Just fought over money

KevinKohler · Aug 25, 2015

Me and the wife just had a blow out over finances. Not saying we never fight, cuz we do, but this was different. This one was bad. I broke a chair from slamming it on the floor, and she started pulling her hair...like, actually pulling her hair out. I've had a few to drink, else I likely would not be sharing this.

So here's the deal. After my bonus, we had 8 grand in the checking account. I spent a good chunk of this here and there...650 for wood, paint, concrete, etc, for a new, larger, better front porch, which I built. Another 200 for more concrete and wood to make repairs and replace sections of our privacy fence. 70 bucks for a new alignment on the vette. 200 for pool supplies, for out new pool in the back yard. All in, I spent less than 3 grand on project sorta stuff. Now, we make more per month, than our monthly bills, though not by a lot, due to us buying her a new car. In short, despite my new promotion last year, and increased pay, money is still tight. And I have lived that way. Aside from projects (that we both approve), I spend NO money on myself. I buy 3 things. Groceries, gas, and beer. And for the beer, we're talking less than 8 bucks per week, average. I drink something nice every couple weeks or so. Which she guilt trips me over, and I take it, because it IS an excise good. It's a splurge.

She is in charge of our bills and such. Pretty much, I never look at our account. I go to work, I earn money, I come home, I go to bed, I get up, I do it again. Repeat. Except, I DID look at my account today, because I got an offer on my corvette, and I wanted to see what disposable income I had to play with for a new car.

And the number was......1,600. So, from March, till now, we went down by just under 7 grand, 3 grand of which is accounted for, and we have something to show for it (pool, deck, fence, etc). The other 4 grand? Gone, like a puff of smoke. And in addition, our one and only credit card has a balance of 1,500 on it, which got me peeved. So we both yelled, I sat down, went through our account online for the last year, line by line, and lo and behold, Dunkin Donuts, McDonalds, 20 dollar withdraws here and there, etc etc etc. Some of it was legit, yes. Kids needed some new clothes, as did I. But 4 thousand dollars, gone, and with nothing to show for it, and a completely clueless attitude towards our outstanding credit card debt. I was FURIOUS. I still am. I can't calm down.

This was never a problem before. I don't understand it. I can't figure it out. I have gotten from her her passwords to our online account, and all other info, and have taken over the bills. I have half a mind to take away her debit card, and credit card. Am I over bearing? I just can't believe this, and I still have no explanation as to why all of a sudden this has happened? I just don't understand...Help?

Sykes · Aug 25, 2015

I'd be pissed. Maybe a financial counselor is in order?

And why was she pulling her hair out. Sounds like she needs counseling, period. And sounds kinda manipulative to me, like she's acting like she's losing her damn mind to close down the fight.

VanceMack · Aug 25, 2015

Stop. Just stop. Breathe. Go buy her a flower or two. Apologize for losing your cool and being irrational. Tell her you love her. Go look at the sunset. Tomorrow...go to work. Leave her a note and tell her how much you love her and appreciate her and that this is all going to be fine. Be nice. Heal. Make an appointment to go to dinner someplace cheap, relatively quiet, and public so you will be certain to keep a civil tongue. Then discuss what your goals are together financially. Agree to sit down and make out a real live honest to goodness budget. One person in charge of paying the bills but no one person in charge of the decisions. Agree to a set monthly 'allowance'. Someone wants to go to Dunkin Donuts or buy music or get their nails done? Happy days. Sit down monthly and review your budget. Make long term plans, especially with a vision towards savings, vacations, etc.

It doesnt matter if your indignation is righteous. It doesnt matter if you feel 'wronged'. This is today. Its a blip on the radar screen of life. You didnt get here by accident. You wont go forward making reckless, careless, or angry decisions.

Tell her you are sorry. Tell her you love her. Assure her its all going to be fine. Do things differently. Do them better.

KevinKohler · Aug 25, 2015

Sykes said:
I'd be pissed. Maybe a financial counselor is in order?

And why was she pulling her hair out. Sounds like she needs counseling, period. And sounds kinda manipulative to me, like she's acting like she's losing her damn mind to close down the fight.

