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MaggieD

You can't make this stuff up...

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So a few days ago, Tom and I had another heart to heart. He's very patient. I'll give him that. He finally admitted that, yes, they'd had sex. Just oral he says. I believe nothing.

Late last year, he says she gave him a letter from her doctor telling him he needed to be checked for herpes, since she was infected. He's done nothing about it. SUSPECT.

She told him he's her only sexual partner since her husband died in 2013. That perhaps his resistance was down because he was having chemo. I find that ludicrous. No symptoms for four years? And not blaming Tom? I sure would. SUSPECT.

He's trying to find the doctor's letter to show me now. See I don't really know how long they've been together. The date of that letter has meaning to me. CANT FND YET.

They were just friends -- A LIE. "But I guess I can't have friends, so...so I won't talk to her anymore."

They absolutely didn't have sex --- A LIE. Changed his story two weeks later. They did.

He called her every couple of days -- A LIE. Until I found his online call log -- averaged 140 calls a month for as far back as his new cell providers go back...which is the beginning of August.

He started seeing her in late fall -- A LIE. Now,, since I saw lots of calls in early August, now it started some time in June.

So, did he start this affair after he found out I was in Stage IV cancer? Or way before that?

"Why do you care, Maggie?" Well, as I've said, I have willed him about $450,000 or more. My house worth probably a few hundred thousand...all the furnishings, $40,000 in gold boullion, a $40,000 life insurance policy, an $80,000 C.D., my two-year-old Lexus, $60,000 from one of my IRAs. I have also asked John to leave him a $100,000 CD payable on his death. He's set that up, and probably wouldn't change it unless Tom doesn't stay in touch or I ASK him to change it.

All this was done to be certain he can live somewhat comfortably knowing that he will, if he lives long enough, go blind from his eye disease. He already cannot drive at night and needs special lighted magnifiers to read.

If I ask him to leave, he's told me his girlfriend will not let him move in. A LIE?? He said he had a senior lady rider (he just retired as a taxi owner operator because of his sight. Can't drive at night anymore) who he thought he could rent a room from. What a way to live out the remainder of his life.

And also btw, his girlfriend was out of work a year, much of last year. So while I thought he was driving his taxi, how many times was he actually with her? I could never believe anything he told me. So I don't ask.

So if I did that, I'd end up giving my dog and three rescue cats to a no-kill shelter when I could no longer take care for them . . . And who, btw, have promised me they will take care of and try to get homes for.

My dilemma continues to be . . . do I try very hard to live with the lies and betrayal so that he stays with me through my death? Leave the bequests as they are knowing that he betrayed me so terribly? Do I redo those bequests to much less and tell him? Not tell him?

What the **** do I do??

Every time I leave the house for any length of time, like today, lunch with a girlfriend at Cooper's Hawk, I pray the GPS tracker won't show he's been TO her house or driven BY her house. Because that would be the end. I'm scheduled to go to FL with my cousin end of April for five days if I'm still well enough...the thought makes me physically ill.

Last Sunday I was out of town for the day. The tracker showed he'd driven by her house four times...He only admitted to once and then only because I told him I'd driven by her house on the way home and THAT was just ten minutes before he'd made his final run. So he thought we saw him.

What to do...

Thanks for listening.
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  1. nota bene's Avatar
    I am heartbroken for you and just disgusted by him.

    Only you can make these terrible decisions. But the fact is that this home-wrecking, herpes-infected, no-good skank will be enjoying the fruits of your labor.

    I hope you find the middle ground between magnanimous and punitive, sigh.
  2. MaggieD's Avatar
    You hit the nail right on the head, Nota. The line between punitive and magnanimous. That's it exactly.
  3. TheGoverness's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by MaggieD
    You hit the nail right on the head, Nota. The line between punitive and magnanimous. That's it exactly.
    I'm so, so, so, so sorry that you're in this terrible situation right now Mags. Tom is without a doubt, a total piece of ****ing **** to have lied to you like this, and to have betrayed your trust.
  4. Black Dog's Avatar
    Maggie I am so, so sorry you are having to go through this. I say kick his ass to the curb and take care of your business. My friend Steve stayed with his wife who had terminal cancer for 8 damn years. Never cheated because he said "it would kill her."

    He does not respect you or your home. In my book he is dirt, period.

    I wish you all the best and hope God gives you the strength to get through this.
  5. cpwill's Avatar
    My temptation is to agree with all the above - this guy is lying to you, and will continue to lie to you, until he can enjoy your house without having to lie to you about what he is doing in it or elsewhere.

    But I'm not in your relationship or your world, and I don't know what you want to forgive or not. Mercy is something I've never regretted giving, even when it was hard, but this is a worldly extension of you - don't put it to things you can't stomach, or to enabling self-destructive, sinful behavior.

