View Poll Results: What is a good age to have the FULL sex talk?

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  • 9 or earlier

    7 19.44%
  • 10

    0 0%
  • 11

    5 13.89%
  • 12

    9 25.00%
  • 13

    2 5.56%
  • 14

    1 2.78%
  • 15

    2 5.56%
  • 16

    0 0%
  • 17 or older

    0 0%
  • Other/Never

    10 27.78%
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Thread: What is a good age to have the FULL sex talk?

  1. #91
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    Re: What is a good age to have the FULL sex talk?

    We are enslaved by our shame of sex and sexuality in our culture, and this gets passed down to each new generation.

    Ideally the child should have enough trust and rapport developed with their parents that they can bring up the subject when THEY are ready to know it. This means basic discussions early on, and a direct answer to any of their questions without batting an eye when they are asked, none of this "when you are older" crap.

    Unfortunately an environment of openness and frankness is not one that can be established retroactively, it has to developed throughout childhood, verbally, consciously and subconsciously. None of this hiding their eyes from an exposed tit BS, doing so reinforces an aura of inaccessibility and shame of the subject - they or their friends will find some parents stash of playboys, or online porn and share them anyhow - shielding them is counterproductive. There should be an ongoing dialogue where the child is frequently reminded that they should feel comfortable approaching with any and all questions of this nature. If rapport is established at an early age the child will not be embarrassed or try to get answers elsewhere, instead they will come to you when they are ready.

    A child better know the ins and outs (double entendre intended) of the topic prior to middle school, but in all likelihood they have already learned bastardized versions from their friends even in elementary school, which is why they should feel ok coming home and asking you to clarify these schoolyard discussions, and also why there is no age that is too young, it is best to head off misinformation at the pass, not retroactively.

    And for gods sake.. it is a MUST that they know full well what it is about prior to being biologically able to reproduce.
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  2. #92
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    Re: What is a good age to have the FULL sex talk?

    We are enslaved by our shame of sex and sexuality in our culture, and this gets passed down to each new generation.

    Ideally the child should have enough trust and rapport developed with their parents that they can bring up the subject when THEY are ready to know it. This means basic discussions early on, and a direct answer to any of their questions without batting an eye when they are asked, none of this "when you are older" crap.

    Agreed; also, however, in my experience... although I don't hold much with Freud, I do think children go through a period of sexual latency, between maybe ages 8 and 10 or 11. In other words, during the logistically "ideal" time to talk to them about such matters (since they will no doubt soon be spending time around children a couple of years older; in other words, pubertal children), they may not necessarily be receptive to hearing it. Especially from you.

    Unfortunately, while children are in this latency phase, it's hard to talk to them about sexual matters because they are completely discomfited and repulsed by such discussion.
    Like I said, I really have very little use for Freud, but I think he's on the money with that one, because I recall it from my own childhood, and I observed it in my children as well.
    By the time they are able to discuss these matters again without extreme discomfort, they are already pubertal and there's probably not much you can tell them that they don't already know.

    Maybe the time to discuss sexuality is before this latency period- at five or six or seven- while they're still receptive to discussing such things.
    It's not particularly complicated- basic human sexuality- when you get right down to brass tacks.
    So, maybe teach them the scientific/anatomical/biological aspects while they're very young, and then discuss the moral implications once they're into the latency phase (while they might be utterly repulsed by anything sexual at age nine or ten, they might still be receptive to an abstract discussion about morality or ethics).

    That way, they go into puberty well-armed with information.

    The only downside to this that I can see is that when one gives one's child a lot of technical information about human sexuality significantly earlier than is standard in our culture, they tend to share it with other children. The parents of these other children then become angry and try to keep their children away from you and your children, and your children could then become socially isolated, or it could effect their self-esteem if they feel like other adults think they're "nasty" or a bad influence.
    Last edited by 1069; 06-05-10 at 02:44 PM.

  3. #93
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    Re: What is a good age to have the FULL sex talk?

    Quote Originally Posted by 1069 View Post
    ....By the time they are able to discuss these matters again without extreme discomfort, they are already pubertal and there's probably not much you can tell them that they don't already know.

    Maybe the time to discuss sexuality is before this latency period- at five or six or seven- while they're still receptive to discussing such things.
    Although I did not give specific ages, when I said early on I meant early on, 5,6, 7 years old for basics and establishing approachability on the subject.. early enough that they know full well they can be comfortable coming to you for clarification prior to their first exposures to "schoolyard" info - and well before this latency period you and Freud talk of. Ideally they will be used to being able to approach you and this will offset or overcome this latency period.

    Quote Originally Posted by 1069 View Post
    The only downside to this that I can see is that when one gives one's child a lot of technical information about human sexuality significantly earlier than is standard in our culture, they tend to share it with other children. The parents of these other children then become angry and try to keep their children away from you and your children, and your children could then become socially isolated, or it could effect their self-esteem if they feel like other adults think they're "nasty" or a bad influence.
    Tough ****. There will be children sharing this info either way, if not your child then someone elses child will be the one doing so, this is no reason to avoid allowing your child to have access to an accurate source of information or clarification of peer relayed misinformation and mythology on the matter.
    Last edited by marduc; 06-05-10 at 03:06 PM.
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    Re: What is a good age to have the FULL sex talk?