Well, OK, that needs to be expounded upon...She was pulling her hair out because I was beligerantly questioning on every little detail from march. I mean, yes, we BOTH could probably have handled that better...It went into a LOT of different things...she was upset about work, from her job, which I was then not very supportive of, the kids were in the other room, basically just a bad situation all around. I don't want to paint a bad picture, I don't think my wife is manipulative at all, if anything, she is a bit naive. She's the one that will actually LISTEN to telemarketers and tell them no, she's not interested, instead of just hanging up on their ear, like I do. She was pulling her hair because I started talking to her like a child while explaining the nature of credit card debt, and the importance of paying the card of COMPLETELY every month. She was also worried that once I took over, I WOULD pay off that debt right away, leaving us with only a couple bucks to rub together, and nothing at all in case we get doctor bills and what not. Which I then yelled at her about....which caused her to get upset. Basically, neither she nor I are "innocent" in this story....I was bad. As was she.

JumpinJack · Aug 25, 2015

KevinKohler said:
Me and the wife just had a blow out over finances. Not saying we never fight, cuz we do, but this was different. This one was bad. I broke a chair from slamming it on the floor, and she started pulling her hair...like, actually pulling her hair out. I've had a few to drink, else I likely would not be sharing this.

***

I'm a woman and sensitive to the "controlling man" thing, but in this case, you are right.

Please get hold of those expenses and spendthrift things before you find yourself in a world of debt. This happened to my brother. His wife got in trouble with the money, started spending a lot (she controlled the finances), then started gambling. Then she quit making the house payments and hiding that fact. By the time he found htis out, there was a lot of money missing, and they had late fees for the mortgage, and their credit was seriously lowered.

There is NO REASON for your hard earned money to just disappear on silly nonessential stuff. No reason.

Question: Does she work? If not, SHE NEEDS TO WORK. Sounds like you both need the money.

Recommendaiton for the future: When you're pinching pennies, sometimes a person needs to splurge on a little something. Like your booze. I recommend giving her a lump sum (like $300) to blow however she wants. No questions asked. The rest is under lock and key.

Financial irresponsibility is one of the main reasons for divorce. Nip this in the bud.

On the subject of money, I would like to add that for two people who are watching pennies, I am shocked that your wife has a new car, and you are thinking of getting a new car, as well. A gently used Toyota or Honda would be great for being economical. Does she plan on keeping that car for 15 years (I hope)? Your Corvette? An expensive car to maintain. Is that why you're selling it?
When you get a new car, are you planning on buying a used one, or alternatively, a new one that you intend to keep for 15 years? That will go a long way toward saving money.

I have married couple friends who keep their money separate. I find that odd, but it seems to work for them. Maybe something happened in the past regarding money with them. But whatever the reason, the other spouse can't touch one spouse's money since it's in a separate account. Something to consider.

Are you guys paying off your credit card every month? I hope so. My dad always said that if you can't pay for something, that means you can't afford it. Period. Pay off the credit card and never buy anything unless you have the money at the time of purchase. Then you can charge it for convenience only, or to get a cash back reward. But you ALWAYS pay it off when the bill comes in. My sister got in trouble with credit card debt. It's the worst kind of debt to have. NEVER carry credit card debt. If your wife can't abide by that rule, you have a problem. (I don't think you have a legal right to take her credit card from her, unless it's your card.)

I wonder what others think? It'll be interesting to see.

KevinKohler · Aug 25, 2015

VanceMack said:
Stop. Just stop. Breathe. Go buy her a flower or two. Apologize for losing your cool and being irrational. Tell her you love her. Go look at the sunset. Tomorrow...go to work. Leave her a note and tell her how much you love her and appreciate her and that this is all going to be fine. Be nice. Heal. Make an appointment to go to dinner someplace cheap, relatively quiet, and public so you will be certain to keep a civil tongue. Then discuss what your goals are together financially. Agree to sit down and make out a real live honest to goodness budget. One person in charge of paying the bills but no one person in charge of the decisions. Agree to a set monthly 'allowance'. Someone wants to go to Dunkin Donuts or buy music or get their nails done? Happy days. Sit down monthly and review your budget. Make long term plans, especially with a vision towards savings, vacations, etc.

It doesnt matter if your indignation is righteous. It doesnt matter if you feel 'wronged'. This is today. Its a blip on the radar screen of life. You didnt get here by accident. You wont go forward making reckless, careless, or angry decisions.

Tell her you are sorry. Tell her you love her. Assure her its all going to be fine. Do things differently. Do them better.

