dandeloin21

I know that's a deep topic for my first post, and obviously my question is more towards the men, but if any women have had any experience then I'd like to hear your views as well.

So, that's my question in a nutshell. Would you be standoffish? Would the notion of it be offensive? I ask because it happened to me almost 2 yrs ago when I was married. Our marriage was already on the rocks but then when that happened it really spiraled down from there. In a heated argument he said that they rape was the number 1 reason for our getting divorced. He later recanted and said he just said it b/c he was angry. Still in the back of my mind, I wonder if that is an issue for guys?

talloulou

Rape is a definite issue for guys. More so if it is their girlfriend/wife/sister/mom who was raped. I'm not sure if it's even an issue if they meet a girl and she was raped in the past. I think they can deal well enough with that if there aren't any lingering issues that get in the way of a healthy sex life.

But not all men handle the rape of their wife/girlfriend well. I don't know why that it is. There's lots of anger and emotion involved and often the woman who was raped becomes the target. There's nothing they can do about it after the fact and so for some men they self blame or blame the woman. There may be other issues that I don't understand but I do know that for some men being supportive is often impossible for them in such circumstances and it's not unusual for a couple to have difficulty making it through such an ordeal. Many women report feeling that their spouse/boyfriend is angry or accusatory towards them.

But again, this seems mostly to be true only with the boyfriend/spouse that is the dating the woman at the time of the rape.

Future relationships don't have the same problem.

dandeloin21

That's what I'm hoping! My situation had more pieces than a jigsaw puzzle. The guy was his friend, he stopped being his friend, then became his friend again. I felt supported at first, then as you pointed out, accused. I stillhold much resentment for how he handled things, but I'm trying to move on with my life now. I just don't know if I should leave that part out in my next serious relationship, which I think one is starting.

Gipper

Depends on the girl. If she was able to deal with it, put it behind her, and live her life in the same way before she was raped, I'd date her.

However, if she turned into a basket-cased shell of her former self, then no...I couldn't handle the emotional baggage.

All women have issues, but I'm not about to complicate my life by accepting the worst of the worst. Low-maintenance is the way to go.

__________________
A government big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away. - Barry Goldwater

talloulou

It's probably not, in my mind, introductory material. I don't think you should feel that you are never to speak of it. But if you bring it up very early in a relationship a guy may feel you're "dumping" emotional baggage on him and it may make him weary. My best advice is to make sure you're physically and mentally healthy and then when you're in a relationship for a substantial amount of time and you feel like opening up to your partner than do so. But definitely, I wouldn't drop such info along with where you work, how many siblings you have, your favorite type of music....

dandeloin21

No, I would not drop it on him early into the relationship, that's pretty much a given

bhkad

Re: Would you date somebody who was raped?

Yes. I have.

She was damaged goods after that even though I tried being emotionally supportive. I even suggested to her sister that 'Deena'* should seek professional counseling, to which the Sister said that her 'family can help her heal as well as any shrink'.

Then I also tried to go back to the way we had been before but everything seemed to be interpreted wrong and so she soon broke it off with me.

In retrospect I think I could have benefited by visiting the shrink just to learn how best to react and respond and support her during the recovery period.

But it was easier to just wish her well and move on to the next chapter in my social life. After all, she left me no other option. How do you 'force' a recent rape victim not to leave you without making her feel violated again???

God bless her.


* Not her real name.

__________________
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bhkad

Most men have a gene which governs the degree to which they see themselves as protector/avenger.

Any man with a well developed Protector/Avenger gene who can not protect his loved ones feels emasculated and embarrassed in his own eyes. Any man who abides by the law and refrains from exacting vengeance on the perpetrator of this act of violence on his loved ones is further made to feel impotent in his own eyes.

Even though the woman may have absolutely no expectation of her man being a protector or avenger, what the man feels about his perceived failure to do his "duty" is what makes him weird after his loved one is assaulted and he does nothing before, during or afterwards.

Anytime a feature film dealing with the husband or father or boyfriend has to stand by helplessly and endure the rape or infliction of pain to his loved ones you can be sure that film will not do good box office with male movie goers.

It is every man's greatest unspoken fear.

And the ones who feel it most profoundly are the ones who become martial arts aficionados or own and regularly practice the use of weapons or who pay to live in ultra safe communities or who work out a lot and become really strong.

dandeloin21

I hope "Deena" finds peace wherever she is. I think I've gotten through most of what I need to get through. I don't know if you ever argued with her over her feelings, or made light of it, but that's probably the worst thing someone could do. For instance, I can't stand the smell of alcohol on someone's breath because that's all I smelled on his breath. Months later my husband and I were intimate after he drank a few beers (he wasn't drunk) and I told him we couldn't go further unless he ate something to cover the smell or brush his teeth. He went ballistic, I mean crazy ballistic!! . That was one of the only times I ever wanted to really hurt him for not at least trying to be understanding.

bhkad

He became friends with the rapist AFTER he raped you???

I'd say that your mate must have been torn by what he perceived as mitigating factors.

I'd say that if he loved you and you were both faithful to each other then there should be no question. The friend was not a friend after all. And no matter what, he should never be in his social circle again.

Your mate sounds really conflicted. And maybe he and his 'friend' can screw each other til the cows come home and then he will find peace.

You are better off without him. Good for you for moving on from that piece of flotsam.

But now, how are you going to design your inner being change things and make better choices in the future?

That's a rhetorical question which I don't expect you to answer here. It's not safe to put too much of your personal business online.