, although some of the moderators on here might disagree! :lol:

The problem with a lot of this "allyship" thing from my perspective is that it always seems to put my "struggle," and worse yet, their lack of said "struggle," at the forefront of who I am as an individual. I've always believed that highlighting one's differences is painfully counterproductive in building rapport and understanding. Maybe that's just how I was raised, and maybe that's incorrect. Either way, I can't say I've developed a single strong friendship in my life with someone who was afraid of "ruffling my feathers." A common interest paired with strong disagreement in a few areas seems to be the common thread, and calling each other retards & other slurs is general practice. It's possible that my personality just doesn't mesh well with the kinds of people that appreciate and offer sensitivity - the closest I've come to having a friend like that is a Star Wars nerd who doesn't like to argue about politics or religion, and we've beaten each other nearly senseless with nerf swords before. :shrug:

...I kinda regret going on that little rant now - I've mentioned my disorder to several posters in PMs before, but I really hope nobody starts going easy on me in arguments on here. Getting my ass verbally kicked around has done a lot to spur personal development, and I don't want any pity parties over this.
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You'll get no let up from me, Jesse! :mrgreen:
 
ecofarm said:
I want to know up front and first if the person is a bigoted asshole.
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So you wouldn't date a person who is holding different opinions.
 
This beyond bigoted queer ( don't dog me on this, it is from the article) isn't looking for a date, she is looking for excuses to look down on her nose on people.
If I go on a date, I won't be graded like a price pony.
 
Lovebug said:
This beyond bigoted queer ( don't dog me on this, it is from the article) isn't looking for a date, she is looking for excuses to look down on her nose on people.
If I go on a date, I won't be graded like a price pony.
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Yeah, **** that. This person is just moral grandstanding. At this point, I wouldn't bd surprised if they never get a date.
 
Jesse Booth said:
I can get why that attitude of deferment and politeness is quite helpful in times of duress, but the duration of my existence does not fall under that category - at least not in my book, although some of the moderators on here might disagree! :lol:

The problem with a lot of this "allyship" thing from my perspective is that it always seems to put my "struggle," and worse yet, their lack of said "struggle," at the forefront of who I am as an individual. I've always believed that highlighting one's differences is painfully counterproductive in building rapport and understanding. Maybe that's just how I was raised, and maybe that's incorrect. Either way, I can't say I've developed a single strong friendship in my life with someone who was afraid of "ruffling my feathers." A common interest paired with strong disagreement in a few areas seems to be the common thread, and calling each other retards & other slurs is general practice. It's possible that my personality just doesn't mesh well with the kinds of people that appreciate and offer sensitivity - the closest I've come to having a friend like that is a Star Wars nerd who doesn't like to argue about politics or religion, and we've beaten each other nearly senseless with nerf swords before. :shrug:

...I kinda regret going on that little rant now - I've mentioned my disorder to several posters in PMs before, but I really hope nobody starts going easy on me in arguments on here. Getting my ass verbally kicked around has done a lot to spur personal development, and I don't want any pity parties over this.
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On a more serious note, I don't like the whole allyship thing either. For very much the same reason.

I don't want to be coddeled like a baby or be treated differently because I'm gay. Thankfully, none of my friends do that with me. Because I would seriously hate that ****. I don't need an "ally".
 
Jesse Booth said:
Quite literally. I always spend the full duration of any coitus I engage in contemplating the cosmic consequences of our evil patriarchal society's grip on the world.
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Down with the patriarchy!
 
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