    A hard place to be in and a hard thing to do, either way.
  6. haymarket's Avatar
    So he did not have sex but got oral from her. At his age - lots guys would prefer that as their favorite anyways.

    My advice - may him pay for that blow job by canceling your generosity to him with all those goodies coming his way when the inevitable happens. Give it to other relatives or charity but tell him that blow job just cost him $100 grand an inch.

    Ask him to think about if that was worth it.
  7. MaggieD's Avatar
  8. Crovax's Avatar
    have you thought about heavy metal poisoning, I read that it can be very hard to prove if theres and autopsy
  9. joko104's Avatar
    Sorry to read all of this, Maggie.

    It seems you are between a rock and a hard place. That he continues to circle around her means he has no intention of stopping and only of not getting caught. He's playing cat and mouse with you - and so is she with him. It is them against you as the cop and bad guy, an exciting game to them.

    I won't pretend I have any good suggestions about that situation because from what I read it will never change. Even if you can watch him enough to mostly keep them apart, his mind and emotions are not towards you in postive ways, but evasive ways. He's acting like a child trying to not get caught by you in his mother role. That's a raw deal, more maybe than you want to self acknowledge.

    State law probably assures him a good share of your estate regardless of your will, but not all of it, particularly if you have children. You should make your gold and other high value items inaccessible to him, such as a safe deposit box he does not have access to. Or you could come home one day and it is all gone - along with him - or mysterious unexplanable so-call theft. The reality will be that she doesn't just want him, but everything you have. Sometimes you are just too nice and understanding it seems. It seems Tom knows this and is gaming you, but then just my sense of it. It seems you are understanding hoping against a reality you don't want to exist. But to an outside view that you have a tracker on his car - and he is lying to you still circling around her - tells the reality.

    Do you really want to leave everything to him now? I think he should pay a price, literally, for the cat and mouse game he is still playing with you. It is likely the other woman has carefully calculated your estate so she's not going to let go of him either. That means you would not just be leaving your estate to him, but also to her. How much of your estate do you want to give her, not just him?

    You can do a new will without anyone knowing it, have the lawyer hold it so Tom would never know. The new will would erase the former without anyone the wiser. I certainly would give the bank etc a retraction of power of attorney, if you did one, and have the lawyer make an overall withdrawing of power of attorney. A lot of couples do those along the way and it means he/her could take everything, even the house. The lawyer would contact beneficiaries as required in such event so it would remain fully secret until then as you would not have to tell anyoe. But let's hope you live to 110, ok?

    Why don't you spend your $$? Go see the world. Fly to NY to go to Broadway. Paris, Rome, London. Go see the Pyramids. The Caribbean Islands are good for a person's health. Eat at the finest, most expensive restaurants. Max out your credit on a fabulous car, fantastic clothes. Buy expensive gifts for friends and yourself.

    This is superior to your house closing in on you as you try to secretly go thru the GPS tracking over and over figuring what it means. My suggestion for whatever it is worth - maybe nothing - is to stop living fixated on him, that's a real bummer, isn't it? And that bad karma isn't good for your health one bit either. The way to stay alive is to live, not to close in on yourself. The world and life is far more than just your house, gold coins, assets, Tom and her.

    While I do not post on the forum, every now and then I look in and saw your blog entries. Heartbreaking. You always have been one of the most personable members of the forum. I wish you all the best in the world.
  10. Lutherf's Avatar
    Oof.

    Maggie, you're a good woman with a huge heart. Don't change that just because someone screwed you over.

    Your problem seems to be that you can't trust Tom and that makes perfect sense. You also want to make sure that he can live a decent life as he goes blind. The happy medium is a Charitable Remainder Trust. Set things up so that Tom gets a small, but helpful, distribution every month until he dies and then whatever is left goes to a charity. Tom will be taken care of decently, his paramour won't have access to anything extra and you will have done right by yourself.
  11. reinoe's Avatar
    Maggie, why exactly is Tom so dependent on you? I'm sure in the past he was a loving husband, but from the sounds of things, let in your marriage he actually brings nothing to the table. When you talk about going to Florida and feeling physically ill because he's so untrustworthy. Is that what you want to feel in a relationship? My thing is I've never been truly heartbroken and I've never been madly in love. I've just had relationships that have ended amicably at best to meh at worst. So I literally cannot fathom the true love you've had and the true heartbreak you're going through.

    I will point this out though. Do what you can not to leave Tom a dime. I suspect that he probably blabbed about what you've bequethed and that's why she's with him. Look at it this way: she not taking advantage of Tom, she's trying to take advantage of you. And I think that's the worst part. Because it's likely that if he were broke and penniless she probably wouldn't give him the time of day. If you do any changes to your estate, DO NOT TELL HIM.
  12. Hawkeye10's Avatar
    "Oh, What am I to do....?"

