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Ask a poly anything.

WCH said:
OP slowly backs away from the keyboard....
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Op is at work with sporadic access until he gets off. But will be gladly answering the questions when he gets home.
 
countryboy said:
What's a "poly"? I assume it's a sexual deviant of some sort, but you never know. Maybe you like plastics. :shrug:
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Poly is short for polyamory, a relatively new term dealing with having multiple intimate relationships simultaneously. Now by intimate, we are not just talking sexually. In fact, most polys focus on the emotional relationship, with sexual relationships being seen as maybe or maybe not. So one can have a romantic relationship with another person, but not necessarily be sexually active with them. While marriage may occur (not necessarily legally recognized marriages), it is not a given within poly connections or units. And for a matter of record, for marriages, polygyny is one husband multiple wives, polyandry is one wife multiple husbands and polygamy is simply multiple spouses, with no set proportions.
 
countryboy said:
Ah, then here's my question for him. What makes you think anyone cares about your sexual deviancy?
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Taking away the presumption that a deviancy is automatically negative, and noting that poly is not about sex, but relationships (swinging would be about sex, and there nothing saying the two have to overlap or cannot overlap), the answer is that there are simply people curious about lifestyles that are not mainstream.
 
countryboy said:
So basically, the term is an attempt to rationalize slutty behavior. Got it.
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Not really. There are many closed poly units out there. So if we look at a closed poly quad, where they don't have sex outside of the four of them, how is that slutty? Additionally, there are also connections that are purely emotional, especially if an asexual was involved.
 
maquiscat said:
Poly is short for polyamory, a relatively new term dealing with having multiple intimate relationships simultaneously. Now by intimate, we are not just talking sexually. In fact, most polys focus on the emotional relationship, with sexual relationships being seen as maybe or maybe not. So one can have a romantic relationship with another person, but not necessarily be sexually active with them. While marriage may occur (not necessarily legally recognized marriages), it is not a given within poly connections or units. And for a matter of record, for marriages, polygyny is one husband multiple wives, polyandry is one wife multiple husbands and polygamy is simply multiple spouses, with no set proportions.
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Sorry, that is just crazy...there are times I wish I was in an unogamy relationship...:lol:
 
KevinKohler said:
Well, this is going well.
So I'll ask a question.....how do you have time for more than one wife/husband. And what does your group do if on in the group gets pregnant? Or, dare I say it, an STD?
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How does one have time for a wife and multiple children? Aside from everyone being adults, the overall dynamic of multiple people in the house/relationship I see not much different. Now obviously there are going to be considerable differences if everyone in the relationship is not living together, but given that there are marriages that work where people are not together a lot, such as military or trucker or other similar occupations, it is possible to hold those relationships.

Communications is the key. You do have to do a lot more coordinating and talking to make sure you are not stepping on toes and making conflicting plans. But those things also happen in monogamous relationships as well. Poly ones are just more of the same.

As far as pregnancy and STI's go, a lot depends on unit dynamics. For my quad, pregnancy is not an issue. The only two capable of causing that are not sexually attracted to each other. In other units, the marriage may be closed, and no one starts a new relationship without the permission of the others. In ours while we are open, that permission rule is in full effect. No one can start a relationship outside of the unit without unanimous consent. This goes for just "play" as well as romantic. Each unit has their own rules as to specifics by which the individuals are comfortable with. The possibilities are near endless.
 
WCH said:
Or if one meets a mysterious demise?

Then there's the usual associated drug use.
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There isn't no usual associated drug use when it comes to poly. Now some people, when thinking about poly, are stuck thinking about the FLDS out west. But their problems don't really stem from poly, but in their overall treatment of women and their teachings. There have been monogamous practicing sects that have had abuse problems among their women and children. So you would need to provide some kind of data to back this assertion up that goes beyond FLDS and/or Mideastern practices.
 
Elvira said:
Well, I don't have any questions...I think your siggy tells us all we need to know...there's more to life than just the physical...

"Bi, Poly, Switch. I'm not indecisive, I'm greedy!"
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Actually, the bi part doesn't really apply to me, at least not sexually. Of course I didn't think it would apply romantically until after I met my husband. I saw it on a button at a Con once and liked it enough to use it regularly.
 
