The second wife dilemma

Today is the 20th anniversary of my first wife's death by a drunk driver.
Allison was a good woman,a good wife, and a good mother,but I always felt she didn't understand me and my desire and ambition,to become better than I was.
She always thought I was overworking myself.while I saw it as doing something I love
I loved her dearly and do miss her.

I didn't even date for 5 years afterward until I met Selena.
I always felt that Selena is my soulmate. We are still madly in love with each other.
I feel Selena is the woman I was always meant for.
She understands me better than Allie ever did.

But lately,I've been feeling guilty that I love Selena more than I did my first wife.

Is that normal?

Verthaine said:

Today is the 20th anniversary of my first wife's death by a drunk driver.
Allison was a good woman,a good wife, and a good mother,but I always felt she didn't understand me and my desire and ambition,to become better than I was.
She always thought I was overworking myself.while I saw it as doing something I love
I loved her dearly and do miss her.

I didn't even date for 5 years afterward until I met Selena.
I always felt that Selena is my soulmate. We are still madly in love with each other.
I feel Selena is the woman I was always meant for.
She understands me better than Allie ever did.

But lately,I've been feeling guilty that I love Selena more than I did my first wife.

Is that normal?

Click to expand...

Is this for real? Serious question.

If so quick answer is it depends and sure... why not be normal. Sometimes we feel we have a favorite child out of more than one. Feels guilty. Isn't even essentially accurate either.

Verthaine said:

Today is the 20th anniversary of my first wife's death by a drunk driver.
Allison was a good woman,a good wife, and a good mother,but I always felt she didn't understand me and my desire and ambition,to become better than I was.
She always thought I was overworking myself.while I saw it as doing something I love
I loved her dearly and do miss her.

I didn't even date for 5 years afterward until I met Selena.
I always felt that Selena is my soulmate. We are still madly in love with each other.
I feel Selena is the woman I was always meant for.
She understands me better than Allie ever did.

But lately,I've been feeling guilty that I love Selena more than I did my first wife.

Is that normal?

Click to expand...

Selena is real and your first wife is a memory. No valid comparisons. It's all OK.

Rationalizing this might read like: you love a dead person less than your wife.

Verthaine said:

Today is the 20th anniversary of my first wife's death by a drunk driver.
Allison was a good woman,a good wife, and a good mother,but I always felt she didn't understand me and my desire and ambition,to become better than I was.
She always thought I was overworking myself.while I saw it as doing something I love
I loved her dearly and do miss her.

I didn't even date for 5 years afterward until I met Selena.
I always felt that Selena is my soulmate. We are still madly in love with each other.
I feel Selena is the woman I was always meant for.
She understands me better than Allie ever did.

But lately,I've been feeling guilty that I love Selena more than I did my first wife.

Is that normal?

Click to expand...

I don't know if it's normal, but it's perfectly understandable and most likely more mentally healthy. You love the one you have now and aren't obsessing/pining for the one you can no longer have.

Verthaine said:

Today is the 20th anniversary of my first wife's death by a drunk driver.
Allison was a good woman,a good wife, and a good mother,but I always felt she didn't understand me and my desire and ambition,to become better than I was.
She always thought I was overworking myself.while I saw it as doing something I love
I loved her dearly and do miss her.

I didn't even date for 5 years afterward until I met Selena.
I always felt that Selena is my soulmate. We are still madly in love with each other.
I feel Selena is the woman I was always meant for.
She understands me better than Allie ever did.

But lately,I've been feeling guilty that I love Selena more than I did my first wife.

Is that normal?

Click to expand...

You wouldn't be who you are today had you not married Allison and been widowed. I hope you don't feel guilty at all about your honest feelings.

Verthaine said:

Today is the 20th anniversary of my first wife's death by a drunk driver.
Allison was a good woman,a good wife, and a good mother,but I always felt she didn't understand me and my desire and ambition,to become better than I was.
She always thought I was overworking myself.while I saw it as doing something I love
I loved her dearly and do miss her.

I didn't even date for 5 years afterward until I met Selena.
I always felt that Selena is my soulmate. We are still madly in love with each other.
I feel Selena is the woman I was always meant for.
She understands me better than Allie ever did.

But lately,I've been feeling guilty that I love Selena more than I did my first wife.

Is that normal?

Click to expand...