Well....minus the going out to eat (no longer in the budget...this is CT, even Dennies with 2 kids will yield a 70 dollar check), we kinda already did that. A piece of advice my mom gave me (the ONLY advice, now that I think on it) was "Don't go to bed angry". Well, she is in bed, and we made up prior. I apologized, as did she, we made up, as far as I know, we are back on good ground.

We don't yet have a plan, but I'm thinking of one.

It's just, what's got me vexed is, I can't understand why this has happened. You gotta understand, prior to my promotion, we went for 3 years making **** money. Like, 60K for the both of us combined, and with student loans, and in the state of CT, which is VERY expensive. And we did OK. WE provided for our kids, I was able to have about my same 10 dollar a week "fun" budget, and she the same, plus our savings, etc. And then, all of a sudden, bam. 40-60 dollars a week on useless ****! And kept SECRET?

I can't understand it. She is not one to do this. This is as if Abraham Lincoln all of a sudden decided to fly the rebel flag.

brothern · Aug 25, 2015

KevinKohler said:
I broke a chair from slamming it on the floor...

Well, never do that. That's freaking terrifying.

KevinKohler said:
This was never a problem before. I don't understand it. I can't figure it out. I have gotten from her her passwords to our online account, and all other info, and have taken over the bills. I have half a mind to take away her debit card, and credit card. Am I over bearing? I just can't believe this, and I still have no explanation as to why all of a sudden this has happened? I just don't understand...Help?

For me, that's over-bearing and way too controlling.

If it's such a large problem, I'd suggest splitting your finances. Have a yours, hers and a household account. You'd either have a scheme where you're both contributing from your accounts into the household account; or the reverse where your incomes are put into the household account and the stipends are withdrawn from it.

Essentially work with your wife to come to an agreeable X% that goes to the bills, home mortgage, retirement, etc. The remainder is split between you two. That can be 50/50 or a percentage based on some other factor. You're both free to spend your own pot as you wish, without the other one looking over your shoulder and critiquing your buying habits.

Gathomas88 · Aug 25, 2015

Does she drive the kids around a lot, getting them to practices, lessons, and ecta? That likely accounts for most of it right there.

Sometimes, fast food is simply the more convenient option when you're juggling a hundred different things at the same time. Given that you've started making more money recently, she might not have viewed it as being a particularly big deal to break her usual discipline a little bit in this regard.

KevinKohler · Aug 25, 2015

JumpinJack;1064963305]I'm a woman and sensitive to the "controlling man" thing, but in this case, you are right.

Please get hold of those expenses and spendthrift things before you find yourself in a world of debt. This happened to my brother. His wife got in trouble with the money, started spending a lot (she controlled the finances), then started gambling. Then she quit making the house payments and hiding that fact. By the time he found htis out, there was a lot of money missing, and they had late fees for the mortgage, and their credit was seriously lowered.

See, I don't think that would ever happen. My wife would never gamble away our money. I think a LOT of it has to do with disagreements with what we consider to be essential. McDonalds, while fun for the kids, is not essential. A new back pack every year of schoo, while making my daughter excited, is not essential. Like, we are not in DIRE straights, I just...had some high hopes for the money I THOUGHT we had.

There is NO REASON for your hard earned money to just disappear on silly nonessential stuff. No reason.

Question: Does she work? If not, SHE NEEDS TO WORK. Sounds like you both need the money.

Yes, she works, and HARD, too. We both work retail, though I have managed to claw my way up the corporate ladder faster than she.

Recommendaiton for the future: When you're pinching pennies, sometimes a person needs to splurge on a little something. Like your booze. I recommend giving her a lump sum (like $300) to blow however she wants. No questions asked. The rest is under lock and key.

Do you mean 300 for the year?

Financial irresponsibility is one of the main reasons for divorce. Nip this in the bud.

Which is what I have heard. 6 years of marriage, and this has NEVER once been a problem, and now it is. Hence my post here, to people with no small amount of experience.

On the subject of money, I would like to add that for two people who are watching pennies, I am shocked that your wife has a new car, and you are thinking of getting a new car, as well. A gently used Toyota or Honda would be great for being economical. Does she plan on keeping that car for 15 years (I hope)? Your Corvette? An expensive car to maintain. Is that why you're selling it?
When you get a new car, are you planning on buying a used one, or alternatively, a new one that you intend to keep for 15 years? That will go a long way toward saving money.

