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my mother is dying........

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chemo will give her give her maybe another year. this is my first in-depth experience with our health care system, and i am more firmly convinced than ever that everything is driven by the almighty dollar. she's had no fewer than 4 doctors see her every day, inlcuding the admitting doctor who acknowledged he is no longer necessary. she entered the hospital with acute renal failure which they discovered was a sympton of invasive bladder cancer. renal failure taken care of, nephrologists still making daily rounds. now, she is on medicare and will soon qualify for medicaid, which is a blessing. that said, medicaid/medicare will spend untold thousands to keep a woman alive who will never go home. she will never return home, as not one of her children lives in her state. she will finish her days in a nursing home as she wasn't able to care for herself before this happened, (mentally or physically) and no treatment will change that. i should add that she can't move to another state as then she couldn't qualify for medicaid.

so, the oncologist immediately recommended chemo, which has my mother convinced that she can be cured. he recommended chemo because his office will of course administer the chemo. ching ching. she is 75, a life long smoker, most of her life she drank heavily, and had not seen a doctor in 4 years before this. she had had a triple bypass, has a very poor diet, and in general has never done anything to enhance her health.

her chance at a cure is 2%, and that would be for someone in optimal health. i am so conflicted about this......she is undergoing chemo thinking that her children will then leave her alone and allow her to go back to living in squalor, and to die completely alone. we are doing our best for her out of obligation, not really love.

i guess i just need to vent a bit, my husband doesn't understand my relationship with my other as he had a normal" family. and i am very disappointed in her choice, and in the encouragement form her doctors, who never speak plainly. i asked very specific questions, but my mother just allows things to happen to her, all the while saying what she thinks people want to hear so she can "get out".

this sucks.
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  1. Tashah's Avatar
    So sorry to read this liblady
  2. X Factor's Avatar
    Liblady, I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I'm also sincerely sorry you haven't had a good relationship with her. Can you really blame her, though, for grasping at even a slim hope of staying alive? I don't know your situation so apologies if I'm speaking out of turn. I sincerely wish for some measure of peace for her, for you and for your whole family.
  3. DiAnna's Avatar
    OMG, Liblady, I'm so very sorry for what you're going through. I understand why you're conflicted. My siblings and I had very, very poor relationships with our cold, narcisstic parents. My sister found herself with a vile, verbally abusive old woman being dumped on her when her nursing home couldn't cope. Sis lost her job, and spent miserable months changing adult diapers and enduring a constant stream of insults, and feeling guilty because of the relief she felt when this suffering woman finally passed. I'm only mentioning this because I understand how you must be torn.

    Unless your mother has been declared legally incompetent, it is entirely her choice as to whether to go through treatment or not. It sounds as if she has made this choice, at least for the moment. Go day by day, sweetie. Things will change, and chemo might be more than your mother is willing to endure. She might change her mind. My thoughts and blessings go to you and your family during this difficult time.
  4. Councilman's Avatar
    I am very sorry to hear this. It is never easy to face the end of life as many believe it to be.

    I have died for 4 minutes and come back and I can tell you that on the other side all pain ends and that a glorious future awaits.

    It's very hard to see now but it is there and I assure you there is so much more to come than what we see here and now.
  5. liblady's Avatar
    thanks to you all for your good wishes.
  6. Mr. Invisible's Avatar
    Sorry to hear this. I hope that the chemo gives your mom another year and that its the best year of her life.
  7. Kali's Avatar
    I am so sorry to hear this. I am sending you and your mom good thoughts and vibes.
  8. Pull My Finger's Avatar
    Awful news, liblady. My condolences.



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