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How many times does she need to say 'no'?[W:36]

radcen

radcen

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Scenario: Two college students. Both 19 yrs old. He likes her. She's ambivalent about him (note: doesn't dislike him). He asks her out. She says 'no'.

Is that it?

Is he allowed to keep trying, or is one no all there is allowed? How much is too much? One no? Two nos? 5 nos? 35 nos?

Question presumes no revulsion or malice on her part, she just said no. He does not know if there is a specific reason, or not.
 
radcen said:
Scenario: Two college students. Both 19 yrs old. He likes her. She's ambivalent about him (note: doesn't dislike him). He asks her out. She says 'no'.

Is that it?

Is he allowed to keep trying, or is one no all there is allowed? How much is too much? One no? Two nos? 5 nos? 35 nos?

Question presumes no revulsion or malice on her part, she just said no. He does not know if there is a specific reason, or not.
Click to expand...

1.25 is more than enough.
 
radcen said:
Scenario: Two college students. Both 19 yrs old. He likes her. She's ambivalent about him (note: doesn't dislike him). He asks her out. She says 'no'.

Is that it?

Is he allowed to keep trying, or is one no all there is allowed? How much is too much? One no? Two nos? 5 nos? 35 nos?

Question presumes no revulsion or malice on her part, she just said no. He does not know if there is a specific reason, or not.
Click to expand...

Uh, yeah. That's it. Perhaps slightly less so if his next attempt was separated by a fair amount of time and plenty of getting-to-know-you platonic hanging out with positive signals. Things can change. But they're not going to change tomorrow or even next week, in all likelihood, so asking again is unfairly pressuring. And I would say if you get another no after lots of time and hanging out and positive signals, just drop it. If she doesn't want to date you now, she never will. Don't screw up your friendship because you wrongly feel entitled to a date.

Is he allowed? I guess. Free country and all that. But don't be surprised if he's perceived as pushy. And the more times he does it, the more that opinion will intensify until it breaks into creepy.

There is considerable danger, in pushing and pushing to pressure a "no" into turning into a "yes," that she will move from ambivalence to active revulsion. Pressuring isn't nice.
 
radcen said:
Scenario: Two college students. Both 19 yrs old. He likes her. She's ambivalent about him (note: doesn't dislike him). He asks her out. She says 'no'.

Is that it?

Is he allowed to keep trying, or is one no all there is allowed? How much is too much? One no? Two nos? 5 nos? 35 nos?

Question presumes no revulsion or malice on her part, she just said no. He does not know if there is a specific reason, or not.
Click to expand...

Good sense would indicate you should have the courtesy, dignity, self-respect, and basic understanding of social cues to simply bugger off if she's not giving you the time of day.

However, if she's not giving you a hard "no," I'd say there's no particular harm in being mildly, and tactfully, persistent.
 
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yes, once is plenty

but there is a good come-back to follow her 'no': 'if you change your mind, let me know'

the ball is now in her court while yours are still intact

and then try to date her sister/best friend
 
radcen said:
Scenario: Two college students. Both 19 yrs old. He likes her. She's ambivalent about him (note: doesn't dislike him). He asks her out. She says 'no'.

Is that it?

Is he allowed to keep trying, or is one no all there is allowed? How much is too much? One no? Two nos? 5 nos? 35 nos?

Question presumes no revulsion or malice on her part, she just said no. He does not know if there is a specific reason, or not.
Click to expand...

If guys were required to stop asking when told no the first time, I wouldn't have been with my wife for the last 36 years. Sometimes you just gotta wear them down.
 
radcen said:
Scenario: Two college students. Both 19 yrs old. He likes her. She's ambivalent about him (note: doesn't dislike him). He asks her out. She says 'no'.

Is that it?

Is he allowed to keep trying, or is one no all there is allowed? How much is too much? One no? Two nos? 5 nos? 35 nos?

Question presumes no revulsion or malice on her part, she just said no. He does not know if there is a specific reason, or not.
Click to expand...