Hawkeye10 said:
Does the idea of poly marriage hold any appeal, if it existed?
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That is a multi layered question, even if you did not realize it.

The first thing is to distinguish the different types of marriage. If you asked couples if they would consider their marriage over if the government's of the US no longer legally recognized their marriage and all legal benefits were gone, most would tell you that they would still be married. So most people consider marriage as something beyond the legal paperwork. In that sense, there are hundreds to thousands of poly marriages across the country currently, and I a man currently in one. I have a husband and two wives.

I am guess that the overall intent was asking about the legal recognition and benefits of poly marriage. There are many in the country who would like to see it come about, most actually. But the biggest dividing line among us deals with whether or not we should pursue it directly currently, or go slowly, making changes to the law to make the addition easier. Unlike adding in same sex marriage, or even theoretically incest marriage, where all you are doing is removing any restrictions to the two person marriage model, the dynamics of a poly marriage would require a lot more thought and planning.

For me personally I am satisfied to wait. That only laws I want to see struck down right now are ones that would try to prevent us living as we wish. For example, out west somewhere, I think Utah, there was a law that basically forced common law marriage on people living together whether there was any legal paperwork to begin with or not. They would apply it to any they felt were living as if married, even if they didn't have the paperwork and then charge them with bigamy, or holding multiple legal marriage statuses. It was determined unconstitutional and entrapment, because the individuals were not seeking that legal status, and the courts said that such a status could not be forced upon such groupings with the intent to charge them. I'll see if I can find the story later.
 
maquiscat said:
Poly is short for polyamory, a relatively new term dealing with having multiple intimate relationships simultaneously. Now by intimate, we are not just talking sexually. In fact, most polys focus on the emotional relationship, with sexual relationships being seen as maybe or maybe not. So one can have a romantic relationship with another person, but not necessarily be sexually active with them. While marriage may occur (not necessarily legally recognized marriages), it is not a given within poly connections or units. And for a matter of record, for marriages, polygyny is one husband multiple wives, polyandry is one wife multiple husbands and polygamy is simply multiple spouses, with no set proportions.
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The Good Reverend called that "his twenties".
 
holbritter said:
Geeze! It's hard enough keeping one relationship healthy, can't imagine juggling more than that. But I'm getting old :shock:
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It isn't easy. It take more work than having just one mate. But when you love people, then it makes the work worth it. But the key is that all involved have to be onboard and willing. One of my daughters was in a triad, but the other woman just couldn't get over jealousy issues, even while all three tried to keep communicating and working on it. Now credit where it is due. All three did go into it honestly not knowing whether it would work or not. So no deceptions anything happened. But it was not much different than a monogamous couple dating and realizing that they just don't work out together.
 
Sweden said:
You mean I can have four wives WITHOUT becoming a Muslim? Wow! - is there an application form available on line? But I wonder why Polyanna is famous for always being so cheerful.
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Not legally. You can't gain the legal status and benefits. But if you are in love with more than one other person and they are in love with the rest as well, then yes. The key is being open and honest with each other. And communication. Where is really no different than how a monogamous relationship should work, just with more people.
 
OldFatGuy said:
"You mean I can have four wives WITHOUT becoming a Muslim? Wow! - is there an application form available on line? But I wonder why Polyanna is famous for always being so cheerful."

Convert to Judaism or the Church of Latter Day Saints.

Judaic law says a man can have as many wives as he can each service 4 times per week. Makes for a busy beaver, eh? Obviously, over time, Jewish women weren't accepting the ploy, and things are as they are for the most part. For those not familiar with Jewish laws regarding how to live, you can find searchable Talmuds (the codified Jewish laws, accomplished by Maimonides, author of that famous quote "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime"), a codified compilation of all the books of Jewish laws of his day.

