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How to Treat a Submissive Woman

OrlandoGringo said:
I recently met, online, a really hip woman who loves football and seems really down to earth. In our subsequent email exchanges she revealed to me that she has always wanted a man to dominate her and that her greatest desire is to please. We've had some pretty steamy exchanges. :mrgreen: However, I'm a newbie to this Dominant/Submissive stuff and so I know she wants me to "dominate" her, but I'm not used to it. I could be, I guess. The sex sure sounds awesome and, like I said, she seems pretty hip outside the bedroom too. So, I think we might click. I'd like to give her what she wants, but I'm not sure how. If we go out to eat do I tell her what she's eating? I know that sounds, well, terrible, but I suspect she would be turned on by it and wants me to do exactly that, but I'm not sure.

Any advice or links would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!
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You eat, she waits.
 
Gardener said:
Seems to me that if you have to ask,it ain't gonna work.

She will want the real thing and not a reasonable facsimile thereof.
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I dunno. That's how a lot of people get into it -- through meeting someone.

I think what's more telling is whether you start hitting a groove after trying it out. Yup, people can simply emulate something, and if that's what winds up happening, probably the wrong dynamic for them. But perhaps they wind up having their own ideas and it works.
 
tecoyah said:
Run away....quickly.

Unless you are already into the dominant aggressive male role....you wont be able to pull it off to her preference. And you will hate yourself for trying.
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Gardener said:
Seems to me that if you have to ask,it ain't gonna work.

She will want the real thing and not a reasonable facsimile thereof.
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Wrong on both aspects. As S&M pointed out there are many people who learn and enjoy both sides. As a leader in my local community, I personally know several people who have come to love BDSM and did not have the life long attraction to it. My wife is one. Kink is like most other activities. You have those who are naturals and have always had some kind of draw to it, even if they never realized it at the time. And then there are those who learn it and enjoy it. Naturally there are those who try and find it not to their liking.

Smartmouthwoman said:
It's been my experience that most men today prefer to be dominated by their woman... leaving very few actual Doms to go around.

Pity, too... lots of strong women are interested in a D/s relationship. Something about playing a totally opposite role in your off time is very appealing. Too bad there aren't more capable partners. ;)
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That has to be a regional thing. Here our overall sub population is larger than the Dom(me) population. The female subs are more numerous than the male subs, and the female Dommes fall significantly behind the males, number-wise. That's looking strictly at the binary divisions and not even touching the switches and/or non-binary genders.
 
maquiscat said:
Wrong on both aspects. As S&M pointed out there are many people who learn and enjoy both sides. As a leader in my local community, I personally know several people who have come to love BDSM and did not have the life long attraction to it. My wife is one. Kink is like most other activities. You have those who are naturals and have always had some kind of draw to it, even if they never realized it at the time. And then there are those who learn it and enjoy it. Naturally there are those who try and find it not to their liking.



That has to be a regional thing. Here our overall sub population is larger than the Dom(me) population. The female subs are more numerous than the male subs, and the female Dommes fall significantly behind the males, number-wise. That's looking strictly at the binary divisions and not even touching the switches and/or non-binary genders.
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The reason I recommended he "Run Away" ties directly into your comments. It seems obvious by his question he is far from a "Natural", and is unlikely to enjoy the Kink.
 
maquiscat said:
Wrong on both aspects. As S&M pointed out there are many people who learn and enjoy both sides. As a leader in my local community, I personally know several people who have come to love BDSM and did not have the life long attraction to it. My wife is one. Kink is like most other activities. You have those who are naturals and have always had some kind of draw to it, even if they never realized it at the time. And then there are those who learn it and enjoy it. Naturally there are those who try and find it not to their liking.



That has to be a regional thing. Here our overall sub population is larger than the Dom(me) population. The female subs are more numerous than the male subs, and the female Dommes fall significantly behind the males, number-wise. That's looking strictly at the binary divisions and not even touching the switches and/or non-binary genders.
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Sounds like you keep a little black book. ;)

My impression of the demographics in this area is VERY limited. There are groups and social clubs where serious players can partake, but I've never done that scene. Nothing against it... just never had a partner who was willing to experiment to that extent.

Silly boys.

