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How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daughters

SassySmartie

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My dad didn't. I saw this article in my newsfeed this morning on FB and thought that it's a great attitude that this dad has. My favorite quote from the article:

I’m not the guard who locks you in the tower. Ideally, I am my daughter’s safe space, a garden to return to when the world has proved a little too cruel, a place where she can recuperate and reflect upon past mistakes and know that here, there is someone who loves her wholeheartedly and will hug her until the tears dry.

That’s what I want for you, sweetie. A bold life filled with big mistakes and bigger triumphs.

Thoughts?
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

My dad wasn't much of a talker, but more the strong silent type. I knew I could always depend on him to be there for me in times of need, but his presence was that of quiet assurance that everything would be okay.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

That was a good article. The creepy "I own my daughters sexuality" crap really needs to go.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

That was a good article. The creepy "I own my daughters sexuality" crap really needs to go.

I agree. I think it's more important for dads to empower their daughters with information to make good decisions. They need to learn how to be independent and make decisions and their own mistakes. I have a similar philosophy with my teen daughters. It seems to have worked so far, we have very open, honest communication about sex and relationships.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

I agree. I think it's more important for dads to empower their daughters with information to make good decisions. They need to learn how to be independent and make decisions and their own mistakes. I have a similar philosophy with my teen daughters. It seems to have worked so far, we have very open, honest communication about sex and relationships.

That's the kind of father I tried to be.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

Good grief, we're talking about teenagers here. Technically speaking that's 13 up. They're not going to expire or be ruined if they don't have sex until they're adults. It's not a glass cage. In fact, at least in my daughter's generation (she's near 40 now), she and a lot of her friends used their father's evil eye at the boys as a shield. This fellows daughter has no such shield - it's all on her shoulders and we know what tremendous pressure kids feel at that age over just about everything. She's been thrown to the wolves with the promise that he'll be there to bandage the wounds, but refuses to be there to fight off the wolves in the first place. Yeah, that'll make a teenage girl feel protected, safe.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

Good grief, we're talking about teenagers here. Technically speaking that's 13 up. They're not going to expire or be ruined if they don't have sex until they're adults. It's not a glass cage. In fact, at least in my daughter's generation (she's near 40 now), she and a lot of her friends used their father's evil eye at the boys as a shield. .

Haha- the bolded made me chuckle just a little. When I was a teenager, I had a "boyfriend" for awhile that was scared to death of my dad, after meeting him at the front door when he came to pick me up the first time. Little did he know that my dad was just a big lovable teddy bear who wouldn't hurt a fly. :lol:
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

I had to, im a single dad with full custody :shrug:

i found it to be easy since i was a single dad with full custody since she was young

already talking about wiping and hygiene, periods, bras etc etc just kinda leads up to it

weird yes a little lol but it had to be done
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

Good grief, we're talking about teenagers here. Technically speaking that's 13 up. They're not going to expire or be ruined if they don't have sex until they're adults. It's not a glass cage. In fact, at least in my daughter's generation (she's near 40 now), she and a lot of her friends used their father's evil eye at the boys as a shield. This fellows daughter has no such shield - it's all on her shoulders and we know what tremendous pressure kids feel at that age over just about everything. She's been thrown to the wolves with the promise that he'll be there to bandage the wounds, but refuses to be there to fight off the wolves in the first place. Yeah, that'll make a teenage girl feel protected, safe.

no. it's her choice
she came to me looking for advice
she had taken the virginity pledge in high school; it was all the rage at the time
but by her asking i knew she was looking for a way to break her vow. one she had taken when she had not reached an age to decide. now she had reached that age
and i let her know that only she knew when the time was right

but what a double standard
i gave my son condoms
we had the talk
and we talked about how to please a woman, and the benefits of doing so
and how 'no' means 'no'
a very different message to him when compared to my daughter. there was no way we could - correction, i could - have a similar discussion with her
one of the benefits of having a wonderful wife, to cover what i could not
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

Good grief, we're talking about teenagers here. Technically speaking that's 13 up. They're not going to expire or be ruined if they don't have sex until they're adults. It's not a glass cage. In fact, at least in my daughter's generation (she's near 40 now), she and a lot of her friends used their father's evil eye at the boys as a shield. This fellows daughter has no such shield - it's all on her shoulders and we know what tremendous pressure kids feel at that age over just about everything. She's been thrown to the wolves with the promise that he'll be there to bandage the wounds, but refuses to be there to fight off the wolves in the first place. Yeah, that'll make a teenage girl feel protected, safe.