There's a Rabbinical tale of Solomon, who purportedly had 1,000 wives and concubines (a political necessity of the day for monarchs), when rebuilding the temple, later known as the second temple (the Babylonians destroyed the first leading to the first Jewish diaspora) the priests of the Temple tried to depose Solomon, claiming there was no way Solomon could satisfy each of those women 4 times a week (a concubine held similar status to a wife for such obligations). Solomon the Wise, resolved the problem by putting all the opposition priests to death, and appointing new ones who favored him. A terrific solution to impeachment threats, every sitting president should find his or her tenure so easy.

Barely able to keep up with one wife myself (and sex is a small part of that issue), I can't understand why you or any other man would want more than one. Some days I wonder about having one?

So, if you don't mind a little nip and tuck, convert to Judaism and get all the wives you want. But if want a less painful experience, Mormonism is the way to go. The Book of Mormon implies that circumcision is the way to go, but Mormons seem to ignore that little sacrifice other than the usual parental search for cleanliness for their children. An adaption from those original scriptures of the Torah. Most Mormons have let that practice fall by the wayside, like most Christians. (These last two sentences are purposefully ambiguous.)
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And really it is not about religion. While most poly units I know are indeed religious, ranging from Christianity to Wiccan, I also know some atheist ones as well as mixed religions. My own unit has both Christians and Wiccans in it.
 
Elvira said:
Sorry, that is just crazy...there are times I wish I was in an unogamy relationship...:lol:
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Isn't that called being single?
 
ReverendHellh0und said:
The Good Reverend called that "his twenties".
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Ah but here is where the difference is, and a key point that I didn't forget to include. Everyone one involved is aware of everyone else, even if they are not holding a relationship directly with some of the others. The difference between poly and cheating is that no one is going behind anyone else back. Now that doesn't mean that everyone is privy to all the details of all the others. For example, if I had a girlfriend outside of my spouses, and I have before, while they know I am with her and how physically active I am with her, they usually don't know what specific activities her and I engage in.

If you are holding extra relationships in secret, then it is not polyamory and it is cheating.
 
My partner and I are poly, and to us polyamory is different than poly****ery and "being greedy" (as your signature says). The way that we see poly being played out in modern pop culture is not true poly. If you really love multiple people then you are emotionally accountable to each of them just as you would be one partner. Just like with any lover, you have to make sure each person is OK. To us, this is a full time job, which is why we are highly selective and usually only seek one other. And it's why we don't believe that most young people who call themselves poly are actually accomplishing it. The majority of modern people can't sustain one respectful, accountable relationship let alone several. So my question is -- assuming you're doing things properly, if you don't live with all your partners, how do you even have the time??

My other question is how you maintain open communication without entering into hierarchies? To us it seems only natural that a bias will be created toward the long-term partnership versus the newcomer, and we make special effort to compensate for this. It's been our observation that in other poly relationships, the original partnership intentionally/unintentionally gets more attention than the relationships formed by the newcomer, leading to jealousy, resentment, and what not. Jealousy is always a factor anyway but I'm talking about a very specific dynamic. To me it seems a like of "poly" people make little effort to address this.

There is a poly community in our region that has regular potlucks and everyone there seems to understand how it all works, but when we talk to younger people in the world at large they seem to have no comprehension of emotional responsibility or accountability. It all seems to be about sex which sort of defeats the "amory" part of the word. I wish people played their identity politics more precisely.
 
maquiscat said:
Isn't that called being single?
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The older I get, the more I enjoy my alone time...I could not handle living with a house full of people...one other person and 2 dogs are quite enough...
 
First let me say it was nice reading this and seeing someone who is just as serious at making sure others understand what poly is and isn't.

Northern Light said:
My partner and I are poly, and to us polyamory is different than poly****ery and "being greedy" (as your signature says). The way that we see poly being played out in modern pop culture is not true poly. If you really love multiple people then you are emotionally accountable to each of them just as you would be one partner. Just like with any lover, you have to make sure each person is OK. To us, this is a full time job, which is why we are highly selective and usually only seek one other. And it's why we don't believe that most young people who call themselves poly are actually accomplishing it. The majority of modern people can't sustain one respectful, accountable relationship let alone several. So my question is -- assuming you're doing things properly, if you don't live with all your partners, how do you even have the time??
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My quad lives in the same household. As is we are still trying to pare down the material things from merging the two households. It doesn't help we are all collectors. And I think we were rather lucky. My legal wife and I invited the other couple into our home when they suddenly became homeless. It was they staying together that help to develop the poly dynamic between us. Now we have had, even after becoming a quad (as opposed to just housemates) others with whom we started relationships. It they never got past the dating phase. I would say I am lucky in the my spouses help me make sure I am giving some time to my other relationships when I have them, of which I currently have no romantic ones. They know I have a mind like a steel sieve.