:lamo
 
tecoyah said:
The reason I recommended he "Run Away" ties directly into your comments. It seems obvious by his question he is far from a "Natural", and is unlikely to enjoy the Kink.
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Either you completely missed my point or I didn't word it well enough. There are many people who are into the lifestyle who were not "naturals" and who had no real ideas about what BDSM was, who have learned and come to enjoy the lifestyle. You don't have to be a natural or even initially like it to end up enjoying it. I've known people who tried it and are now the among the most enthusiastic lifestylers out there.

Smartmouthwoman said:
Sounds like you keep a little black book. ;)

My impression of the demographics in this area is VERY limited. There are groups and social clubs where serious players can partake, but I've never done that scene. Nothing against it... just never had a partner who was willing to experiment to that extent.

Silly boys.

:lamo
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No, just from years of leading the local group as well as my interactions with the Education Coordinator of one of he near by metro groups. It's pure observation and I couldn't support it through numbers or anything. There are still a bunch of people in my area who are not part of any of the 4 regional groups that I don't really pay attention to so I don't know what their "orientations" are. But in talking to various people around the country, I do know that different areas have different surpluses and deficits in player types.
 
tecoyah said:
The reason I recommended he "Run Away" ties directly into your comments. It seems obvious by his question he is far from a "Natural", and is unlikely to enjoy the Kink.
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I think these questions are quite common even for "naturals," most especially from dominant types. How does one go about a healthy and mutually respectful power exchange relationship? Our society offers no answers for that. We only have two standard models: egalitarian, and bigoted (in the case of ruling male and passive female, sexism).

So if you want to be dominant, how do you go about that if you aren't a sexist? No answers from society. And as I said, a lot of guys struggle with the way society might perceive them for being in this kind of relationship.

Think about this for a second. From a purely mechanical level, how would you go about dominating a woman for whom you have respect? You don't have to be kinky to consider this question. You just have to imagine what actions you could perform that would convey dominance in a meaningful way, without acting like a sexist asshole.

Sort of hard to answer, isn't it?

That's the problem new male Doms run into, whether they're "naturals" or "learners." It's not because there are no answers -- there's actually millions. But it's hard to answer because our social concept of it is so tainted.

In some respects, I think Dommes have it a little easier while learning -- they have less bad programming to overcome in order to answer that question.
 
SmokeAndMirrors said:
I think these questions are quite common even for "naturals," most especially from dominant types. How does one go about a healthy and mutually respectful power exchange relationship? Our society offers no answers for that. We only have two standard models: egalitarian, and bigoted (in the case of ruling male and passive female, sexism).

So if you want to be dominant, how do you go about that if you aren't a sexist? No answers from society. And as I said, a lot of guys struggle with the way society might perceive them for being in this kind of relationship.

Think about this for a second. From a purely mechanical level, how would you go about dominating a woman for whom you have respect? You don't have to be kinky to consider this question. You just have to imagine what actions you could perform that would convey dominance in a meaningful way, without acting like a sexist asshole.

Sort of hard to answer, isn't it?

That's the problem new male Doms run into, whether they're "naturals" or "learners." It's not because there are no answers -- there's actually millions. But it's hard to answer because our social concept of it is so tainted.

In some respects, I think Dommes have it a little easier while learning -- they have less bad programming to overcome in order to answer that question.
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I agree its probably easier for a novice Domme to learn than a novice Dom. If a woman has to tell you how to act, she wont be able to think of you as a dominate man. Now the next woman he gets involved with might be different since she'll be the one who benefits from his prev 'training'. ;)
 
OrlandoGringo said:
I recently met, online, a really hip woman who loves football and seems really down to earth. In our subsequent email exchanges she revealed to me that she has always wanted a man to dominate her and that her greatest desire is to please. We've had some pretty steamy exchanges. :mrgreen: However, I'm a newbie to this Dominant/Submissive stuff and so I know she wants me to "dominate" her, but I'm not used to it. I could be, I guess. The sex sure sounds awesome and, like I said, she seems pretty hip outside the bedroom too. So, I think we might click. I'd like to give her what she wants, but I'm not sure how. If we go out to eat do I tell her what she's eating? I know that sounds, well, terrible, but I suspect she would be turned on by it and wants me to do exactly that, but I'm not sure.

