Stace

Too lazy to see if we've covered this topic already. So share your thoughts on cheating. What constitutes cheating in your eyes? Emotional involvement? A kiss? Or nothing short of full blown sex?

What would you do if you found out your partner had cheated on you? Have you ever cheated? How did you handle the situation?

In my eyes, anything that you wouldn't do with someone else in front of your partner is cheating. Sharing an emotional involvement that's better suited to be shared with your partner is cheating.

I've never cheated. I think many of us, including myself, have thought about it....we're only human. But I can honestly say that I've never ever truly thought of actually acting on those thoughts.

As far as what I would do if I were cheated on...I don't know anymore. I used to think that it was unforgiveable in any circumstances and I would immediately leave, that it'd automatically be the end of the relationship. Now, I'm not so sure.

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independent_thinker2002

Having kids changes your perspective, huh? As I get older I think my stance has changed. I used to be "it's over". Now that I have so much invested in the relationship, it's "I owe you one, for life". That may not be right or show lots of character, but it sure would absolve me from feeling any guilt about it afterwards.

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bhkad

Make your mind up that you will not divorce because of an infidelity. Then proceed as though you WOULD divorce him if he cheated. Then if he ever does cheat you make him think it means the end of the marriage. When he begs for forgiveness take him back only with promises that you will never go through this again.

Next time is the last time.

And mean it.

Now, if he says he wants a divorce then you are up the creek and it's your fault.

Why your fault?

A man seldom leaves a woman if she is as pretty and sweet and loving as she was when they first met. A man only does what a woman makes him do.

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Kelzie

What's cheating...I suppose there's different degrees of it. Kissing is cheating, but would I end a relationship over it? Depends on how much I have invested in it.

I've never cheated. That's not how my mind works. I put so much energy into the person I'm with that even thinking having another on the side is laughable. Consider it? Nah. I might joke around with guys from work, but I've never thought of taking it farther.

As for a response for cheating...right now I'd leave if my boy cheated. No marriage, no kids and anyone that's cheating after such a short amount of time isn't worth it. But if we had kids and a life together, I don't know. I suppose it would help to figure out why he did such a thing and go from there.

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be humble for you are made of earth; be noble for you are made of stars

Serbian proverb

1069

I cheated on my first husband. More than once. A lot more than once, truth be told.
I don't know why I did it. It's hard to recall what my mindset was.
The fact is, I treated him very shabbily, yet came out of the situation feeling like a victim myself.
It's only in retrospect that I've come to understand how badly I treated him, and how little he deserved it.
I think I was somewhat of a sociopath in my teens. I seriously think I was mentally ill; pathologically self-centered. Unable to think about how my actions affected others. Unable to believe that my actions did affect others; I didn't feel powerful enough to really make someone hurt. I didn't feel important enough that anything I did really mattered.
Because of this, I felt free to ignore proprieties.

It seems like I came to my senses sometime in my mid twenties.
By this time, I was well-ensconced in my second marriage.
Comprehension dawned on me slowly and terribly- I did have the power to hurt others, and I had done so, repeatedly, irreparably.
I have not, at this point, slept with anyone but my husband in years.
More than that, I have consciously struggled to avoid hurting or manipulating other people.

It scares me to realize that one can do really a lot of damage to others, without ever breaking the law, without ever being violent, without ever being wilfully, deliberately, or consciously unkind, without ever having any intent to hurt anyone, or ever even realizing until much later that one has. Hurt people, I mean.
It scares me because now that my kids are teenagers, I see varying degrees of this- this lack of empathy, this potential to do damage- in them.
I want them to be good people.
But I don't think they really understand what that means, "good".
I didn't understand it either, when I was their age.
I didn't understand that other people had real feelings, just like me. I understood it intellectually, but the knowledge was superficial, not bone-deep. I didn't really believe it.

I think it takes some people a long time to develop a cognitive awareness of others and emotional maturity and empathy and a conscience.
When this... developmental delay, for lack of a better word, is combined with a high intellect, people like this can be somewhat dangerous. Unconscious manipulators, who are able to justify- to themselves- whatever they want to do.

I am not that kind of person now, and I didn't know I was that kind of person, at the time.
Once you start to know that you're bad (in the sense of destructive), then you have a choice to stop being that way. Until you understand what you are and have that level of self-awareness, you can't stop or change.
It's not a matter of being evil or immoral; it's a matter of being amoral, which is not necessarily under one's control or in one's power to change or even recognize.