    Tough ****.
    Well, it's not merely hypothetical when it's your own child.
    Real parents aren't allowed to say, "Tough ****".

    You have to make a tough choice between giving your child information that you feel is appropriate at the time you feel is right, and having them be a social outcast who everybody in your community thinks is a sick little bastard and a danger to their children... or withholding such information and not giving it at what you feel is the optimal time, and allowing your child to grow up in relative normalcy, with the approval of peers and community.

    Parents do not raise their children in isolation. You have to do what's right not just in your household, but in the context of the larger community: neighborhood, school.
    In the end, you often have to choose the lesser of two evils.
    Last edited by 1069; 06-05-10 at 03:34 PM.

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    Re: What is a good age to have the FULL sex talk?

    I put other because I think it depends on the kid. I have 2 boys and unfortunately, we've already started our talks because I don't want them ignorant when it comes to ways people can violate little boys! Also too, because I have one that'll be hitting puberty soon. Can we just skip over that part???
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    Re: What is a good age to have the FULL sex talk?

    Quote Originally Posted by 1069 View Post
    You stated: "Personally I had a Boy and when the time came to sit down with him to discuss sex, i found he had a greater knowledge than did I, which thoroughly discomforted myself and my wife.
    However I do acknowledge that it is different for a girl."


    I'm asking you to elaborate on why you think so.
    I only have sons, not daughters.
    But this doesn't sound right to me.
    In my experience, girls are actually more mature and more knowledgeable about human anatomy and sexuality than boys are, at least in adolescence.
    I would not say that this is an issue of having a boy or a girl, but of waiting too long to have these kinds of conversations.

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    Re: What is a good age to have the FULL sex talk?

    Quote Originally Posted by 1069 View Post
    Unfortunately, while children are in this latency phase, it's hard to talk to them about sexual matters because they are completely discomfited and repulsed by such discussion..
    During the "latency phase," my daughter and I talked about drugs, alcohol, violence, racism, gangs, bullies, mean girls, how to explain her racial background to idiot rednecks, her upcoming period, etc. When the sex discussions have come up, they've come up as just another question she was asking me about life, not "the big talk." I'd already started answering her questions about life candidly and honestly, and without being shocked by them, so when she had questions about sex, it seemed normal for her to come to me and ask them, albeit rather traumatic for me at times.

    The sex conversation is just another conversation that we start having with our children about life, and how to live.
    Last edited by Catz Part Deux; 06-05-10 at 07:26 PM.

  8. #98
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    Re: What is a good age to have the FULL sex talk?

    Quote Originally Posted by Catz Part Deux View Post
    I would not say that this is an issue of having a boy or a girl, but of waiting too long to have these kinds of conversations.
    I think that 'it's different for a boy than a girl' type thought process is exactly why we, as a culture, are a bit askew with these basic things we need to teach and discuss.

    Why is it different for a boy than a girl? Just because someone is mature or immature doesn't mean they shouldn't know these things.
    In fact - in my opinoin those that show more immaturity and irresponsibility need to be engaged in conversation about it SOONER than LATER because they're more likely to make the wrong choices, jump the gun, and get in trouble over it without thinking it - like i was.

    i was the more immature and irresponsible brat and that encouraged my parents to think I didn't *care* about sex - when, really - I just didn't want to *talk* to my parents about anything. (when they finally decided to talk to me about it all, that is).

    When I ended up pregnant at 17 and having to tell them - they BOTH responded with "But we thought you had no interest in sex at all!"
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    Re: What is a good age to have the FULL sex talk?

    Quote Originally Posted by Aunt Spiker View Post
    I think that 'it's different for a boy than a girl' type thought process is exactly why we, as a culture, are a bit askew with these basic things we need to teach and discuss.

    Why is it different for a boy than a girl? Just because someone is mature or immature doesn't mean they shouldn't know these things."
    My parents gave me zero effective information about managing my own sexuality.

    I'm a product of an unplanned teenage pregnancy (my bio-mom).

    My daughter is the product of an unwed/unplanned pregnancy.

    I was damn sure going to give her more to work with, and REAL information about stuff that matters, than my parents gave me.

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    Re: What is a good age to have the FULL sex talk?

    Quote Originally Posted by Pitwolfy View Post
    I put other because I think it depends on the kid. I have 2 boys and unfortunately, we've already started our talks because I don't want them ignorant when it comes to ways people can violate little boys! Also too, because I have one that'll be hitting puberty soon. Can we just skip over that part???
    I promise that if you have an open line of communication with your kids where you answer all of their questions, and spend more time listening to what they say than preaching to them that puberty will be easier than you think. I'm loving my daughter's teenage years. They are my favorite so far, in fact. She's a responsible girl and she's a wonderful person.

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