Any advice or links would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!
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Like Goshin said: you need to talk to her and find out what she's thinking, what she's referring to. Sex in the bedroom? A life style? 24/7/365 or only on occasion? Everything up to you or not?

Some women are naturally submissive and have various needs that can only be met this way - yet other women read 50 Shades of Grey and thought the sex sounded hot.

www.fetlife.com <-- If it's the former, this is a good resource.

Just have rough sex if it's the later and she's not interested or expecting anything beyond some 50 Shades spankings (likely she'd prefer it without the caning)

#1 Important thing of any relationship: communication.
 
Smartmouthwoman said:
I agree its probably easier for a novice Domme to learn than a novice Dom. If a woman has to tell you how to act, she wont be able to think of you as a dominate man. Now the next woman he gets involved with might be different since she'll be the one who benefits from his prev 'training'. ;)
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Yes, but because our society tends to look down on male submissiveness, she also has to be careful not to develop a sexist attitude towards her sub herself. ;)

But still, starting is easier I think. What gets a lot of guys is the conflation of dominance and physical violence. The two have nothing to do with each other of course, but that's how most people conceptualize it.

A straight Domme usually doesn't have the option of physically overpowering her sub. She's forced to use her personality and her understanding of her partner's mind instead -- which is a good thing, and as long as respect is maintained for the sub, naturally lends itself to a healthy exchange.

There's nothing wrong with an agreed-to scene that involves acting out physical overpowering of course, but it's not something a Domme can usually default to with a male sub.
 
OrlandoGringo said:
I recently met, online, a really hip woman who loves football and seems really down to earth. In our subsequent email exchanges she revealed to me that she has always wanted a man to dominate her and that her greatest desire is to please. We've had some pretty steamy exchanges. :mrgreen: However, I'm a newbie to this Dominant/Submissive stuff and so I know she wants me to "dominate" her, but I'm not used to it. I could be, I guess. The sex sure sounds awesome and, like I said, she seems pretty hip outside the bedroom too. So, I think we might click. I'd like to give her what she wants, but I'm not sure how. If we go out to eat do I tell her what she's eating? I know that sounds, well, terrible, but I suspect she would be turned on by it and wants me to do exactly that, but I'm not sure.

Any advice or links would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!
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If you are in the Driver's seat, and she is telling you how to drive and where to go...are you really driving?
 
SmokeAndMirrors said:
Yes, but because our society tends to look down on male submissiveness, she also has to be careful not to develop a sexist attitude towards her sub herself. ;)

But still, starting is easier I think. What gets a lot of guys is the conflation of dominance and physical violence. The two have nothing to do with each other of course, but that's how most people conceptualize it.

A straight Domme usually doesn't have the option of physically overpowering her sub. She's forced to use her personality and her understanding of her partner's mind instead -- which is a good thing, and as long as respect is maintained for the sub, naturally lends itself to a healthy exchange.

There's nothing wrong with an agreed-to scene that involves acting out physical overpowering of course, but it's not something a Domme can usually default to with a male sub.
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I've never thought of the D/s scene as physical domination. Its turning over control that most subs find appealing... not pain.

And of course, nothing works without trust and communication.
 
Smartmouthwoman said:
I've never thought of the D/s scene as physical domination. Its turning over control that most subs find appealing... not pain.

And of course, nothing works without trust and communication.
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I agree, but that's the concept a lot of newbies have, which is part of why male Doms struggle so much with knowing what to do, or with being a Dom. Socially, that's what pops into most people's heads. Men know that, for the most part, they are capable of overpowering most women, and this tends to create shame when they are asked to be dominant, or discover that they desire to be.

But because most women can't do that to most men, they don't have to deal with that particular hang-up.
 
Domming can be an exhaustive role sometimes. Be wary if she influences you to became an Alpha Gorilla Male with her tastes and sends you off your base with those. If that happens it just may not last.
 
All this talk about subs makes me want a footlong meatball with extra cheese.
 
Ugh, no sub men for me, tyvm. Maybe you could find a nice liberal woman to take care of you?

*runs*
 
Smartmouthwoman said:
Ugh, no sub men for me, tyvm. Maybe you could find a nice liberal woman to take care of you?