Our brains work in strange ways, While the 20th anniversary of your first wife's passing may just be a date,
it means something to you.
You sound like you have adjusted, and moved on with your life,
You should not feel guilty about finding someone else to share your life with!

Don't tell your new Wife any of this. :shock:

Bodhisattva said:

Is this for real? Serious question.

Click to expand...

Yes it is. I just feel I am doing Allies memory a disservice by not loving her more.
I know it's ridiculous.but that's just how I'm feeling know. The only times i think of Allie is on our wedding anniversary (Nov 10th) Her birthday (Feb 20) and today.

If so quick answer is it depends and sure... why not be normal. Sometimes we feel we have a favorite child out of more than one. Feels guilty. Isn't even essentially accurate either.[/QUOTE]

The problem I I love all three of my daughters eaully,so I have no frame of refernce to compare it to Allie.

Selena knows i get sentimental at these dates,and she leaves me be and understands.
Which is making me more guilty.
Being "normal" is something I never was comfortable with.I always were the type to be different.
It's made me very successful and wealthy.
Allie never understood (and thought I'd go bully up in a year) why I wanted to own my own restuarant.
My youngest daughter was only 3 when Allies died,so the only mother she ever known was Selena.
The oldest didn't call Selena "mom"until college.
Selena always encourages me to go that extra mile.

Verthaine said:

Today is the 20th anniversary of my first wife's death by a drunk driver.
Allison was a good woman,a good wife, and a good mother,but I always felt she didn't understand me and my desire and ambition,to become better than I was.
She always thought I was overworking myself.while I saw it as doing something I love
I loved her dearly and do miss her.

I didn't even date for 5 years afterward until I met Selena.
I always felt that Selena is my soulmate. We are still madly in love with each other.
I feel Selena is the woman I was always meant for.
She understands me better than Allie ever did.

But lately,I've been feeling guilty that I love Selena more than I did my first wife.

Is that normal?

Click to expand...

I don't know about normal; I know I'm not normal and I don't think I have ever met anybody who is.

You seem to be still holding onto some greif about your first wife. The best 2 conversations I have ever had were me being told what was about to happen by greif councilors when my girlfriend's mother was dying.

The girlfriend, now wife, had some more sessions a few years later and she reported that the final one consisted of her just spilling out loads of feelings. She now has no memories of these sessions. They must be locked away from her concious. But they were very good for her.

I thoughly reccomend such sessions as they will be very good for you. Even though you clearly don't need them any more than you need a new car or a holiday. And they should be cheaper.

Verthaine said:

Today is the 20th anniversary of my first wife's death by a drunk driver.
Allison was a good woman,a good wife, and a good mother,but I always felt she didn't understand me and my desire and ambition,to become better than I was.
She always thought I was overworking myself.while I saw it as doing something I love
I loved her dearly and do miss her.

I didn't even date for 5 years afterward until I met Selena.
I always felt that Selena is my soulmate. We are still madly in love with each other.
I feel Selena is the woman I was always meant for.
She understands me better than Allie ever did.

But lately,I've been feeling guilty that I love Selena more than I did my first wife.

Is that normal?

Click to expand...

based on my personal experience, i would say it's not abnormal
you were likely more mature and better understood the qualities you were truly seeking in a spouse the second time out

my wife dated her first husband thru high school. she postponed her education to put him thru college. he was on the fast track. his mentor at this regionally recognized company became my friend. Bobby had the right stuff
and then it was found he had terminal cancer soon after he began working. the life he and my wife planned did not work out. she was a widow at 23

let me note that Bobby's bad luck was the only reason i am now married to a woman who is much better than i deserve. but i know, if she were forced to make an impossible choice, to have to choose between us, i would be holding the short straw
so, no need to dwell on it. just recognize that you were twice fortunate and move on in appreciation of what a lucky man you are to have found a soulmate you can be with

WCH said:

Don't tell your new Wife any of this. :shock:

Click to expand...

My wife has a spooky way of knowing what I think,feel and am going though and has always been supportive.
Which makes me feel even guilty.
I feelI should love them both equaly,like I do with my three daughters.
But i can't.
I am just happier with Selena tha I was Allison (it wan't a bad marraige,but there were many things we didn't see eye to eye).

Verthaine said:

Yes it is. I just feel I am doing Allies memory a disservice by not loving her more.
I know it's ridiculous.but that's just how I'm feeling know. The only times i think of Allie is on our wedding anniversary (Nov 10th) Her birthday (Feb 20) and today.