Well, I mean, money is only sorta tight because of our expenses. I mean, I don't want to be crass, and I am told posting ones earnings is, but I guess I just don't care...lol? Between the two of us, we now make 130K per year. We got a new subaru, because we both owned civics, me a 4 door, and her, a 2 door...and honestly, I LOVE those cars, but they are just not what we need. 2 kids, and a house requires something with some carrying capacity. I am in the process of selling her civic, which in my BONES I know is a mistake, because that car is likely going to outlive the new subaru, my vette, and my neighbors new dodge, combined. But we've no room in the driveway for it, nor room on our insurance. The Vette IS expensive to maintain, especialy for what I do with it, which is why I'm selling it, and using the proceeds to buy a newer model. I plan for her to keep that subaru till the wheels fall off. I am VERY utilitarian. If it works, keep it. That sorta thing. Only reason why I am going for a newer used vette is because for the cost, it's a win/win. Fast, RELIABLE, and relatively CHEAP TO OWN. Frankly, this was HER idea, lol. Because she and I both know that to "finish" the car, as I want it done, will cost around 30K, in the long run. Where as, buying a newer corvette, and then mildly modifying it...I could have a "finished" car for a grand total of 15K, give a take a thousand. I know that seems crazy, but that's my hobby, that's what I'm into. Racing.

I have married couple friends who keep their money separate. I find that odd, but it seems to work for them. Maybe something happened in the past regarding money with them. But whatever the reason, the other spouse can't touch one spouse's money since it's in a separate account. Something to consider.

I have been thinking about that...I kinda consider that the nuclear option. But...if I have to go that rout, I almost consider our marriage to be over. If I can't trust my wife with money, what CAN I trust her with?

KevinKohler · Aug 25, 2015

What the hell....that post just got buchered....

Maybe I have had too many...? Sorry Jumpin Jack......I HAD a really good reply.....but it seems I may not be doing this correctly?

KevinKohler · Aug 25, 2015

brothern said:
Well, never do that. That's freaking terrifying.

For me, that's over-bearing and way too controlling.

If it's such a large problem, I'd suggest splitting your finances. Have a yours, hers and a household account. You'd either have a scheme where you're both contributing from your accounts into the household account; or the reverse where your incomes are put into the household account and the stipends are withdrawn from it.

Essentially work with your wife to come to an agreeable X% that goes to the bills, home mortgage, retirement, etc. The remainder is split between you two. That can be 50/50 or a percentage based on some other factor. You're both free to spend your own pot as you wish, without the other one looking over your shoulder and critiquing your buying habits.

As of bed time tonight, we have come to this...

Credit is only for NEEDED things (we get 2% back on it, but it's harder to track what is spent), like groceries, gas, and...that's about its. Debit for everything else. And we have to get permission for excise spending, like beer, fastfood, etc. So, if I wanna get beer, I have to ask her permission, if she wants to get Dunkin, she has to ask permission....

KevinKohler · Aug 25, 2015

Gathomas88 said:
Does she drive the kids around a lot, getting them to practices, lessons, and ecta? That likely accounts for most of it right there.

Sometimes, fast food is simply the more convenient option when you're juggling a hundred different things at the same time. Given that you've started making more money recently, she might not have viewed it as being a particularly big deal to break her usual discipline a little bit in this regard.

I have considered that, truly. We split the rounds 50/50. I work more hours, but I made a vow to myself that this was NOT going to casue me to miss out on my daughter and my sons childhoods. She take her to soccer practice, while I do the game. Isaac is only just now 4, so he does not have any real activities...but we spend an equal number of days off together...that is, days where I am off work, and he is off daycare/preschool. It's just that, apparently, she feels that those days call for some fast food, while I give them PB and J, or chicken nuggets, and a trip to the local park.

Chagos · Aug 25, 2015

Seeing how the atmosphere has cleared a bit now, it's time you both sat down and rationally analyzed the situation and then make a plan. To be, in future, jointly executed and just as jointly monitored. Bank account balances can be checked daily online as can C-cards or debit cards balances.

It isn't about anyone distrusting the other and that should be the clear work basis for both as of now.

The money is gone. You don't know to where or, better said, why and maybe your wife can't re-construct either passage or reason any more either. So book that under experience. It's something to be remembered (by both of you) but not something to keep seething over any longer.