*runs*
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Actually, seems he found himself a nice conservative woman one to do it. ;)

Don't go being mean to the subbie boys. They have their place. (Ba-dum ching!)
 
SmokeAndMirrors said:
I think these questions are quite common even for "naturals," most especially from dominant types. How does one go about a healthy and mutually respectful power exchange relationship? Our society offers no answers for that. We only have two standard models: egalitarian, and bigoted (in the case of ruling male and passive female, sexism).

So if you want to be dominant, how do you go about that if you aren't a sexist? No answers from society. And as I said, a lot of guys struggle with the way society might perceive them for being in this kind of relationship.

Think about this for a second. From a purely mechanical level, how would you go about dominating a woman for whom you have respect? You don't have to be kinky to consider this question. You just have to imagine what actions you could perform that would convey dominance in a meaningful way, without acting like a sexist asshole.

Sort of hard to answer, isn't it?
That's the problem new male Doms run into, whether they're "naturals" or "learners." It's not because there are no answers -- there's actually millions. But it's hard to answer because our social concept of it is so tainted.

In some respects, I think Dommes have it a little easier while learning -- they have less bad programming to overcome in order to answer that question.
Click to expand...


From my experience (which is limited in BSDM)....dominance is not an entirely sexual play. My wife can be dominant in many ways....sexual, emotional, verbal etc. I can also play this role but, it is the interchange that excites...not the game.
 
tecoyah said:
From my experience (which is limited in BSDM)....dominance is not an entirely sexual play. My wife can be dominant in many ways....sexual, emotional, verbal etc. I can also play this role but, it is the interchange that excites...not the game.
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That's my experience that it's an overall demeanor, though some powerful men (CEO types) really like the extreme end of S&M.

I'm naturally submissive by nature but in a strong way, if that makes sense? I guess I'm easy going, open minded and sort of eager to please, though someone would know when they've stepped over the line from good taste to abused toady.
 
SmokeAndMirrors said:
So if you want to be dominant, how do you go about that if you aren't a sexist?
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The only way a dominant is sexist (within the context of BDSM) is if said dominant believes that only their gender can/should be the dominant one. As a male dominant (well I'm actually a switch, but never realized that for many years), I've always acknowledged that females can also be dominants as well, so there could be no sexism there. However, it is true that the perception is there because not many people outside of the lifestyle see how the, in this example, male dominant treats females other than the submissive he deals with.

In some respects, I think Dommes have it a little easier while learning -- they have less bad programming to overcome in order to answer that question.
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I'll agree with you here. Society has been trying to send the message that females should be assertive and that helps Dommes. However, they still have to overcome that societal message of mutual respect.


Aunt Spiker said:
www.fetlife.com <-- If it's the former, this is a good resource.
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Just as a warning, you have to sign up for Fetlife to view any content. Additionally, because it is pretty much open forum, tread carefully. Munch groups are great ways to met people for learning. Even better if the group has an educational program (mine does). There are also some larger groups that don't have munches that will have educational programs as well as other resources for learning. But Fet also houses plenty of sexist arseholes who have no real respect for others.

#1 Important thing of any relationship: communication.
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Amen!

grip said:
That's my experience that it's an overall demeanor, though some powerful men (CEO types) really like the extreme end of S&M.

I'm naturally submissive by nature but in a strong way, if that makes sense? I guess I'm easy going, open minded and sort of eager to please, though someone would know when they've stepped over the line from good taste to abused toady.
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One of the problems with BDSM is the image those outside the lifestyle have of submissive. One of the things I encourage newbies is to look up the Submissive Bill of Rights. It really helps to stave off some misconceptions. The link BTW is not the original publishing of the Bill, but the original writer, I believe, gave permission for it to be widely disseminated.
 
maquiscat said:
One of the problems with BDSM is the image those outside the lifestyle have of submissive. One of the things I encourage newbies is to look up the Submissive Bill of Rights. It really helps to stave off some misconceptions. The link BTW is not the original publishing of the Bill, but the original writer, I believe, gave permission for it to be widely disseminated.
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Oh, I'm not into BDSM in any real form. I've been mistaken by some gals as a submissive type personality, but I can be very dominating when pushed.
 
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