My instructor managed a few kicks to my chest from time to time when I didn't dodge fast enough. He didn't pull his punches or kicks during spars unless his punches/kicks would have actually broken bones. That's pretty much the rule we all went by.
When I threw my opponents over my shoulder, I didn't hold back or feel sorry when they went *thud* on the mat in front of me. Somehow I'm doubting they did either. LOL
And honestly, if I'd found out that any of them were holding back because I was a woman, I'd have been HIGHLY pissed off and would have quit the class. I'd want no part in any training that treated me as a child or some inferior being, or that they had so little respect for me that they treated me unequally.