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How much time with your spouse/SO is too much?

radcen

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How much time with your spouse/SO is too much?

I'm a serious introvert. I like my "alone time". My wife is a serious extrovert.

Our current situation is like this:
- I recently got transferred to another office and my commute was cut in half from 45 minutes to 20 minutes.
- My wife works 45 minutes away.
- My wife works on a rotating schedule, meaning she gets one full weekend and one other Saturday off each month.
- We spend evening together and honestly do enjoy each other's company.
- She is pushing her work for all weekends off so we can spend all our free time together.

:neutral:

Don't get me wrong. I love my wife dearly. But, I spend all day at work with people. I then spend all evenings with my wife. I spend 3 weekend says a months with her as well. I'd be fine if she got two full weekends off, that'd be cool, but to be brutally honest, I value my 4-5 days a month where I get to be alone for most of the day. I feel like that's what keeps me sane.

Then there's another rub, and this one actually has me somewhat anxious. A good friend of ours, who works less than a block away from where I work now, is pushing hard for my wife to get a job there. :doh

*sigh* So then, I would have virtually no alone time throughout the month whatsoever. I'd be around other people at work. When not at work I'd be with my wife during all evenings, during all weekends, and even during the drive to work.

I seriously don't know what to do. I have thought of texting our friend and asking her to stop pushing for the job there. If I express my concerns to me wife I can almost guarantee I'd hurt her feelings, and I don't want to do that. But, I am who I am. I don't need or want constant interaction with people 24/7.

I honestly don't understand how some people can live AND work together all the fricken time with never a break.

Thoughts?
 
How much time with your spouse/SO is too much?

I'm a serious introvert. I like my "alone time". My wife is a serious extrovert.

Our current situation is like this:
- I recently got transferred to another office and my commute was cut in half from 45 minutes to 20 minutes.
- My wife works 45 minutes away.
- My wife works on a rotating schedule, meaning she gets one full weekend and one other Saturday off each month.
- We spend evening together and honestly do enjoy each other's company.
- She is pushing her work for all weekends off so we can spend all our free time together.

:neutral:

Don't get me wrong. I love my wife dearly. But, I spend all day at work with people. I then spend all evenings with my wife. I spend 3 weekend says a months with her as well. I'd be fine if she got two full weekends off, that'd be cool, but to be brutally honest, I value my 4-5 days a month where I get to be alone for most of the day. I feel like that's what keeps me sane.

Then there's another rub, and this one actually has me somewhat anxious. A good friend of ours, who works less than a block away from where I work now, is pushing hard for my wife to get a job there. :doh

*sigh* So then, I would have virtually no alone time throughout the month whatsoever. I'd be around other people at work. When not at work I'd be with my wife during all evenings, during all weekends, and even during the drive to work.

I seriously don't know what to do. I have thought of texting our friend and asking her to stop pushing for the job there. If I express my concerns to me wife I can almost guarantee I'd hurt her feelings, and I don't want to do that. But, I am who I am. I don't need or want constant interaction with people 24/7.

I honestly don't understand how some people can live AND work together all the fricken time with never a break.

Thoughts?

I'm in a relatively young relationship. Been seeing this girl for two months now. We try to spend Saturdays together. But she went on vacation last week and this week we were both tied up with family stuff. I prefer texting to most other forms of communication. She hates to text. So I will be lucky if I hear from her like one time on a Thursday to play our dates. It's a bit hard for me to get used to but we have so much in common that I don't want to screw this one up. It doesn't help that she works in a school with the end of the year madness. We've already talked kids and marriage and are simpatico there too.
 
Well, My girlfriend and I can be in the same room and have our own alone time in silence for hours.... easily. We are technically together, but doing our own thing. You able to do this?
 
That depends on the people involved. I am one of those You do your thing and I do mine and we see each other in the evening people. I dated a few people who were more the Why didn't you call me the second you opened your eyes people and those relationships died very very quickly. I need space and I need someone not to be on top of me 24/7. I completely don't get those couples who are together as close to 24/7 as they can get and have to sit huddled up at restaurants and driving down the road and such. It makes me way too claustrophobic.
 
Well, My girlfriend and I can be in the same room and have our own alone time in silence for hours.... easily. We are technically together, but doing our own thing. You able to do this?