    I must admit that I do not know, and as we all know this sucks and of course you dont deserve this and of course he is a prick and yes this is so scary but Mags....(Can I call you Mags?)......did you have your heart set on a Hallmark Ending?

    Well, you got Shakespeare.

    Maybe God ****ed up.

    SORRY
    Updated 03-21-17 at 11:19 PM by Hawkeye10
  13. Trippy Trekker's Avatar
    Maggie, God Bless your dog and three rescue cats! I know that your DP Family represents another component of your support group. You discovered Tom, someone you considered your trusted partner, betrayed you. You continue to battle life-threatening cancer. It seems right now more than ever, you need a strong and trusted support group! Please put the focus on your needs and your desires! Keep trying to do the next right thing. I would hope in your circumstances you do not, figuratively speaking, let yourself become a door mat for anybody!
    I hope you make that trip with your cousin to Florida. In case you have any doubts, the mere thought of you in Florida makes me smile!
    Feel some Love... and hoping you make the best of your circumstances!
  14. Trippy Trekker's Avatar
    Maggie, my first post appeared not to post.... so I re-posted. Feel some Love!
    Updated 03-22-17 at 01:54 PM by Trippy Trekker
  15. MaggieD's Avatar
    Such beautiful and kind words from our DP family. Even though I know I drive some of you absolutely crazy. Even a few laughs. Wanted Hallmark. Got Shakespeare. Ain't that the truth? $100,000 an inch. If ya' don't smile at that, you ain't breathin'. So many words of wisdom.

    So. Update. Tom is still here. I am in the process of changing everything except the house. If he really has changed? My house will reward him for the 17-1/2 years he treated me like a princess...and for helping me care for my mom for a year with narry a complaint. It feels right to me. And as that saying goes, "Let God sort it out later." I've made a compassionate decision. And I think it's in my best interest.

    Tom cares about me. I know he does. I think he afraid of being alone. And I do believe it's in my best interest to stay in my home with him here to help me. Cutting off my nose may immediately feel good, but I think I should give it one more try. The tracker is back on the car although he doesn't know it. If he has a burner he may be calling her, but I don't think he has one...? No more chances. Next time, he is gone....with the grace and help from God.

    Thank you all. And you just know I'll keep you posted. Scan in ten days to see if I continue with palliative chemo or join hospice. And btw, all of this with Tom is a thousand times more painful than my diagnosis.

    Live's a real sketch. A friend sent me a meme. "When life knocks you on your ass, pick yourself up, look fate in the eyes and say, 'Is that the best you've got, bitch??'

    ��
  16. UtahBill's Avatar
    How old is Tom, and his special friend?
    Is she expecting to benefit from your passing?
    Maybe if she thought Tom wasn't going to be so well off she might go looking elsewhere?

    I have seen people go down this path, a very recent one lost his medical practice and his kids over a pretty face, nice figure, or something else. Then he killed himself.

    No matter what the reason a person does something like this, surely they haven't realized that they are trading some minor problem for several much bigger ones...

    Sorry to hear about your cancer.
  17. truthatallcost's Avatar
    Wow, that's quite frankly bull**** of anyone to do to their spouse while you're dealing with your own trials and tribulations. I feel for you, you really shouldn't be having to deal with this while dealing with the rest.
  18. Removable Mind's Avatar
    In my humble opinion...

    If Tom has a utilitarian purpose to you that is vital for you to navigate through this very challenging and difficult health issue that you are experiencing. Then that is an important consideration.

    And in light of knowing what you know about his other relationship, then you MUST have the emotional fortitude to accept that you now have a relationship with Tom under and different premise. You MUST also have the courage to detach with love, from the way you have always perceived what relationship with Tom to have been.

    And perhaps you must surrender to the reality that Tom's indiscretions and infidelities won't change in the future no matter how much Tom might want it to, but simply can't bring himself to end it.

    Then make it clear to him what you expect him to do from henceforth, and how he's will serve your needs in the future, in order to be the recipient of your estate, or any part of your estate.

    In other words, he's significantly violated your long standing partnership relationship by bringing another person into his life for what appears to be around a year (give or take) - so now it genuinely looks like his value to you is more to serve you under such circumstances - than to participate in your life as a spouse, common law relationship, or an informal marriage relationship.

    My warmest hopes for you and that you achieve the most peaceful resolve possible.

    RM
  19. Rogue Valley's Avatar
    Terribly sorry things have fallen apart at such a crucial time in your life Maggie.

    Whatever you decide, just make sure it is right for you ... and rewards you with a peaceful easy feeling.

    RV
  20. grip's Avatar
    Don't be quick to give up on love. I'm finding it to be a rare thing.
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