aps

I had an argument with a male friend of mine today. He says that if a woman genuinely cares about him, she should be willing to engage in certain sex acts that he finds very appealing even if it's not appealing to her.

I can see that point. However, if a sex act did not appeal to me, or made me uncomfortable, I think that if a man genuinely cared about me, he wouldn't want me to engage in that sort of act.

What do you all think?

mikhail

I guess its a question of degree.If you are so very uncomftable with something proposed you should say no.

But sex is suposed to be a 2 way thing part of being with the right person is being with the right person sexually.If someone doesent match you sexually its a bit like them not matching you personality wise.Im sure there are plenty of women also in the same boat.

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herenow1

There's some things hubby likes me to do that I don't like to do, but I will do it once in awhile to please him and make him happy. There's nothing that I like that he is totally against..then again..I'm a ''vanilla' type of gal.

Jerry

I think he has to respect her boundries.

Personaly, if she doesn't offer it, it's out of bounds.

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galenrox

My gf always took the "I'll give it a shot" angle as long as I'd back off afterwards if she didn't like it. Case and point, we only had sex in the elevator of my parents building (they live in an old folks home) once.

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1069

On one hand, I partially agree with Jerry; someone who continuously pesters one to engage in acts which make one uncomfortable doesn't seem like a wise choice of partner.
It seems possible that this lack of consideration will carry over to other areas of life, and that they might not respect one's wishes or boundaries out of bed any more than they do in it.
I am reminded of a bisexual ex-boyfriend who was obsessed with anal sex (both giving and receiving), and pestered me relentlessly, even after he was made aware that I am not fond of it.
He started to remind me of "Sam I Am" from Green Eggs and Ham with his dogged and distasteful single-mindedness.
Needless to say, the relationship didn't last long.

On the other hand... well, actually, there is no "other hand".
Don't do things that you don't feel comfortable with. Just don't. Anyone who would ask you to isn't worth it.
Nobody should knowingly take pleasure at your expense.
If sex isn't mutually satisfying, then you're with the wrong partner.

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Stace

That right there is what a good relationship is all about...compromise. Would it be safe to assume that your husband doesn't pester you to perform these acts?

Honestly, if there are things that one partner is not comfortable doing, the requestor should either back off or seek a relationship that may be more satisfying. Personally, I think that without the expectation of a partner to perform certain acts, it is that much more enjoyable when they ARE willing to perform them, because you know that without the pressure, they're performing of their own free will, and are doing it for your enjoyment. It's no fun if someone feels guilted or forced into performing something they don't enjoy.

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herenow1

We have been happily married for awhile now which makes a big difference. We have an established relationship where we both compromise on various things. Someone dating someone or feeling someone out is a different story. My dh doesn't make a habit of pressuring me, but he does have his episodes where he'll try to make me feel guilty if I don't want to do a certain something, and yes at times it has bothered me in the past, but I know he'd never FORCE me to do something I didn't want.

herenow1

I just re-read your post and it almost sounds like your 'friend' is a teenager. I say that b/c that's the stuff that guys usually say in High School, or college even. Again, if there is a longtime commitment there(ie marriage) then I feel there should be some compromise, as long as it isn't anything unethical or goes against your personal convictions. I want to keep the fire going so I'm willing to forfeit my uncomfort to please him, BUT I know he'd still love me either way. Some guys who pressure you DON'T love you and will just use you for as long as they can- without any respect for your feelings. That's when it's a problem and unacceptable. This can go for either gender btw.

rivrrat

I think it depends on the matter of degree. Some things you may not enjoy as much as others, but if your partner does... I think compromises for mutual satisfaction can and should be made. However, if it's something that you really detest, find "wrong", find painful, whatever.... then no, someone should not feel pressured to do something in that manner.

Case in point:

I don't particularly "like" being on top. But my BF does like it sometimes. Thus, I occasionally compromise - though this is never at his request. I just know he enjoys it, even if it is my least fav position.

However, if a partner wanted me to participate in anal sex, for instance, and that was incredibly uncomfortable, or even painful to me (which it certainly can be), or even if I found it completely repulsive - and he KNEW this - then I would expect him to respect the boundries I've laid out.

If there's such a huge gap in sexual desires then perhaps those two people should not be together.

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