Dealing with touch

This has been a topic that has been swimming around in my head for the past week now. I really wanted to find a thread in here that was already on the subject, but didn't see any. Then, last night at this thing, we were discussing boundaries and the subject of touch came up for a while. Okay, sorry, the point is I am wondering how people deal with touch? Not bad touch, not so much sexual touch either, but all the other types of touch.

Do you like touch? Do you tense up or really dislike it? When is it different, like times when you go either way? What can make you suddenly enjoy or dislike it?

Okay, I'll try to think of some examples. I don't want to limit this, or make it too broad that nobody wants to say anything.

-- Massage, by a friend, lover/partner, professional, etc
-- Crowded public area, a bar, club, with friends or anyone really
-- Holding hands, hugging, putting an arm around someone (or having it done to you), sitting next to someone, while sleeping next to someone

Okay, again, the question is not about bad touch, just the good type or the type we see in public a lot or just take for granted. I hope this makes sense.

How do you deal with touch?

I'm okay with a massage if it's from my husband or a masseuse (because if I go to a masseuse clearly I need one).

Crowded public area - ? - What type of touch happens here. I don't live in a city so I'm not honestly around people enough to tell. The occasional bump in public is no big deal. The idea of being sardined in a commuter train in Asia somewhere is enough to make my skin crawl.

Holding hands - only for my husband. I actually had to hold another guy's hands in my Cultural Anthropology class years ago and it was awkward as hell. Did NOT like. Put in this don't-ever-want-it category is someone draping themselves around my shoulder so their chest comes into contact with me.

Sleeping next to someone? I'm puzzled as to how this just sort of happens.

So for me it seems that anything 'husband' level of contact is not okay for anyone else to do.

A warm huge and cheek kiss by my mom and other family members at Xmas time (etc) isn't the same.

I can't stand being touched or even being that close to people. I've chosen a life of celibacy because I couldn't come to terms with it. But I'm kind of anomalous compared to your average guy.

I guess I do not have the sensitivities that others might have on this subject, nothing on the list bothers me.

Did the recent study about this inthe media make you think of this?
https://www.yahoo.com/health/where-we-do-and-dont-feel-comfortable-being-212711512.html

Here is a chart that shows the various comfort level broken down by gender and reltionship to the person touching you. Not too many surprises but interesting.



Personally, I'm not a touchy feely guy. Obviously I am fine with my wife touching me anywhere. Well, ALMOST anywhere. I am only comfortable with massage from my wife or a professional. Hand shaking with anyone doesn't bother me. Hugging friends and aquaintances, of either gender, I am comfortable with.

Incidental touching, like you are sitting next to each other and your arm or leg brushes up against the other person, makes me uncomfortable if it is another male, unless it is my sons.

Aunt Spiker said:

I'm okay with a massage if it's from my husband or a masseuse (because if I go to a masseuse clearly I need one).

Crowded public area - ? - What type of touch happens here. I don't live in a city so I'm not honestly around people enough to tell. The occasional bump in public is no big deal. The idea of being sardined in a commuter train in Asia somewhere is enough to make my skin crawl.

Holding hands - only for my husband. I actually had to hold another guy's hands in my Cultural Anthropology class years ago and it was awkward as hell. Did NOT like. Put in this don't-ever-want-it category is someone draping themselves around my shoulder so their chest comes into contact with me.

Sleeping next to someone? I'm puzzled as to how this just sort of happens.

So for me it seems that anything 'husband' level of contact is not okay for anyone else to do.

A warm huge and cheek kiss by my mom and other family members at Xmas time (etc) isn't the same.

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Oh, thank you. I didn't think or know if the question was even going to make sense. I think I understand what you are saying, it makes sense.