A single no in your scenario is not a game stopper. It is often just a pause in the game.

You accept the no and play it off. Wait a bit; days, a couple of weeks, whatever seems comfortable and try again.

A second no? That's a little more serious. Kick back for a good long while a couple three months. If your feeler's get a good vibe feel free to try one more time.

Third no? Consider that a strike out and don't bother her again.

Side note. I've had females ask me out after a third strike when I gave up...asking me why I gave up so easily. Ya never know. :shrug:
 
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radcen said:
Scenario: Two college students. Both 19 yrs old. He likes her. She's ambivalent about him (note: doesn't dislike him). He asks her out. She says 'no'.

Is that it?

Is he allowed to keep trying, or is one no all there is allowed? How much is too much? One no? Two nos? 5 nos? 35 nos?

Question presumes no revulsion or malice on her part, she just said no. He does not know if there is a specific reason, or not.
Click to expand...

Hard to know all the variables here. Like you said is there a specific reason. Maybe he seems likable but he smokes and she doesn't like smoking .. just an example of a scenario where if not for something specific she might go out with him.
 
SocialD said:
Hard to know all the variables here. Like you said is there a specific reason. Maybe he seems likable but he smokes and she doesn't like smoking .. just an example of a scenario where if not for something specific she might go out with him.
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Maybe she wasn't necessarily not interested at all, but just not interested (i.e. busy schedule, preferred to not date anyone for awhile, etc.) at that time. :shrug:
 
radcen said:
Is he allowed to keep trying,
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Absolutely. (assuming she's not already seeing somebody else)

As Captain Adverse said there should be some period of time between asking, but gee whiz....persistence often pays off.

Asking her out every single day, or every Friday is too much.

Asking her out once every couple of months....and as long as it remains polite and courteous seems perfectly fine.
Shows he's not out for a quickie. Shows he truly does have feelings for her.

If it becomes more than a slight annoyance for the girl, I'm sure she'll let him know in a not-so-subtle way at some point.
 
You can’t put numbers on this kind of thing. If you could it’d be the mathematicians and scientists who got all the girls rather than the athletes and musicians (not bitter at all ;) ).

He could ask why she said “no” (though she’s not obliged to give an answer). I see no problem with him asking again unless/until she tells him to stop asking or gives a long-term/permanent reason. There is obviously a line to be drawn between persistence and harassment but that’s very much down to individual circumstances.

In general I find people over-think this kind of thing and should rely on their instincts more than second-guessing every little incident and nuance.
 
HonestJoe said:
You can’t put numbers on this kind of thing. If you could it’d be the mathematicians and scientists who got all the girls rather than the athletes and musicians (not bitter at all ;) ).

He could ask why she said “no” (though she’s not obliged to give an answer). I see no problem with him asking again unless/until she tells him to stop asking or gives a long-term/permanent reason. There is obviously a line to be drawn between persistence and harassment but that’s very much down to individual circumstances.

In general I find people over-think this kind of thing and should rely on their instincts more than second-guessing every little incident and nuance.
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I completely agree you can't put a hard number on it, not even a "one and done". But, I think most people can come up with a general range or concept that would fit most situations.
 
radcen said:
Scenario: Two college students. Both 19 yrs old. He likes her. She's ambivalent about him (note: doesn't dislike him). He asks her out. She says 'no'.

Is that it?

Is he allowed to keep trying, or is one no all there is allowed? How much is too much? One no? Two nos? 5 nos? 35 nos?

Question presumes no revulsion or malice on her part, she just said no. He does not know if there is a specific reason, or not.
Click to expand...

Too many possible scenarios to give a single answer.
 
When women say "no" they almost always mean yes but are just playing coy.

If he wants that date he just needs to man up and take it.
 
radcen said:
Scenario: Two college students. Both 19 yrs old. He likes her. She's ambivalent about him (note: doesn't dislike him). He asks her out. She says 'no'.