I have spent a lot of time over the years trying to figure all this out.
I have felt a lot of guilt, suffocating at times, about the harm I've done in this world.
At this point I no longer have a lot of guilt, because I've realized it's futile, counterproductive. I've made amends as best I can and I've accepted that I can't repair everything I've broken. I'm a good person now. I have empathy. I am careful with others.

I can't f'ing believe I just wrote all this down.
I am trying to shed some light on what might compel a person to cheat, manipulate, betray, and commit other petty emotional cruelties (petty, of course, only in comparison to other types of cruelty, the violent type that men are more apt to commit).

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Kelzie

It sounds strange to say but that was quite a beautiful post. We so rarely get a chance to glimpse into another's psyche/soul/thought process as you have so wonderfully provided us. Thank you. I'm sure what happened hurt you and those around you terribly, but it sounds like you have come out of it a better person. And sometimes, that's the best we can hope for.

Billo_Really

1069, what you said is not just true for relationships and cheating, it apply's to everyone (including nations) and how we perceive the world around us. I was (and still sometimes) the worst person I know. But I stopped beating myself up over it a long time ago. It took me a little longer to figure out that there is no "us and them". It's just "us".

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"With neocons, it just goes to show, when the
bar is low enough, you can never be too wrong!"

Billo_Really

I almost forgot...

Oral sex isn't cheating!

WI Crippler

Strangely enough my wife and I were talking about this today.

I have never cheated on my wife. I would like to think that I never actually would. Sure I like to flirt around with some of the various female posters here, but none of its serious. The reason I say I would like to think I would never cheat, is because an opportunity has never really presented itself. I don't go looking for it, and I hope it doesn't find me. But I know I am weak. I cannot help but look at other attractive females as they happen across my field of vision, and think about sex with them. I never act on it, in part because I know that I have a somewhat addictive personality. I am not a person who deals in moderation. I am either all in or all out. I cannot drink just 2 beers. If I drink 2 beers I will drink 12. If I smoke 1 cigarette, I will smoke a whole pack.If I diet and excersise, I am a demon in the gym, and when I fall of McDonalds stock goes up. I completely immerse myself into whatever it is I am doing. So I know if I ever cheat, it won't just be a one time thing. I will probably get some kind of thrill from it, and become addicted to the act. So I purposely keep myself out of situations where the possibilties present themselves.

The one thing I do have working for me, is that when I am having those 12 beers, I become completely oblivious to any kind of pick-up or sexual advance. Prior to my marriage, my buddies would always laugh at how I completely turned away beautiful women, because I was so happy when I was drunk I did not want to leave the party and go off with the girl> I become extremely friendly when drunk, to the point everyone is my buddy. Which is in direct opposition to the dour approach I take with strangers in the sober world.

As for being cheated on, yes I have been cheated on. How I found out?? I guessed. I felt like it was going on, but I had no proof. I knew she was going to a party where on of her exes was going to be, and she had been talking about him alot at the time. I called her on it a few days later, and she admitted to it, thinking I actually knew. Although I suspected, it still hurt.
And I spent the next 11 months reeking of desperation, evidenced by the fact I received not one affectionate touch from a female during that span.

Thank god for Australian women

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Hatuey

I don't really know how I feel about cheating. Sure before I got married I had girlfriends I cheated on. Why I did it? I thought it was just healthy physical interaction between willing parties. Not ever did I dedicate more then 5 minutes a month to thinking about what I was doing. I just thought it was how the world worked. Some screw around. Some get screwed around on. Then I got with Franki and she's been the single biggest influence in my life. She makes me want to be on a straight line. She makes me want to be better. Not because I don't think I'm good enough as it is but because I feel like I'm indebted to her on a spiritual level.

In my travels the offer has been put on the table by women above me and some of my subordinates. Have I ever thought about going along with it? Honestly? Yes. How can I not? I'm a young and productive member of society who isn't brain dead. Franki knows I love her to death but she also knows that I'm a man who is still in his prime. She knows that I deal with beautiful women on a daily basis and that even though we're married we're still people who can make mistakes.

Franki is beautiful. Not only in my eyes but in the eyes of a lot of men. It's not uncommon for her to come home complaining about some random guy staring at her at the local convenience store. I don't blame them. She's this pretty young thing that takes pride in the way she looks. She's got this way of talking to people and making them fall in love with her. I tell her everyday she'd be able to sell sh!t to Mr. Clean. I know for a fact that there are guys who have tried to talk her into cheating on me. Honestly I've already told her that I love her but if she ever wants to leave me for some other man because I don't make her happy anymore. She's welcome to. We'll sell all our stuff. She'll get whatever she wants and I'll just start over somewhere else. It would kill me but it would be the only solution. I wouldn't want to be friends with her if either of us ever broke the bows we took.

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