As for buying flowers and all that crap, you've both already apologized? for your contribution of the way things went South today.

That should be enough. The main issue is to avoid repetition. Of course of such altercations but far more importantly of the development that led to it. Nip it in the bud, both of you, before it becomes common practice.

And if things have to be given up, maybe think of your contribution towards doing without. It's not a question of how little your part adds to the overall bill (or how largely hers), it's about giving up on things (at least for the time necessary) that one deems important to oneself. Where often largely symbolic it's still a sign of solidarity that'll make for cooperation.

Good advice on not going to bed on an argument. I never do it now. Also I never have a debate and drink. Not even afterwards.

And you can darn well pay for that chair you broke yourself

Gathomas88 · Aug 25, 2015

KevinKohler said:
I have considered that, truly. We split the rounds 50/50. I work more hours, but I made a vow to myself that this was NOT going to casue me to miss out on my daughter and my sons childhoods. She take her to soccer practice, while I do the game. Isaac is only just now 4, so he does not have any real activities...but we spend an equal number of days off together...that is, days where I am off work, and he is off daycare/preschool. It's just that, apparently, she feels that those days call for some fast food, while I give them PB and J, or chicken nuggets, and a trip to the local park.

Yeah. It's ultimately up to you guys what you work out, but I'd try and reach a compromise of some sort. Give her a budget for the eating out, and try to make a meal plan so it isn't necessary in the first place.

Your call, of course, but it's an idea. :shrug:

KevinKohler · Aug 25, 2015

Chagos said:
Seeing how the atmosphere has cleared a bit now, it's time you both sat down and rationally analyzed the situation and then make a plan. To be, in future, jointly executed and just as jointly monitored. Bank account balances can be checked daily online as can C-cards or debit cards balances.

It isn't about anyone distrusting the other and that should be the clear work basis for both as of now.

The money is gone. You don't know to where or, better said, why and maybe your wife can't re-construct either passage or reason any more either. So book that under experience. It's something to be remembered (by both of you) but not something to keep seething over any longer.

As for buying flowers and all that crap, you've both already apologized? for your contribution of the way things went South today.

That should be enough. The main issue is to avoid repetition. Of course of such altercations but far more importantly of the development that led to it. Nip it in the bud, both of you, before it becomes common practice.

And if things have to be given up, maybe think of your contribution towards doing without. It's not a question of how little your part adds to the overall bill (or how largely hers), it's about giving up on things (at least for the time necessary) that one deems important to oneself. Where often largely symbolic it's still a sign of solidarity that'll make for cooperation.

Good advice on not going to bed on an argument. I never do it now. Also I never have a debate and drink. Not even afterwards.

And you can darn well pay for that chair you broke yourself

Thanks for the post.

I fixed the legs of that chair with gorilla glue.

Honestly, that stuff is amazing!

Chagos · Aug 25, 2015

KevinKohler said:
Thanks for the post.

I fixed the legs of that chair with gorilla glue.

Honestly, that stuff is amazing!

Put some on the seat and then sit on it next time you become loaded for bear.

Not to preclude a good brawl but to keep the chair safer :mrgreen:

KevinKohler · Aug 25, 2015

Chagos said:
Put some on the seat and then sit on it next time you become loaded for bear.

Not to preclude a good brawl but to keep the chair safer :mrgreen:

Well, I busted it sober. The beer came WELL after the fight. I never do ANYTHING of import with any amount of booze involved. Aside from here. This was after work, "Hey, let me check my account, I had an offer on my vette yesterday" random thing...it is only because I happen to not work tomorrow that I gave in to beer...

VanceMack · Aug 25, 2015

KevinKohler said:
Well....minus the going out to eat (no longer in the budget...this is CT, even Dennies with 2 kids will yield a 70 dollar check), we kinda already did that. A piece of advice my mom gave me (the ONLY advice, now that I think on it) was "Don't go to bed angry". Well, she is in bed, and we made up prior. I apologized, as did she, we made up, as far as I know, we are back on good ground.

We don't yet have a plan, but I'm thinking of one.

It's just, what's got me vexed is, I can't understand why this has happened. You gotta understand, prior to my promotion, we went for 3 years making **** money. Like, 60K for the both of us combined, and with student loans, and in the state of CT, which is VERY expensive. And we did OK. WE provided for our kids, I was able to have about my same 10 dollar a week "fun" budget, and she the same, plus our savings, etc. And then, all of a sudden, bam. 40-60 dollars a week on useless ****! And kept SECRET?