I think you're sort of missing the point. He's not saying that he isn't at all protective, but that he is putting her in charge of her own body and her own sexuality. He's pointing out how teaching a girl she isn't capable of making choices about her own body, and putting man in charge of that affects her down the road, where she may let other men make that decision for her. I think he makes valid points.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

I had to, im a single dad with full custody :shrug:

i found it to be easy since i was a single dad with full custody since she was young

already talking about wiping and hygiene, periods, bras etc etc just kinda leads up to it

weird yes a little lol but it had to be done

I was in the same boat. That first trip to the store to buy pads will be something I'll never forget. Way too much variety to choose from for this average male. Ending up buying one of each and came home with bags full. Got the evil eye from my daughter and a shake of the head for my troubles. :mrgreen:
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

I think you're sort of missing the point. He's not saying that he isn't at all protective, but that he is putting her in charge of her own body and her own sexuality. He's pointing out how teaching a girl she isn't capable of making choices about her own body, and putting man in charge of that affects her down the road, where she may let other men make that decision for her. I think he makes valid points.

All that sounds nice, but in practice he's advocating putting someone in charge of something they haven't the slightest clue about managing (or protecting) yet.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

no. it's her choice
she came to me looking for advice
she had taken the virginity pledge in high school; it was all the rage at the time
but by her asking i knew she was looking for a way to break her vow. one she had taken when she had not reached an age to decide. now she had reached that age
and i let her know that only she knew when the time was right

but what a double standard
i gave my son condoms
we had the talk
and we talked about how to please a woman, and the benefits of doing so
and how 'no' means 'no'
a very different message to him when compared to my daughter. there was no way we could - correction, i could - have a similar discussion with her
one of the benefits of having a wonderful wife, to cover what i could not

My daughter took that pledge (for herself, she's not a joiner). I told her it's not something you need to save and you don't wear out the equipment by using it, but it was her choice to make with a clear head IF she, and not some outside or internal pressure is making the choice for her.

In the end she decided to wait until marriage.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

All that sounds nice, but in practice he's advocating putting someone in charge of something they haven't the slightest clue about managing (or protecting) yet.

Well that's where dad educates her about all of those things and keeps an open line of non-judgmental communication open so she feels free and even compelled to come to him with questions, concerns and uncertainties.

I mean think about it, since you've raised children... What is the best way to teach a kid to manage and protect money? Lock it away in a savings account for them until they are what you think is old enough to spend it? or Give them a little money and a little space and let them learn the ropes by making a few mistakes here and there? [Just replace money with education* LOTS of education and space with trust] You'd be surprised what kids are capable of when we give them firm, reasonable boundaries and the freedom to test the boundaries and make mistakes.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

Well that's where dad educates her about all of those things and keeps an open line of non-judgmental communication open so she feels free and even compelled to come to him with questions, concerns and uncertainties.

I mean think about it, since you've raised children... What is the best way to teach a kid to manage and protect money? Lock it away in a savings account for them until they are what you think is old enough to spend it? or Give them a little money and a little space and let them learn the ropes by making a few mistakes here and there? [Just replace money with education* LOTS of education and space with trust] You'd be surprised what kids are capable of when we give them firm, reasonable boundaries and the freedom to test the boundaries and make mistakes.

Problem is they are not analogous, there isn't a way to give them a little sex and see how they manage it.

We all know the "sex talk" is not a one time event but happens gradually over a span of years. Just as the turning over of control over one's actions. Gradually, over time and the level of demonstrated judgement teens gain full custody over their bodies and the actions they take upon those bodies. It's part of a continuum.