Some examples that came up in our group last night:

-- One lady said she doesn't like people "fussing" over her, so she never gets a manicure or a massage. She said she had one massage years ago, and though she liked the way it made her relax, she was still uncomfortable with the fact that somebody else was "fussing" over her to make her relax like that. I wonder if that is because she is so much like a mother figure to so many of us that she is always "fussing" over others? I don't know. Just a thought. It doesn't matter, just something that was interesting.

-- One girl said she doesn't mind touch, unless it will lead to sex. That was a pretty powerful statement. She doesn't mind being "fussed" over like the first example, or hugging friends, kissing on the cheek, that kind of thing, but touch leading to sex she doesn't like. She is married, and said that doesn't matter, either.

-- Another said she doesn't like shaking hands with strangers, or holding hands during some religious times when they pray together as a group.

For a time, I wasn't entirely comfortable with physical touch as displays of affection. It just isn't the way I usually express myself, I usually show my feelings with verbal communication, and constant hugging/etc just seems unnecessary.

I adjusted very quickly during my first relationship.

Amadeus said:

I can't stand being touched or even being that close to people. I've chosen a life of celibacy because I couldn't come to terms with it. But I'm kind of anomalous compared to your average guy.

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I know what you mean. I do.

BrewerBob said:

Did the recent study about this inthe media make you think of this?
https://www.yahoo.com/health/where-we-do-and-dont-feel-comfortable-being-212711512.html

Here is a chart that shows the various comfort level broken down by gender and reltionship to the person touching you. Not too many surprises but interesting.

View attachment 67192401

Personally, I'm not a touchy feely guy. Obviously I am fine with my wife touching me anywhere. Well, ALMOST anywhere. I am only comfortable with massage from my wife or a professional. Hand shaking with anyone doesn't bother me. Hugging friends and aquaintances, of either gender, I am comfortable with.

Incidental touching, like you are sitting next to each other and your arm or leg brushes up against the other person, makes me uncomfortable if it is another male, unless it is my sons.

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Wow, no I didn't know about this, but I will read it. Thanks for posting it. This has just been something that has been bothering me for a long time, and for whatever reason this week it has really been on my mind. Thanks!

Jesse Booth said:

For a time, I wasn't entirely comfortable with physical touch as displays of affection. It just isn't the way I usually express myself, I usually show my feelings with verbal communication, and constant hugging/etc just seems unnecessary.

I adjusted very quickly during my first relationship.

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I used to be terrible at both, but I am getting a lot better with talking. Glad to see you could adjust in that relationship. Do you lose interest with touch in a relationship? Sorry, that is probably too personal. You don't have to answer, of course. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Alyssa T. said:

This has been a topic that has been swimming around in my head for the past week now. I really wanted to find a thread in here that was already on the subject, but didn't see any. Then, last night at this thing, we were discussing boundaries and the subject of touch came up for a while. Okay, sorry, the point is I am wondering how people deal with touch? Not bad touch, not so much sexual touch either, but all the other types of touch.

Do you like touch? Do you tense up or really dislike it? When is it different, like times when you go either way? What can make you suddenly enjoy or dislike it?

Okay, I'll try to think of some examples. I don't want to limit this, or make it too broad that nobody wants to say anything.

-- Massage, by a friend, lover/partner, professional, etc
-- Crowded public area, a bar, club, with friends or anyone really
-- Holding hands, hugging, putting an arm around someone (or having it done to you), sitting next to someone, while sleeping next to someone

Okay, again, the question is not about bad touch, just the good type or the type we see in public a lot or just take for granted. I hope this makes sense.

How do you deal with touch?

Click to expand...

Interesting to think about.

Its all about context. Human beings are very complex social animals. I'm sure I could write pages and pages on the subject of appropriate vs inappropriate touching. I was about to write that if I'm not your friend or acquaintance? Keep your hands to yourself! Until I thought of this scenario in a subway train:

I am in a standing room only car. A man has his back to me, steps back and lands squarely on my foot with his size 13. He turns, begins apologizing profusely and puts his hand on my forearm and gives it a slight squeeze. Rolls his eyes, tilts his head back and says, "OMG, I am SO sorry!" No problem. His touch furthers my visual cue interpretation that he is sincerely mortified.