I can't understand it. She is not one to do this. This is as if Abraham Lincoln all of a sudden decided to fly the rebel flag.

Usually its small things that dont get fixed that take people down weird roads. I hope you guys get it figured out. I'll have good thoughts for you.

Chagos · Aug 25, 2015

KevinKohler said:
Well, I busted it sober. The beer came WELL after the fight. I never do ANYTHING of import with any amount of booze involved. Aside from here. This was after work, "Hey, let me check my account, I had an offer on my vette yesterday" random thing...it is only because I happen to not work tomorrow that I gave in to beer...

Heck, I wasn't even remotely insinuating that you were BUI (brawling under influence).

I'm pretty sure I'd have lost my cool for a while too.

rhinefire · Aug 25, 2015

"Love and marriage, love and marriage go together like a duck and crocodile".

JumpinJack · Aug 26, 2015

KevinKohler said:
Do you mean 300 for the year?

Click to expand...

No, I meant $300 out of any bonus you get. $300 just for her to blow on whatever she really wants, even if it's impractical. You have your booze and racing, after all. Then when and if she gets a bonus, you would get a cut out of it for your own use? But frankly, if it were me, I wouldn't blow any money (beyond $50 on new towels on sale), if I were pinching pennies. But that's me.

We got a new subaru, because we both owned civics, me a 4 door, and her, a 2 door...and honestly, I LOVE those cars, but they are just not what we need. 2 kids, and a house requires something with some carrying capacity. I am in the process of selling her civic, which in my BONES I know is a mistake, because that car is likely going to outlive the new subaru, my vette, and my neighbors new dodge, combined. But we've no room in the driveway for it, nor room on our insurance. The Vette IS expensive to maintain, especialy for what I do with it, which is why I'm selling it, and using the proceeds to buy a newer model. I plan for her to keep that subaru till the wheels fall off. I am VERY utilitarian. If it works, keep it. That sorta thing. Only reason why I am going for a newer used vette is because for the cost, it's a win/win. Fast, RELIABLE, and relatively CHEAP TO OWN. Frankly, this was HER idea, lol. Because she and I both know that to "finish" the car, as I want it done, will cost around 30K, in the long run. Where as, buying a newer corvette, and then mildly modifying it...I could have a "finished" car for a grand total of 15K, give a take a thousand. I know that seems crazy, but that's my hobby, that's what I'm into. Racing.

Click to expand...

Hmmmm. Seems like we're getting to the crux of hte argument. You have an expensive hobby. You may not think of it as pricey, but I, a true frugal person, do. No way I'd agree to my husband having a vette or any race car, while we're pinching pennies. They ARE expensive, even a newer model. And the insurance is a LOT more than for a regular car.

As for Subaru...my favorite ever car I had was a Subaru Forester. They last a looooong time and are made well. They are utilitarian and can be used for many things. I loved my Forester. I kept it for 14 years.

You guys seem to have a lot of cars, but maybe I'm misreading that. I can see why your wife was upset, if you are yelling about her spending, while you all maintain and insure several cars, are buying new cars, and you have your booze and racing hobby.

As for McDonald's..eating at McDonald's didn't use that bonus up.

KevinKohler · Aug 27, 2015

JumpinJack;1064967005]
No, I meant $300 out of any bonus you get. $300 just for her to blow on whatever she really wants, even if it's impractical. You have your booze and racing, after all. Then when and if she gets a bonus, you would get a cut out of it for your own use? But frankly, if it were me, I wouldn't blow any money (beyond $50 on new towels on sale), if I were pinching pennies. But that's me.

She gets that, it's called a 4,000 dollar disney vacation that we go on every 2-3 years or so. While she'll claim it's for the kids, she was going to disney before she ever had kids, as a 30 year older adult. Her entire family is obsessed with the place. All oder, none with kids, and they all go, every year. Her mother has a time share. Which yeah, helps...we don't have to pay for a room...but then she has to get the park hopper pass, etc etc etc. Either way, I've made peace with that...it's a battle I and my brother in law (her sisters husband) lost. To us, we'd rather go camping with the kids. But as I said, these disney trips aren't about the kids, else they would not have been going prior to having kids. Anyway, I digress.