I like that. Husband and I can be in the same room but are working on different projects or hobbies. When I want to be completely alone, I go on walks.
 
Well, My girlfriend and I can be in the same room and have our own alone time in silence for hours.... easily. We are technically together, but doing our own thing. You able to do this?

I like that. Husband and I can be in the same room but are working on different projects or hobbies. When I want to be completely alone, I go on walks.

And we are able to do that, too, at times. But, sometimes she is very chatty.
 
How much time with your spouse/SO is too much?

I'm a serious introvert. I like my "alone time". My wife is a serious extrovert.

Our current situation is like this:
- I recently got transferred to another office and my commute was cut in half from 45 minutes to 20 minutes.
- My wife works 45 minutes away.
- My wife works on a rotating schedule, meaning she gets one full weekend and one other Saturday off each month.
- We spend evening together and honestly do enjoy each other's company.
- She is pushing her work for all weekends off so we can spend all our free time together.

:neutral:

Don't get me wrong. I love my wife dearly. But, I spend all day at work with people. I then spend all evenings with my wife. I spend 3 weekend says a months with her as well. I'd be fine if she got two full weekends off, that'd be cool, but to be brutally honest, I value my 4-5 days a month where I get to be alone for most of the day. I feel like that's what keeps me sane.

Then there's another rub, and this one actually has me somewhat anxious. A good friend of ours, who works less than a block away from where I work now, is pushing hard for my wife to get a job there. :doh

*sigh* So then, I would have virtually no alone time throughout the month whatsoever. I'd be around other people at work. When not at work I'd be with my wife during all evenings, during all weekends, and even during the drive to work.

I seriously don't know what to do. I have thought of texting our friend and asking her to stop pushing for the job there. If I express my concerns to me wife I can almost guarantee I'd hurt her feelings, and I don't want to do that. But, I am who I am. I don't need or want constant interaction with people 24/7.

I honestly don't understand how some people can live AND work together all the fricken time with never a break.

Thoughts?

If it makes you feel any better, my wife works from home and I am sometimes her only adult contact in any given day (before the baby, I might have been her only human contact).

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, it could be worse.
 
I'd recommended you explain to her you value alone time, and she doesn't have to understand it but you're taking it.

You'll probably hurt her feelings, sure, but she either likes you or she doesn't. The other options are are all forms of deception, which I avoid as much as I can.

I have had a similar arrangement (live-in girlfriend, no job) for over 10 years, and it's just a constant balancing act of setting expectations.

But I get my alone time!
 
And we are able to do that, too, at times. But, sometimes she is very chatty.

today marks the first week of my wife's retirement while i have been enjoying solo retirement for the past 14 years
so, your concern certainly sounds familiar
my wife is also quite chatty, while in person, i tend to be reserved - despite the loquacious nature of my posts
so far, so good. while i see more of her, we both have our own interests that we pursue individually
maybe your situation will be likewise once your wife spends less time in transit and more weekends at home
pro tip: buy a pair of sennheiser wireless headphones to listen to music/TV. this allows you to remain in your own world apart from the conversations your wife would prefer to initiate. bet you can guess why i know how well this works
down side: her presence has severely limited the amount of time spent playing my guitars and drums
she's your wife for a reason. figure this out and whatever you do, do not undermine her opportunity to move to a job with the hours/commute she prefers
 
Well, My girlfriend and I can be in the same room and have our own alone time in silence for hours.... easily. We are technically together, but doing our own thing. You able to do this?

I and my ex-wife are able to do this. Took years of practice. If you change "room" to "continent" or "planet", I'm right there with ya. Easily.
 
today marks the first week of my wife's retirement while i have been enjoying solo retirement for the past 14 years
so, your concern certainly sounds familiar
my wife is also quite chatty, while in person, i tend to be reserved - despite the loquacious nature of my posts
so far, so good. while i see more of her, we both have our own interests that we pursue individually
maybe your situation will be likewise once your wife spends less time in transit and more weekends at home
pro tip: buy a pair of sennheiser wireless headphones to listen to music/TV. this allows you to remain in your own world apart from the conversations your wife would prefer to initiate. bet you can guess why i know how well this works
down side: her presence has severely limited the amount of time spent playing my guitars and drums
she's your wife for a reason. figure this out and whatever you do, do not undermine her opportunity to move to a job with the hours/commute she prefers
I know you're right.