Does anyone seriously think that showing the new boyfriends your baseball bat is going to prevent your daughter from having sex with the little turd if she really wants to? Of course it won't. BUT, it will make her think twice, and perhaps trigger the forming judgement portion of her brain AND it may keep the new boy toy from using pressure tactics.

If they don't think they can come to you for understanding and comfort, there's more than just the body ownership/sex talk already on the table.
 
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Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

You'd be surprised what kids are capable of when we give them firm, reasonable boundaries and the freedom to test the boundaries and make mistakes.

Frankly, the mistakes with sexuality have much farther-reaching implications and serious problems, than making mistakes with money, at a young age. I wholeheartedly agree that much education is an excellent idea, but giving too much latitude for mistakes can be a real problem. I would reinforce (within my teaching) that mistakes can be very costly, and that the kid would be smart to avoid them.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

Problem is they are not analogous, there isn't a way to give them a little sex and see how they manage it.

We all know the "sex talk" is not a one time event but happens gradually over a span of years. Just as the turning over of control over one's actions. Gradually, over time and the level of demonstrated judgement teens gain full custody over their bodies and the actions they take upon those bodies. It's part of a continuum.

Holding hands, going to the movies, making out, those are equivalent to "a little sex." Encouraging her to stay open, and come with questions and concerns goes a long way into helping her decide on her own that she's not interested in sex until she's ready and ready being mature and responsible, and also goes to help her say no when she knows she's not ready. I'm not sure how you conflate refusing to put the onus on the boy not to try to get handsy with your girl [instead teaching your girl how to make wise decisions] with encouraging her to go out and have sex at 13?

Both of my daughters waited a long while past their peers before having sex (I'm pretty sure the younger one who will graduate next spring is still a virgin) and came to me with questions and concerns about sex, whether they were ready and how to know. They're both open with me and have made a some mistakes in judgment but overall wise choices. As parents, what more can we ask for? I find outright prohibiting things only drives them to want to do it more. When you're open and honest, kids listen to themselves and you.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

Frankly, the mistakes with sexuality have much farther-reaching implications and serious problems, than making mistakes with money, at a young age. I wholeheartedly agree that much education is an excellent idea, but giving too much latitude for mistakes can be a real problem. I would reinforce (within my teaching) that mistakes can be very costly, and that the kid would be smart to avoid them.


I'm not advocating sending your kid out with no guidelines or ideas about what can happen. I'm talking about letting them know the consequences [the honest ones, not overblown stuff], how to make good decisions and then keeping the line open for questions and concerns.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

Holding hands, going to the movies, making out, those are equivalent to "a little sex." Encouraging her to stay open, and come with questions and concerns goes a long way into helping her decide on her own that she's not interested in sex until she's ready and ready being mature and responsible, and also goes to help her say no when she knows she's not ready. I'm not sure how you conflate refusing to put the onus on the boy not to try to get handsy with your girl [instead teaching your girl how to make wise decisions] with encouraging her to go out and have sex at 13?

Both of my daughters waited a long while past their peers before having sex (I'm pretty sure the younger one who will graduate next spring is still a virgin) and came to me with questions and concerns about sex, whether they were ready and how to know. They're both open with me and have made a some mistakes in judgment but overall wise choices. As parents, what more can we ask for? I find outright prohibiting things only drives them to want to do it more. When you're open and honest, kids listen to themselves and you.

Heh, spoken like a good mother, but that isn't what the thread is about. With the possible exception for the single fathers cases, girls generally tend to feel more comfortable discussing "am I ready" with Mom. But when it comes down to it, when they want protection, they come to Dad.

I'm not conflating anything. I'm saying a girl whose father gives the boy the traditional speech allows the girl more freedom. Teen boys are, like it or not, typically the aggressors where it comes to initiating sex. And let me tell you, between their peers at that age and what they see in the media, they do their best to become master manipulators. Again, if she really, really wants to have sex with the boy, she's going to no matter what the Dad says. But if she's not sure or doesn't, her father's old school speech becomes a shield she can rely upon.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

Heh, spoken like a good mother, but that isn't what the thread is about. With the possible exception for the single fathers cases, girls generally tend to feel more comfortable discussing "am I ready" with Mom. But when it comes down to it, when they want protection, they come to Dad.