Hmmmm. Seems like we're getting to the crux of hte argument. You have an expensive hobby. You may not think of it as pricey, but I, a true frugal person, do. No way I'd agree to my husband having a vette or any race car, while we're pinching pennies. They ARE expensive, even a newer model. And the insurance is a LOT more than for a regular car.

Insurance on my current vette is 15 dollars per month. For a C5 model, like what I'm looking at, it would be 50 dollars per month. It's all in how you register the vehicle. But I'll grant you, racing CAN be pretty expensive. Over the past 7 years, I've spent just over 10 grand. The car was 3K, and then I put another 7 into it, give or take a couple hundred. Expensive, yes. But PALES to disney, PALES to golf, PALES to sports, or any other activity I could get into. Heck, a lotta guys spend that kinda money just on VIDEO GAMES. Matter of fact, I haven't spend more than 100 dollars on the car since I got new tires for it, which was a year and a half ago. And the things that I learned from working on that car have allowed us to save money in car repairs on her and my civic. I never would have tried to do her brakes, or her exhaust, her struts, or her timing, if it hadn't been for the corvette training course. And that's thousands of dollars right there, that only costed us 300, tops. At the end of the day, I have to have something, and video games don't cut it. Driving fast does. She has never had to sacrifice for it, in fact, when my car got hit in the autozone parking lot right after I first got it, I used 1/4 of the insurance money to buy a nice, new couch/love seat combo, lol.

As for Subaru...my favorite ever car I had was a Subaru Forester. They last a looooong time and are made well. They are utilitarian and can be used for many things. I loved my Forester. I kept it for 14 years.

I hope the same holds true for ours. I'm getting tired of working on cars...

You guys seem to have a lot of cars, but maybe I'm misreading that. I can see why your wife was upset, if you are yelling about her spending, while you all maintain and insure several cars, are buying new cars, and you have your booze and racing hobby.

We do have a lot of cars. We have 4 right now. 2 need to be gotten rid of. Only the three we drive have insurance. Still trying to sell her civic, no longer selling the corvette, because buying a newer model is no longer in the cards. That will leave her forrester, my civic, and the '76.

As for McDonald's..eating at McDonald's didn't use that bonus up.

After adding it up, her duncan donuts/McD's/random 20 dollar ATM with 2 dollar fee withdrawels amounted to 2,974.28 cents. Since March. The other purchases included random bits of useless buys, like getting the kids new backpacks every year (apparently a tradition?), accessories for her phone, downloaded songs, etc, which totaled up to a hair over 1 grand. I can't account for the credit card, as it only shows the amount of the purchase, not the purchase. But that's another 1,500, and I know for a FACT that I haven't used it in a while. I don't like credit cards. For this reason.

My anger is this. If I went out and in one year, spent THAT kinda money on my car without telling her, one, I'd KNOW I was doing something very very wrong, and two, I know she would be absolutely furious with me. Furthermore, I would never just DO that, not from our checking account. I buy those things with money that I save, here and there. I work for trade, I go to swap meets.

The last two years, our bonus/tax return money has gone towards things in her realm of interest, like Disney. This year was MY turn. This year I was supposed to be the one who got to be frivolous. But not anymore.

gdgyva · Aug 27, 2015

VanceMack said:
Stop. Just stop. Breathe. Go buy her a flower or two. Apologize for losing your cool and being irrational. Tell her you love her. Go look at the sunset. Tomorrow...go to work. Leave her a note and tell her how much you love her and appreciate her and that this is all going to be fine. Be nice. Heal. Make an appointment to go to dinner someplace cheap, relatively quiet, and public so you will be certain to keep a civil tongue. Then discuss what your goals are together financially. Agree to sit down and make out a real live honest to goodness budget. One person in charge of paying the bills but no one person in charge of the decisions. Agree to a set monthly 'allowance'. Someone wants to go to Dunkin Donuts or buy music or get their nails done? Happy days. Sit down monthly and review your budget. Make long term plans, especially with a vision towards savings, vacations, etc.

It doesnt matter if your indignation is righteous. It doesnt matter if you feel 'wronged'. This is today. Its a blip on the radar screen of life. You didnt get here by accident. You wont go forward making reckless, careless, or angry decisions.

