I'm sitting alone drinking to much again and just need to get this off my chest. Three years ago I had a baby girl, her name was Emily and I loved her more than anything in this entire ****ed up world. She was a mistake and I'd only been getting my **** together when I found out I was going to have her. I spent a long time thinking over whether or not I should have her or just abort her because I wasn't bringing her into a good place, but in the end I planned things out and did everything to make sure I could afford her and we wouldn't be living in poverty. I did everything I could for my baby with doctors visits and medicine and working a **** retail job at 8 months pregnant all by myself just so I could bring some happiness into my life. she was born in October and was so so beautiful. I'd messed up a few things in my life but I wasn't going to mess up with her if I could help it.
Then when she was 8 months old, too young yet for an mmr shot? she got sick. She was sick for a while and I'd never seen anything like it. I took her to the doctor. She was in the hospital and she looked so bad, she was crying and coughing and there was nothing I could do. I felt like the worst mother in the world. After I got her to the hospital she got worse, got something called measles encephalitis, where her brain was inflamed. I hadn't believed in god in years but you better believe I was praying for her every day.
She died in the hospital a week or so later. I held her little tiny body and wanted to jump off a bridge and broke down in the hospital. The nurses were sympathetic and I was, well I made a scene I'm pretty sure.
I found out later via facebook of ****ing course that the neighbor I'd had watch my baby was an anti-vaxxer and had posted photos of her kid sick and other bull**** about how he was fine.
He was fine? He was FINE? My kid was DEAD because she made that choice. I went over and talked to her and she admitted he'd been sick when she'd had my kid last but didn't think much of it. I screamed at her. I screamed and yelled and told her the devil was going to torture her soul for eternity you god loving **** because she took my baby from me. I'm sure I looked crazy, at the time maybe I was. I'm crying writing this now, and in my darkest moments I'd wished her kid was dead and it makes me feel worse.
I'd like to say I'm doing better but I'm really not. I'm alive, going day to day, trying to be the person I wanted to be for my kid even if my little Emily isn't here anymore. That's the only thing keeping me going anymore. I don't have anything else left.
Please vaccinate your kids, so other moms like me don't have to watch their baby die. It's not just your choice only affecting your kid, you are putting every child who for some reason hasn't gotten vaccinated in SO much danger. Please please please for the love of god please vaccinate.
for such things?