Some things are complicated to describe, like pornography. The human touch is one of those things. It's difficult to describe inappropriate vs inappropriate touching. But, rest assured, this cookie knows it when I feels it.

MaggieD said:

Interesting to think about.

Its all about context. Human beings are very complex social animals. I'm sure I could write pages and pages on the subject of appropriate vs inappropriate touching. I was about to write that if I'm not your friend or acquaintance? Keep your hands to yourself! Until I thought of this scenario in a subway train:

I am in a standing room only car. A man has his back to me, steps back and lands squarely on my foot with his size 13. He turns, begins apologizing profusely and puts his hand on my forearm and gives it a slight squeeze. Rolls his eyes, tilts his head back and says, "OMG, I am SO sorry!" No problem. His touch furthers my visual cue interpretation that he is sincerely mortified.

Some things are complicated to describe, like pornography. The human touch is one of those things. It's difficult to describe inappropriate vs inappropriate touching. But, rest assured, this cookie knows it when I feels it.

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Yes, you nailed the hard part. It took me forever to try and string together the OP, and I am embarrassed that it is probably a confusing mess. It is a very interesting subject, and it has been eating away at my brain lately. The discussion last night was so powerful and intimate, because we were all in a room together talking about this. Very powerful subject at times, or not, just like touch.

Alyssa T. said:

I used to be terrible at both, but I am getting a lot better with talking. Glad to see you could adjust in that relationship. Do you lose interest with touch in a relationship? Sorry, that is probably too personal. You don't have to answer, of course. Thanks for sharing your experience.

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It's fine, if it was too personal, I wouldn't have actually posted in this thread.

Have you ever read Love Languages, by Gary Chapman? It details the five primary ways people express love for friends and family: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and gift giving. I'm fairly certain that I'm primarily an acts of service and gift giving person. My girlfriend was definitely a physical touch and quality time type of person.

Once I got that idea through my head, I got more receptive to hugging, hand holding, etc.

Well, considering we are not talking about things sexual in nature...

I dont mind hugging my mom or the whole kiss on a cheek thing in public and things like that.

With friends, I did hug one of my best childhood friends before I moved, but no it was not sexual.

I abhor the occassional "arm around the son saying 'that's ma boy!'" thing my dad does once in a while.

Jesse Booth said:

It's fine, if it was too personal, I wouldn't have actually posted in this thread.

Have you ever read Love Languages, by Gary Chapman? It details the five primary ways people express love for friends and family: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and gift giving. I'm fairly certain that I'm primarily an acts of service and gift giving person. My girlfriend was definitely a physical touch and quality time type of person.

Once I got that idea through my head, I got more receptive to hugging, hand holding, etc.

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No, I never read the book. I might have to check it out. Never studied or explored this topic before, outside of certain things I have to do like last night. Usually I don't pay a lot of attention, but the discussion was pretty deep and right on the topic I wanted to hear about.

I know everybody's probably going to roll their eyes when I bring this up - but Christian's haphephobia is the only thing I seriously liked about FSoG. And i find it interesting that a lot of Japanese people suffer from it as well.

Aunt Spiker said:

I know everybody's probably going to roll their eyes when I bring this up - but Christian's haphephobia is the only thing I seriously liked about FSoG. And i find it interesting that a lot of Japanese people suffer from it as well.

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That's the fear of being touched, right? I had to look it up the other day because I didn't know the word for it. There were several words listed though, and I wasn't sure why there were so many.

Alyssa T. said:

That's the fear of being touched, right? I had to look it up the other day because I didn't know the word for it. There were several words listed though, and I wasn't sure why there were so many.

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Usually there are small difference. Some only fear being touched in certain places. Others fear being touched anywhere - and fear touching others. So the different terms differentiate the psych limits.

