1. I voted Republican because I believe that oil companies can never make enough profits, even when the rest of the economy is taking hits left and right.
2. I voted Republican because rather than give my money to the government— with its checks, balances, and elections—I prefer to give my money to corporations, whose primary goal is to make money and whose leaders are accountable only to themselves.
3. I voted Republican because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as it’s promulgated by conservative Christians.
4. I voted Republican because it’s perfectly acceptable for any yokel to purchase a repeating rifle at a gun show and wield it in parks, malls, and schools.
5. I voted Republican because it’s more important for corporations to have the right to send pollutants into the air and water than to heed the warnings of virtually every reputable climatologist in the world about environmental threats.
6. I voted Republican because government should stay out of our lives except when it comes to telling women what to do with their own bodies or telling gay people whom they can and cannot marry or telling anyone whether and how to pray.
7. I voted Republican because children of illegal immigrants, who had no say in their parents’ decision to come to the U.S., should be deprived of health care, education, and Social Security benefits, no matter how needy they are or how much they’ve contributed to their country.
8. I voted Republican because businesses shouldn’t feel compelled to give anything back to the government that gave them all kinds of tax breaks and subsidies.
9. I voted Republican because I believe conservative judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days so that, for example, corporations can gain status as individuals.
10. I voted Republican because I think it’s better to rely on resources that contribute to war, dictatorships, and environmental catastrophe than to expend the capital to develop safer sources of energy.
11. I voted Republican because while we live in the greatest, most wonderful country in the world, I long to return to the Bush years when we failed to prevent an attack by terrorists, spent billions of dollars and thousands of lives on unprovoked wars, suppressed scientific studies that contradicted administration policy, routinely tortured prisoners, lied to Congress and the people, fostered an oppressive surveillance network on our own citizens, presided over a widening gulf between the rich and the poor, oversaw our economy making the transition from surplus to huge deficit, mismanaged immigration policy, appointed reactionary judges to the U.S. Supreme Court, condoned all sorts of administrative malfeasance, gave Federal money to churches and religious organizations, neglected areas of the country hit by natural disasters, and encouraged political discourse that sought the lowest possible level of an intellectual exchange of ideas.
12. I voted Republican because I favor greed, religious fervor, and simplistic thinking over kindness, rationality, and critical analysis.
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