As of this morning things are ramping up. The friend... who is a friend to both of us, not just my wife... is lobbying at her work for my wife's hire. The position is open.

I'm actually starting to stress about this, and I normally don't stress about much of anything, but I know you're right.
 
In my new office my supervisor was trying to get my attention, but couldn't. When he finally did he asked me if they were noise-canceling headphones. I said, "Nah, just loud." :2razz:

But, anyway, that's not the same as being alone.

Jokes aside, radcen, talk to your wife. Ask her if she sometimes has the desire to be alone and tell her how you feel. Honesty is usually best. Reassure her. If you let this linger, your wife will pick up on it.
But...ask yourself why you want to be alone first. Be honest.
 
today marks the first week of my wife's retirement while i have been enjoying solo retirement for the past 14 years
so, your concern certainly sounds familiar
my wife is also quite chatty, while in person, i tend to be reserved - despite the loquacious nature of my posts
so far, so good. while i see more of her, we both have our own interests that we pursue individually
maybe your situation will be likewise once your wife spends less time in transit and more weekends at home
pro tip: buy a pair of sennheiser wireless headphones to listen to music/TV. this allows you to remain in your own world apart from the conversations your wife would prefer to initiate. bet you can guess why i know how well this works
down side: her presence has severely limited the amount of time spent playing my guitars and drums
she's your wife for a reason. figure this out and whatever you do, do not undermine her opportunity to move to a job with the hours/commute she prefers

I recently retired. First order of business was to have fun. We had saved some money and went on a long trip/cruise. We spent a lot of time together. It was great.
Then we returned home and to the realization that we will probably be around each other 24/7. It takes work.
Communication is key.
 
Jokes aside, radcen, talk to your wife. Ask her if she sometimes has the desire to be alone and tell her how you feel. Honesty is usually best. Reassure her. If you let this linger, your wife will pick up on it.
But...ask yourself why you want to be alone first. Be honest.

You're right. Plus, if I let it linger, it will fester in my mind and I will become resentful. I don't want that to happen.
 
Does your wife understand the differences between introverts and extroverts and that we "recharge our batteries" differently. Like you, I am an introvert and, like your wife, my wife is an extrovert. But we make it work by being clear about what we each need. But you have to talk about it because a lot of extroverts don't understand the way our brains work. They mistake our being quiet with an expressionless face as being in a bad mood.
 
You're right. Plus, if I let it linger, it will fester in my mind and I will become resentful. I don't want that to happen.

Start on a good note. Cook dinner for her or take her out to dinner. Let her know you love her and you care.
 
Does your wife understand the differences between introverts and extroverts and that we "recharge our batteries" differently. Like you, I am an introvert and, like your wife, my wife is an extrovert. But we make it work by being clear about what we each need. But you have to talk about it because a lot of extroverts don't understand the way our brains work. They mistake our being quiet with an expressionless face as being in a bad mood.

She does, and we talk about this a lot. She says she has learned a lot about introverts since we got together. And she is overall very supportive and very accommodating. For example, she will often leave a social gathering before she would like to simply because I have had my fill of socializing. And to be fair, I often stick it out as long as I can in consideration of her, too.
 
Now, we go out on Wednesday night and the gf sleeps over, and she stays Sat and Sun nights.

Its a good amount, we have days together, days apart.
 
Well, My girlfriend and I can be in the same room and have our own alone time in silence for hours.... easily. We are technically together, but doing our own thing. You able to do this?

I am. Me and my girlfriend do that all the time.
 
I honestly don't understand how some people can live AND work together all the fricken time with never a break.

Thoughts?

on the Myers Brigg I am an ENFP which means although I am an extrovert I need a lot of quiet/contemplative time and I enjoy being alone

I understand your panic

you have to talk to her, no doubt about it

I need lots of space or I can't regroup...he understands that if I don't "regroup" I get super grumpy....you might have to explain in stages and when opportunity presents itself...that works best for me

best of luck...I feel your pain
 
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