I'm not conflating anything. I'm saying a girl whose father gives the boy the traditional speech allows the girl more freedom. Teen boys are, like it or not, typically the aggressors where it comes to initiating sex. And let me tell you, between their peers at that age and what they see in the media, they do their best to become master manipulators. Again, if she really, really wants to have sex with the boy, she's going to no matter what the Dad says. But if she's not sure or doesn't, her father's old school speech becomes a shield she can rely upon.

Maybe, I'm not a dad. What I do know is that dads can be a good go-to as well, and I think that the author of the article makes some good suggestions. I guess what I meant but didn't communicate so well is that the "dad will kill you" sort of gender role, IMO, sort of encourages that idea that men and boys cannot control themselves and don't make good decisions or can't and that girls are delicate flowers that cannot make good decisions for themselves. I think that further contributes to the weird gender dynamic we're trying to move away from where the women are "gatekeepers" of sex and where sex is a commodity. I think it actually excuses boys/men as sexual aggressors because "boys will be boys" and actually creates an atmosphere where women are taught from an early age to pretend they're not interested in sex, hide their feelings and teaches boys to be manipulators. I realize it's probably a little idealistic, but I would like to see a move towards boys and girls [leading to men and women] taking equal responsibility and roles in making sure they are educated about sex and its pitfalls and learn to make good, solid decisions, and respect each other.

Of course this means boys need more talking to as well, learning what consent really means, how to respect their partners and expectations that they control themselves. I think we sell boys and men short when we perpetuate this idea that they are supposed to always want sex, that their status with their peers hinges on their sexual prowess and when we teach them that girls and women "gatekeep" and that it is the girl's responsibility to resist and keep their virginity at all costs.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

I'm not conflating anything. I'm saying a girl whose father gives the boy the traditional speech allows the girl more freedom. Teen boys are, like it or not, typically the aggressors where it comes to initiating sex. And let me tell you, between their peers at that age and what they see in the media, they do their best to become master manipulators. Again, if she really, really wants to have sex with the boy, she's going to no matter what the Dad says. But if she's not sure or doesn't, her father's old school speech becomes a shield she can rely upon.

That is delusional wishful thinking on your part. All you do with that bull**** is humiliate your daughter and make the boyfriend laugh at you behind your back. I'm sure you want to believe that teenaged males live in fear of you, but you really inspire nothing but mockery. They are obviously empty threats, and even if they weren't some pudgy middle aged dad is no position to fight someone half his age. You want to protect your daughter, give her the confidence to resist being pressured and maybe some self defense training while you are at it.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

That is delusional wishful thinking on your part. All you do with that bull**** is humiliate your daughter and make the boyfriend laugh at you behind your back. I'm sure you want to believe that teenaged males live in fear of you, but you really inspire nothing but mockery. They are obviously empty threats, and even if they weren't some pudgy middle aged dad is no position to fight someone half his age. You want to protect your daughter, give her the confidence to resist being pressured and maybe some self defense training while you are at it.

You have just demonstrated you have no clue what you're talking about. Get back to us after you've successfully raised a daughter to adulthood and a family of her own. I've save the crow, you can eat it then.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

My dad didn't. I saw this article in my newsfeed this morning on FB and thought that it's a great attitude that this dad has. My favorite quote from the article:

Thoughts?

My dad had a very tough gig. He raised me as a single parent, starting around the onset of puberty. Suck, right?

He did want to prepare me, and he didn't see himself as the lord of my sexuality, which I profoundly appreciate.

But it was hard because my dad is a little stoic, he was doing it alone, and I was kind of unsure whether I could actually go to him about "lady stuff," let alone sex. I could, and I gradually learned that through my teens, but it remained sort of difficult for me.

My dad did talk to me a couple times when I was younger -- before there was any possibility that I was having sex. And I think that's the right approach. Why wait until you've possibly missed the chance to educate them BEFORE they mess up?