The problem I I love all three of my daughters eaully,so I have no frame of refernce to compare it to Allie.

Selena knows i get sentimental at these dates,and she leaves me be and understands.
Which is making me more guilty.
Being "normal" is something I never was comfortable with.I always were the type to be different.
It's made me very successful and wealthy.
Allie never understood (and thought I'd go bully up in a year) why I wanted to own my own restuarant.
My youngest daughter was only 3 when Allies died,so the only mother she ever known was Selena.
The oldest didn't call Selena "mom"until college.
Selena always encourages me to go that extra mile.

Click to expand...

Tough situation. There is enough love for everyone... is my answer.

Also... memory of love fades. Doesnt mean it wasnt as real or just as intense then for one as it is now for another.

Celebrity said:

Rationalizing this might read like: you love a dead person less than your wife.

Click to expand...

Actually,I love a living person more than I do the dead one.

It's not like me and Allie was headed for divorce.
A drunk driver ended our marriaige and her life.
Sometimes I wonder what me and my daughters lives would be like if she wasn't killed.

Would we still be together at this time?
Would I be as successful as I am now?Allie was very cautious and conservative while I am more of a free wheeling risk taker.

Verthaine said:

My wife has a spooky way of knowing what I think,feel and am going though and has always been supportive.
Which makes me feel even guilty.
I feelI should love them both equaly,like I do with my three daughters.
But i can't.
I am just happier with Selena tha I was Allison (it wan't a bad marraige,but there were many things we didn't see eye to eye).

Click to expand...

EXs, even dead ones, are a sore spot in any relationship. Don't look her directly in the eyes until you have moved on.

WCH said:

Don't tell your new Wife any of this. :shock:

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I don't agree.

A wife is someone you tell things to, especially things like this.

Verthaine said:

My wife has a spooky way of knowing what I think,feel and am going though and has always been supportive.
Which makes me feel even guilty.
I feelI should love them both equaly,like I do with my three daughters.
But i can't.
I am just happier with Selena tha I was Allison (it wan't a bad marraige,but there were many things we didn't see eye to eye).

Click to expand...

As you've grown older you've realised the things you wanted in a relationship and probably so has Selena if she'd also had a previous long term serious relationship that ended. Life's like that sometimes, doesn't mean your first wife was any less important and you certainly shouldn't feel guilty about loving Selena more.

Verthaine said:

Today is the 20th anniversary of my first wife's death by a drunk driver.
Allison was a good woman,a good wife, and a good mother,but I always felt she didn't understand me and my desire and ambition,to become better than I was.
She always thought I was overworking myself.while I saw it as doing something I love
I loved her dearly and do miss her.

I didn't even date for 5 years afterward until I met Selena.
I always felt that Selena is my soulmate. We are still madly in love with each other.
I feel Selena is the woman I was always meant for.
She understands me better than Allie ever did.

But lately,I've been feeling guilty that I love Selena more than I did my first wife.

Is that normal?

Click to expand...

Quit thinking so much.

One can't quantify love. You loved your first wife. You love your second wife. You love the one you're with more, in retrospect, than you loved Wife #1. Hindsight is 20-20.

I repeat, stop thinking do much. Be grateful.

Verthaine said:

Actually,I love a living person more than I do the dead one.

It's not like me and Allie was headed for divorce.
A drunk driver ended our marriaige and her life.
Sometimes I wonder what me and my daughters lives would be like if she wasn't killed.

Would we still be together at this time?
Would I be as successful as I am now?Allie was very cautious and conservative while I am more of a free wheeling risk taker.

Click to expand...

Well, pondering what might have been is a waste of time. I understand the exercise and it's human nature to indulge in it from time to time but it's also TOTALLY self-indulgent because after all that pondering and contemplating and such the change in your life is still absolutely zero.

I mean this is purely the realm of emotion... Grief and guilt and love and loss and ultimately that's not something that can be handled in some way other way other than working through it and talking it out.

I'd say the best person to work through that with would be his wife.

JayDubya said:

I don't agree.

A wife is someone you tell things to, especially things like this.

Click to expand...

I've had two...neither one was real good with EXs. I'll admit none of my EXs are dead.