My other question is how you maintain open communication without entering into hierarchies? To us it seems only natural that a bias will be created toward the long-term partnership versus the newcomer, and we make special effort to compensate for this. It's been our observation that in other poly relationships, the original partnership intentionally/unintentionally gets more attention than the relationships formed by the newcomer, leading to jealousy, resentment, and what not. Jealousy is always a factor anyway but I'm talking about a very specific dynamic. To me it seems a like of "poly" people make little effort to address this.
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We have a couple of hierarchies that have developed, but they are usually situational. We each have our specialties and in that area the person reigns over the others. As far as straight relationships, we are comfortable, within the quad, of being more concentrated with our legal and original spouses. So a lot of times people just see two separate couples. We do have our times when we are quite mixed up. Anyone who saw us at Renn faire this weekend past, would have been wondering who was with who as we kept recombining. To date, we have not had any outside relationships that were not entered into without the express idea that it has a high probability of not ending up anywhere, and enjoy the time, and that was what the outside partner was good with at the time as well. We go into it with the knowledge that our respective primaries come first. To date we have not found an outside relationship that "syncs" with all four in the quad, so the odds of it going beyond secondary is small.

There is a poly community in our region that has regular potlucks and everyone there seems to understand how it all works, but when we talk to younger people in the world at large they seem to have no comprehension of emotional responsibility or accountability. It all seems to be about sex which sort of defeats the "amory" part of the word. I wish people played their identity politics more precisely.
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Our poly community is tied in with our BDSM community, but that is because the area is relatively small and so all of our alternative lifestyles are effectively one, and that includes the trans as well as the just "plain" LBG. One of the things we try to teach, and by we, I mean my family as we are educators, is that there is a difference between poly and open relationships. Both are fine, but one is more about the emotional relationships and the other is more about sex. There can be overlap, but they are distinct.
 
^ Sounds like you are fully committed for better or worse. lol.... good luck :)
 
maquiscat said:
There isn't no usual associated drug use when it comes to poly. Now some people, when thinking about poly, are stuck thinking about the FLDS out west. But their problems don't really stem from poly, but in their overall treatment of women and their teachings. There have been monogamous practicing sects that have had abuse problems among their women and children. So you would need to provide some kind of data to back this assertion up that goes beyond FLDS and/or Mideastern practices.
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So there's no way to talk you out of being a lecher?
 
maquiscat said:
So having seen this kind of thread many times, here and in other forums, I thought I would open up the floor for a little Q&A, and discussion. Fire away! And yes I know the haters will be coming out of the woodwork.
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My main question is why you're so obsessed, honestly. Thread after thread of scrutinzing weird technicalities about your sex and love life. It seems to take up a frankly absurd amount of your daily thoughts.

I mean, I'm poly. Pretty low-key to be honest, because I'm an introvert, so in practice I don't usually look that way, and at the moment I'm single AF. But... this is background noise to me.

What are you trying to prove, man?

This is part of why I've never gotten involved with the scene. It seems like most of the point is to number off your partners and prove how pomo/kinky/whatever you are. It's more about status and obsession and ego than about any decent conversation about each other as people. I just don't have time for it. And unsurprisingly, I pretty much only seem to date other low-key poly/monogamy neutral people who also have no interaction with the scene and no time for all this posturing.

I just wanna live my life. If connections happen, they happen. That's it.
 
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countryboy said:
So basically, the term is an attempt to rationalize slutty behavior. Got it.
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Nope. I know a poly person who's asexual and hasn't had sex with anyone at all in probably close to a decade.

You're thinking of swinging, which is a completely different thing.
 
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