Luftwaffe said:

Well, considering we are not talking about things sexual in nature...

I dont mind hugging my mom or the whole kiss on a cheek thing in public and things like that.

With friends, I did hug one of my best childhood friends before I moved, but no it was not sexual.

I abhor the occassional "arm around the son saying 'that's ma boy!'" thing my dad does once in a while.

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I think you've given us great insight into your interpretation of human touch when you say, "But no it was not sexual," about hugging a best friend goodbye. That is not meant as criticism.

MaggieD said:

I am in a standing room only car. A man has his back to me, steps back and lands squarely on my foot with his size 13. He turns, begins apologizing profusely and puts his hand on my forearm and gives it a slight squeeze. Rolls his eyes, tilts his head back and says, "OMG, I am SO sorry!" No problem.

Click to expand...

It is amazing what a difference a slight change to the scenario can make.

I am in a standing room only car. A man has his back to me, steps back and lands squarely on my foot with his size 13. He turns, begins apologizing profusely and puts his hand on my forearm and gives it a slight squeeze. Rolls his eyes, tilts his head back and says, "OMG, your skin is SO soft!" Problem!

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I come from Italian stock so touching itself is no big deal and, frankly, I think it's necessary between humans. The question is more one of appropriateness than anything else.

Greeting a male stranger - handshake
Greeting a male acquaintance - handshake.
Greeting a male friend - handshake but duration might be longer and, depending on circumstances, might also include a pat on the upper arm.
Greeting a male relative - handshake and might include a hug

Greeting a female stranger - handshake
Greeting a female acquaintance - personal acquaintance may also get a hug and/or kiss on the cheek if she indicates it's appropriate. Professional acquaintance gets a handshake
Greeting a female friend - handshake and hug/kiss on cheek
Greeting a female relative - hug and kiss on cheek
Greeting a female partner - hug and kiss on lips. May include a cheek caress (upper cheek in public possibly both pair in private)

Sitting next to someone on public transport - leave space if possible. If not then so be it.

The cases for putting an arm around someone are totally situational and often involve alcohol

Touching while dancing - yes. Level of touch depends on level of familiarity

My comfort with other people touching me in any circumstance is generally dependent on whether it appears to be a cultural thing with them or not. I expect more touching from people who are from the Mediterranean area and very little touching from northern Europeans and Asians.

Holding hands in public - only with partner or children

Massage - only with partner

MaggieD said:

I think you've given us great insight into your interpretation of human touch when you say, "But no it was not sexual," about hugging a best friend goodbye. That is not meant as criticism.

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That brings up a good point with boys. I have heard a lot of them say things like "not gay, but" or something like that. But, then watching guys play sports and they are always touching each other on the butt or hugging and grabbing. It is kinda weird, and I don't know why some would feel uneasy about it at times, then go slap a guy's butt the next minute. It must have to do with expectations or, I don't know. I'm just making things up now. Sorry.

BrewerBob said:

It is amazing what a difference a slight change to the scenario can make.

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Hahahaha!!

Paradigm shift!!

Alyssa T. said:

That brings up a good point with boys. I have heard a lot of them say things like "not gay, but" or something like that. But, then watching guys play sports and they are always touching each other on the butt or hugging and grabbing. It is kinda weird, and I don't know why some would feel uneasy about it at times, then go slap a guy's butt the next minute. It must have to do with expectations or, I don't know. I'm just making things up now. Sorry.

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What? Don't apologize! Very insightful!

Alyssa T. said:

That brings up a good point with boys. I have heard a lot of them say things like "not gay, but" or something like that. But, then watching guys play sports and they are always touching each other on the butt or hugging and grabbing. It is kinda weird, and I don't know why some would feel uneasy about it at times, then go slap a guy's butt the next minute. It must have to do with expectations or, I don't know. I'm just making things up now. Sorry.

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I know! It's so ****ing weird!