But a large part of my at-home sexual education was books he got me. He's a book geek, so it was medium that seemed easier for him. And being raised by a book geek, it was also well-received by me, and I did actually read them. And it also inspired me to look stuff up online as I got older and thought about sex more.

By the time I got to high school, it was obvious I had a HUGE leg up on my peers as far as being sexually educated, even though my own education wasn't extremely exhaustive. I became sort of a "Miss Sex Ed" that people came to because the school taught us nothing, and for the most part, neither did their parents.

The watershed moment came when I actually decided to start having sex. My boyfriend-at-the-time and I had talked a lot about contraception beforehand. Due to the hours the clinic kept, it would have been really difficult for us to go. The most feasible way to make it happen... was for my dad to take me.

So I mustered my courage, went into his room, and asked him if he would take me to the clinic for BC. He blinked, stupefied for a moment, and then said "Yeah, of course." And then, in his stoic way, went back to what he was doing.

My dad has never been the most expressive guy in the world, but his acceptance of that, and his relief that I actually thought to do it before I actually had sex, meant a lot to me.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

Heh, spoken like a good mother, but that isn't what the thread is about. With the possible exception for the single fathers cases, girls generally tend to feel more comfortable discussing "am I ready" with Mom. But when it comes down to it, when they want protection, they come to Dad.

I'm not conflating anything. I'm saying a girl whose father gives the boy the traditional speech allows the girl more freedom. Teen boys are, like it or not, typically the aggressors where it comes to initiating sex. And let me tell you, between their peers at that age and what they see in the media, they do their best to become master manipulators. Again, if she really, really wants to have sex with the boy, she's going to no matter what the Dad says. But if she's not sure or doesn't, her father's old school speech becomes a shield she can rely upon.

How about just instilling ones daughter with enough self-esteem to date guys who will not pressure her? Worked pretty well for me.

Yeah, teen guys want sex. So do teen girls. But a LOT of teen boys are really, really concerned with being too pressuring. At least, that's my own experience, as a teen girl who had enough self-esteem to date decent guys.

None of my boyfriends ever got "the talk." And frankly, I find "the talk" a little insulting. Fathers are not the owners of their daughters' sexuality.

Besides that, any child who has a good relationship with their parent should KNOW that they can go to them for protection, even if he doesn't give them a threatening speech before they go out. Being threatening is not necessary to being a good protector.
 
Re: How do dads talk to daughters about the birds and the bees? Do they talk to daugh

How about just instilling ones daughter with enough self-esteem to date guys who will not pressure her? Worked pretty well for me.

Yeah, teen guys want sex. So do teen girls. But a LOT of teen boys are really, really concerned with being too pressuring. At least, that's my own experience, as a teen girl who had enough self-esteem to date decent guys.

None of my boyfriends ever got "the talk." And frankly, I find "the talk" a little insulting. Fathers are not the owners of their daughters' sexuality.

Besides that, any child who has a good relationship with their parent should KNOW that they can go to them for protection, even if he doesn't give them a threatening speech before they go out. Being threatening is not necessary to being a good protector.

Totally agree, on all points. My dad also had a very open and honest discussion with me about sex and the guys who often pressure girls to have it when I was about 14, when I started talking about guys more often. He warned me about the dangers (unwanted pregnancy and STD's, to be specific) of giving in to demands from guys to have sex, and why it was not a good idea to have sex at any time while in high school.

Because he took the time and made the effort to talk with me as a PERSON, not just as a "girl," I got the self-esteem and confidence to tell any guy who tried pressuring me for sex while I was in high school to forget it. There were two high school boyfriends who tried the pressuring tactics on me and failed miserably. I DUMPED both of them, with no regrets. Thanks to my dad's honest discussions with me, I made a simple rule for myself; "if he pressures you for sex, DUMP HIM." So I never had to deal with the miserable outcomes of unwanted pregnancy (and possible teen motherhood) or STD's while in high school or at any other time after high school either.

I think fathers who respect their daughters as people as well as women are far less likely to believe they "own" their daughters' sexuality. They give their daughters the confidence and skill to make their own life choices. I'm very glad that MY father (and yours too) was one of them.
 
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