Verthaine said:

Today is the 20th anniversary of my first wife's death by a drunk driver.
Allison was a good woman,a good wife, and a good mother,but I always felt she didn't understand me and my desire and ambition,to become better than I was.
She always thought I was overworking myself.while I saw it as doing something I love
I loved her dearly and do miss her.

I didn't even date for 5 years afterward until I met Selena.
I always felt that Selena is my soulmate. We are still madly in love with each other.
I feel Selena is the woman I was always meant for.
She understands me better than Allie ever did.

But lately,I've been feeling guilty that I love Selena more than I did my first wife.

Is that normal?

Click to expand...

You cannot change the past.

Now, you love the woman you are with, and you feel detached from another woman that you have not been with for 20 years.

In my opinion, this is completely normal, and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. It sounds like you have been able to make two women happy in your lifetime, and you should continue to value and cherish the people you are with now as well as the enduring memories of those you used to be with.

Verthaine said:

Actually,I love a living person more than I do the dead one.

It's not like me and Allie was headed for divorce.
A drunk driver ended our marriaige and her life.
Sometimes I wonder what me and my daughters lives would be like if she wasn't killed.

Would we still be together at this time?
Would I be as successful as I am now?Allie was very cautious and conservative while I am more of a free wheeling risk taker.

Click to expand...

Greetings, Verthaine. :2wave:

We don't just stop loving someone when they die, and although we miss them and grieve for a while - and that goes for family and friends - life goes on, and it's great when a new love comes along to share your life, as you have posted! :thumbs:

Speaking of life going on, it's good to see you! How goes the cleanup in your area - I've been wondering how everyone in your area is coping...

polgara said:

Greetings, Verthaine. :2wave:

We don't just stop loving someone when they die, and although we miss them and grieve for a while - and that goes for family and friends - life goes on, and it's great when a new love comes along to share your life, as you have posted! :thumbs:

Speaking of life going on, it's good to see you! How goes the cleanup in your area - I've been wondering how everyone in your area is coping...

Click to expand...

We didn"t get the heavy rains here in New Orleans

Verthaine said:

Today is the 20th anniversary of my first wife's death by a drunk driver.
Allison was a good woman,a good wife, and a good mother,but I always felt she didn't understand me and my desire and ambition,to become better than I was.
She always thought I was overworking myself.while I saw it as doing something I love
I loved her dearly and do miss her.

I didn't even date for 5 years afterward until I met Selena.
I always felt that Selena is my soulmate. We are still madly in love with each other.
I feel Selena is the woman I was always meant for.
She understands me better than Allie ever did.

But lately,I've been feeling guilty that I love Selena more than I did my first wife.

Is that normal?

Click to expand...

Is love really so easily quantifiable?

I can see one thing immediately that Allison did, which Selena never will.

She loved you anyway.

For Selena, it's easy (well, as easy as loving anyone ever is, anyway). For Allison, it was a choice she made every day, even the good days. You don't seem like the type to marry someone who's dumb, so I assume she noticed that less-than-perfect meeting of the minds just as much as you did.

And the same is true for you. You worked for Allison. You don't have to with Selena.

Maybe you feel more sense of awe or wonder with Selena. But clearly, you had something else with Allison.

If you were to ask me the two greatest loves of my life, including all varieties of love, I'd give you two answers.

One of them is easy. There's that awe. That oneness.

The other was always hard. We worked. We had to. And at the end of it, we were a well-oiled machine, and losing him felt like getting my armed ripped off and then being beaten senseless with said severed limb. Just like I'm sure it would in the statistically likely event that my partner goes first.

Who did I love more?

I could never answer that.

You can measure love by the melding of the minds, as you seem to with Allison, yes.

But you can also measure it by blood, sweat, and tears.

You can measure love by the serendipity of how well you fall into place with each other without even trying.

And you can also measure it by the will you show in how hard you work to make things click.

At the end of the day, what's a more selfless choice? What is more a sign of putting your money where your mouth is?

Loving when it's easy, or loving when it's hard?

I know you and Selena have been through ****. But loving her has always been easy.

I think you underestimate yourself.

I also think it does you no good to worry yourself with what is normal. I've met thousands of people, and I've yet to meet a single one who is normal. I doubt you have either.

You're you, living your messy human life, doing the best you can. You're doing pretty good at it. You did well by Allison. You do well by Selena. Be happy with that.