Is that it?

Is he allowed to keep trying, or is one no all there is allowed? How much is too much? One no? Two nos? 5 nos? 35 nos?

Question presumes no revulsion or malice on her part, she just said no. He does not know if there is a specific reason, or not.
Click to expand...

Peoples minds change from day to day, even hour to hour. Id say he could ask as much as he wants as long as the girl is not feeling threatened.
 
Eight.
 
radcen said:
Scenario: Two college students. Both 19 yrs old. He likes her. She's ambivalent about him (note: doesn't dislike him). He asks her out. She says 'no'.

Is that it?

Is he allowed to keep trying, or is one no all there is allowed? How much is too much? One no? Two nos? 5 nos? 35 nos?

Question presumes no revulsion or malice on her part, she just said no. He does not know if there is a specific reason, or not.
Click to expand...

Women do not think the same way as men, just saying no might just as easily mean she wants you to try harder. Problem is once might not be enough, too many times makes you look desperate and like a loser or a stalker, best bet would be to give it another shot or two, then give up.

If all else fails they released the 50 volume book series on understanding women, each book is 20k pages, just a brisk read.
 
radcen said:
Scenario: Two college students. Both 19 yrs old. He likes her. She's ambivalent about him (note: doesn't dislike him). He asks her out. She says 'no'.

Is that it?

Is he allowed to keep trying, or is one no all there is allowed? How much is too much? One no? Two nos? 5 nos? 35 nos?

Question presumes no revulsion or malice on her part, she just said no. He does not know if there is a specific reason, or not.
Click to expand...

Three

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radcen said:
Scenario: Two college students. Both 19 yrs old. He likes her. She's ambivalent about him (note: doesn't dislike him). He asks her out. She says 'no'.

Is that it?

Is he allowed to keep trying, or is one no all there is allowed? How much is too much? One no? Two nos? 5 nos? 35 nos?

Question presumes no revulsion or malice on her part, she just said no. He does not know if there is a specific reason, or not.
Click to expand...

IMO there is no correct answer for this on paper and in theory without knowing many more details

Are they otherwise friends?
Are the in the same circle of friends?
Was that the only interaction she ever had with him?
etc. etc.

If my boyfriend gave up at the first no we might not be together. He is the love of my life and we want to get married in 2017 or 18 we just started talking about it.
The answer is going to be different just about every time. There are many things that could determine the answer. Asking again could be bad but it could be great or it could be meaningless.
 
LaylaWindu said:
IMO there is no correct answer for this on paper and in theory without knowing many more details

Are they otherwise friends?
Are the in the same circle of friends?
Was that the only interaction she ever had with him?
etc. etc.

If my boyfriend gave up at the first no we might not be together. He is the love of my life and we want to get married in 2017 or 18 we just started talking about it.
The answer is going to be different just about every time. There are many things that could determine the answer. Asking again could be bad but it could be great or it could be meaningless.
Click to expand...

your position seems to be a definitive 'maybe'
 
soot said:
When women say "no" they almost always mean yes but are just playing coy.

If he wants that date he just needs to man up and take it.
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I've always taken what a person said at face value. If they said no, that was it. Worked out as I ended up with someone who is straightforward and doesn't play "games". Coming up on 29 years since I asked her out on our first date.
 
radcen said:
Scenario: Two college students. Both 19 yrs old. He likes her. She's ambivalent about him (note: doesn't dislike him). He asks her out. She says 'no'.

Is that it?

Is he allowed to keep trying, or is one no all there is allowed? How much is too much? One no? Two nos? 5 nos? 35 nos?

Question presumes no revulsion or malice on her part, she just said no. He does not know if there is a specific reason, or not.
Click to expand...

If the answer is "once is enough" most romance movies would be pure fiction.
 
justabubba said:
your position seems to be a definitive 'maybe'
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My positions is there is no position, it's circumstantial. There is no one right or wrong answer.
 
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