Tell her you are sorry. Tell her you love her. Assure her its all going to be fine. Do things differently. Do them better.

this

and i will add one more thing

both of you need a small allowance away from the normal bills

if you want a six pack, it comes out of your allowance

if she wants nails done, same thing

the financial life of a couple is the second hardest part of a marriage after the kids

but probably the most important

setting goals, setting up real budgets, and both of you living within them are important

making sure you can live and enjoy life at the same time is also important

sit down and discuss.....and yelling and fighting isnt going to help

DiAnna · Sep 1, 2015

KevinKohler said:
Well, OK, that needs to be expounded upon...She was pulling her hair out because I was beligerantly questioning on every little detail from march. I mean, yes, we BOTH could probably have handled that better...It went into a LOT of different things...she was upset about work, from her job, which I was then not very supportive of, the kids were in the other room, basically just a bad situation all around. I don't want to paint a bad picture, I don't think my wife is manipulative at all, if anything, she is a bit naive. She's the one that will actually LISTEN to telemarketers and tell them no, she's not interested, instead of just hanging up on their ear, like I do. She was pulling her hair because I started talking to her like a child while explaining the nature of credit card debt, and the importance of paying the card of COMPLETELY every month. She was also worried that once I took over, I WOULD pay off that debt right away, leaving us with only a couple bucks to rub together, and nothing at all in case we get doctor bills and what not. Which I then yelled at her about....which caused her to get upset. Basically, neither she nor I are "innocent" in this story....I was bad. As was she.

Numbers don't lie. If you feel hiring a pro to pull a Revenue/Expense cash-flow comparison for the year is too expensive, then do it together. You'd be surprised how quickly seasonal expenses like air conditioning, utility bills, extra summer water bills, property taxes, quarterly car/house insurance payments can eat up cash reserves. You both need to look at your starting cash at the beginning of the year, add all the revenues that have come into your account, then list every expense so you have a comparison of what came in and where it went. Do not neglect to add up those cash withdrawals and fast-food bills. You'd be surprised how many hundred dollars all those "little" things add up to over a few months.

The main thing is to figure out what happened to that $4,000 shortfall. Were your quarterly insurance payments due? A couple of minor ER visits everyone forgot about? Or is there a big problem with your bank that suddenly dropped that cash out of your account with a mistaken transfer (it is possible, and in fact has happened to us, that an interbank transfer made an account number error).

Don't accuse each other of "pissing money away" until you have a complete, balanced accounting of exactly where the money went. Neither of you can do that when you're not thinking straight.

Just remember, numbers don't lie. Be methodical, be patient, and you'll both figure it out. Good luck to you and your family.

Superfly · Sep 1, 2015

My husband and I used to fight over money, and then one day we just woke up and said, "If one of us died today, how would the other feel about our last day together being spent fighting over money?" We haven't fought about it since. We just don't.

We don't have a ton of money, but we get the bills paid, we get to go out to eat when we want to, and my husband gets an allowance. He gets to blow it on whatever he wants to blow it on. It's his money. If he needs more, if it's in the budget, he gets it. If it's not in the budget, then he needs to save his allowance and put it with his allowance from next month. I hate to call it an allowance. It sounds like I'm treating him like a child. I'm not. I just do it that way to make sure he always has spending money.

But if I woke up one morning and went from $5000 to $1500? It's understandable that you're upset - especially if it was spent on bull****. If she used it to pay off the credit cards, or get the car repaired, or something important, I'd understand. But Dunkin' Donuts? McDonald's? No. Just no. :lol:

Our extra money goes into a separate savings account. It's easier to save that way, at least for me. It's in my head, of course, but I have to physically go take money out of savings, and I have time to think about it, and think, "Do I really want to take this money out to buy this? Do I really need it?" Chances are, I don't, so I leave it in savings.

Just fought over money

KevinKohler

Sykes

VanceMack

Less like the tiger...more like the lion.

KevinKohler

JumpinJack

KevinKohler

brothern

Gathomas88

KevinKohler

KevinKohler

KevinKohler

KevinKohler

Chagos

Gathomas88

KevinKohler

Chagos

KevinKohler

VanceMack

Less like the tiger...more like the lion.

Chagos

rhinefire

JumpinJack

KevinKohler

gdgyva

DiAnna

Hooter Babe

Superfly

Salty, defiant, and completely non-compliant.